new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Dear Blubes

Thanks for saying that about our darling chicken. She is the SWEETEST thing in the world.
And she's getting BOSSY lol! I love that she's so full of life and vigour again!

I took her outside for 3 hours this morning lol, did the raking, sweeping, had my phone Counselling lol (my Counsellor was laughing about it too) and I thought "Ok she's had her outside time for the day".
NOPE she demanded to go outside late this afternoon... walking ALL over my bed and refusing to go to sleep!
So I nearly got carried away by mozzies while she did chook stuff in the garden for another 90 freaking minutes lol!

NOW she's happy to go to bed.
Cheeky chook.

Bad flatties erghhhh.
I just can't go there and tell you the rotten stories. Really bad.

SO HAPPY you can tell a rotten person when you see one!
I stopped flattying lol at 25yo so I was far too young and still far too naive in my 30s to meet a psychopath & marry it.

I was born in Asia (not saying specific country due to ID) but I know you love the food lol.
Parents of descents different to Asia. But I was my birth country's Nationality till 15yo or so.

Crazy that Angelo's mum was born in the next province of the same country.

Alexa, the adult children and I all went back to my actual birth place when they were very young.
Soon after we bought our first home (the kids and I).
Then Alexa worked in that kind of Restaurant for many years.

SO we both understand that language pretty well lol, worse at speaking it!

WILD HORSES are holding us back from running around to meet Angelo's MUM!!! (she will LOVE my garden growing that country's food ingredients lol).
It's like full circles happening!

To think Angelo works for Disney!
My BF grew up right near Disneyland lol.
PLUS they're BOTH super intelligent IT, computer nerds!

They will LOVE each other to bits.

I think Angelo thinks he's met "the one"... lots of gossip happening and Alexa is getting lots of feedback from her friends lol.

The thing they loved about the convo the other night was the empathy, sharing and intellectual synchronicity.
Those are things that last, that's great.

EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

Hi lovely ladies,

how are you all going?

beautiful for Alexa.... what a job to work for disney. Really high up and sought after. He's doing great. And a creative and interesting career.

I'm doing good - thanks for the encouragement about the dating and making friends!
The only men I've met in the last year have been at mental health /hospital facilities lol.
I've only been twice but both times the men there bonded with me and hit on me. Outside of there I literally rarely meet men and when I do they are older than me by too too much. I find it hard to meet men my age.

The men in the hospital were very caring and kind but of course with both of us in crises it was not right. One of the men used to bond with me and watch romantic comedies with me. It was so so nice. Better than watching them at home by myself I guess!

I'm having weird ptsd crashes - heavy anxiety followed by very very tired. I haven't been sleeping very well and am anxious about that. So the little self-care things are helping! I think of you guys a lot and am happy to hear how well ur doing

[Guest_1643]

i also think ur amazing blubs taking ur experience and now having clarity when meeting someone toxic. you're very lucky you can do that. a lot of people get stuck with toxic people. I used to myself because I would buy their bs and drama and let them manipulate me. It's great to get to a point where you can see it straight away

[ecomama]

Update: Yvette

Yvette told me some very dark things this week about how her mind works and what happens to her mind and her thinking.
I'd never heard of anything like it.

Psychs I spoke to about this said there most definitely will be a diagnosis or diagnoses to be made - my darling girl.

I really want to smooth out the path for her to get the very best help we can get.
It's NEVER fair this stuff, is it?
Just never.

I sought an all female GP Clinic / Surgery as I really want a PRIMARY GP for her. One who knows about female issues (she may have poly cystic ovaries) and to support her in her MH and wellbeing journey.

Looks like a Psychiatrist will be necessary AFTER a Psychologist. Sighhhhhhhh.

Her GP appt is on the afternoon of my mammograms. Oh yay. The receptionist said that this Dr is not planning on going anywhere for a long while. Ok good.

Yvette said thankyou but that she's terrified.
The only thing I'm scared about is the length of time it can take (like YEARS) to get diagnoses / meds correct etc.

It took Alexa's friend over 12y to get the right mix of things and this is what upsets me the most.

I just kept telling Yvette that I'll be with her every step of the way.

I think I'll be calling a helpline about this. 1800RESPECT knows so much of what's happened.

I just need to know I'm doing the best I can.
I'll also email the SA Psych who said to contact her again if we can't get in to see anyone.

We haven't been able to at all.
Not even "wait lists" are being kept.
It's the saddest thing for these children who finally told ppl what happened and they can't get a psych.

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

darling y - she's starting on a journey - i hope she is okay and gets help

I know it is concerning

1800 Resepct are amazing

I used to never leave my name but have only now began to, as you mention how it helps to have everything on file. Is it an all female GP clinic? I hope she finds the best person. Ask a million questions

[ecomama]

Thankyou Sleepy

Y is having lots of friendship issues also. Difficult age.

Yes it's an all female GP surgery.
I already chose the GP.

I just picked up Y from work and she seems alot calmer.
Probably knowing she's allowed to have that day off school lol.

She also told me she's finished ALL her final assessment tasks for school. That's a huge achievement for her.
She hates school now.

I'll have to email that psych who said she MIGHT be able to see Y early next year.
That was the only glimmer of hope for us.

Regular children's psychs don't want to see her due to the SAs.

She needs a specialised one bec of that.
So difficult.

Anyway it's Friday tomorrow and I bet she'll refuse to go to school tomorrow too.
She only went 1 and half days this week so far.

She quite likes working and will get a great pay next week from all the extra shifts she picked up.
And she went to dancing this week.

So she IS engaging more.
The friendship issues are so sad for her, she only just recently began getting back in to a social scene, now she's being shut out of that all over again, when she'd like to be included.

The group of girls even changed to a different messaging app she can't get on her phone and this shuts her out also!
SO it look like she'll need a new phone next year too just to have the chance to be included.

Hate this stuff. So much pressure.

Love EM

[Guest_498]

I understand the ptsd crashes, heavy anxiety, lethargy, not sleeping well & also being anxious about that. I know these all too well.
I think youre amazing too Sleepy. Youre doing really well. Keep up the good work.
Romantic comedies in hospital with men IS better than watching them on your own!! This might sound strange but when youre all alone, any company is better than none. I know that's not true but sometimes its how I see it.
With narcissistic ppl (or anyone), I generally don't engage in backstabbing, speaking ill of ppl, or entertain anyone telling me things about another person, whether theyre true or not. I don't have that 'bitchy' side to me. I don't like it, I dont do it to others... Never have. This way, I can't get manipulated to believe any b.s. they tell me. I stay away from dramas or other ppl's business. I mind my own. Lifes better this way.
Hang in there and continue to do the things that make you happy, like decorating your gorgeous apartment!!! Ill be going shopping this weekend to buy a few things to decorate my home with. Not sure whatll be yet. Lol.

[Guest_498]

Ems, your parents were of descents and you were born in another country - nice. Most Australians are. So am I.
I hope Y is ok with her dark thoughts and her cystic ovaries. Ill have her in my prayers tonight.
Blubes. Xx

[ecomama]

Thanks Blubes

Yes she's having today off school again.
Hopefully her new GP can be a great influence and support for my bbg lol.

Yes, my parents were Missionaries sent to the country I was born in.

EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

Hey EM - i heard some good news about Alexa??! happy to listen 🙂

Hey Blubs 🙂 How are you?

thanks for all ur help with my place, its so sweet of u

hope everyone is okay - what are these storms -? is everyone okay???

monkey hope you are enjoying your room - is it really nice? What sort of resort is it?