new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Thanks Mr Paul, a little more than I cope with atm but thankyou for the intention.

I bet Blue would have a conniption at those! lol.

I do like sayings to help me. Thankyou for a plethora of them from a wise man to choose from.
Mark Twain's pretty wise too lol.

EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Back to polishing furniture and listening to some Red Hot Chilli Peppers lol.

[Guest_1643]

Good choice EM

how's the home looking atm? sounds beautifully spruced up

hope ur feeling okay and i can understand those days of feeling so tired...

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy, ummm the house is "getting there" lol.
We are DEFINITELY getting rid of stacks which is such a good feeling.

Heavy week, but I'm beyond the furniture triggers for now, we'll see how thoroughly my Exposure Therapy was soon!

Feels good atm.

What a difference a day makes.
After Mr Paul's post I remembered what my Counsellor said to me this week... something like....you've made huge MH GAINS, you've been there and can get there again, just do all the things you know that help you.... kind of stuff.

But I forgot this till today. Mr Paul positively triggered that.

I did ET this week.
I allowed myself to cry when I needed to.
I dealt with lots of difficult things ie disposal of son's car etc.
I avoided things that we too confronting whilst I was extra sensitive ie family conflict.
I ate well and slept as long as I needed to most times.
I enveloped myself in nature.

I woke up in the worst depression in ages - like years - this morning.

Then woke up to what my C said.

YES I HAVE gained so much and no sucker will take those gains away lol.

I reflected on the WORK I've done this week for my own MH. SO MUCH!!

Tonight I DID visit my friend T and we solved the world's problems lol! (If only!)

The depression is 90% gone tonight. Even though I opened up those 2 huge fines tonight too!
No worries lol, I'll request leniency and see how I go. 🤞

Our home looks nicer tonight than it did this morning. 🥰

Thanks Sleepy, how are you travelling?

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: beating this depression

Only had 4h sleep this morning but I still feel like the depression has lifted significantly.

There was a KEY to it yesterday... I think it was the straw that broke the depression's back.

Years ago I read that depression was suppressed anger.
I remember thinking about each thing I was angry about and REALLY got the anger OUT by working hard in the garden!
I also spoke my peace with ppl who were unreasonably demanding etc.

I wrote in my journal to the ppl I was NC with or those who were dead.

Plenty to write about! Bad parents gives one lots to write about.
I've done that now.
That's done.

But I also visualised HOW I wanted to be in the world.
Soon after this I returned to my career (against massive opposition as per DV).

I'm doing this again soon - returning to FT work.

Part of my recovery is working.
I NEED that "rational" part of my life happening regularly.
Work grounds me.

Last week I was able to recognise the extra layers of trauma that added to the PTSD.
I was KINDER to myself regarding all that.

Now the kindest path forward for myself, my children and my entire life is REALLY DO the things that I WANT to do.
Sure I have responsibilities and when I break them down, I really want them too.

And wouldn't you know it, the sun is shining SO BRIGHTLY this morning! LOL!
It's going to be a FUN day in my own garden.

Love EM

[Guest909]

Hi EM

I think the weather plays a part in how we feel. I know when I am sick with a cold, the symptoms get worse overnight. Perhaps the bight sunshine is lifting your spirits.

Here is another quote from the novelist Harper Lee, author of "To Kill a Mockingbird". I hope it does not trigger a negative response.

“You can choose your friends but you sho' can't choose your family, an' they're still kin to you no matter whether you acknowledge 'em or not, and it makes you look right silly when you don't.”

"Acknowledgement" is one thing; acceptance is another; there is a difference. You don't have to accept them to acknowledge them, and vice versa.

Good to see you getting back into the captain's chair.

Paul

[monkey_magic]

Bathe in that beautiful sunshine Em, for then you will have an even healthier glow!

A swim in the ocean would be beneficial right about now.

But I'm not sure if your schedule or means of getting there would allow this.

I love beaches that have a rockpool you can swim laps in. Wobbly legs afterwards and some nice exhaustion after doing the laps.

The sun can really get you though. Those rays are ultra powerful.

Hope you feel better after your time being a green thumb today.

🌱🌴🌿🌅🏖️🌊

[ecomama]

Thankyou Mr Paul, absolutely no negative responses lol. No.

All good.

Feeling like I've had a "cleanse" of the psychological kind which is fantastic.

I really enjoyed the rain and cooler weather tbh, it matched my mood last week! LOL!

But being out there with my sunhat and sunnies on was good for the soul today.
And not too much interference from the chickens or Papa Brush Turkey either - maybe they sensed a "don't mess with me" energy lol!

I mostly cleaned the paths from all the mud etc.
Found my Buddha statue and fixed him up since the lovely plants around him GREW double in size with the great rainfall.

And our water tanks are full which is always a boon.

Yep, totally agree with you and that quote.

I absolutely acknowledge who I'm related to. But the ones I'm NC with are ..... none of my business lol.
It kind of hurt my feelings when Alexa said to me last week, "YOUR family are SO freaking DYSFUNCTIONAL".... I said all families have dysfunction, ours just has a lot lol, hence I'm NC with mother.

It's HER family too.
I dared not say that though.

She was blame shifting, projecting... all the stuff ppl do when they decide to abuse or are mixed up.

As my C said last week, Alexa's mental health is HER responsibility.
That's SO hard to hear when you feel you've contributed to the issues by NOT recognising the abusers sooner and ridding us of them. Add the enmeshment too.

It's true though, so that's the rub.

EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Hey monkey!

Lol I had a RED glow lol! Worked so hard today. But really really enjoyed it.

I love the feeling of going to bed with an aching body from hard work lol!!
Hope to juice more tonight!!

Yep nope lol, my goal of getting to the beach once a week flew out the window when all the cars broke down.
Now p.son's car - the ONLY one here atm... seems a little ummm unhappy lol.

BF tutored me through what to do for it.
I wanted to take it to our mechanic asap and still may do that, I'll try the stuff BF said to do first.

Just waiting for it to cool down now so I can check the oil. Add more coolant to the radiator water.

I DON'T CARE lol.

We got to the pools ONCE, Alexa picked us up in my car to get there. That was lots of fun.

It's okay because changing the rooms has really helped Yvette's MH, she acknowledged that today after work. We're not finished yet, but she slept in there on her mattress last night and felt REALLY good this morning.

Last night she said she was "scared" of being in that room.
They're triggers, I know why. She actually asked if the ghosts were gone. I said ofcourse they are, they're TOO scared of me!

I told her she didn't have to sleep in there - then she did lol.
SLEPT like a log. Even tho we only got 4h sleep!

The ACOUSTICS for playing her musical instruments and singing are AMAZING lol.
This new room is MASSIVE with little furniture lol.
One way of clearing out the "bad energy" is with an Angelic voice. 😉😀

I have a VERY busy day tomorrow. Almost scheduled to the minute lol! And more being packed on as we speak.

Back to p.son's car!

Love EM

[golden82]

Hi EM! 🙂

Wow.. I did not know you had a thread. And it is one mammoth thread at that. I had seen the title new person before, but never 'twigged' - computers, technology, social media and forums - well any of this sort of stuff really clearly not my strong point lol. I will aim to look over it a bit as I can. But for now, I have just seen the latest posts from today/yesterday and your distress. And the lovely ppl supporting you here.

EM - you are amazing. You give so much to EVERYONE on the BB forums. And we all share and learn from each other which is great. But if you got 4hrs sleep last night/this morning (me too!! 3.45-7.45am aghh!!) - this will be making your thinking and all that stuff harder. And harder to make good choices for yourself. And the more you try to push on through to catch-up, the more frazzled you get. I just think pause and take the evening for you - refill your own cup. Especially with not a spare minute tomorrow. Please put yourself first tonight EM. You have all of our support. And I saw on your self-care from yesterday, got out of pjs and dressed - well maybe self-care for you dear EM should be stay in those pjs and rest. Take care of yourself xo