No more hope

[Seeta]

I feel disgusting talking about it but I’m really suffering at the moment. I have been through a lot in my life including the loss of my parents, the loss of a loved one, sexual abuse, family violence and right now an abusive relationship. Also, once the pandemic started, I felt sick and had all the symptoms of the Covid but there was no place that would test me for it. After doing an X-ray, they found viral infection in my lung but I couldn’t get the thought of having the virus out of my mind. Ever since my mental health has been awful.

At 24 I feel like this is the end of the world for me, I have a beautiful little daughter who is very cheerful and loving but being a mum with mental disorder makes me feel sick about myself. I can’t think, I can’t sleep, I can’t find anything that makes me happy and I can’t get out of the house or my anxiety will kill me. I am currently also doing a degree at uni which is another burden for now . I feel like I can’t recognise many people anymore and everything seems unfamiliar for me. The doctor has put me on antidepressants which hasn’t worked as of now but I’m hoping that it will. I’m also seeing a psychologist who is the sweetest person I have even known. I feel very hopeless and worthless at the moment. My partner is no help at all as he believes mental illness doesn’t exist and that we make our mind to always think negative. I’m constantly told many negative things including that I am worthless, lazy, mental and that I have grown in hell. The only reason I’m here today is because of my daughter.

[ecomama]

Hi Seeta, I'm glad you popped back in to let us know how you're feeling. Please apply for a late extension.

YOU ARE WORTH THIS. You will get to the finish line. In spite of the crap. Yep life is indeed very hard at times. Then we get through and then it can happen again. You always have us here.

I second therising and what she said about everything ofcourse. What a crappy person to say that, where do they get off?

I'd say about NOW. That person was PROJECTING how they feel about themselves. That comment was ALL about them. Not your sh** - theirs. So throw that one back at them in your mind and forge forward to your goal.

Being an intelligent person you'd want to know WHY someone would say that?
I'll give you an intelligent response. Because you are set to ACHIEVE something they probably haven't.
They are trying to "pip you at the post" and cut off your ability to COMPLETE this. (Believe me I KNOW these people - my mother for sure and ughhh my last exH).

It almost worked, didn't it? nice try but that's complete BS. You have a support system this time and you won't fall that far. They didn't win, you just took in their bs for a moment and now you're rising up above it again.

YOU ARE AWESOME. Repeat after me "I am AWESOME" lol and just keep repeating this because none of us here are wrong. Neither are you.

Oh I agree maybe you have found some replacement behaviours for an eating disorder. WELL DONE btw for your work on THAT. Wow.

We often DO need a replacement behaviour when we're eradicating another set of thinkings and actions from our life. How about yours include "I AM AWESOME" lol 😉

Because you are. Hugs to you! Hugs to your little cherub! HUGS to that last assignment as you email it off.

More power to you sister!
Love EM

[Seeta]

Thank you ecomama and everyone else for the replies. I’m back in to say that I have my last exam on Wednesday and hopefully I do well.

Also, I figured that my mental health is affected by nothing but all the abuses done to me. Lately I have started talking about it more and it has made me feel much better. I think I have to get out of this life as it is getting worse and worse every day and the violence, both verbal and physical are getting more and more and I can’t take it anymore. I’m tired of experiencing violence all the time. I’m tired of being banned not to do all the things I like and I am tired of being called so many bs all the time....

I think I took it way too longer than I should have.

[ecomama]

Dearest Seeta WELL DONE YOU!

You are going to rise above this SO HIGH.

You absolutely DO NOT deserve what's been happening.

If you need support for leaving a DV relationship I've definitely been through the ringer with that, so if you need help, pop back. I know others here have lots of tips too 😉

WOOHOO COME ON WEDNESDAY!

The Finish Line is in sight and you're all over it.

I'm so proud of you. Hugs to you and your beautiful girl.
Love EM

[Sophie_M]

Hi Seeta,
  We are so sorry to hear that your relationship has been abusive. We are so glad to hear that you've been opening up more about the situation. Please remember that you don't have to do this alone. We are getting in touch with you privately to offer some extra support.

We would strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation who just want to be happy on their own. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/ 

You might also find some ideas in reading the stories of others. Some threads you might be interested in reading include:

"Moving on after leaving emotionally abusive relationship" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/ptsd-trauma/moving-on-after-leaving-emotiona...

"Trying to end an abusive relationship"- https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/seeking-support/helping-yourself-and-others/online-forums/...

"Reset button" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/ptsd-trauma/reset-button#qwRpXHHzvGGEbv8AAOn...

Please keep reaching out for all the help you can get. We want you to be safe. We hope that you can find some comfort in the forums. Feel free to keep us updated here on your thread throughout your journey.
 

[therising]

Hi Seeta

After ecomama's posts, gosh, I feel like I could achieve just about anything in life. What an amazing, inspirational, supportive, brilliant person (of light) with the soulful gift of raising people to life and life's challenges (including the darkest ones). You've found your cheer squad here in all of us Seeta, including Sophie who has given you some excellent support and resources.

I wish you nothing but the best on Wednesday. We will be there with you, through our thoughts of love and support, as you face that examination of what you've learned throughout your course. As you've come to graduate through your course slowly and steadily and with outstanding commitment, I wish there was someone who could bestow a Degree of some nature when it comes to how you are graduating through life. You are running the course of learning and mastering self love, self respect and so much more. It is an incredibly brutal course for you to be undertaking. There will be times when you sit in examination of what you have learned in your course of life and I hope what we pour our hearts/love into teaching you sees you graduate through life with greater confidence and truth. While your partner has taught you what lies, degradation and brutality look like, your child and we who support you teach you, through love, how to recognise love and the fact that you are, without a doubt, worth loving.

Seeta, I want you to try and imagine...you've been running an Olympic marathon through the streets of some city. You've now entered the stadium. We see you and we're screaming 'C'mon Seeta!!!!' In the crowd, in the stands, your child is there cheering. We're there cheering. We're all so excited. The atmosphere is electric. There's some dude in the audience 'Booing'. What the heck?! We look around and see it's your husband. Everyone tells him to 'SHUT UP!' We continue cheering like maniacs. We are seriously excited here Seeta. You're getting closer and closer to the finish line of what has become torturous. You cross the line and the crowd erupts, rising to their feet. Some reporter runs up. You're exhausted yet he asks 'How did you do it Seeta?' You say 'It was long, it was hard and at times I just didn't think I was going to make it but at some point I reached in and found something in me I never new I had until now'. This, this thing within you is what makes you the achiever that you are. You're an amazing person Seeta.

All the best for Wednesday 🙂

[ecomama]

Dear Seeta, and a wave to therising and to Sophie ofcourse,

Around 24 hours left before finishing Seeta. You've SO got this. I am SO proud of you.

That one down then we'll be here for the next challenge. And you WILL make it. You absolutely will!
Sophie has given you the best numbers 1800RESPECT and you can ask them for the DV Hotline.

But that's by far not ALL the support you can get. We are all over this.

When you come back, there will be more support so you can get your ducks in a row and be done.

We're right here with you and therising put it beautifully when she said that WE are CHEERING for you!!!
You've got this sister.

Love EM

[Seeta]

Dear Sophie, Therising, ecomama and everyone else...

thank you so much for having my back. Reading all your comments and messages have given me so much courage and I feel 90% better now.

Another news to share is that my exam was today instead of tomorrow and I am done with it just hoping I did well enough to get through this.

From tomorrow I will start focusing on my freedom. Freedom from the hell I have been living in for 5 years. These 5 years took so much from me, my family, my mum, my courage, my worth and everything else. I might not be able to recover all of that but I keep telling myself I will shine, shine brighter than I was before I started this life.

It’s the worst feeling to feel worthless, weak, powerless and so broken at only 24 years of age. I have missed on so much during this time including happiness. My thoughts, mind and feelings were controlled by someone else instead of myself and I am not going to let that happen anymore.

[ecomama]

Dear Seeta

OMG WELL DONE YOU!!!

Congratulations sweet girl. You've made it. And 24 hours ahead of time lol. Smarty emu pants;-)

Indeed an evil person sucked all those strong character traits out of you BECAUSE you had them IN YOU all along.

Tomorrow is the first day to the rest of your brilliant life. To think what you've learnt about relationships by only the young age of 24!!

Things you could do at your own pace:
* Women's Health Centres have amazing FREE Courses (mine was called "Breaking Free") that can teach you ALL about Domestic Violence and can link you in with all sorts of Community Services around you. I believe this Course saved our lives.
* Phone 1800RESPECT and ask "How do I get out of my abusive relationship?" You can phone anonymously but I gave my name every time so they could add to their notes.
* Women's Legal Service is a free legal service only for women, their help is a Godsend and they will keep in touch as long as you want them to or until all legal things are over.
* My suggestion is that you contact a Family Lawyer you may want to represent you at some point if required, and book in for their FREE session. This will conflict the other party out of engaging that lawyer. I found my exH had conflicted me out of EVERY Lawyer for about 150klm except ONE - one who had worked for me previously in a different capacity -LUCKY ME because they were the best.

Just to let you know very calmly that when a woman tells an abusive partner "it's over" then this time is the most dangerous for her and the child(ren). I would not tell him until you are no longer living in the same house.

Call the Police asap if violence occurs. There are LOTS of supports from this moment onwards should you proceed with pressing charges and we are ALWAYS here to provide more support to you.

For now breathe and know you are on your way. You know for sure that no one will ever do this to you again.

Love, hope and healing to you
EM

[Seeta]

Once again thank you ecomama and everyone else. I am here to say that I did very well with all my assessments and just finished my bachelor of laws. I am really thankful to all of you for all the supportive words and encouragement.

However, with my life, I am still where I was and still have not taken any steps. He has gotten way better because I have raised my voice a lot more and have not accepted any disrespect. But I know this is not permanent and he is never going to change. I have no feelings whatsoever anymore. I don’t know though why I am still here? Maybe my daughter? His family and how much they respect me and love me? Maybe I am too scared of the future and what life will through at me ? Whatever, i just hope I get the courage and change my life.

[ecomama]

Dear Seeta

A really huge congratulations for finishing your Degree!
AND getting great marks!
Wow.

You did this all by yourself, so you should be very very proud of yourself. You're amazing. Big hugs.

It's completely understandable why you're still there. I understand a woman in an abusive relationship will leave an average of 17 times before they leave for good. You know stats doing Law so some alot less and some many more.

Yes I agree they don't change but they can simmer down for a while (this could be his "buy back phase" IDK).

Good on you for standing up for yourself. Setting boundaries is very important! Well done.

It can be one of the hardest decisions we ever make, to "break up" a family. I was also very loved by my 1st husband's family and they dropped me like a hotcake when I left permanently. It was a huge loss.
The reason I finally left my adult children's father was because I could see that he was modelling horrible behaviours of addictions and other bad stuff for them. So in the end I left for them. Took them with me. We went to marriage counselling for 2y after I left. I watched as his life spiralled downwards... as is most often the case.

Which brings me to share a comment that was made to me whilst I was a wreck not knowing what to do in my last marriage. A psych friend who had know me for 20y by then said "You need to leave. He needs you alot more than you'll EVER need him". I didn't THINK that at all. I thought I needed him for all the children etc.

But I didn't. He was only destructive. Never helped. I was gaslighted into thinking I needed him.
I was by far the major breadwinner. I did all the house and garden work. Everything. He was by far the most abusive and cruel person I have ever had the misfortune of knowing.

I wished I'd ended it at the beginning! lol. Alas I didn't.

Your timing is the most important thing here unless H ends it first - which is less likely.

All up to you my dear and I hope you see a path for employment sooner rather than later.

Well done again
Love EM