Living in fear

[User23]

Hello,

Just over a year ago now my partner of almost 8 years just left said he wanted a break, didn't want to be with me anymore. This broke my heart. All I kepy thinking in my head was what I did wrong, how can I fix this, I would have did anything for him. Not long after he left I found out he had been cheating and dating someone while he was still woth me. He left to be with her. What makes things worse is while all this was going on I found out I was pregnant. To be honest I wasn't happy. I felt like I couldn't be. I was scared and he couldn't care less. I had no idea what it was like living on my own again let alone doing it all while pregnant.
Not long after this his new girlfriend got pregnant also. When I say I died inside I truly did. All I ever wanted was to be withis person for the rest of my life and have this wonderful family with him yet he meets this girl and does it all within a few months of dating her. Was I not good enough, did I waste 8 years of my life caring about someone who could so easily forget about me and everything we did together.
To make things worse again his new girlfriend was sending me horrible messages pretending to be him saying he never wanted to have kids with me, he never loved me and I am a joke. She goes out of her way to text me and look through his phone to make sure I am not texting him even if it is just to ask if he wants to spend time with me and his son at the park. This texting business only stopped a few weeks ago after she was mocking me for being depressed when he left. She even blamed be for his depression saying I am the reason he always feels like crap. I can't believe he sticks up for her every time. I let him come and see his son every day. I have got him fathers day presents, made him gifts from his son and invited him to so many outings so he can spend time with his son but it is never enough.
He threatened me today with going to court. It isn't the first time.
I have panic attacks when I go into town I get so worried I am going to see them together with their baby and it just takes me back to this really depressing place where I question myself why am I not good enough to have my own family. Why does my son have to live in this broken home. He told me to grow up and get over and what he did in the past. Believe me I tried but it hurt so deeply I don't think I ever will. It hurts me almost everyday I always see something that reminds me of those bad times and my day is ruined.

[Croix]

Dear User23~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Support Forum, and if you look around you will see others have been in your position too, it is terrible, however at least here you will find genuine understanding.

Sadly people tend to expect others to act the same way they do. If they are caring, honest , faithful and loving is only natural they expect everyone else to be the same. It therefore comes as a great shock to find that some are very different, callous, not caring and unfaithful.

I do not know why it is but human beings, the sensitive and caring ones, take on the blame for other's actions. You have been wondering what you did wrong, if you were not good enough and all the rest of those self-blaming doubts. All rubbish.

In truth he is he one who has done wrong, cheating on you, then abandoning you pregnant, then you and your little boy in favor of another.

Despite all your selfless efforts to encourage him to be a father to your boy, even if he is with other, he has simply turned around and threatened court - plus heartlessly telling you to grow up and get over it.

As if this was not bad enough his new GF has been giving you a very hard time texting, perhaps apart from having a cruel nature she herself is feeling vulnerable, after all if he can do it once ...

Your little boy is lucky to have a mother like you, and probably equally lucky not to be in close contact with such a toxic father.

Trying to cope with all this is too much of a strain for just one person to take on. I'd suggest firstly you contact Relationships Australia - 1300 364 277, they have an excellent post-separation service, are knowledgeable and professional. if they do not have a center in your area they should know of one that is.

Secondly get medical support for yourself. Those panic attacks need professional help to be dealt with, as does the fear, self doubt and grief that makes going into town so hard. Although my circumstances were different I simply could not get better without competent medical support.

Are you all alone, or is here anyone, family perhaps or a freind, to lean one, who will care and help? It can make a huge difference if there is.

I do hope to talk with you some more

Croix

[User23]

Hi Croix,

Thankyou. This is the first I have talked about this to anyone. I don't bring it up to family or friends it causes too much drama.

I really do want to get help in regards to custody but I am scared of what he will do if he finds out. If ge doesn't get what he wants he threatens to take my son and says I can't call the police because they won't do anything because it's his son. He also gets mad, he has dented my fridge, table and threw a glass cup at the ground.

I just don't understand I do everything to involve him in his life but his jealous gf doesn't like him spending time with us so it always ends up being my fault I'm the selfish one keeping him away. I can't get a break. He won't even tell me where he lives so how am I supposed to let him take my son if he can't even tell me where he is being taken to?

[Croix]

Dear User23~

I'd have to say the the majority of your fears in relation to custody, his rights and his conduct in general are not based upon knowledge of how things really work.

This is compounded by having a sensitive and caring nature and by the fact that you feel (wrongly) that any actions you might take will adversely effect your custody of you little boy, or htat he will take some sort of action.

In other words a castle of cards based on very shaky ground.

Please go get the facts from those that deal with this every day, it is strange and frightening territory for you, they will set out, I suspect, quite a different set of facts to what you expect.

Simply because a person is the biological father does not mean the police will take no action, you prepare for this eventuality in advance and things will work out. You can make preparations without his knowledge simply by going to get the right advice.

If you have a camera or phone that takes pictures please record the damage he has done to your home. Not for use now but it could come in handy in the future for example if you had to apply for an order to stop him from approaching you. I'd also keep the abusive texts from his GF.

There is no way I, or anyone else, would allow my child to be taken to an unknown destination in these circumstances, even if the person involved did not use violence.

You are having a very difficult time and need all the support possible, so please try to get some help. If you do not want Relationships Australia then ringing our own 24/7 Help Line may be able to tell you what is available in your area.

Please let us know how you are getting on

Croix