new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

You're welcome. 🙂

Yeah, it's a lot - I'm always exhausted, but now even more so. Puffballs will zoom away if I try to hug them - they grudgingly accept kisses, haha.

I can only imagine how mind-bending it would be, to learn of your own husband deceiving you. I have a history of problem partners, but whatever revolting traits they developed I knew about in short order. I wonder about "there's someone missing". Was it specifically about him, or about your sense of the family unit as it should be? Not to suggest you don't know your own mind, just curious. I know you're not missing demon as you now know him to be.

I guess you and Alexa have taken different paths with working through what you've been through. No doubt some things to learn from one another, there. Glad your counsellor brought your appointment forward, they know you're dealing with a lot.

All I can say to all that stuff you have to organise, is tackle one thing at a time. You've go this.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hi Blue

Ok kisses for Puffballs only lol.

The thought "oh there's one person missing"....
Except for the Easter gathering routine... the number of ppl I was counting (going down the generations) & coming to a number for the first 2 generations that didn't make sense (in my zone of rote preparations for such family gatherings)...

then thought "oh (that's right) there's one person missing", felt a pang of something like a mixture of guilt / shock / horror. Like a punch in my gut tbh.
It almost took my breath away!

I literally had to steady myself.... it was like I was in a different time zone... or something IDK...

BUT I shared it all with BF today, he was so lovely, he was also shocked as I was at the time.

I made sure I communicated that I would NEVER EVER even want to pass by demon ANYWHERE ever like forever - like eternity lol.

I wasn't even THINKING of demon & probably hadn't all day or for days...
Gosh I LOVE it when I do remember demon and it hadn't crossed my mind for X time!

I kinda get excited and have a little YAY! In my mind.
It's quite an achievement to have shoved that crap out of my head after being legally tied to it for decades. phew.

I'm fitting pieces together more and more tho.
P.son had come home the night b4 and talked about lots of things... one thing got me thinking about something I had forgotten and also didn't realise the impact.

I'm now known by my previous surname is almost ALL sectors of my life.
The kids still have demons surname.

P.son brought up that when he's a qualified Accountant he would NEVER put his surname on any advertising, he needs a name for his firm NOT using his surname... I asked why.... he said bec of demon, he doesn't want to be associated with demon in ANY WAY AT ALL.
He doesn't want demon to COME to his firm. Or any of that family...

I offered for him to have MY surname and then laughed bec it's my PREVIOUS husband's surname lol!!
Or he can take on BFs any time or wait till we're married... or use Phoenix as his last name - he said "too many bad memories using Phoenix"... another story.

So "stuff" was on my mind. I'd gone to bed thinking of p.son - not demon. Just son.

Long winded answer to potential reasons why.

Alexa said it was a sense of family.

BF was 100% kind & understanding.

I'll be talking with BFs San Diego family tomorrow, it's pretty exciting! I would love to see them more often. BF is driving down there from L.A. for Easter.

IDK, thankyou for caring,
EMxxxx

[Croix]

Dear EM (and All)~

I can relate to p.son as I've done something a little similar. Although I remained part of my parents' world for hte first 20 or so years of my life quite early on I deliberately ensured everyone I knew (other than my parents of course) knew me by my second given name. Only they (and now government forms) used my first given name, which I still by association find distasteful.

The is a lot of power in names and how one identifies oneself. Perhaps you son might consider officially changing his surname to something neutral or with pleasant associations, many people do (for valid reasons), not counting the rather unfair (in my more recent view) practice where many women change their surname on marriage.

While 'Jarndyce' springs to mind it probably would not be a good idea

I hope you enjoy talking with BF's San Diego family and relate well.

Croix

[ecomama]

Dear Croix, thankyou.

Yes I agree 100% with son wanting to change his name. I try to empower ALL of my children to follow their individual paths and KNOW themselves and what THEY want.
It's really nothing to do with me. I just see my role as supporter and facilitator, some times cook and laundry maid lol.

Tbh I think p.son will want to ditch his second name AND surname. demon named him... I feel so sorry he feels this way but it IS easily solved!

He just has to make the decision about WHAT name to change to.

Lol Jarndyce no.... maybe D'ARCY! Hahaha but he'll think it's a joke, us being huge Pride and Prejudice fans. It will NOT be Wickham! Apologies to any ppl with those surnames, it's ALL good!

I also said he if he come to be married one day, he could take on his wife's name.... THAT's a novel idea lol.

Then there's the thing for him of being the same as his brothers... so this could be a ripple effect. That's okay too.
Youngest daughter plans to change her name to BFs surname - it's a pretty smooth surname lol.

Tbh I was happy to change my surname to my Hs the first time... my parents argued my whole life as to WHICH surname I should have. So I had 2 all my life till I got married... it was confusing. Plus each parent would get angry with me if I identified as the other surname.

I won't do that to any of my children. They can do whatever they want with their names with my 100% blessing.

Thankyou for your awesome input as always lol
Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hi EM (with a wave to Croix),

I guess they know they are too small for hugs, the idea scares them.

I understand. I wouldn't interpret it as missing him. As you said, there was a family unit you thought you had, it's okay to grieve for that and be mystified sometimes by how it ended up. In that way, I think Alexa is right about the sense of family. It's good you're having longer periods now without the ex coming to your mind. Getting there myself with my last ex. Got more important stuff to think about!

I understand how prodigal son feels about his surname. Our names aren't just words, they are the things that identify us. By holding that surname he feels tied to where it came from, and I can only imagine how difficult that must be for him. It's great that you're supporting him to make whatever changes he needs to regarding his name. Sounds like he needs to open a whole new chapter for himself there, create his own identity outside of the mess you've all endured.

You sound pretty chuffed to be talking to BF's San Diego family. Enjoy. 🙂

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue

You're not gonna believe this but I MISSED their call today!
I think BF will be really upset with me... I apologised prolifically via text when I realised, 2h later... eeeek.

Not sure if it can happen tomorrow.

TODAY I woke at 4:30am with an inkling something wasn't quite right.
Well I was right... something to do with POODLE and POOP. GRRR.

So before dawn I had that revolting job... then needed to clean myself bec I felt like vomiting lol.

After a short time on the forums... tapping into the level of anxiety I felt, I had some fussing with family early this morning... omg everyone is feeling anxious atm...

THEN they went to the zoo...

I stayed home and MOVED over 100 x 10L buckets of soil being the TURKEY'S mound.... using that light weight shovel was a Godsend!

I stopped counting at 100 buckets... but it went on and on... I still have HUGE buckets all around the garden lol. Whatevs!

The turkey watched me do this ALL DAY LONG.

The turkey started putting it back the minute I went inside!
omg.... so with a vengeance, as it was getting dark, I brought up long timber planks and bricked it up, THEN put all these branches all over the area extending outwards.

Seriously Blue THIS really helped the anxiety diminish so much I can barely feel it.

But I needed to clean the laundry (because it's so disgusting - the chooks live in there)... BECAUSE I need to get quotes for the roof and ceiling AND the "man hole" to get up in there is in the laundry...

The laundry's drainage hole was completely covered up by the turkey mound.

So I had to work a domino effects backwards...
I want to call 2 Roofing companies on Tues when they're open again.

I had a long scrubby bath with the bath hose running almost the whole time lol because I was filthy!

I'm yet to scrub the laundry even up the walls... erghhh. I have till Tues to do that.

P.son went to the zoo with all the others today and he's doing okay tonight.

HAPPY EASTER Blue and everyone!

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Oh crumbs. Sorry you missed their call. You didn't do my trick of having your phone on silent in a critical moment, did you?

Oh dear, a poop incident. In light of pups being toilet trainable, is Poodle okay? Have you caught up on sleep after that rude awakening?

Glad the family had a zoo day, time around animals (especially ones one doesn't have to clean up after) is good for healing. They are so engaging.

Good grief, was there not a more efficient way than buckets for that job? That said, nothing quite like hard work for taking your mind off anxiety. The physicality of it burns off extra energy and draws you into the moment mentally. Or that's what I find, anyway. Can't help but chuckle at the picture of the turkey just watching you the whole while.

I get the whole domino effect of jobs - that's something that really does my head in. I can imagine the laundry with chickens in there making thier mess. Give yourself some leeway with that, in light of not needing it done until Tuesday. Maybe enlist the aid of offspring?

Not surprised you wanted a bloody good bath!

Glad prodigal son joined in on the zoo adventure. Good for him.

Happy Easter, EM (and all).

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue

The fam are on their way over... gonna be a big fry up for "Brunch" lol... that's what THEY are doing so I'm thrilled lol.

Well I started scrubbing the laundry walls this morning... tbh I'd rather the kids NOT help!
Not only did they flood the laundry into the house last time (yep ooops) but they tramped mud all thru the house last time too lol... but only p.son is home atm.. the others are either at work or I think the others forgot about buying eggs for Easter so they've gone out to the Shopping centre lol.

Whilst I got busy in the laundry, p.son cleaned their rooms up! Made their beds, emptied their garbages etc. How sweet is that!

AT LEAST the drain pipe is clear to the outside garden from the laundry.
I think I need to put some pavers in a "path" under the drain so it doesn't erode the soil there into the drain below it - in front of the garage door ugh - THAT drain is chocka block full of soil at one end atm... such a huge job there too...

HOPEFULLY the water coming from the laundry drain lol can run down the path I make and help wash some of the soil away from the garage drain.

I have a VERY early dentist appt tomorrow morning (yep Easter Mon lol) and I'm not sure how I'm going to feel afterwards.
I think I'll be scrubbing late into the night AND I found all this stuff in there that I was "hiding" from demon lol - gosh THOSE were the days!
So ALL that can go into the garage now yay.

Thanks for popping in, I know how busy you are atm and I really appreciate your time and attention.

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Hi Em,

Well I did plan to catch up on your thread 4 days ago, but here I am. You sound busy, and like there's lots of balls in the air- as per usual. I did however notice a brief comment about you feeling anxious about having too much free time. To think, you said, but maybe, to feel...?

Dear Em, I know you know this, but please make time for those feelings. And if they do flood you at a time when you're shovelling turkey mounds, or cleaning laundries, or fixing roofs (well, organising said fixing of roofs etc) Then just know that you are safe, and trust yourself to let it out, as you need to. Nothing is more important than you grieving, and letting go. It does sound like this recent loss of your friends daughter is triggering your own past losses, as well as the very real grief of losing someone in your circle. You are a very caring woman, and could not help but be touched by this on so many levels.

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to call HALT for a while?

I will be thinking of you, and hoping and praying for things to settle, and tasks to be completed easily and effortlessly.

Much care,

J*

[ecomama]

Hi J*

Welcome back! Thankyou for popping in, I hope you're doing okay?

I completely understand why you're saying that, perhaps I'm too "experienced with grief" and know this process all too well when someone loses a child. I could give you the back story for myself but it's a LONG one.. supporting my mother through the loss of her own child, my younger brother...

then other friends for such a long time...

it's something that never leaves a mother.

So yes indeed the moment I heard on Tuesday, I fell apart. Triggered pretty deeply and left work. I was crying too much to stay at work. Cried all the way home.

When I got home I called ppl I had to tell, cried more.

Simultaneously I realised THIS event was not my child (but I am ALLOWED to grieve as deeply as I want to) and...
My friend(s) would need me to be truly empathic but strong... and I knew full well that I (again) will be one of the only ppl they can talk freely about their loss for the rest of our lives.

The impact of knowing this gave me the capacity to LOVE my life right now.
Broken roof, difficulties in ANY form is LIFE.
I could breathe deeply, love the views, BE in the moment.

So whatever I'm feeling, I'm allowing it, but with the knowledge of what's to come... should I be blessed enough to live a long life.

My Grandmother was a great great grandmother when she passed at almost 100yo.
She and I spoke of deep topics when she allowed it... once she said to me 'something no one tells you about growing so old is that you lose everyone around you...' she told me how when she was 70yo she gave up making friends older than 50yo and the lost them all and kept going..
this happens, it's happening to me..

all this knowledge my elders passed on to me is extremely useful as I move forward.

With the border closures and the lock down where my friend lives, this means I cannot travel there...
She has MANY ppl around her atm, I'm very grateful for that.

Grief is a part of life, if there's anything to take from all the losses I've experienced so far, it's that I KNOW grief.
All the tumbling whys and how could this happen and why take a beautiful person and all the rest.. I went thru that hard core on Tuesday. I had been preparing for 2 weeks while she was in a coma.. Praying and WISHING so hard she would come out of it, this didn't happen. She passed and this is something I accept now and the horrible grief to follow, most esp for her family.

Love EM