new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Thankyou for your well wishes monkey and everyone.

It's gonna take A DARN lot more than this stuff to get rid of me lol!

Hey Blue

OH please don't start another thread if you're not up to it!
Tbh you already HAD started it lol.

And we're having alot of useful exchanges of info in those also, so THANK YOU!

Don't feel you have to respond to everyone all the time, certainly not daily!

I like how others do their responding, in ONE post when it gets busy. But there's clearly alot of thought gone into those posts.

You really don't have to respond to those broader ones I think.

My darling chicken is doing well!
She's bursting to get into the garden and the greenery but she's just not safe out there as she's REALLY beginning to realise.
She calls out in fear and I answer, so she comes to find me.
Then huddles up next to me. Her blindness is getting progressively worse, so she's not safe where she loves to be unless a person is out there with her.

That person would be MOI! lol.

I just bring her inside.

She's in the loungeroom today because it's a cooler day, but I've got no idea where I can put her to be safe when the weather gets really hot. Its an OVEN in the Summer in our loungeroom.
I'll work something out.

I AM LOVING YOUR THREADS BLUE!

Thankyou for starting them.

I need to get more into the visualisation thread bec of these health things going on.

AND my garden and whatever else sparks JOY!

Moving rooms around with an aim to have it done by end of Jan is a biggie lol.
Actually it's HUGE.
I need alot of help with the heavy furniture and I can't pay for the help. I have to ask my brother to help move it.
It's planning the process that helps here.

Gotta go, Uncle will be back soon and I have to make a robust lunch for him lol.
I hope he hasn't gone too berzerk with my atm card!!
Finances are tight atm, like really tight.

Love EM

[monkey_magic]

Morning Ecomama,

Swish swish bish...love that song by Katy Perry...

Oh nice it sounds like things are getting there with the house.

Good on you for being prompt with the examination..now the dreaded waiting game.

I often think that about rude ppl. How they stay in their professions. This world can be a strange place.

I've been upstairs all morning. Did a bit of room cleaning, avoiding my mum. Went down to make a cuppa, all's good again.

Best of luck with the results. Positive vibes 🙏🍀💮

[Guest_1643]

katy perry is so fun monkey - i love her songs.
Her voice is really good when she sings covers or less pop songs she has a great range.

Hey Em how are you? Thanks for the encouragement for Victoria - great progress here and i'm happy about it.
Good luck for the tests and sorry that woman was so rude. Hope you deal with more positive people as you deserve it!

[ecomama]

Thanks girls.... yeah I can't imagine how HORRIBLE a woman would feel worried about having breast cancer then getting THAT at the end of the phone. Blerghhhh.

My ultrasound is booked in for 2 weeks away - earliest appt.
So no results to tell for a number of weeks yet...

The hospital admission - who knows when. I'm on their wait list and on a Cancellation wait list also.

So it'll all happen when it happens.

I'm SO sorry there have been triggers and yucks happening in our sweet friendship group.
What's up with all THAT?

My Uncle kinda drives me crazy. I'm trying to calm down after his last fall into "object permanence" (that Alexa said she and some of us have in our family - will explain later maybe if I can lol).

So FINALLY the new shower head is on after 5 weeks and it was NOT a thing we needed done. Here's the object permanence thing again.

We also need a super custom made strip of hardwood milled to specs (WHAT NEXT!) to go under the louvre windows. Lord knows how much that will cost BUT lower maintenance etc.

It's all a headache.

Once a month is the MOST I can handle right now.

Next year I'll be back FT, God Willing, and looks like I'll just leave my atm on the kitchen bench! (😮 reminiscent of times with a useless demon of a H).

And so as he was about to leave he came up with THE most insane suggestion (more like an INSISTENCE) BUT NO WAY JOSE!

Completely rebuilding another driveway on top of our sloped driveway for cars to drive in LEVEL.

What the....... BUCK.

After he rambled for ages about all the intricacies, I interrupted him and said "I'm more concerned about having breast cancer and whether I can keep working for the kids to have a home than rebuilding a driveway Uncle"... as if her never heard a word I said today about my health.

OBJECT PERMANENCE grrrr.

Anyway I said we need the cabin built before thinking about ANY of that.
And I think I'll go insane during that lol. But didn't say it.

I said after THIS, no more nothing to the house.
CABIN.

I need INCOME and then downstairs for INCOME. (Not doing downstairs till kids stop living down there lol - about 10y I reckon).

He said Ofcourse then left quickly lol! Thank goodness lol!

I'm heading to the shops for some vege stock for a Minestrone soup!

Be back later.

LOVE EM

[Guest_1643]

hi amazing ones,

Sounds like ur busy EM and doing great self care. Great news with ur sons job and some really positive develpments for ur daughter. The kids seem to be exploring life and that must make you so proud to see their independence grow.

Your son seems to be handling the break up well --- the house option seems to have is mind ticking. Something awesome to look forward to while letting go of the relationship. Break -ups always suck.

How is chook? Still sleeping with u?????

You and Blubs have really helped me with your linen suggestions - i think ur right about the coral being pretty!! I only have one bedside but am thinking of getting a second one and maybe i'll put the pile of books somewhere else - slowly slowly it's feeling like home.
Yay.
Major.
Is uncle staying from minestrone soup? Nice of u to always feed him as u mentioned he loves your food 🙂

[ecomama]

Hi Sleepy21!

I'm so glad you like how your bedroom is developing, want a chook for a night or two?
Yup darling chicken is in MY Bed again tonight and I'll keep her sleeping there for the forseeable future. I found her perched on my red velvet chaise lounge in my loungeroom tonight omg! lol..

I like coral colour... really feminine and pretty.
I was thinking of your colour scheme and also think silver things would be swish.
I like a bit of bling, it's very feminine too.

I have a crystal bowl next to my bed. I bought a similar thing for each child. Timber ones for the boys. I bought them all from an Op Shop this year.
It's pretty! The light from my lamp (when I slept by myself lol) hits the cut crystal at all angles.
I have my hand & face creams in it and other stuff I use in that spot eg the essential oil for my burner and nail files.

You mention wanting a second bedside table?
Is this to create balance?

Everything's topsy turvy in our bedrooms as we begin the process of sorting, chucking etc to change rooms.
We've been in our rooms more than 10y so it's going to be a long process.

Love EM
PS: OH NO the soup wasn't for Uncle lol... I fed him stacked bread rolls with chicken and salad.
I kind of "got in trouble" for overdoing things bec I didn't know Uncle was pre-diabetic! 😮

Break ups suck big time. Son's pushing through. He's such an amazing young man. He was up, showered, well groomed for school then straight to work to bombard his boss lol! He wants the promotion he was promised. He finishes at 1am.
He has ALL the qualities a sensible woman would want in a partner, not a bad boy, just a good young man.

I saw his exgf tonight at the shops and she looked terrible. Her hair wasn't done as nicely as usual and she looked REALLY sad.
I didn't say hello. I don't think she saw me.
In future I'll just wave and leave quickly.

There's nothing to say.

Love EM

[Guest_498]

Ems, son sounds like a mature, good man, beyond his years. Sounds like youve raised a responsible awesome man. So proud of both of you!! He'll be ok and bounce back within time. Hang in there bbb. Xx
So at hairdressers... I told him what I wanted and what to do. No arguments. But I honestly think hes brought the curls up bit too high. We'll see. Fingers crossed. Im bit worried now. I know the curls will eventually drop but still.
Brb. Blubs

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Thanks for the positive feedback on our exchanges around the forums, and on my threads. 🙂

As for replying to everyone's posts, I guess it's just my way. Thorough communication is built into me, one of the things my mum got right in teaching me, I think. I am also hugely conscious of the nature of these forums - it's a place full of people suffering depression and anxiety, battling feelings of rejection and a lack of importance. I reply individually because acknowledgement is so very, very important - these people need to be heard and seen, and know it. Maybe an answer on a thread is a small thing, but it counts when you're in that place and need to not be invisible.

Your dear chicken keeps hanging in there, she's a trooper. I hear you about trying to keep her cool. My house is a real hotbox in Summer, too, and I worry about my birds. Need insulation, but that is well out of the current budget. Ironic, considering what air conditioning costs me - it's expensive being poor. Gotta find a workaround, I think. Hopefully you can find a safe, cool space for her to be in when things get warmer.

Sorry to hear of your health worries, and that rude woman when you tried to book an appointment. As you say, the last thing someone needs when they are worried about their health. I too wonder how people like that stay employed. Hopefully your upcoming appointments don't reveal anything too distressing.

Sounds like your place is in a bit of chaos at the moment with moving rooms, and having your uncle around - I get the feeling he's trying to take over? I had similar recently, my house is a cheapie with difficult to remove mould problems - my partner's dad helped us get rid of the mould, which was of course never good for us, but would have been extremely dangerous for my partner after the surgery, now he's on immune suppressants. I am grateful for his help but also found myself very frustrated and feeling like I had no control over my own home with him bustling about, coming up with all his bright ideas. It's a job to rein him in sometimes. End result has been good, though, and we have reclaimed the spare room, which was the worst spot for mould (it remained unused since moving in) - we're in the process of shuffling things around between rooms now, too. I understand how it turns your home upside down trying to do it. Hopefully you get the help you need, moving furniture.

Kind thoughts to you and your lovely chicken, EM.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Dear Blubes

OH thank goodness you reported on your hair lol... yes ofcourse the curls will drop.
I'm glad you like it, that's important.

Thankyou for saying that about son. All my sons are really respectful to women.
I came down on them 100% when they started repeating things demon said when they were younger, I do everything I can to get rid of crap and develop healthy character traits in them all.

They'd have me to answer to if I heard ONE thing.

But I have zero issues at all with them.
They really are beautiful boys. All their teachers say this, friend's parents want their kids to hang out with my boys lol, parents ask me how I did it all by myself lol!
But they love their family and love their girlfriends so well.

Buying a home with Alexa has warmed the foundation of son that he lost in one fell swoop 2 days ago.
I can see a fire of motivation which seldom happens after a break up!

The family trait thing is being a workaholic instead of "dealing" lol.
He's had 3 big talks with Alexa and her psych degree has helped A LOT.
Maybe he's worked out the balance of working AND dealing.
Well done him.

Tbh I think his ex gfs FRIENDS were pressuring her to break up with him.
That's why she's so sad.

Oh well lessons to learn all round there.

What are you having for dinner? Ms Double Law Degree lol!

Love EM

[ecomama]

Dear Blue's you are SO SWEET and caring.

You're so right about replying. I'm pretty haphazard about it shamefully.

Sorry if I've done that to you.
Sorry if I've done it to ANYONE!
HUGS.

Omg my darling chicken is doing so well, it's like nothing happened!
Honey yoghurt and colloidal silver in her water lol.
Ok and TONS of love and care.

And a King Sized bed with an electric blanket on. 😆
Bit crazy but I've never shirked the crazy pet lady label lol.

I spoke with the kids about our "Summer Plan" for darling chicken.
We decided to house her in the bathroom during the days we're at school / work.
That way the undecided dog can be kept away from her. (He's not sure whether to LOVE her or eat her or love to eat her omg).
Our cat on the other hand protects our chickens! lol.
It's the coolest place upstairs.
She won't "get lost" bec her blindness is hard for her.
Easy to clean too.

She'll keep sleeping with me.
I can still take her into the garden for an hour before work (re-scheduling necessary) and after work too. She CRAVES the garden but get's terrified if I'm not really close to her.

OH YEAH I HEAR you about no money being expensive... you are SPOT ON there!
It's the Matthew Effects in action which is so BS..
As the Bible says "The rich get richer and the poor get poorer" = NOT FAIR.

I hate inequity like to my CORE.

Please see if you can borrow "The Barefoot Investor" from the Library. Any edition is fine.
You can take what makes sense and leave what doesn't.

Have you heard about "Community Loans"?
Our Trading Group donates money for these. Our currency is NOT dollars and cents but our small membership fee of like $7 or something is often not all needed so the remainder is donated to projects like these.

Anyhow there are community loans available here.
ZERO INTEREST which is what it's ALL about, just like the Ancient Greeks. :-))
Payments SO LOW that most people can afford them.

Tbh I wish BB could extend it's services to this.
And a warehouse of working goods to disperse.

I guess you weren't in that house when the free Insulation was offered back in the GFC Stimulus days?
We got it then.

We also got lots of insulation through my Trading Group years ago. Some we'll use in our new room downstairs but the rest in the cabin I HOPE to build one day.

You're doing a lovely job on your threads!

We all need space some times, so letting everyone know you're taking a break is completely understandable.

Love EM