new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Really glad you're in a better place, today. You've done fantastic work to get yourself there, with a little nudge in the right direction from your counsellor and Mr Paul (I chuckled at your comment about me having a conniption at all those inspirational quotes - I'll leave them alone, but I'm glad they work for you).

Now, to your last post to me:

Haha, I think we can inspire each other to minimise. I've been in the game a long time, some fresh energy is always welcome. Hopefully you will be able to get rid of the stuff for charity before too much longer.

You definitely have helped me, EM. I'm big on research and looking for my own solutions, but sometimes even I get a bit stuck - you introduced a different perspective and some new concepts to look into that I either didn't know about or didn't think applied to me. Apparently researcher's block is a thing, not just writer's block!

The anger I referred to in my thread, for me is (I think) healthy anger. Parent's didn't display it that often, just enough for me to know it was a thing. It's given me strength to fight back against abusers, and energy to push forward when I have needed change. I do have a speedball (like a mini punching bag) in my office for cranky moments without a good outlet. Or I scream along with very emo/metal music in the car. Your kids sound sweet about it. Glad you're trying to help "too nice" son with boundaries.

Yes, we've had very different experiences with emotions in our upbringings. No extreme is good. Glad you are able to talk things through in your household. I am thankfully able to do that in mine now, too. Have done my share of "angry cleaning", haha (usually quite literally because I'm mad about the mess).

As for dealing with the root cause of anger, I am fortunate enough to typically be pretty clear on why I am angry. I can usually do something about the cause, however obliquely. Once the initial explosiveness is gone (I do have moments of Hulking out and yelling "Blue SMASH!"), then I usually turn my energy to either fixing the problem or researching ways of doing so. Who'd have thought "angry researching" was a thing? 😉

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey golden!

I'm not so sure you'll be happy you found my thread lol!

Well there's alot about the therapies I had last year; Counsellor ongoing, trauma psych useful for 3 sessions, then 2 duds, but also the integrated things I learnt with Sleepy being a SPRINGBOARD into that direction.... MH research relating to "us" ie those of us with C-PTSD.

Also rediscovering Dr Joe Dispenza who got me through the rolling horrible triggers.
His voice helped me sleep.

There's stuff about being NC with family sadly, but necessarily.

OH YEAH my PJ day was on Friday omg a PJ day is the best lol.
Then felt worse yesterday ugh.. then Mr Paul made a comment that positively triggered what my C said.
So I did it.

I can still feel the depression in my arms.... funny that it's the first place I feel it come on, I just noticed it's the last place I feel it now it's leaving.
BE gone depressive garbage. That's a magic spell lol.

But I feel so much lighter having only about 10% left.

My Counsellor's intuition and timing is brilliant. She scheduled another session first thing tomorrow morning.
I know she'll want an update on things with Alexa.... tbh I'm sick of drama full stop so I haven't responded to her last text or even read it.

I needed time and space this past week.

And lots of uninterrupted focus on our changing rooms.
I think it's going well.
Getting rid of things I've held on to for so long but don't bring me joy, in fact some things have a yuck energy to them.

I've tried to be as honest and transparent as I can about the journey of trying earnestly to recover from C-PTSD.
I had depression for about 10y after the police incident that meant I had to go NC with my mother (and then my entire family fell off the face of the earth too). I was able to all but recover from that many years ago... but it waits in the wings to pounce!

I have to monitor things for myself so that it doesn't totally consume me again.

Anyway SO happy you found "me".

Off to try to put this dang bed together. Thankyou for your support and your well wishes.
I wish the very same to you too ofcourse dear golden.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Lol "angry researching" good ole Blue.

Yes I've most definitely pushed back against the abusers.
Now I think I've suppressed anger, confusion & frustration and it came out as depression last week.

I DO have to watch that.

I've found a minimalism process that works for me.... see something or hold it in my hands, if it sparks JOY I keep it. If it doesn't and it's not USEFUL then it's GONESKIS. lol.

If it creates a neutral response then it's gone too.
It's taken me a long time to fine tune it for myself.

I think last year I gave away well over 30 garbage bags of stuff, the year before double that.

That's NOT including the actual garbage that was left here by demon.

I'm pleased that I've been able to use double the amount of Council pick up meterage each year for ages now.
Alot was destruction, alot was demon just bringing back garbage even after we got it out.
SOME was the kid's stuff and I'm BIG into passing on as you know.

THAT was most of my frustration last week, being left to have to cope with all of that all on my own.

This year will be my biggest "home" year yet since the whole shabang started 7y ago, with home renos ongoing, heavy work in the garden ongoing and delightfully (but slowly) creating the home that was here all along.

And returning to FT work.
Myself, the kids and my work are the priorities though.
I'll take sporadic leave throughout the year (having long service and other leave types).

Making self-care part of my routine will be tricky but very necessary.

Off to battle with Yvette's bed that's causing us issues!

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: MH progress for Yvette & family stuff.

We conquered the bed lol. What a palaver, so many pieces to it with two big drawers underneath and a bookcase bed head attached.

All done and thank goodness for that!

Yvette kicks alot in her sleep - that was huge motivation to get it put together tonight. If we didn't then she would've slept in my bed as there were pieces all over her room and no room for her mattress.

Just as we'd finished putting it together... she got another friend request from a popular person from work, so she's a happy girl tonight lol.

Today she told me about her decisions for her education this year.
She DOES plan to go back to school just for this year and see if she can attend TAFE after that.
I said Great! and was very positive.

Education is NOT my priority for her atm at all... keeping her steady, receiving any MH support she needs and the best news is that she's stopped SH. Can't quite believe it but she has, I can see all things healed or healing.

She LOVES loves loves working lol... she's such a beautiful child.

She also wants to return to dancing because she loves it so much.

Now she has THREE rainbow flags in her room (still no mention to me, just a few hints here and there) she knows how I feel about "coming out". If heterosexuals don't have to then why should anyone else have to. IMHO no one should have to.
But each to their own.

BIG party at our house last night with 8 sleeping over lol. A boy who was banned from coming here by his parents, not me, came over... I guess his parents finally accepted my Code of Conduct LOL! Yvette joined in for a while, hence our working till so late.

Looking forward to finalising son's car disposal stuff tomorrow. Drafting my application for Leniency the police man outlined for me about the 2 fines. Making lots of appts and doing a bit of driving for the kids.

I hope my car maintenance worked wonders lol... there's always our mechanic.

Booking my car in for new tyres & a rego check after that.

Getting urgent things done before starting back at work will help alot.

Never a dull moment.

EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: Counselling in the post heavy depression stage.

Had C first up this morning, it takes me a while to assimilate what C says to me in sessions, I need a while longer... TBC.

The "highlights" or positives she noted and the following one very excitedly lol... was the news that Yvette has stopped SHing.
It's like we've been given the whole world back bec she has.
I know that it may slip back in, I understand that.

But the material point is that she HAS overcome for it now and can do again should she slip back.
That's the material point for me re:my own MH, also. "I know how to 'do' this".

The most fascinating thing that came out today that my C was "wondering when I'd say it" (lol so she KNEW this exact problem was a problem of mine but 'led' me to this area)...

was after lots of too-ing and fro-ing about it, my fear of all relationships... getting too close for fear of being hurt. Enmeshment plays a huge part in this. So I keep my distance now.
I've not LET others in IRL.

I already believed in what Brene Brown said then I heard her say it...(sic) you can't trust anyone 100%. She expands on this but for me this is the ONLY way to move forward.

I trust SOME people somewhat but no one 100%. Nor should I, nor will I lol!

But as I read a long time ago "when you're given a beautiful thing, imagine it smashed into pieces, then you'll be less disappointed when it is".
The impermanence of life.

SO our conclusion was after LOTS of DEEP stuff was that I already DO have the most magnificent relationships. Some spanning over 50y, wow that's really something.

We "show up" for each other... not all the time, but really when it counts. During our most difficult periods in life when most are running for the hills lol... those others just occupy the "cheap seats" and are NOT in the arena with us when we're covered in blood, sweat and tears.
My peeps are AUTHENTIC. No bs. Straight down the line lol.

I don't need MORE friends. Being okay knowing I can't trust anyone 100% and enjoying my current friends more. Making more contact, being okay with life with them.

I'm fine to make another new friend here and there but the series of "sieves" I call them (or hoops to jump through) to ensure I'm not rushing in to something stupid (again) will be up there thick and strong.

In DV lingo "the shark cage" - mine is the opposite... I'm free but have sieves.

EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Hey Blue and everyone

My old wardrobe is about 70% emptied!

I'm finding it so much easier to decide what clothing to keep and what to give away.

Seeing my clothes hanging in my new room and KNOWING I really like them is so nice lol.

SO much stuff was given to me 2nd hand and I'm SO HAPPY to be giving so much away!
P. son is going to take lots to the other family (around 15 ppl). They LOVE hand me downs.
He's bringing an empty suitcase on the weekend lol. (I'll have to pack his car to the brim too but I haven't told him that yet lol).

I've kept a couple of old linen shirts for the garden.

I'm gardening tomorrow morning, Podiatrist in the afternoon, so I'll get through the rest before the weekend.

Yvette and I even spent an hour in the storage area downstairs this afternoon and WOAH BOY DID WE GET STUFF OUT lol.... Yvette kept asking "Are you sure?" I said YES!

So we have stacks more for Council pick up lol.

I wish I had my car back! It fits SO much in it for donation trips.

Anyway today I completed son's car disposal. Total money made back was $505 so he's happy! Made appointment for Podiatrist, we have a Chiro appt & I have dentist this week too... then booked my car in for tyres AND the service / rego check AND got a quote for our 2 louvre window's glass downstairs.
Spent 5h in the car driving kids.
Did car maintenance.
Had Counselling too.

Pizza for dinner and a long hot bath before bed.

I'll sleep well tonight!

Thankyou for ALL your encouragement to minimalise Blue. It's been awesome!

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Hey Em,

Just checking in on you girl and I can see you're doing really well. That's so good to read! Not that it's all clear sailing, but it sounds like you're through a really difficult patch, and the sails have got some wind beneath them, making headway!

I love the sound of the new wardrobe! Thats my goal as well, to look in my wardrobe and only see clothes i love to wear!

Wow 5 hrs in the car driving kids around- that's a lot! Heaps of time for heart to heart chats, or audio books I guess.... I used to bail my eldest up all the time on longer car drives. She couldn't get away! I also had 'the talk' with my youngest in the car- her choice of location lol. Pretty funny cos she was in the back seat, so could just look out the window while she was thinking about my answers to all her questions. Man, she wanted to know it all!

Do your kids like to talk in the car or do they just play with their phones? Do you enjoy all that driving?

Maybe today it gave you time to digest the counselling...

I totally agree about trust. I think we can only trust ppl with certain things. Like we mite trust a friend to be cool with a sponatneous call for help, and we can trust that they'll be honest about whether they can support or no. Or we can trust some friends to be honest about our big bum, and trust that it won't wreck the friendship. But we can't just blindly trust ANYONE with everything- that's unrealistic. Ppl earn our trust, in limited areas. I trust my husband, but there is areas I know that he won't be able to support me, so I don't put us through that ( I come on here instead lol)

SO good to read that Yvette is no longer SHing. What a relief! And you're right, she may slip into it again, but she knows how to not now. My kindest most caring thoughts for you, dealing with that. My experience with my eldest wrung my heart out. And trusting her not to do it after? That was hard, especially after all the hiding. I ended up being pretty up front about my lack of trust and explaining it to her as practically as I could. As I did about some of her other choices.

It sounds like your choice to not have that convo with Alexa just yet may be giving you both time to be in a better place. Thoughts and prayers.

Much love

J*

[ecomama]

Hey J* thankyou for your thoughts and Prayers.

Yes my kids have used the entrapment of the car to ask ME all the hardest questions on earth lol.
Since my eldest was little.

Didn't enjoy the car trips today, nup lol. P.son's car has no air con, it was HOT and we have holiday makers EVERYWHERE making wrong turns, driving pretty badly, crazy traffic etc etc. It takes a lot more concentration during the holiday periods here. No CD player lol. It's running okay now so that's the best I can hope for atm.

Lots more sirens. Hmm. We survived.

Yeah I'll have to contact Alexa tomorrow probably, via text. She's a classic "rug-sweeper" with many things. Probably best if that happens again this time.

Yvette is doing so well. Working lots. Even spent time with some friends and the school friend group has been VERY problematic... she handled the ongoing yuck about that well on the weekend. She has her WORK friends to help buoy her and fill that void.
Soon she'll be back at dancing so that's good for her.

It takes me days, sometimes weeks and months for my Counselling sessions to sink in. I try to make the new learning CONNECT to some types of prior learning, sometimes I can't for a long time. Then an AHA then ask C about it again.

C scheduled weekly sessions for a month now.

J* I don't have a new wardrobe lol... just a vastly minimised one! In fact there are only broken wardrobes in my new room and I found some wire shelving downstairs to use in there too.
My portable double hanging rack only holds so much so I've put what I intend to wear to work for the next few months hanging on there. This will help reduce stress choosing outfits for work.
I've moved from a room with triple built ins to a room with broken wardrobes so I had to buy the portable rack thingy.

I said to BF today "everything in my house is in transition" not a state of flux, but definitely a state of transition.
I have a short time to get my room to a manageable stage before work starts.
It can stay that way for months and probably will.
But if I get a chance to make a positive change then I will. Most likely I won't at all. Some pretty pressing things to do in other places of my property that will take priority if I find the time.

Otherwise I'll have plenty on my plate with work, the kids, pets and basic housework.

Heading to bed!
Big heavy pruning day in the garden tomorrow.

Talk soon
Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

I guess it could only be me "angry researching", haha.

I completely agree that suppressed anger/frustration is probably the main feature of depression. It does nasty things to a person. Identifying and resolving the source of anger is so important.

Fantastic work with the minimising. I completely understand how you feel about being left with so much work, it took years to untangle the godawful mess my ex left, too. Plenty of anger there, I can tell you. It's so unhealthy on so many levels, and we got stuck with it. But those people are gone from our lives, along with their rubbish, we can do better.

Glad you got Yvette's bed sorted. Never mind the rest - work, education, healing. She's on a journey now, and it sounds like she could go to good places. Sure there may be times of backsliding, but as you said - she knows now she can do it, and she can build on that success.

Great conclusions about your relationships - you've pulled out the weeds, and the things you want there can now grow. I agree complete trust probably isn't a good idea, but care with a cynical eye for self preservation still works pretty well. It's a tricky balance, but just about being aware of red flags and things that don't add up.

Sounds like it's been busy and will continue to be so for you, juggling all this stuff you want to give away with so few vehicles to go around. Great work getting that money back on one car though. You've got this, EM.

Love that you're so happy with your pared back wardrobe, that's the sort of thing that makes me so keen about minimising. I hope your journey in turn inspires others, it's so worthwhile. 🙂

I may have had some bubbly wine, and now I'm losing focus a bit, so I'll leave it there. Kind thoughts to you, hope your counselling "aha" moment comes soon, and that podiatrist is helpful.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Bubbly Blue lol and waving to everyone else. WAVES!

YES! The Podiatrist was INCREDIBLY helpful! omg what a legend lol. Didn't like his conversation so I steered it away... yuck.

Anyway not to throw the baby out with the bathwater... SO MANY answers re: my foot problems omg and all relating back to my Polynesian heritage believe it or not! omg.

First thing he said was "Were you an athlete when you were younger or still?" hmm he was a Podiatrist to Athletes in Canberra for a while.
Yes guess I was.

I have very muscular legs, my bones aren't coping with them .... great. Not.
Weird story too boring.

YES! Loving the minimising but don't scream lol... (you can scream if I KEEP this much clothing)... I have 4 more garbage bags of clothes to sort. I just SHOVED them in bags to get them out of the triple wardrobe for Yvette.

SHE's having one whole shelf for her Yoga stuff! LOL! Another for her school books. She grows so fast that she doesn't accumulate clothes like I have, being around the same size for c40y lol.

And one son is SO KEEN to get my bedroom suite. He's helping his friend move house this week and that'll require a PAY BACK he said. We'll do THAT swap in March / April... not now.
I need to sort and settle, handle work for a few months, then re-start.

I also need to begin removing trees and shrubs and oh everything from against my side fence in a STAGGERED manner over time (to prevent erosion) in preparation for the Bungalow's path. Building won't start for ages but preparing effectively is alot of the work.

Council pick up soon to rid all the broken furniture and old mattresses. Round 25 lol.
I can throw lots of any other garbage I get together but I'm doing really well filling all the neighbour's bins on bin night so far.

The kids have regular parties so we have lots of return and earn bottles and cans but we have a large family anyway so there's always lots of garbage even though we recycle, compost, worm farm, pass on to others!

Crikeys! I have to move the bath worm farm away from the fence too.... oh dear. Lol the things that revenge make us do! You see all this IS sparked by a determination to LIVE my best life and to do that I need to get rid of the traces of demon and am just richer in all ways by not having that leech lol.

Love EM