new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_498]

Sleepy,

I would go dark, charcoal grey doona cover & pillowcases. Off-set the darkness with a white fitted sheet and flat sheet. Add another two pillows with white pillowcases. Finish the look with a white or lighter shade of grey big throw rug at end of the bed. Alternatively do the reverse in colour scheme. So, instead of having dark charcoal grey as doona cover, go white with charcoal flatsheet, sheet etc. The Himalayan salt lamp is very relaxing on. It'll defs help you with sleep. I can't sleep with any light on tbh. It keeps me up. Hope this helps.

xx

[ecomama]

Sounds VERY swish Sleeps! Did you make a decision about the colours?

Nice combo Blubes!

I decided to buy the latest Country Style mag tonight because it has MY BED ON IT lol.

I forgot to mention I went "all out" at a specific stage a number of years ago and bought myself a set of gorgeous linen sheets and pillowcases for my King sized bed.
BF nearly had a conniption when I told him what I paid for them lol! (I try NOT to remember lol!)
But that was a year before we met.

Ordinarily I'm extremely sensible with my money but hey why not?
They served their purpose lol. I'd just taken control of all my money back from demon and I was having LOTS of fun with it! Talk about actual conniptions LOL!

Ahh those were the days lol.

I also have a white "waffle" doona cover but I'm too afraid to put it on my bed, what with cats and dogs and kids .... that's going to have to wait lol. I was thinking to use it when BF comes next.
Fortunately he doesn't take notice of fashion trends lol!

Almost time to swap the flanno sheets for Summer ones but it's nippy tonight after a beautiful day, so not just yet.

Oh and I saw a WONDERFUL idea in that mag too... so I did it!
I put our heavy timber "Church pew" long stool outside on the balcony to use as a long coffee table for Alexa and the ACs when they come over. The kids play inside or in the garden and we get to chat more privately together on the balcony.
But there's never enough space for our tea and coffee cups lol.
Well there IS now!

I just have to sweep the cobwebs off of it and polish it up. Nice!

I might do that now... while watching Luther on Stan! WOW what a treat to have more to watch lol.

Love EMxxxx

[Guest_498]

Hey Ens,
I think men has diffulty in understanding how much good bed linen actually cost. They don't normally shop for these and when we come home and tell them how much wed spent, they would invariably say "how much"? Lol. Then you get accused of spending too much!! Well, then sleep without bedding stuff I would say. Flanbels are super warm arent they? Yah, almost time to switch them over.
Ems, mines waffle too. Love the texture. They're beautiful.
Hows your bf Ems. I never really ask you about him before. Hows his depression? Is he getting better? Mines up & down constantly.

[ecomama]

More's the point Blubes, how's YOUR depression?

Is it depression and anxiety?

HOW ARE YOU my dear friend?

Bf is doing so much better. All things Covid impacted him alot more than he would admit to in March.
But today his boss denied him working at a lab because there was a positive case there last week, so at least he has his boss's support for his physical safety - as much "safety" as can be there.

In March it was so horrible for me (lol... it's not always about me BUT THIS TIME it was) as it was like he was being sacrificed for the Country's wellbeing. You know how patriotic some ppl are. He is and that's lovely but omg what about me / us / our future?
He heard me and stayed home then his depression hit hard.

Tbh IDK what's worse. I was extremely worried about him.

So he went back to work.

I spoke to my Counsellor today and I'm going to say to you what she said to me when I said I felt a huge wave of depression over son leaving..... and you've had a mountain load to deal with too Blubes... so my Counsellor said "No wonder, OF COURSE you have!" felt depressed that is.

It's SO understandable why you'd be feeling so low!

You haven't had one tidal wave, you've had multiple in quick succession.
Blubes those would put anyone's MH to the extreme test.

It makes my heart park joy when you talk about what you're planning for your future.
Getting a little condo in the CBD, finishing your degree... and you're making connections right in front of us.

You show fortitude and strength, which is very admirable.

So how are you feeling today?

Love EM

[Guest_498]

Hello my lovely,
Im feeling so so today. Had dinner with cute flattie. He opened up to me tonight. I didnt as much .. These things take a bit of time for me as I "suss" the person out. I found out a lot about him in the span of two dinners together. One things for sure, hes missing home. He was supposed to be in Italy this time as he is every year - hes down about that. Other things that he said tonight, I understand as well.
Your words are very comforting. You always seem to lift my spirits even when Im feeling so low. I don't believe ive ever had a friend with this amazing ability before. Youre such a treasure. Xx
Thanks hun. Finishing my degree (this bit is so painful), as I could've graduated 4 years ago (this was perfect timing & opportunity for me) and be practising as a crim defence lawyer or work for a MP by now!!! This is such a sore point, babe.
Yeh, its a combo of depression& anxiety.
Great to hear bf is getting much better!! Speaking of Americans, I had another man from U.S msging me (he introduced himself early yesterday for a chat). Again, not my type, but im always polite to ppl. After I told him that Im married (lol) he kept insisting. OMG!! Wt? Ive since blocked him. How rude and bold trying to cut someone elses lunch!! He asked me if I was a politician (from my posts), lol...I said YES. Hehe.
Your session sounded beneficial today. Awesome, awesome.
Xx

[ecomama]

Oh dear! How downright blatant was that, that guy hitting on you even though you're a married Politician!

Lol. High five Blubes, noice!

Pretty disgraceful. My BF would apologise to you very sincerely for his countrymen's bad behaviour!
I'll tell him tomorrow and he'll apologise, I bet. He has a strong character and can't believe it when other's don't lol. He's so sweet.

Blubes! How shocking to hear you haven't had a friend who comforted you or tried to help build you up by pointing out the bleeding obvious to you about you lol.
Hey girl, get THIS switched up ALOT.

My probably 5 "born again" friends.... demon had axed our relationships without my knowledge, I had to work hard to find out what went on much later... I had no idea demon was even talking to them!

Anyway those 5 are the sweetest, most complimentary and supportive people possible. BUT THEY ALL give it to me straight too.

Man do they give it to me straight. Like about meeting BF ... one was in full blown panic & wanted to accompany me! lol... him also proposing to me wasn't quite the vein of "friendship" I thought we had, so I just left lol.
2 others were pretty much freaking.
Another made a list of 30 family contacts in Canada & America for me to escape to if things weren't good.

Alexa (also not my daughter's real name) gave bf the 3rd degree for almost any potential scenario. Bf said he would risk his life for me in any dangerous situation.
Alexa said, SO what! What's my mother going to do then? And she said ALOT more.

Oh dear. Lol.

When Alexa saw BF with me in Australia, she said that she could see without a shadow of a doubt how much he adored and worshipped me. I LIKE that lol! Took a lot of getting used to, I'll tell you, but it's so lovely.

I'm hearing you about the crap that intervenes in our great plans! Diverts us and omg it takes years to get that crap back on track.

The material point right here Blubes is that YOU ARE GETTING back on track and you're a Champion for pulling all this together for yourself after horrid turmoil.

You have a heart for "Justice" which shows so strongly through your posts.
This will benefit more ppl than you can ever imagine.

No way is that "diminutive" little diversion going to throw you completely off of your path!
No way.

Let 'em watch & weep lol.

I'd love you to read about how we spend 97% off our flight path in Stephen Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Such a brilliant book!
Also watch Amy Cuddy's POWER POSES.

EMxxxx

[Guest_498]

Difference is Ems, you have friends who really care about you. Mine were just in it for the good times - it's evident now, as no one is by my side (some even got involved in the scam) through my darkest, toughest, most challenging times in my life. Sad hey? Anyway, I'm glad I cut ties. Well, it was severed on my behalf. Glad to be rid of them. Strangely enough, I felt like a horrible person that no one wanted to know me - it was the CATT's tactic to make me feel this way about myself. In my experience, they're really cruel with their tactics and mind games. It's unprofessional and causes a lot of damage to the individual's mind.

My PTSD triggered today after finding out that there was a MASSIVE crowd at the shrine of remembrance. This is the BIGGEST PROTEST in Melbourne, and a real, proper one too, unlike the others. There's a woman leader who said “the virus isn’t real it’s a control tactic they’re trying to bring in new world order”. “It’s just a flu” Anti-Melbourne protesters have attacked police and horses. The group is carrying signs claiming COVID19 is a hoax and calling for Dan Andrews to be sacked. Also, the group planning the event believes there are 300,000 children being kept in tunnels under Melbourne. Seriously, I've had enough with these QAnon, tinfoil hat-wearing idiots causing problems when Melbourne is getting ready to open up again with an announcement on Sunday. Should there be cases arising from this ridiculous protest, it'll set us back again and I CANNOT do anymore lockdown, I'd go insane!!! I'm angry, scared, and not looking forward to any more restrictions. We just can't go back to it. I dare say that even the Liberal Party will not be proud of this, should there be an outbreak.

Blubes.

[ecomama]

Dearest Blubes

I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling with the stupidity of what's happening. It's not fair these ppl do this after everything you guys have had to go through.

This would be screwing with a lot of ppls MH - probably everyone's!

So sorry. Big hugs.

Blubes those friends I have now weren't around at all in those years of Courts.
In my darkest times I really didn't have anyone at all by my side.
Still had to provide for the children 24/7 and it was majorly stressful.

It took me years to work out how / why those friends evacuated my life.

But by the time Courts came I didn't have time to do anything but the horrendous, unstoppable legal waves overwhelming me and find ways to still feed the kids.

Even Alexa and all the ACs betrayed me and sided with demon. They were milking me for information to GIVE demon and make my situation hundreds of times worse.

I didn't have any of them at all. I just had my traumatised children to feed etc whilst PTSD became worse and worse from all the Courts and tremendous financial abuse of it all and demons debts.

I'm not saying your ex friends deserve a 2nd chance. No.

YOU DO.

As a friend I would never have betrayed you. I don't betray anyone. What they did was unspeakable, unthinkable cruelty. Beyond wildest imagination.

You have another chance at life, relative freedom (yah horrible restrictions) and a future you can plan out and carry out for YOU.

There are TONS of ppl who would LOVE to be your friend!
An intelligent, caring and compassionate human being who's seen the worst side of humanity.

You "get" stuff!

Your empathy shows this.

Once you acquiesce to the situation you can decide what actions you want or even need to take. '

You really underestimate your POWER Blubes, you really do, but it's VERY obvious to your friends online just how incredible your capacity is.

Don't take this power for granted Blubes. It's something to be grateful to yourself for.

Love always your ecomama xxxx

[Guest_498]

"I'm not saying your ex friends deserve a 2nd chance. No. YOU DO". - No I've decided to move on - let sleeping dogs lie, I reckon. Best I stay away for my own safety and mental health. I don't need any more set-ups.

"You really underestimate your POWER Blubes, you really do, but it's VERY obvious to your friends online just how incredible your capacity is" - ditto. Same about you. 🙂

I do have another chance at life - I'm a butterfly remember? It's just a matter of getting there; leaving the past behind me when I'm able to do so.

Like me with everyone turning against you, siding with evil ppl, including your own children would've been horrible for you. I was devasted and very very confused, as I didn't do anything wrong. You didn't either. The betrayal by ppl you love is heart-shattering.

I hope you enjoyed your time out tonight. Go Ems!!!! wohoo. Yummy, yummy food and good night out with the family. xx

[ecomama]

Great attitude Blubes!

I'm still totally stuffed with Thai food and have some in the fridge too!

I was waiting to pick up Y from work at 11pm but then got a call from my son who has burned himself at work. I think he was in shock when he called.
I asked him if it was bad enough to go to the hospital and he said "not really" but asked him to fill out paperwork for the injury at work (which he never does grr).

He asked if Y could work till close and I would have to pick everyone up now and drop some other kids off too... (he's in shock)... then said he filled in the paperwork and he's driving to the hospital NOW...

Grumphhhh.

I said I could get to the hospital by 2am after dropping everyone off if he needs me... he doesn't even have a MEDICARE card... he's still on mine.

Yep he just called and he said he probably will need me to go in to the hospital after driving the other kids and my kids home.

My poor darling boy. His voice was shaking from pain.

Oh the joys of motherhood. Never a dull moment.

EM