new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Hi Tay

I'm sorry you were upset.

We had a death of a friend yesterday so I've not been on top of my posts, not as thorough as I would like to be.

I hope you're doing okay.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Thanks J*

It's hard to shut the thoughts out while I work etc but I'm crying when I need to at home!

Just keeping things as normal as possible for the kids.

Just when I thought my work couldn't ramp up any more... there's more.

I think everyone's feeling the pressure (except for the bosses ofcourse), so the Fed Rep asked us all questions today.

I get to run my favourite program in about 6 weeks... awww... it's so lovely. BUT does add to the workload somewhat.

Nice trade off tho lol.

Love EM

[Croix]

Dear EM~

You have an exceptional sphere of love and care with which you encompass so many. It is so strong it almost glows.

Going with that sadly there is always loss, then a feeling of helplessness, not through lack of willing, but even with experience the road map is not there as ever time is different, different people, different needs -or so I've found.

Just your presence in the same world as your friend will have a comforting effect, just be you.

Croix

[Guest_4643]

i know EM, and i'm sorry for your loss. it's just nice to be acknowledged, by you and others in the thread. i didn't mean to sound selfish. it's just upsetting not getting noticed.

i'll leave you be, i'll be around.

[blondguy]

Hi EM

The loss of your close friends daughter would be no different to your own family EM

Bear hugs (if thats okay)

Paul

[ecomama]

Dear Croix

Thankyou. Yes I think so too.

Thankyou for reminding me of this, I really needed something to "hold on to" this morning.

Strangely enough my friend who's unwell said to me, starting when we were teenagers for the next decade, how "lucky" I was to have such a HUGE family.
THEN she saw the grief from one cousin being suicidal and the rest...
she didn't have a large connected family.

Over time I guess we chose each other to BE that family and so it went on with others too.

Like I found my tribe kind of thing.

Seriously Croix IDK this morning. My last day of work today and I'm grateful to be on leave BUT I'm somewhat afraid of having far too much time to think tbh.

I've been trying to deny my own grief of all these varied losses in different spaces.

It's become overwhelming now, so I need to speak to a Counsellor very soon about it all.
Hopefully get somewhere towards closure or something?
IDK.

The Program I'm running soon is for children dealing with trauma and grief.

I just feel SAD.

Thankyou
Love EM

[ecomama]

Hey Tay

I was a little shocked you said that to me.

My own children have been kind and know this is an extremely difficult time.

I'm sorry you felt hurt nonetheless.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Thankyou Paul

Ofcourse I'll take your hugs!!

Grief is a lonely road and I'm walking too many roads of grief simultaneously atm.

Other people's grief impacting my own.

Its hard atm.

Thankyou for your hugs and understanding.

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

You definitely have a lot to unpack, there. Your friends grieving here and now, you also grieving the same losses and being touched by old losses - you are also surrounded by others who have been through a lot too, and old feelings are being pulled up by what's going on now. It's understandable you're feeling overwhelmed.

It's interesting, what you said about grieving the family/marriage that you thought you had. That's an important realisation. You have so much to talk to your counsellor about, hopefully that conversation is happening soon.

I know I'm not following the conversation to my usual standard, but always here for you, taking it in slowly. My usual verbosity failing me, I'll step out of my comfort zone and offer a hug. How's that for progress? 😉

Blue.

PS Sorry Tayla, a lot going on with me too, I'm not at all able to keep track of all these posts right now like I normally do. A reason, not an excuse. I see you.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue

The hug is VERY much appreciated lol and well noted too lol. Thankyou. I needed it.

I know you're exhausted with so much going on with LM (Please give him and puffballs an extra hug lol)... banks etc.
I appreciate you popping in to offer a kind ear and supportive shoulder!

Yeah "D Day" was my a massive shattering experience. The first absolutely definite end to the revolting marriage. Then I spent years researching, talking to psychs and Counsellors about the personality disorders of demon that made it possible for it to mislead everyone...

so my Counsellor knows. (I was going thru Courts at the same time).
What surprised me in the machinations of preparing the family dinner was that I thought THAT.... "there's one person missing", out of nowhere.

Then Alexa shared her journey of grieving more now than she allowed herself before... she asked me lots of questions about "IF I grieved and how long did it last"... well an hour ago I thought that (above) and she said "wow".

Blues you know me lol, I wouldn't even knowingly marry a gambler let alone the dark criminal demon was / is. I found out that it had a gambling addiction as well as so much other evil stuff.

I would NEVER have ANY contact whatsoever with demon. (That's why I was so surprised at that left field thought).

My Counsellor brought my appt forward just on the fact I called her office. I didn't leave any details about why. Our appt is Tuesday. I'm really grateful for them all there.

I've got alot hanging over my head atm... from alot of paperwork to getting someone to fix my roof, then the ceiling. And the kids being on holidays... they're mainly working stacks. To the one even bigger... not knowing when and IF I can travel to Qld to be with my friend.
Thank goodness she has family and extended family up there all ready.
They're in lock down now, so it's a bizarre time.

I'll leave it there in reply and update later.

Thankyou, take care.
Love EM