new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_4643]

Hi EM, J, Blue and others.

I hope you're all doing ok and had a good Easter. Hugs to all if anyone wants one/if that's ok.

[ecomama]

Hey Tay

HAPPY EASTER TO YOU TOO!

Yes it was a lovely Easter time. I hope the Easter Bunny came to you?

I'll have some hugs YES!
Hugs right back at ya, lovely girl.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: Putting "first things first"

Just waiting till the time I can call 2 Roofing firms today to book in quotes asap... it just started raining, so not happy about that!

The essential work is fixing the roof, probably cracked tiles I'm surmising, plus other repairs.
I've got a few "extras" like a whirly bird to replace the skylight, installation of gutter guard etc.
Hope quotes come in UNDER the finances I have!

The cosmetic repairs are to the ceiling and can wait.

I'm VERY happy with myself that I put extra money against the mortgage.
I intend to cancel my mortgage payments this week, and possibly next fortnight, to be able to pay for the repairs. The mortgage can be paid via the monies I paid ahead of time.
Not sure if my savings alone will cover the repair costs.
Both firms need to be paid via cash or electronic cash transfer...

so I've been using my credit card for all other costs for kids.

I'm out alot with the kids today, ice skating, banking I hope... other stuff.
Counselling tonight.

I need to seek and FIND any roof tiles in the garage pretty soon, for the roofers to use.

AND finish cleaning the laundry. It will do for now, but still needs alot of cleaning!!!

On a funny note... 2 false nails have been "sacrificed" lol... I can assume more losses to come with all this work.

We've had to postpone the changing of beds around due to p.son having so many allergies to dust or fur or whatever. He's going back South on Friday... we need to do all that after he leaves.

Plus I've been chipping away at my Tax Returns - LOTS of work there... majority needs to be done in the next 10 days.

Better get on.

Hope everyone has a great day!

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Whew!

As usual, I hear you doing the work of three people Ecomama!

Hope you get thru your day with lots of laughs- I like my chances! You're a person who knows how to laugh Em.

I like the sound of the iceskating!

Today I'm finalising some work paperwork, after taking our dog to the vet. Poor thing got a hot spot- a quick spreading sore, on his head, over the long weekend. Glad I've got a bit of a breather before work starts properly to attend to things. I should have my own roster next week tho, and an idea of what sort of hours I'll be expected to do.

Thats a good idea to use the mortgage payments to pay for repairs-good thinking!

Seek and you shall find! Even roof tiles!

I'm kinda surprised the nails lasted so long tbh. I am constantly surprised by you Em 😉 xxx

Love,

J*

[ecomama]

Aha Yes! lol I can't believe the nails lasted so long EITHER hahaha... they are sadly departing one by one now... might get them redone on Friday, just the horrendous decision making process about WHAT COLOUR!

Just joking.

How you doin'?

omg I'm so addicted to these YouTube channels that catch predators in the U.S. I'm SO jealous that many things they use to solve crimes are way more progressive than here!

They do Familial DNA testing there now... I Googled it here and they've started in baby steps for missing ppl, which I'm SO grateful for ofcourse, BUT announced that they would NEVER use it to solve ANY serious crimes!
WHY? I can answer that... our entire system would collapse.

I had Counselling last night.. I used a technique last Tuesday & last week that I hadn't done so thoroughly before... to "regulate" myself.

Apparently we "use" MH professionals, even family, friends, possibly forums like these, to "co-regulate" ourselves when we're feeling stressed, distressed or suffering from MHIs, basically to REGULATE ourselves.

So last Tues, when I heard that shocking news & I was inconsolable... I came home and imagined what my Counsellor would say to me... a bit like WWJD lol but "What Would Sami Say?" ... Sami is NOT her real name. Then also what would the Head Psych say to me...
I had one answer at a time and employed them.
I felt 'better' pretty quickly.

My Counsellor laughed her head off about me comparing her to Jesus lol, we joked about it.
She said I was doing well, but we're having another appt next week.

One roofing firm phoned back yesterday. He sounded rather "unprofessional" - maybe a bit haphazard... he's coming to quote on Friday.
Hopefully the other one will call back today.

I ended a call early with BF yesterday. Seriously?
woah boy he gets into this "zone" of 'mansplaining' and talking to me like I'm a 2 or 3yo lol and I'm feeling the pressure building inside my chest & it seems NO MATTER what I say... in a joking fashion like "I'm NOT 2yo... stop speaking to me like that... I don't need you to MAINSPLAIN this to me.. I wasn't born YESTERDAY"

He kept going!
I said I'm getting off the phone, I don't need to waste my time arguing with my BF. Bye!
I recovered pretty quickly. Getting a bit riled up now but wow... sick of this.

Another big day today... woke early, got this party started!
Love EM

[monkey_magic]

Hi Em, ( and all )

I've been catching up on your thread reading back on quite a lot of posts.

You've certainly got lots going on and it's great you've been supported through by your councillor, BB etc etc...

Yes, those rains were quite something. Wishing you the best of luck hiring the right person for the roof job 😉

You are such a great friend feeling things deeply while also being strong for others in your life because they need you. They couldn't ask for more in my opinion. The fact you feel " life" with your friends speaks volumes. You are in touch with humanity and yourself on many levels. 💕
Best of luck working through everything...it's an ongoing journey hey....have lots of reprieve too.

Ice skating is so much fun...and a great physical outlet. Hope you really enjoyed it.

Good luck with what you're working on at work, it sounds like such a wonderful and important project.

And I hope you get lots of money back from the tax man, you deserve it!

💸🤍💕

[ecomama]

Hey monkey girl!

I'm SO impressed by all the really positive changes YOU are making in your life... so impressed!

I took a break from my Taxes for the past 2h to pop in here... ah doubt I'll get ANYTHING back at all lol, it will be taken to pay back other stuff... BUT the more thoroughly I can do my Taxes, the better the financial situation will be. I ALWAYS do them to the nth degree lol then ALWAYS put my receipts and spreadsheets through a Registered Accountant.
ALL GOOD.

I've been working on something (else lol) in my own way of thinking, that you may relate to...

I see ppl ask "why isn't life easy?" and stuff like that...

I'm trying not to give any negative emotive thinking to alot of things that may have annoyed me previously... I think with the deaths of young ppl I cared about, it's caused a paradigm shift for sure but I wanted to extend the experiences if that makes sense...

SO I made the decision to accept that life WILL throw things at me.
Even the huge, awful things.... but I have been thru all that and like a Phoenix, risen and overcome.
For this I'm grateful.

SO now, even with the things that annoy my kids... eg  my daughter wanted to write to p.son's exGF who has put him in a very challenging situation now... She was angry...

I said Why don't you write her a THANKYOU Letter and not send it...
THANKYOU that p.son isn't tied to that kid of lifestyle and family for much longer and went on...

Alexa LAUGHED.

For the choices we DO have, we have the choice in how we THINK about them and also about the PERSPECTIVES we have on any and all events.

I think by doing this, it frees our minds up to achieve the dreams we have for our lives.

It's a really beautiful space to inhabit being free.

Yep I have a quote on Friday for my roof lol.... I'd Prayed for a Carpenter to "cross my path" to fix the ceilings and I hope the one I saw yesterday is that person.
I need all the ancient ducted air con vents removed and the holes repaired. PLUS the skylight removed and hole patched up. PLUS the bowed ceiling repaired.... maybe some other things Uncle has yet to fix.

seems like I'm rebuilding my ENTIRE HOME lol.... I may be doing JUST that. 😉🥰
Good thing too lol.

Love EM

[Croix]

Dear EM

Your talk of the letter and laughter reminds me of an episode from a very long time ago which I wrote about here on the Forum in the first 3 paragraphs in this post:-

https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/seeking-support/helping-yourself-and-others/online-forums/permalink/qlj0KnHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

They tell the tale, (we were both from the same area in the police and ended up on the same ward).

The remainder of that post is irrelevant.

If you don't mind me saying so your handling of the situation shows wisdom

Croix

[ecomama]

Thankyou Croix, a humbling compliment from a formidable man.
I appreciate it very much.

I read that post... nice one!

I guess some times it's best to listen, other times give out a radically different life buoy lol... anger is so necessary at injustice... esp if it kicks us into positive action of some type.... then after burning fury blazes away we can hopefully realise that it's ONLY harming us!

when our anger is ONLY harming us, methinks it ain't beneficial any more.

Do you know sometimes I'm SO grateful that I read so much about survivors of the Holocaust when I was a child.
I have memories of their stories... they're SO amazing.
Decades later I became friends with 3 wonderful ladies, all from different families, whose parents survived / escaped the concentration camps... very different outcomes of their lives afterwards.

I'm in awe of all of them.
Stories like these have become kind of "role models" for me.

I think there's much to research about pushing for survival and thriving...

Just my random thoughts late at night lol.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: perseverance and resilience REALLY pays off!

It's funny that sometimes I remember what wise people have said to me... or just remembering feedback from MH profs (gosh I've seen so many over the years)..

Sami (my Counsellor - not her real name)... said to me in our last appt that resilience & perseverance are the underpinning characteristics of why our family is recovering well. She's mentioned this many times before.

Wow it really DOES pay off.

P.son has been here all week and had "time" without being shoved around all the time as he is down South... he's slept well. Had HUGE meals - he was skeletal when he arrived 2 weekends ago and hugging him was shocking, feeling his bones so prominently. He was basically only drinking milk drinks and apples.

I feed him HUGE meat meals and lots of everything.
We watched him "learning to chew food" again... this was majorly scary for all of us...

So I've spoken gently with him about this.
Basically he said he didn't care about work shifts down South as much as coming back to see us and BE home. (He moves back home 100% after his HSC exams).
I pack LOTS of food for him to go back with. Any food he buys & stores in his room, the other kids go in there and take it to eat and even feed the dog that visits.

He was worried about money but had some savings... with "time" here he chased up on some Centrelink texts.
YAY he got "a real mover and shaker" - what I call ppl who ACTUALLY help you to completion which is RARE...
This person kept phoning p.son back personally, asking more questions etc...

Apparently he found an error in their processing of p.son's paperwork... PERFECT timing! Now the Southern household have NO rights to know about p.son's financials. BEFORE he may have told them!

P.son disclosed more to Alexa & myself last night, saying he hasn't got access to a laptop to do his studies at the house - the family are manipulative saying he can have this or that UNTIL he brings HIS car down for them to use (son is on his Ls and can't drive it). He refuses to take his car down there. I said to tell them that I need it.

P.son needs a laptop.
Centrelink are correcting their error & paying him almost $2k today!
After the chiro for us all today, we're taking p.son to buy his laptop!

He goes back South tonight sadly.
He has work shifts & a week of study next week.

We all miss him dreadfully when he goes.
Hopefully he stays safe, there'll be alot of recovery for him to do when he moves home.

Love EM