new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_498]

I hope son isnt too sick. Do hope hell be ok. Oh no, you wont be able to sleep early or properly tonight. Yup, never a dull moment when you have children.
This aspect of children Im not looking forward to.
X

[monkey_magic]

Hi everyone,

I hope your son's alright too.

Very inspiring reading what you wrote to Blubes, Eco. You are full of light and life. Stuff like just how incredible your capacity is etc etc....

I loved reading. I suppose I'm still feeling a lil overpowered and needed a bit of guidance myself.

I'll sort this thing out Mon. I'm off the CTO but still not discharged from mental health and feel uneasy about still being qtned. I'll make this discharge happen.

It is cruely. I totally get that.

I also think we do get things bcas of imaginable cruelty done to us. We can empathize- yep, true.

A thunderstorm is coming and I'm loving it. It's raining. Bird is still stuck in my wall but the only thing I can think of doing is cutting the wall open but I don't think my mum would appreciate that. Poor bird.

[ecomama]

About the poor bird... hate to say it but it needs to come out... not to only save it's life but if the dead bird rots then the stink is impossible to live with so will have to come out then... it happens at work about once a year.... HUGE buildings and now I KNOW that stink immediately.

I can even tell if it's a bird or a rat... yeah. Not nice.

AN air tasker could be good for this job?
Or the real estate if you're renting?

RIGHT monkey I'm concerned now because you are.

You need a plan.
I suggest a direct letter from your GP REQUESTING the discharge papers.

He was an awesome, kind supporter of you throughout all this and HE has the professional capacity to request this.

Hopefully you're done with them then!!!!!

MORE POWER TO YOU MONKEY.

xxxxEM

I think that should do it.

[ecomama]

Hi peeps...my update.

Son has major burns to his fingers and a lesser one on his arm and hands. It'll be a long recovery for those. The darling boy is in a lot of pain. He slept most of the day.

Prodigal son (lol) is home and going back tomorrow.
He's exhausted. He's enjoyed being in his room with the kids playing games and being fed alot!

I'm about to get him some take away and get some time up on his Ls as well.

Alexa (also not her real name) came over early and the others came for lunch.
Man it was a busy bee colony here today.

It rained all day. We really engaged a lot and made lots of food. Then we started cleaning out the food pantry! lol.

After very little sleep 2 night in a row, I'm pooped. I have to pick up kids at 1am so this isn't pretty!

I have a very sore arm pit. Not a good sign. Must make a Drs appt asap. It's happened before... Drs are "watching it".

I'll need more liposomal Vit C.
Happy with the Govt's sensible decision to double the MHCP to 20 sessions but incredibly pithed at them that we now have to get a PRESCRIPTION for a VITAMIN.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.
It's life saving. No need for this at all. Just angry about that.

Alexa put her business proposal to me again but not for me to join it but to work for her when she needs me to. I accepted.
I'll have to get written permission from my employer next year for me to be able to do this second job.
I have to be full time before applying.
All part of the "contract".

The kids need me less and I have more "spare time" than in 30y lol! Sure I'm busy but the work for Alexa is extremely pleasant and I'll be able to be a "back up" if other workers let her down also.

Before Alexa embarks on this, she has to have Settlement finalised which she completely agrees with.

We made a loose timeline that if Shep hasn't signed off by December then we're lodging in Family Law Court and self-representing. I did the research before to self-rep and our case was so complex and took a lot of fighting for the kid's to be heard... so much stuff.

Alexa's is far more straight forward and we know Shep will not want to stay in Court for long at all... too bad if he does. It's not rocket science, just a heap of paperwork really.
My Lawyer can give us spot advice - she's brilliant.
Plus I have a Family Lawyer friend we can pay to look over stuff too if we need.

It's awful having to do this again.
But for Alexa's financial and emotional freedom plus her future - it's tantamount.

xxxxEM

[Guest_498]

Hey beautiful.

I'll read all your posts as well as Monkey's and answer them soon. Just spending a bit of time with my flattie - I cooked roast beef and potatoes. He loved it. We had a REALLY good time over dinner tonight. He made me laugh heaps .. says "I never get tired of you talking". LOL. LOL!!! Cheeky bath plug! Na, it was a good time over dinner tonight.

Love always,

Blubes

[ecomama]

That's SO LOVELY Blubes, I'm really glad you had a nice fun time over dinner!

It' STILL raining today here lol... I still LIKE it! Not sure if I'll like it tomorrow for work tho lol.

My son's gf (the one who likes me) soccer semi-finals have been put off today because the oval is soaked. Ah well that was our BIG thing to look forward to besides prodigal son coming home ofcourse.

You will be so proud of me Blubes and maybe even everyone will be (I'm always fighting the 'hoarding genes').... we cleaned out our food pantry - got 2 garbage bags of food for the chickens and one full for the garbage.
I love the pantry now lol.

Son's burns are looking alot better this morning! Yay. They're still very uncomfortable for him but looking 'less angry' which is wonderful.

Not happy about the lump in my armpit, it was painful all night when I was trying to sleep.
I was hoping it could be an ingrown hair from shaving but it's not.
Swirly thoughts about that.

Will phone the GP Practice who have a few female GPs for an appt this week. Then to book an ultrasound etc. Mmmm.

Love EMxxxx

[Guest_498]

Ems,

The lump in your armpit sounds concerning. I'm sure it'll be ok, but yeah, you won't know until the results come back. I won't say fingers crossed or anything like that coz I'm sure it'll be ok.

Great to hear about son's burns getting better. Thank goodness for that!! Its always worrying when there's something wrong with your children. I'd be the most terrible mother worrying night and day.

I am PROUD of you!! Get rid of what you don't want or need!! They'll be taking up space in the house and, that's it. I'm a minimalist and cannot tolerate clutter, even in the garage!! I go apoplectic!! lol. My home isn't full of little trinkets & ornaments scattered everywhere .. NOOOO, I couldn't stand that. I have very little trinket stuff and the ornaments I have are placed in a glass display cabinet away from dust. My pet hate is to dust around small, fidgeting things as decoration. Oh my. Everytime I enter a home and see these things everywhere on display tables, along with photo frames, etc. I feel like seriously moving them!! Best I say, one or two bigger ornaments, together with minimal frames - that's enough.

Speaking of homes, decorations etc. I discovered my flattie has unusual living quirks that I'm not accustomed to. I don't know if this comes from a 'shared-living' mentality of his but such things as hanging your washing in your bedroom on a portable standing clothes rack instead of clothesline in the garage where you're supposed to. It takes up space in the room and makes the room look something out of a room in a village in China - awful, awful look. I really dislike it. I haven't said anything though. I don't think its my place to say anything. He pays rent and its his space.

UPDATE on RESTRICTION: It's not great news today - there's NO further easing on restrictions as there's an outbreak in the Northern suburb and they're waiting on the conclusion of a few covid tests. 😞

Have the lump checked out soon bbg.

Love always, Blulbes

[Guest_498]

That's great advice to Monkey, Ems. And, Monkey, you need to sort this out on Monday, as you've said. More power to you!! Yes, you need to take care of the birdie situation. When it dies, it will stink from the rotting. It's like having a mouse and die inside your home, the stench is unbearable. And, plaster wall is not that thick, the smell will eventually creep from it, not to mention any cracks to the plaster awell. It'll STINK and you won't be able to live in your room.

[Guest_498]

Hey Ems,

Great to hear prodigal son came to visit. You must miss him heaps and vice versa. As busy as you were with the colony around, you wouldn't have it any other way, I'm sure. 🙂 It always brings a smile to my face when I hear the good and fun times you have with your children - it's so beautiful.

How come Shep refuses to sign (if you don't mind my asking).

Blubes

[ecomama]

NOooooo! No easing of restrictions?? omg I'm almost hyperventilating.

Hold on through this. I'm very sad to hear about the outbreak Blubes and my other beautiful Victorian warriors. So sad.

It really feels never ending. I'm so sorry.

I love you! Does that make any difference!! Probably not but I really care about the situation you're trying to endure. Big hugs.

Yes so beautiful seeing prodigal son. He hugged me lots. Seeing things going down the gurgler for him faster than even I thought, is pretty difficult.
It's another reason why I need to go back FT next year.
I know I'll need to give him financial assistance and I love him, it will be hard for us to do this but I can't see him suffer too much.

Blubes you can ask anything you want lol... Shep refuses to sign because that restricts the Parenting arrangements (even tho Alexa is completely flexible on this) but majorly bec it means that HE has to pay HER out. Not much but something.
Also sort out the Taxes - which he won't do, Courts won't make him either... they're flimsy IME.

Not much fun at all but it's been a palaver for almost 2y now, and Alexa needs to move on with her plans for the future.
She can't atm.
Shep's making it impossible.

I started this response hours ago ugh...
I'm feeling pretty rotten after a horrible emotional discussion with my today bf.. it was so awful.

With his dim view of our relationship atm, there's no point in continuing.
It became volatile with his comments and I even had to ask if he wanted to sue me... I'm so shocked.

I've texted him my Insurance Co. I know or THINK he wouldn't do that but what a blindsiding comment that was.

It's made me feel very afraid Blubes. Not the way I need to feel with upcoming health issues to sort...

The Drs were "watching" the lumps in my breast... if it's spread then I'll need to face all sorts.
Facts are facts.

IDK why ppl have to be so cruel. Some ppl enjoy kicking you while you're down.

Time to shut down further.

Love EM