Nobody i know has any idea what living with a covert Narcissist is like.

[NPD_Survivor]

Nobody i know has any idea what living with a covert Narcissist is like & all i can say is that im so very grateful they dont! I endured 12 long yrs with this person who did not love or respect me in any way shape or form & the trauma from the daily occurrences has given me severe PTSD type symptoms, i now have regular panic attacks with the thought of him coming through the front door so i hide in my room as when the feeling comes over me i have to lay down as ive been close to passing out at times.

The straw that broke the camels back was when he announanced & laughed infront of me to a friend, that in his eyes i resembled a 414lb woman (i gained 10kgs after loosing my young mother to a brain aneurysm so gained a dress size or 2 due to depression) i couldnt take it anymore, he made my skin crawl with his personality traits, the list of things that made me question my sanity of why i was with a person like that is so long & involved that i cant possibly write it all down. As i write this i am waiting for him to arrive home to pack his items up as hes moving out, i feel like ive escaped the 12 year prison of unhappiness i was in & immediately entered another prison! Most people have said to me that i should be happy with him moving out, well of course i am but im left completely on my own with ABSOLUTELY NO WAY OF LOOKING AFTER MYSELF....I WASENT ALLOWED TO WORK.....So i cant find a job as i have NO EXPERIENCE, NO SKILLS AND NO QUALIFICATIONS & on top of that im turning 40 this year so they wont consider me due to my age so im terrified & dont know who to turn too! Ive also never been allowed to have any control with finances, or make any decisions in the last 12 years. I feel so completely overwhelmed. Ive also gone from him earning a very lage amount of money each week (3 to 4 times higher than the average wage) to being drip fed the tiniest amount each week to live on until i find myself a job which is extremely difficult when i cant apply to 98% of jobs so im in panic mode right now with 2 kids to support. I honestly wish i could just crawl into a hole right now, ive well & truely lost myself!

I can tell you all the things IM NOT as for years it was drummed into me all the things i was not, but i cant tell you all the things that I AM as ive lost that part of me & i feel so very sad about that, i use to be a happy confident, self assured person.....IM NOT ANYMORE.

[blondguy]

Hello NPD Survivor

Welcome and good on you for having the Confidence to be a part of the forums too!

You have been in bad place for a long while and I can feel your pain with the severity of your anxiety symptoms! Do you have even a small support network that you can lean on? Usually a handful of close people is great yet in reality even one person is a bonus to have for a chat

The second alternative is your GP (or a counselor) as they help many people with similar pain that you are going through. I have cried my eyes out to my GP 22 years ago when my life started falling apart.....I still him every 4 weeks for a 'tune up' during this time

If you have any questions there are many people that can be here for you too! We are excellent listeners and provide the best support we can

The forums are a safe and non judgement place for you to post Survivor

Do you have a GP that you can chat with? Its only my humble opinion....You have everything to gain and nothing to lose by doing so

my kind thoughts

Paul

[ITnErd6]

Hi NPD Survivor,

I know some of your pain. I was in a similar position to you for over 10 years. I was merely one of her trophies.

I broke away briefly but was sucked back in for another 3-4 years. When I first broke away it wasn't because I realised I was married to a narcissist. When I broke away the second time I still didn't know. It was years later during the Family Court war that a lawyer said it to me. I hadn't seen it.

Obviously something in my head saw her for what she was and made me look for a new partner. I found one and she was branded as the other woman for years. I'm now happily married to her and have realised what a real marriage can be like.

If you're still active on here and want to chat about your ex, just message.

[ChrissyStar]

Maybe put a local ad for a housemate in a community support centre - "female, middle aged, recent divorcees prefered, PTSD compassionate". Basically, find others who are in a similar situation. This way you can live with someone who understands and can empathize...most likely will appreciate it and need the support just as much as yourself. And together, you can lean on each other and build a safe future.

I hope this helps...and by the way CONGRATULATIONS! ..at your very powerful & wise decision to make a stand! You should be SO PROUD!

[ChrissyStar]

P.S. Some tips on the resume, or where to next work-wise...

Don't forget that a resume is a list of skills, linked to when you utilized them & with who.

To build your resume list all the skills you have & when you developed/utilized them. In brackets state "volunteer" if it was an unpaid position. Put the skills you enjoy most on your resume.

Work is not primarily about making money...that's a secondary reason. It's more about doing what you enjoy (& often this is also what you are good at). This is particularly true in Australia because we have minimum wage (see P.A.C.T.) checker & standards. So you will never be in the situation where you will not get what you deserve within the job criteria. But make sure you check P.A.C.T. because the employer may not.

I have also had no resume at one stage...so built my skills & resume in 2 ways which have kept my life active & led to jobs:

1) whenever I come across an event or field I wish I could be involved in, I offer myself as a volunteer helper. I get to do it anyway, even though I am not getting paid. I get to attend the event, or get to do the thing I enjoy so learn how to do it. It fills the resume up quick & can be heaps of fun. I stay long enough to experience what I came for...and in one case, I was offered a position as a result = landed my dream job!

2) short courses in everything of interest. eventually there will be nothing you have not done that you are interested in. And you will have the skills & knowledge to go in many directions!

Both of these fill the resume up &/the short course thing is especially effective!

Oh, one last thing...you ARE VERY EXPERIENCED in one area that is an absolute specialty...dealing with difficult (NPD) people! You are skilled up already! That's social work/community support/carer, right? Maybe even touching on the medical field!?

Excited? I am, for you that is...you're free now & the world is in the palm of your hand! Have fun! 😉

By the way...N.P.S. is something that wrecks my life too (long term as my father had it, so I grew up with it...lived an extremely hard low self worth life & am learning how to cope/recognise & now in my 40's finally feel I'm starting to have a "real" life...but still got one in my life pretty close that terrorizes me...so your post has really helped me, I'd become a house mate/border with you in a flash! ...THANK YOU FOR YOUR POST! 😁😁😁😁😁😁

[Happilyneverafter]

I can totally relate to you. I spent 19 years with a covert narc. It’s soul destroying. I have been away for over a year and am now watching my children thrive and finally be themselves. I have been in therapy for a year and it has helped me so much to be able to finally talk about all the horrible things he has done to not only me but our children. I’ve found trying to explain the abuse to people who have never experienced it is impossible, normal people couldn’t fathom that a person could be that cruel, and all the crap that comes after the separation leaves you deflated, feeling worthless, suicidal. I wasn’t prepared for the smear campaign, the flying monkeys, the victim blaming, lies, manipulation, Hoover attempts and the ultimate discard of our children. Google can be your best friend right now, there are also many fb groups for victims of narc abuse.