new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Apologies for taking so long to reply, got a bit snowed under with appointments and things. Making another attempt to see a psych after the last one was a bit of a crackpot that didn't help much, and have been trying to get caught up on looking out for my general health. Dental mainly. Ugh.

Don't go telling everyone I'm sweet, it'll ruin my reputation, haha. 😛

Yes, my birds are very cheeky. So much personality in those tiny little bodies. They are of diferent breeds, both wild birds my ex brought home (sorry, telling the breeds would identify me very quickly), I've raised them each from about a week old. What a beautiful experience, so much learning. Mr Feisty's first flight had us hunting around in worry when he wasn't in his nest. We found him snuggled up on my dressing gown, on the bed.

Not surprised you don't like that colleague much. What's wrong with having your chicken in bed with you? Your comment that "she's just a chicken" bears no weight with me. The lives and wellbeing of my birds mean every bit as much as my own if not more. If we can't value these innocent creatures, what can we value? To me there is nothing more important.

I'm on board with the interior decorating talk, EM, it's fun. Wow, that's a lot of work in your garden. Never mind if your place takes ages to work though, as long as you're enjoying it.

Yeah, that sort of stress takes its toll on your health. Like you I need far more sleep than I used to. Glad you're getting on top of resting. I come and go with that.

Sounds like you have a lot pulling at your attention. I'm glad you have the house/cabin planning projects as positives to focus on in the midst of it. With help, too, always good.

I had a quick goosie at the CES, it looks interesting, might have to give that a go at some point.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey Blueberry,

Thanks. I'm pretty happy with my colour scheme. Forest green is richer and darker than sage, more the colour of curly leaf parsley (not usually a colour reference like sage is, but hey, herbs are as good a colour chart as any, haha). I'd really like to do a feature wall of it in the lounge some day, I think it would look great. Charcoal, white and silver is a pretty uncommon colour scheme, sounds really nice. Do you have trouble keeping all the white clean? I had white towels at one point, they didn't stay white long...

Blue.

[Guest_1643]

hey Blues - yay for decorating talk 🙂 lovely to see you here how are you?

Hey Em - that's not nice about the girls excluding Y - very hard. Sometimes they are just thoughless when they are young and unable to realise how hard it is being excluded. I hope the Gp she goes to will be good. I have PCOS myself I think - i'm not sure if I do. I have some of the symptoms

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy21 and all...

Omg Alexa! I'm seriously SO shocked she is so happy lol... this guy is certainly a guy to be happy ABOUT!

But she's SO fussy that I held fears for him lol.

So the 2nd date was supposed to be 11 days after the 1st for authentic Ramen noodles, about 2h drive from home.

The suspense was killing me so I didn't know how either of them were standing it either lol...
OH YES I DON'T LIVE vicariously through my children, I live OVERTLY through my children lol!

I needed help with the "I'm not happy unless every one of my children and pets is happy" problem of mine. TedTalks helped there this week.
Still I need everyone to be "okay"...

Ok up with the date plan? lol... then he texted ANOTHER fantastic future date to the Botanical Gardens.. TBA lol..

But they both couldn't stand it so have organised a brunch next Thursday, once she's back from her work trip and the kids are at school.

Phew now I can breathe OUT lol.

Remember Alexa is "taking it slowly" as she said to him... and his response?
(Cheeses he's amazing...) "Take as long as you like, as long as you're happy, that's all I want".

JAW ON THE GROUND.

Clearly he's been working on her happiness ever since....
Noodles (yes my kids LOVE Asian food bec of me being born there so it's 95% of our home cooked meals)...
Brunch
Take as long as you like and all the other talk which I hope to get to!!!
BOTANICAL GARDENS...

And she was worried that a computer nerd - as he calls himself lol - would NOT like nature.
When she told me this, I said "Oh _____ give him a CHANCE"..

He does!

A whole family of ducks and ducklings came out of the water that night on the beach and circled around them then waddled off and he thought that was MAGICAL.

I saw pics of him today.... oh dear.... he's SUPER CUTE! LIKE REALLY CUTE!!!

And SO respectful.
He asked her if he could hold her hand!
Held doors open for her etc etc.... just like my gorgeous BF.

So much more... I'll get RSI girls lol...

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

wow he sounds so cute and charming

10 days to wait til the second date... and she culdn't wait... mmmm i smell feelings!!!!!

the botanical gardens is so so romantic.
Maybe they could go to a drive in lol? I dont know if the movies are closed where you are? But maybe he wants a break from movies in his spare time.
I'm so happy for her lovely girl

As long as she is happy, right? what sweet thing to say - its nice to be spoiled and have somone care about ur happiness. I'm thinking of the title of the Flannery O"Connor book: "A good man is hard to find."

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, so nice to hear from you.

Please never apologise for taking time.... we ALL need to do that.

OMG please ask ANY questions you want to about the CES!
Seriously very exciting when you REALLY get into it!
The support we got and gave through our local one here was such a Godsend, you have no idea.

It totally changed my feelings about living in bare bones poverty to a feeling of prosperity within that group.
It took my friend a full year to talk me into joining lol! Then a year or more of using the system to go flying within it, and I mean FLYING!
I got Goods from overseas even!
Paid for postage in our system's "units" which are called different things depending on which system you're in but..... you can trade with ANY systems in the whole country and the whole WORLD.

SO brilliant. Ask away whenever you want to, I know you'll love it.

Yes not many ppl have our hearts for precious animals.
I'm minding Alexa's rescue Border Collie from tomorrow while she goes away for work.
We LOVE her and she has a "Nanna voice" when she talks to me... it means "I love you SO much Nanna" lol.
Darling chicken does too... she's so precious.
I'm so grateful she chose to stay with us.

Aha... I'm having so many medical interventions atm.
Not fun but gotta be done.
Just hope I get the all clear on EVERYTHING and same for YOU too!

I'm taking Liposomal Vit C every day atm... beats most things lol and if it doesn't then the placebo effect does!

Yeah things are tough for my bbg. I hope we get a clear path for support for her.
Absolutely go with your gut instincts on your psych and get another one.
I stop sessions when I can see certain techniques they use (which I saw noted in a Ted Talk somewhere) to make you think you still need them.

I find I use up all they've got.
Then it's time for a break and / or seeking another one.

I have a strong Counsellor though who's AMAZING. She said I gave her the steepest learning curve any client ever has lol... I actually apologised and she said "NO! It's been great for me!"
Noice.
Perfect match.
EVERY session she helps me and for around 5+ years, so that's pretty incredible.

We used to wonder how long the magic would happen for but now it's just accepted that the synergy is there.
She's originally from the U.S. and that culture is steeped in therapy much deeper than ours.

Talk soon!
Love EM

[ecomama]

Sleepy21 said:

wow he sounds so cute and charming

10 days to wait til the second date... and she culdn't wait... mmmm i smell feelings!!!!!

the botanical gardens is so so romantic.
Maybe they could go to a drive in lol? I dont know if the movies are closed where you are? But maybe he wants a break from movies in his spare time.
I'm so happy for her lovely girl

As long as she is happy, right? what sweet thing to say - its nice to be spoiled and have somone care about ur happiness. I'm thinking of the title of the Flannery O"Connor book: "A good man is hard to find."

Oh Sleepy, it's so comforting for me as her mum. He's making her happiness his priority.

I can't wait to meet HIS mum! His parents live a short bike ride from my house lol and I want my native tongue to return. I need conversational first language. Then it comes back to me!
Not that it's all about me lol.

Movies won't work for them, they already discussed that lol. They want to talk too much to each other. Awww.

I'm in NSW. There is a drive in about 2 hours away though lol.
But just so you know... we're allowed to go to the movies here.

Do you know that Alexa asked Shep to go to the Botanical Gardens for almost 10y?
Never did they go.
Then Angelo just sprang it on her.

She's barely spoken about Shep to him.

And without telling Alexa, this week he organised a Baby Shower gift for one of his friends expecting their first baby. It was all hand selected baby items in a big nappy holder and a huge supply of nappies to go with it.
He still hasn't told her.
He's that humble.

A common friend (L) told her yesterday.
And for Ls 3 children, he texted L last week and sent photos of 3 expensive Lego kits for them for Christmas, asking if they'd be okay as their presents?
L said that EVERY YEAR without fail since the kids were born, he sends beautiful Christmas presents for them all.

L and her H are cold stony broke.
What a gift he's been to their family.

I think some really good Karma is on it's way for both him and Alexa.

Seriously Sleepy, I had to leave the country to find my good man. And his accent is the opposite to a trigger lol.

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

So true, we all need time. But you know me, I like to be prompt. Sometimes the energy just isn't there. To be honest, I'm a pretty sleepy creature.

I get the impression the CES has a much gentler spirit than trying to bargain/barter in actual currency. My experiences with sites like Gumtree have been an unmitigated disaster, people really mess you around and cause a lot of stress. I have put so much good stuff on the curb for people to just take because it's waaaay too stressful trying to sell things online and as stressful to have the stuff underfoot. I've had a similar experience with trying to make a second income online with services, it's a lot of muck around and little to no actual gain. Hence, I admit to being a bit hesitant to try it. Once bitten twice shy and all that. But assuming I can overcome that obstacle, my main question would be about pricing my own goods/services. I have no idea what I would expect someone to pay for a tub of yoghurt, or how to guage something like budgeting advice - per hour, or something else? I think there would be a market for those things.

I'll never get people who can't prioritise animals. They're way better than humans, if you ask me. No such thing as an innocent human, but animals... they deserve the very best.

Medical interventions are not fun. Fingers crossed your various tests and appointments come with good news for you. I have a few asthma meds and my ADs (the things to breathe, and the things to want to, haha), it could be worse. My partner has such a huge pile of things he has had to take after the transplant, it sucks for him.

I wish your daughter the best of luck.

I did get rid of the first one, years ago. He was interesting to talk to, but had this odd focus on my gender identity and decided I must have issues with the status of my job. I am quite secure in my gender and whilst I hate my job with a dedicated passion, it has nothing to do with status. I'm not sure the current one is a great fit either. I'll give her a little longer to see, but I'm not wholly confident. I have not had a good run with mental health professionals, frankly. I've heard there are good ones, I'm yet to see it firsthand. Hang onto that counsellor is all I can say to that.

I chuckled at your daughter's concern that her new beau might not like nature. My partner and I are both computer nerds that adore nature. There are more of us than you might think. 🙂

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey Sleepy, I'm enjoying the decorating chat quite a bit. There isn't a specific thread for that, is there? It seems to just work its way into general conversation, which is pleasant. Good to see you too. I'm semi-okay, not too bad for a clinical sad sack, right? (There is a thread for that, in the Long Term Support section - far be it from me to junk up this one.) Hope you're doing okay. 🙂

[ecomama]

Blue

I think we were separated at birth lol.... in fact I'm gobsmacked that you could write EXACTLY what I would write lol.

Brb, gotta pick the kids up from work.

Love EM