new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_498]

"It's another reason why I need to go back FT next year.
I know I'll need to give him financial assistance and I love him, it will be hard for us to do this but I can't see him suffer too much". Yeah, I get it. I would do the same. Is he working at all now since he's moved away?

And, what is up bf bottom today?

[ecomama]

Hi Blubes

No he's not, not for trying and he's resigned from his job here so he's far further down the gurgler than any of us thought he would be so quickly.
Son was led up the garden path by that family about getting a job there. It ACTUALLY has one of the highest unemployment rates in our whole state. Even before covid.
We knew there wasn't a transfer possible.

That family told him he could and most of them have barely worked, so what would they know.

It's a freaking mess.

BF? It was horrible.
I feel ill thinking about it.

xxxxem

[Guest_498]

How do the family propose to look after him? I mean, foodwise, school costs, clothes, entertainment etc? Surely, they cant expect a child to look after himself without a job? I mean, they couldn't even provide him with a wardrobe? I can totes understand your stress here. What can you do really. But to support him as best to your capability.
Hang in there, Ems. I get it. He doesn't have to be dead for you to feel like theres a sense of loss. He's barely an adult and living with non hopers. Be there for your son but don't make it too easy for him, as he might return home sooner. Fingers crossed.

[ecomama]

I agree Blubes, I really needed to talk about son's situation. Thankyou SO MUCH for hearing & validating me.

It's SO hard being a single parent.

That family had NO intention of providing for son.
They expected to get stuff out of him! (He had $3000 in the bank a few weeks ago). He's had to fully fund everything because I'm walking the fine line of son feeling the full consequences of his decision / stupid choice & making sure he doesn't starve /can get home on weekends.

Both their D - son's gf - & son are living out of 2 of our good suitcases.
Hope I see THEM again lol...

they have a super thin mattress each on the floor,
I can't go on with the long list but it's there...

It's so crappy it really is.

That family THINKS I'm loaded.... well thankyou but I'm not lol.
I own property so I'm rich is their thinking.

The BANK owns alot of my house lol. NOT ME.

Why that would make me rich is beyond their understanding. IT doesn't!

Anything I do (like BUY A BED for my children) & it's "she's rich"....
NO. I get a fraction of the income they get. I have lots of kids also.

I just DON'T spend it all on substances including alcohol and unnecessary items.
I don't do stupid things with the money I get, which I could list but I won't for fear of insulting anyone.

Today I decided to offer him money for his Opal Card to get the train home whenever he can or wants to. BUT I'm not making that offer for a week or two.
He's starving when he arrives, eats like a horse here then packs food to take back.
It's horrible to watch tbh.

I have $1000 of his money left in my account but $600 of that will be for his phone for a year.

He's left his car here not even transferred into his name AND now as of last week it's unregistered... see "the look" Blubes?????? Grrrr.
I'm angry with THEM but I'm letting son FEEL this absolute mess he's now in.

He needs to OWN this decision being "an adult" an' all, right?
He's an ADULT ecomama, he's an ADULT.
If I heard that said to me one more time by those thieves I was going to scream!

A kid in Year 11 with a part time job he's now lost and moving in with nutters (whom I might add have only 1y ago left a cult... yeah... omg), who doesn't have his driver's license yet and DURING A PANDEMIC.

His brothers all have their licenses now.... hundreds of L hours I did with them.
This darling son was too busy helping that family with their dramas, to get his hours up.

Insanity.

BREATHE OUT, move on EM lol.

EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: Yvette & Alexa (both not their real names 🙂 & BF

Yvette just got home from 4 classes of dancing lol! She's doing most of the lessons she left & felt like a Princess when I picked her up.

She came home & made a healthy smoothie. omg wow.

I want to tell you what she said to me last night.... I had an inkling she was hedging towards "coming out" a while back..
Last night she was happy when I picked her up from work.
Then her eyes welled with tears, I asked "What's WRONG?"
She said "I don't think I could ever date men"...

I said "Is THAT all? Is that IT?" she said yes.

So I responded with stuff like... omg I HEAR you! I don't care if you date women or no one. "Dating men" is not the be all and end all of life! omg no WAY.
DO & BE whatever you truly are.

My aim is for you to be happy!

Almost there.... Alexa wants to throw a party lol.
Not quite yet.

Would you say that's "coming out"?

I think there needs to be a bit more but kick me if I don't need more.
I won't ask questions because my Counsellor told me not to.

I'm SO PROUD OF HER.

Alexa: she's moving forward with her plans for a much bigger business.
I'm proud of her too ofcourse lol.

BF: Sorted things out in brief calls today. He apologised no end for his reactions.
I asked him to search for an adult autism checklist & have a read.

So many boxes ticked there. He's not sad about my suggestion. He wondered why no one picked it up alot earlier.
He's extremely intelligent & extremely competent at his scientific engineering job.
But has always had issues with social situations & can't "read people" at all very well.
There's more.

The "He's not dead" comment was triggered because I said I didn't want to talk about son because I didn't want to cry any more about it.
His first wife passed away. His first experience with losing a loved one this way. This shocked & severely traumatised him, she was only 40yo. Even I cried my eyes out listening to him fully tell someone for the first time about her last few hours.

He was never permitted to talk about it in his family. So 15y later he spoke about it to me.

His second was his mum. She was also a very beautiful person to him. A very loving mother.
Me being upset about son precipitated his outbursts like I should be grateful he's living.

But he understands alot more about why I've been upset now.

He's also reducing alcohol and we know how "happy" that can be! Not.

Love EM

[Guest_498]

Poor bbb - he's so young and impressionable, being led down a garden path by THAT family!! Breathe Ems. Breathe. He'll be home in no time - can't see him living there for long at all, especially when he gets the creature comforts and good, yummy food at home. Just wait and see. The car situation is where you want it to be atm. Leave the status quo with registration. Leave his car at your place until he returns home. Best that the family can't get their mittens on it. Just make sure its locked up in the garage away from the weather.

So ok, now we understand why your bf was as abrupt as he was yesterday. Makes sense. It was a trigger for him. He's also waning in his alcohol intake. Yeh, I understand completely!! I gave up alcohol several years ago. I drink only occasionally now.

I thought we're calling her Y from now on? Naww, she's worked up the courage to tell you that she's gay. That was an awesome response to her, Ems. Did you ask her to clarify though? Whether she doesn't believe she could date a man or whether she would prefer to date women? Just a thought.

Alexa making progress with her plans - excellent. I'm proud of her too. Sounds good.

Blubes xx

[Guest_1643]

Wow EM - that family were also in a cult recently?
So much drama there it seems.
It sounds really hard being a single parent and them assuming that owning a house = you have it easy. As if. You can't judge people from the external at all and raising a family and supporting them while working and recovering - all takes money and time. I guess that family wouldn't understand that as they seem to not understand the value of money. I really admire how you're gently helping your son as he makes his own choices - it's going to stand him in good stead! He knows you have his back and also that you will let him choose - and then unchoose - for himself.
I'm sorry you had tension with your boyfriend but nice to read that he was open to reflecting on why that happened and what he might have to work on/consider in going forward. Keep strong EM you're doing amazing. Raising your fam and keeping up that awesome self-care!

[ecomama]

Yeah I think so too about all you said... basically the car isn't mine, so he can do what he wants with it.

I'll have to get it off the road though, so as not to attract a big fat fine for him.

I don't think son will come home until the year's up. He made a commitment and he's like his mum - keeps his promises. Sadly in this case lol!
I think he'll try to get a balance between coming home as often as he can and being down there.
Hence funding his Opal Card pretty soon, so he can make the trip whenever he needs / wants to.

YES! Y! Coming out has been on the cards for a while I've felt, so I've spoken to my Counsellor about it and she's emphasised not to ask Y questions... mainly bec of the SAs when she was younger and she clearly has O.D.D. so if I begin asking ANY questions then she shuts down and goes all silent on me (angrily). Keeping the conversation flowing is my aim.

The ACs and I have "manufactured" convos around the dinner table about 'coming out' and how great it is etc etc.
It is great.

We're buying her new dancing things after school today! So fun to see her smile so big, I LOVE seeing her happy.

Yeah BF... years ago I asked him if he had "survivor's guilt" over the passing of his lovely wife and he said "absolutely!" so we've spoken lots about that over time. It's diminished but I'm, pretty sure it's still there. Leaving his daughter in America is part of that, which I completely understand.

I don't want him living here anyway until my youngest is 18yo - so we have a few years.

I need time to raise my children to adulthood - ACTUAL adulthood but being over 18 is a good marker.

Love EM

[ecomama]

HIGH FIVE Sleepy21!
We're really smashing this self-care thing lol! (oh that's my humour about myself.... I'm trying lol).

I reckon if we can DO self-care, we're going to soar!

Yep! a cult. Gf mentioned "sort of like a cult" for years... I just let her talk.
But on the departure she said it was a cult. Which ofcourse I knew already.
Living in a compound etc etc... extremely religious with substances... pretty scary.

I think they still have ties to it but son's not religiously minded, not atm... so hopefully he's able to keep himself safe... and SANE lol. Little darling.

Yes dear BF.. he's been through so much even during our 5y "together". He supported me the best he could from OS during my hellfire but it was almost impossible to stay in touch with him during that time with the time differences and stress of Courts etc.

He has very valid fears of moving here... the "lawlessness" he saw play out and not being able to own firearms is a big one for him. He's never "had to use" his but has one just the same.
Plus the obvious fact that later on he will have a huge amount of money, more than I could ever imagine.
I already made it very clear that we're signing "pre-nups" in both countries to safe guard both of us and our families.

It's not about money for me but those string comments about pre-nups has made us ALL alot more comfortable.

This is all triggering talk bec his last W wanted the lot. It was shut down in a Family Trust so she had no say. He signed over their houses and everything to her... it was never enough.

Anyway I told him we have time to talk through these things in a gentle, loving way so that BOTH of us and all of us (both families) feel very safe.

If we can't succeed in him moving here FT then we have ideas of me living and him living in each country part time. Tricky as we age.... so yeah not sure how long we could do that, but that's the plan anyway.

I've got work today lol... I love it but sometimes I wish I could press pause and sort my head through!

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

so "sort of a cult" was always an actual cult. Oh gosh. Sounnds like son will be good though as he isn't too vulnerable to that sort of thing. Good!
we are smashing self-care lol -it's so nice to slow down and relax and do the self-care things. A hot drink, or your face ABC iview (or some stan!!)

I also loved reading all the colour combos of the sheets, there's a million to choose from and you guys got me thinking! still living minimal in the room and it's really nice- a black chair in the corner, piles of books and a salt lamp, and my bed waitig for new linen 🙂