No more hope

[Seeta]

I feel disgusting talking about it but I’m really suffering at the moment. I have been through a lot in my life including the loss of my parents, the loss of a loved one, sexual abuse, family violence and right now an abusive relationship. Also, once the pandemic started, I felt sick and had all the symptoms of the Covid but there was no place that would test me for it. After doing an X-ray, they found viral infection in my lung but I couldn’t get the thought of having the virus out of my mind. Ever since my mental health has been awful.

At 24 I feel like this is the end of the world for me, I have a beautiful little daughter who is very cheerful and loving but being a mum with mental disorder makes me feel sick about myself. I can’t think, I can’t sleep, I can’t find anything that makes me happy and I can’t get out of the house or my anxiety will kill me. I am currently also doing a degree at uni which is another burden for now . I feel like I can’t recognise many people anymore and everything seems unfamiliar for me. The doctor has put me on antidepressants which hasn’t worked as of now but I’m hoping that it will. I’m also seeing a psychologist who is the sweetest person I have even known. I feel very hopeless and worthless at the moment. My partner is no help at all as he believes mental illness doesn’t exist and that we make our mind to always think negative. I’m constantly told many negative things including that I am worthless, lazy, mental and that I have grown in hell. The only reason I’m here today is because of my daughter.

[Seeta]

Dear EM thanks for replying. Yeah I think I should have gotten rid of them but that’s not possible for the sake of my daughter. I have no family what so ever. My parents have passed away and my siblings got busy with their lives and families.

[ecomama]

Seeta said:Dear EM thanks for replying. Yeah I think I should have gotten rid of them but that’s not possible for the sake of my daughter. I have no family what so ever. My parents have passed away and my siblings got busy with their lives and families.

Hi Seeta

You certainly have shared life experiences with so many people. You're not alone, you have those who know what it feels like and us here.

You DO have a family. You have your own family. Remember no one's family or life is perfect, they all have their challenges.

You've identified your challenges VERY well, so you will realise:
- which things can be completed (Uni),
- what you ALREADY have, a beautiful family,
- what you may have influence over to change.

Nothing, and I mean ABSOLUTELY nothing stays the same. It's impossible. I know right now, or when you started this thread, you felt very little joy. This can ALSO change.

Embrace the NOW and know you've got this.

As you pull more influence over the things you CAN change, you will realise your power more and more.

How many sleeps left until you've finished Uni?

EM

[josh1245]

hey Seeta no problem were always here for you I completely understand what you feel because I been through that myself when I achieve something I feel empty like when I finished year last year and got into my course I want and I have been doing well but I still feel empty inside sometimes. so I understand but im here for you and everyone in beyondblue is here for you.

[Seeta]

Thanks Josh and good luck with everything.

[Seeta]

I am just posting again as this time I wanna thank everyone for all the beautiful messages and words you have put together and gave me so much hope and and encouragement through tour. I have started contacting and catching up with my friends and relatives. I am also enjoying more doing activities such as taking my daughter to the playground and going shopping as well as cooking healthy.m and more

I so much look forward into finishing my degree and getting a job and becoming financially and mentally independent. I also forward to raising my daughter into a strong person as I know she is one of the smartest, loveliest and strongest person I have seen in my whole life. I have also realised that there are so many people who love me just the way I am and find me to be a strong person.

I have come into conclusion that the past is where it belongs and that by constantly bring it up, I won’t only ruin the present moment I am in but also give so much negative energy to people around me.

Ofcourse, we all have regrets in life but I am trying to learn to adore all the mistakes I have made in life, all the wrong people I have met in life and all the bad things if any I have done in the past for they have made me the person I am today.

There are moments everyday where I feel very overwhelmed and don’t know what to do and there are times when my brain exists my body and my soul is into so much pain but I constantly remind myself that no feelings are permanent and so is not life. I also contact my psychologist whenever I struggle and don’t know what to do and With no surprise she replies me straight away as I already mentioned she is the most beautiful human being and she has helped me so much over the years.

And again, I might come into this thread from time to time and talk about feelings, but as I said and we all know that nothing is permanent.

With much love,

from me 🙂

[Seeta]

Sorry for any grammatical and other mistakes I have made into that post 😃.

[ecomama]

Dear Seeta

What a lovely post and so integrated. You described your daughter so beautifully and it's clear to see where she got those wonderful qualities from - her mum.

Bestest wishes for finishing your degree and moving into your field. I'm sure you're going to knock them out!

I'd love to hear how you're going from time to time.

Love EM

[Seeta]

I’m back in as I feel sh*t today. Last night my assignment was due but I could not finish it and i had failed to apply for extension. I have obsessive thoughts about people’s appearance and why are they looking how they are looking and a lot more. And I think of them differently too. I was called worthless again over the weekend and I feel it now.

I am at the point where I am asking myself what is the point of life anymore and I hate being in this body that I am right now.

I wish I could go into a long sleep waking up finding everything being normal.

[therising]

Hi Seeta

I truly feel for you so much right now as the struggle becomes overwhelming for you.

Wondering if you can seek an overdue extension on the grounds of compassion. Being able to speak to someone regarding mental health challenges may grant you what you need.

It's definitely hard to stop comparing our self to other people. When I look at other people, I try to imagine what leads them to look the way they do. While in the past, I might have compared myself to some slim woman going for a run, now I say to myself 'You too could look that way if you put as much effort in as her', if that's the way I wanted to look. I don't necessarily feel the need by the way. Or if someone's wearing an outfit I wish I had the guts to wear, these days I see that person as being inspirational, instead of being jealous of their confidence. So, every perception challenges me. I have grown to love studying people, wondering about what makes them tick and how they challenge me in different ways.

Seeta, being called worthless is seriously questionable. Highly questionable. I can easily see how valuable you are. What the heck is wrong with the person who can't see it, the person who has commented on your worth or value? Seriously, what's wrong with them?! For a start, I can pick one obvious fault they have - They do not have a filter. Who the heck says this sort of thing out loud, when they believe such rubbish? Keep it to yourself I say Okay, sorry 'bout that. I'm getting pretty triggered now because I know you're amazing and this person is a flat out liar.

I've discovered over time how we can come to be a bit of a human lie detector. You'll be able to feel this for yourself at times, so you know what I mean. When someone tells a lie about us, to us, we'll feel it through our body, as a sensation. It's uncomfortable. When someone tells the truth about us, it will lift our spirits. Every time this person tells you a lie, like you're worthless, you'll feel it and you'll know they're lying. Degrading people naturally agitate me. I have a few in my life and, I tell you, the second they walk in the room I'm triggered to agitation. I'm so sensitive to them that I have to talk myself down and calm myself down if I have to be around them. They set off my nervous system in a big way sometimes. My s**t detector naturally switches on when I'm with them. One of the up sides of being sensitive 🙂

Wondering what kind of 'normal' you're searching for or are you searching for natural?

🙂

[Seeta]

Hi TheRising and thanks for the reply. I’m not searching for anything I guess but I might have developed this disassociation problem after so much trauma in my life.

As I said previously I have just recovered from an eating disorder so I think having these obsessive thoughts are just a way to fill the gap I was feeling with food, eating and other things...

I talked to my psychologist this morning, she made me feel a bit better and told me some techniques I can use. Honestly life is a bit too hard sometimes.