No more hope

[Seeta]

I feel disgusting talking about it but I’m really suffering at the moment. I have been through a lot in my life including the loss of my parents, the loss of a loved one, sexual abuse, family violence and right now an abusive relationship. Also, once the pandemic started, I felt sick and had all the symptoms of the Covid but there was no place that would test me for it. After doing an X-ray, they found viral infection in my lung but I couldn’t get the thought of having the virus out of my mind. Ever since my mental health has been awful.

At 24 I feel like this is the end of the world for me, I have a beautiful little daughter who is very cheerful and loving but being a mum with mental disorder makes me feel sick about myself. I can’t think, I can’t sleep, I can’t find anything that makes me happy and I can’t get out of the house or my anxiety will kill me. I am currently also doing a degree at uni which is another burden for now . I feel like I can’t recognise many people anymore and everything seems unfamiliar for me. The doctor has put me on antidepressants which hasn’t worked as of now but I’m hoping that it will. I’m also seeing a psychologist who is the sweetest person I have even known. I feel very hopeless and worthless at the moment. My partner is no help at all as he believes mental illness doesn’t exist and that we make our mind to always think negative. I’m constantly told many negative things including that I am worthless, lazy, mental and that I have grown in hell. The only reason I’m here today is because of my daughter.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Seeta,

We are so glad that you have reached out here tonight to let us know how you've been feeling. We're sorry to hear that you're struggling right now, but please know that our community is here to support you through this. You're never alone here, and if you would like some extra support to talk through these feelings, please know that you can always contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime, on 1300 22 4636 or you can get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport
In addition to this, the counsellors at Lifeline and Suicide Call Back Service are always available via phone for your most difficult moments:

•  Lifeline - 13 11 14 (online chat available 7pm-12am) 
•  Suicide Call Back Service - 1300 659 467 (online chat available 24/7)

We hope that being part of this community can bring you some comfort and help you to feel a little less alone. Please feel free to keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it.

[therising]

Hi Seeta

So sorry to hear you are struggling more than ever. It always leads me to feel sorrow when I hear someone is in the deepest stage of despair. I see Sophie has been thoughtful and supportive in giving you some life lines. Grab hold of one whenever you need to. Do it for your daughter, if not for yourself.

Not sure if this will be of any help but I just want to put it out there in case it does make a difference to you. In looking back at my time in depression, I'm now fortunate enough to be able to understand my darkest times and all those statements I made during them. 'I can't do this anymore' was true. I couldn't do that person (my suffering self) and that life of sufferance anymore. 'I can't stand this world anymore' was true. The world I saw back then was one where people didn't appear to care. Outside of depression, I found the careful ones. They can definitely be hard to find Seeta. Lots of them here on the forums, for sure. The careful ones listen, they don't judge harshly, they try raising you to possibility and different ways of thinking. They love you wholeheartedly, without question. You are loved here because everyone here knows you are worth loving.

I recall when I first came out of my depression, it was as though I'd lost my identity. It was kind of like my old self (the way I'd always identified myself) had disappeared. It felt like I was given the gift of starting again. Believe it or not Seeta, the reaction from most of the people around me was not what you'd expect. Although they were somewhat happy for me, they found it difficult to identify with me. So...back down I went, prepared to conform, so as to not upset others too much. Didn't go back into depression, just a kind of disappointment, which hung around for a number of years. Fast forward to about 10 months ago.

Sitting outside at home on my own, I decided to meditate. I meditated on receiving some inspiration following a statement which was coming back into my life again, 'I can't do this anymore'. Suddenly, what came to mind was 'You have to let go'. I thought 'But I cant'. If I let go of this person I am, who will I be?' All that kept coming to mind was 'Let go. Trust'. It was hard Seeta. Eventually, I thought 'Okay, I let go!' Suddenly, I started balling my eyes out, which went on for a while. It felt like a part of me died and I was relieved.

To sacrifice our (old) self can involve tremendous grief/loss before overwhelming liberation comes our way.

🙂

[Seeta]

Dear the Rising, thanks for all the encouraging and kind words. I still have some hope here which is my daughter and I know she is the purest of all. I am still taking each day as it comes and don’t look too much into future. I have also recovered from an 8 year of eating disorder and have fully recovered in the last 2 months. I know I should be proud of myself but then I also feel really really hopeless and worthless.

I would say as for myself, there is zero hope for now but I’m wishing all will get better in future.

[Seeta]

Thanks you too Sophie_M 🙂

[josh1245]

hey seeta your welcome its our job to look after one another I'm so proud of you that even though you are going through a hard time at the moment you are determined and nearly going to graduate I'm so proud of you.

[therising]

Hi Seeta

Any time you want to chat about anything, I'm here. If you want to express your sadness, your intolerance, your anger your achievements or your struggles...go for it.

Congrats on your reform regarding the eating disorder, seriously powerful progress which is worth celebrating. Your daughter has such a powerful example, in her mum, of determination and reformation. You both have the incredible ability to raise each other in a lot of ways.

Our kids have the ability of raise us when we don't even notice they're doing it. My son will be 15 next month and my daughter's 17. The 3 of us have come a long way, raising each other. Occasionally I look back at the first 3 years of my little girls life, wishing she didn't have to face having a mum who was depressed. I try not to beat myself up over it too much. I tell my self 'It was not my fault, it was a fault in the chemistry in my brain'. I still remember how she used to hug me when I'd have occasional breakdowns, with her little arms around me. She raised me to understand I was loved unconditionally. My son coming into this world eventually raised me to the need to attend Post Natal Depression group therapy. Would never have considered group therapy in a million years if it wasn't for having had him. My daughter has said in the past how her brother (in a round about way) finally got me out of my 15 or so years in depression. As I say to her 'He may have led me out but you got me through the last few hopeless years. You have no idea how powerful you are'. I believe, often our child or children will raise us to meet incredible challenges that we would not normally consider meeting. We come to better our self because of them. We come to raise our self because of them. They raise us through every potentially soul destroying challenge. The song 'You raise me up' comes to mind.

Another song I absolutely love is 'This is me'. Best version on YouTube is The Greatest Showman cast version, as the words appear on the screen. I shed a tear or more every time I listen/watch it. It's so powerful. While there may be a lot of people who try to break us down to dust...we are glorious.

Give your daughter a hug every time you sense her raising you. This will raise her too. You are an incredible team.

🙂

[Seeta]

Thanks Josh

Yeah I’m finishing my degree in 2 weeks time hopefully. But it’s sad that it doesn’t make me happy at all.

thanks for being there to listen 🙂

[Seeta]

Thank you so much Therising, thanks for giving so much of your time to reply all my boring posts. I really appreciate that. I wish I could reach you privately to talk to you whenever I could but that is fine. Thanks for being on this forum.

[Seeta]

Thanks Josh

yeah hopefully I’m finishing my degree in 2 weeks time if I am able to do my assessments. Thanks for being there to listen.

[ecomama]

Dear Seeta

YOU ARE AMAZING! Look into your little girls eyes and see the love she radiates back to you, that's the LOVE YOU invested in her. Take joy in her sweet little heart because yours is JUST as big.

OMG TWO WEEKS of Uni! Girlfriend you're almost at the finishing post woohoo! Now is the sprint section of the marathon you've been running. Get there and have this ONE major hurdle behind you. Then breathe lol.
Focus now. Concentrate. Pull out all stops to get there. I've done 3 degrees and in disgusting situations. Boy I am SO GLAD I did. My hard work then has paid for everything since. You can do this. You've done it so far 😉

I can't wait to celebrate with you.

Another member posted something like this recently "Before you diagnose yourself with a mental illness, just make sure you're not surrounded by ____holes". Ring true for you?

We can help you sort through stuff after your degree is finished and before and during, whenever you want.

Music really helps me power through hard times: I love Beyoncé when I need some GIRL power. Bruno Mars Uptown Funk and some Cee Lo Green.

Love EM