new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Hey Blubes, I'll post on your thread but I just finished Suburra.... mmmmm. What an ending.

I had to finish it off in my head with the girls living happily ever after at the carnival! lol...

How are you doing?
I hope meeting the gf went okay?

EM

[Guest_498]

Hey Ems,

Yeh, I know right? What an ending ... hmm I've got so much to say about the ending, but I won't be a spoiler sport.

I'm ok today - it was a sunny day with Melbourne cup long weekend. I always get down with public holidays. We've already spoken some time earlier about that and how it makes me feel. I get so alone, you know. The feeling is just awful for me. But I let myself go into exercise mode and work my little guts out.

My flattie's gf was nice (I thought). She seemed polite enough. She didn't stay long at all. I thought she would've at least stayed for dinner, but she didn't. All and all, it was ok.

I finally went to eat in at a cafe for lunch this afternoon. It was good to get out and enjoy the sunshine and sitting down for a meal for a change. Its slowly getting back to normal for us. Slowly, slowly. It should be back to normal soon as we've recorded NO cases and NO deaths again today - yay!!!

How are you feeling today, missy?

Love always,

Blubes xx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

That's encouraging news, especially re the PTSD triggers. Sounds like you've come a long way from where you started at the beginning of this thread. Something worth celebrating, I think. Hopefully the specialist and doctor's appointments go well.

Yes, life is always going to come with odds and ends to grumble about. Not having major things on the list is good, aside from your dear chicken, of course.

Ah, so your parents were hoarders too. Mine are shockers for it. It sounds like the things you own are largely things that you value greatly, and that's what it's all about. A shame that things have been destroyed - I agree taking an inventory would be handy, to know what you still have rather than for ruminating on it. Can't make the best of what you've got without knowing what you've got, after all.

Repairing is always better than replacing when you can, I'm sure you look at that from an environmental perspective rather than for minimalism or even budget purposes.

Being creative definitely results in a lot of space being used. I have a crafty streak myself and am a bit conflicted about that. I mostly make things as gifts or that have practical uses (like bookmarks), for that reason.

That's some impressive composting. I have a compost heap and a tub inside for veggie scraps, and I recycle as much stuff as I can. Not a lot of my waste goes to landfill. Pity I don't have any garden skill, have tried many times but my plants never live long.

Love that you grow and preserve a lot of your food. What I lack in garden skill I make up for in the kitchen. Would love to give jams and stuff a go. Hopefully you'll get to do all that sort of stuff with your fiancé before too long, it's great having someone to share your passion. Cooking with my partner is fantastic, though we have very different styles.

I see you found both my new threads, they are off to a good start. 🙂

Completely understand how you're feeling about your chicken, I'd probably be a bit the same. I'm not overly soft-hearted, except about my birds (and my man). Nothing means more to me than they do.

Blue.

[ecomama]

OH WELL DONE VICTORIA, that news makes me SO SO happy Blubes!

omg you guys so deserve all the accolades imaginable. I'm so proud of you all.

It's like the weird ahhh after a huge battle... looking forward to it all so much then.... okay what do we do next? With exhaustion.

I know I still haven't recovered from the Courts exhaustion-wise... adrenalin overload for far and way too long.
Stalking still happening recently makes me steely.

How are YOU doing precious?

With so many things happening here, I'm "swirly" - like calm things being nice and sad things being well...sad lol and then questioning things like son's gf and how he'll handle it.... and why prodigal son is coming home... just realisations hitting me that my instincts are SPOT FREAKING ON. Which is scary sometimes!

It's okay.
Just alot of confirmation of my gut instincts.

Which leads me to OTHER things my gut tells me... so then I choose calm.... see? Swirly lol.

I think I'm moving in to more of a "normal life" and my self being reborn into it all...

so WEIRD lol! My school friends will love seeing me smile again!

MUSIC INSPO - doing it on my thread too! lol... see what I've done on YOURS BLUBES!

here it is.... (you guys are going to get a REAL education in ancient music lol)...

Put Your Records On by Corinne Bailey Rae

Now try singing it! I can almost hit those notes and Y comes in and BANGS those high notes out effortlessly lol... she got the voicebox for all of us here... darling child she is. She sings like an ANGEL, she's singing now and playing her guitar.

She stayed home and minded darling chicken today with her "pulled muscle" mmmm.

Lol.
Love EM

[Guest_498]

Y with her angelic voice - Id love to have one myself but my singing is just absolutely diabolical!! Iol.

Put Your Records On by Corinne Bailey Rae .. I'll take a listen tmr when I'm exercising. I must say I've never heard of the song or the singer before. Looking forward to listening tmr.

Sad to hear about the chook, I'm sorry to hear that she's going downhill. Poor baby girl. And, mmm Y stayed home because of her "pulled muscle". Glad she was looking after the chook though.

xx

[ecomama]

Hi Blubes (sorry Blue, my long post to you disappeared... my computer did "a thing" last which is my highly scientific term for IDK what went wrong lol)

Oh that's a soft song, maybe for dancing not for working out but you decide, it's a sweet one.

Y's pulled muscle WAS the chook lol, it's difficult because we ALL love her. IDK if she'll make it till son gets home on the weekend, but he's really hoping she will and tbh if she's in pain, I hope she doesn't in a way... if that makes sense.

Another chicken is sick, sounds mean but I'm nowhere near as close to her.

I had dreams all night, I started watching Schitt's Creek and it's very funny, but my dreams were in that town but with ppl I know lol.
Busy dreams!

I can feel this weekend is going to be a hard one with son's broken heart, prodigal son doing who knows what but coming home - we know it could prob be the last time we see him for a while so it's a happy / sad thing, then ofcourse our darling girl.

Blubes I know what you mean about weekends and special occasions making us feel awful.
I just pretend it's a week day when I can. Just fool myself and carry on!
Then I work hard in the garden and feel exhausted for work lol... no answers there.

But I was alone for a few Christmases and volunteered work hours at a soup kitchen.
It was pretty triggering tbh but I could put that aside in those days and put my heart into it.
The volunteers have to work pretty hard, so even that's a distraction.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Oh Blue's my post disappeared! May laptop conked it... actually my wifi... as technical as I can get lol and then get a teenager to fix it, which I did.

I need to check on another member going through an acrimonious separation and it's getting worse by the minute. HE'S not getting worse, he's grown much much stronger since joining but the shyte's hitting the fan so it's all hands on deck for him atm.

Oh please join our gardening thread if you dare! lol... I think you're probably killing your plants with kindness and being so thorough that they can't cope! Does that sounds like you?

Being a vegetarian, you would benefit more than most by growing food or even herbs, have a think lol... maybe the green thumbs will infuse into you there lol.

Yes darling chicken.
I took her outside and after a while and one beak full of yoghurt, she stood UP and looked around!
So I put her on the ground near the big bowl of seed and she had 3 pecks!
I think she's so blind now that she's giving up, life is impossible for her this way.

If I left her outside then it's likely she'd be killed by the other birds today. They do this. It's like a communal decision. Pretty barbaric!

I'll come back and answer your last post more thoroughly after work and stuff tonight.

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

hi all

how are you doing today?

how is ur chook em?
so true regarding seeing your instincts were sharply on point - scary isn't it!

So nice that ur son is coming to vist on the weekend - hope you get to spend some quality time. Just to see him will be so nice.

Thanks Blues Clues for ur fun thread - always great to have new threads to talk. Glad to have you here on the forums

[ecomama]

HI Sleepy21!

Yes it's strange "knowing" things by relying on your gut instincts all over again...for all that evil marriage with the gaslighting about every effing thing, they were thrown WAY off point.
They were still there but demon was saying I was stupid etc...

Oh thankyou for asking about my darling chicken!
She's incredible.
Last night she was lowing her head, bobbing from side to side. I kept waking up to see what she was doing. Signs of steep decline.
She did ok this morning.
I took her outside when I got home from work and she wanted to get down on the ground again, she actually WALKED around!

MORE miraculously I took her back to bed with seed, yoghurt and water... then laid down next to her. She cheeped and I answered. She did this for about 45 mins then lo and behold she started pecking into her seed omg!
She hadn't eaten since last Friday!

She was so close to me that I could hear her little tummy gurgling from all the food she was eating. She went at it voraciously for about 90 minutes omg.

It really IS a breakthrough for her.

I'd put Colloidal Silver in her water, maybe that did the trick... IDK.

Alexa said chicken thought "Yeah life sleeping in mama's bed every night ain't so bad! I think I'll stick around lol".
Early days. But really lovely.

I left her outside for 3 minutes by herself and the brush turkeys started attacking her, so only supervised garden visits now lol.

I'm exhausted from lack of sleep and working hard this week.

Specialist and Drs appts tomorrow. Heavy day lined up.

Yes I'm looking forward to seeing son this weekend.
Another son is talking with his gf tomorrow, he says for the break up talk, so he's really really sad.

Loving Blue's threads too! Fun ideas!

Love EM

[ecomama]

Darling chicken is now being mischievous! lol...

Gotta be quick because I have a specialist appt and Drs appt today and I woke up SO nervous about them.

I'll be back.

Prayers and or good energy would be really appreciated today!

Love EM