new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_498]

Good luck with appts Ems. Let us know how you go.
Love Blubes

[ecomama]

Hi Blubes

Specialist has booked me into the hospital wait list.

Doctor has referred me for breast scans; ultrasounds and mammograms.

I'm hopeful things will be okay.

How are you doing sweetheart?

Love EM

[Guest_498]

Im ok darling...just out getting petrol. Ive got hair appt tmr @ 12.00 - Im getting loose curls done to the end of my hair & end of layers. Should look awesome if done right. Most hairdressers refuse to do this because the curls dont last and it costs a bit to have them done. Also, I have to tell them how to curl it because they don't believe it could be done & most argue with me sheesh. Ive had them done before. Argument is: I tell them to curl upwards, not side wrap as they normally would. They disagree, says it wont work. Again, sheesh.
Been flat for several days now. Been exercising heaps (I exercise much more when I get stressed). I'm trying my best to battle through it.
I hope all is well with you too.
Xx

[ecomama]

Well done you for changing things UP a bit with a new hairdo, even tho the fuss with directions could be frustrating lol!

ANY distraction can be welcome to push through during down times.

Gyms open soon there don't they?
I heard a snippet about it on the radio today.

Are you going to rejoin a gym?

EMxxx

[Guest_498]

Yeh Ems, gyms are set to reopen on 8th. The 25km rule will also be abolish then. Things are slowly starting to open back up. Yes, I will be rejoining a gym, yes.
I forgot to check in on you re: armpit. Is it ok? Is it still causing you pain?
You must be looking forward to having prodigal son visit you this weekend. I hope hes ok and doing fine with his New job.
Has your other son broken up with his gf yet? Is that the one you attended the sport game with not so long ago? Im sorry to hear that theyre on the verge of splitting up!! Sad. Yes, young love is painful & heartbreaking. But so is adult love. Young love is just more innocent when they split. No courts involved, no complications. Be there for him when he needs a shoulder to cry on.
Always, Blubes xx

[monkey_magic]

Hey Ems,

Also keen to know how everything goes health-wise.

And glad the chook perked up for a while.

You have a lot of energy. So much happens in your world.

Fingers crossed everything health wise is ok.

Best of luck for the upcoming tests.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

All good, EM. In fact, this very reply suffered a similar fate and I have had to type it all over again. Sigh.

Fair that you want to give your attention to him, sounds like he could do with the support.

I don't know if I have the energy for another thread, EM. Ol' Blue is a constantly fatigued creature, struggling a bit to keep up with what I have on the go already. I have been known to lose plants to excessive kindness, but also the opposite. I get pretty overwhelmed and worn out from the basic day to day stuff, and one day of that in Summer can spell disaster if I just can't get to watering the garden. I've tried many times to establish a garden, but that just keeps happening, I can see why most people don't do it until they retire.

Your dear chicken had some good moments, by the sounds of it. I wish only good things for her in the time she has with you.

Thanks for the encouragement for my threads. 🙂

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Thanks for the kind words, Sleepy. Glad you're here too. 🙂

[ecomama]

Dear friends, any NEW friends are always welcome to post too!

My darling chicken is beside me, outside, hiding from the other birds. I'll take her inside soon. She's doing miraculously well inside, acting like her normal self! Sweet and cheeky.

Yes dear son's gf DID break up with him yesterday. She was upset and crying about it but he stayed dry eyed. She wanted to stay friends but he told her not to contact him, he needs time.
He was REALLY low when he spoke with Alexa last night and said gf was the "only good thing" in his life. (We know how THAT feels, Alexa forgave him for that one lol).

But over dinner, thank goodness he was here for dinner, he actually laughed a bit and ate REALLY well.

I decided that NOW was the time to bring up Alexa and him buying a house together, within the next 1-2 years but one needs focus & time for such things.
They'd each told me separately they wanted to and Alexa said maybe they could do that. I asked her to wait for my cue.

Last night was the cue.
His whole face LIT up and his demeanour changed to from quiet to chatty and talk about possibilities etc.

This morning I asked how he was and said I was sorry about the breakup. He said he was ok but then went straight into talks about how he's going to approach his boss this afternoon to gear up for a promotion LOL! THAT'S my boy lol.

Alexa needs to do Settlement with Shep, he is one space cadet! Still doing the "buy back" and abuse cycle and she's just WATCHING it and flicking the abuse. Saying "Let's do Settlement" on repeat lol.

She is SO much better atm, she has medical issues (we both do from demon's poisoning), so she's finally seeing a Dr about them.
She arrived with new Ray Bans, new jeans, new Birkenstocks.... ALL things she hasn't done for 10y since meeting Shep. She went red faced, embarrassed, when she was telling me of all the things she bought OMG! I told her to be PROUD of what she's achieving, NEVER be embarrassed, darling girl. Be proud.

Looks like I have quite a bit of medical intervention coming up. My specialist has put me on the wait list for hospital.
I need breast scans. I'll make the calls and booking today (WHILE MY UNCLE IS HERE omg - fixing the house still).
The lumps went down (which shows infection to me!) but whatever else is going on, hopefully it all magically disappears lol.

I'm just SO immensely grateful that in my long life lol, I've only been in hospital to give birth.
I'm not on any meds.
Grateful.

Love EM

[ecomama]

I'm so very happy for you all that Victoria is opening up again and SOMETHING that resembles normal life can resume there!

Lord knows you've most certainly earned this freedom. Darling Victorians. XXXXXXXXX

How are YOU all going??

My Uncle is coming today and I'll be snowed under with his demands no doubt.

Not sure when son is coming home. Actually A LOT of "attitude" came out about that son last night over dinner.... the knowing looks we got from each other.... fears. (Not about drugs).
About stuff I haven't disclosed here but will try to find the best words to express all that later.
There's no doubt I adore him.
There are doubts about his behaviours. BIG red flags tbh.

Anyway Uncle is here and that's why my post is so delayed lol!!
He just left for the hardware shop.
He showed me my lourvre window tracks I ordered and they're gonna look SWISH down there!
LOVE them lol.
There's no glass yet. Just tracks. Alot more work to do before we order the glass. All good.

I called Breastsceening Aust as my Dr ordered me to. I saw a 1 star on the local one's Google page... man I'd give them a minus 20!
HOW RUDE and awful that woman was.

I was so polite.
She was outright rude.
Why they have such a rude person on the phone is beyond me. Plenty of polite ppl need a job. I'd sack her.

So I called another imaging place, my Dr gave me a referral to them just in case I couldn't get in to BS Aus lol...

I have an appt in 2 weeks sighhhhh. Pretty long wait.

Just a note, the breast examination was so thorough I think I'm bruised. I've never had such a thorough examination before.

Anyway time to watch more of The Secret and get rid of whatever it is lol.

EMxxxx