new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Oh Sleepy

I read your last post and tbh it's sickening. All those things that ppl think wouldn't matter like they have a pet you didn't know about. IDK it's all yuck. Btw my mother did things like that with pets but in a maniacal way. She should've been charged.
Alexa took mother's last pet bec my brother told me what she'd done and I was going to report her.

Anyway you may see why I had darling chicken in bed with me when she was sick!
Btw she's still doing okay. Loves her shower recess home! Chirps hello in the day time.
Clucks like "WTH are you doing turning the LIGHT on at midnight!" in the evening lol!

I have LOTS of bossy girls in my family lol.

I LOVE that you got an IKEA style piece from Gumtree! WOOHOO!
So sweet!
How nice those men helped you bring it in awww.

Yvette got 2 free pieces off Gumtree for her new room a few months ago and Uncle picked them up in his trailer with us, GREAT TIMING lol. She's going "black and white with spots of red" in her room. She got a ladder thingy that are shelves, NICE! And a boxy kind of 6 section bookcase maybe? They're both black.
She wants to paint an old piece of Parker timber furniture that's in storage downstairs and I said GO FOR IT lol. If my kids want to UPCYCLE something then that's awesome.
That will be her TV stand.

Sleepy, what you said means alot to me, just like you do.
Years ago I was crying on my balcony and Praying asking WHAT WAS ALL THIS FOR???
I meant the pain of loss, humiliation (of living in poverty due to demon) and everything.

Then as I was driving to Centrelink after that, I felt a resounding "SO YOU WILL UNDERSTAND MORE PEOPLE and know what it's like for them!"
Lordy be if I sure do for so much. God was right.

So as I say to my kids "What do we do when life gives us shyte?" the answer is "turn it into fertiliser" - make this shyte INTO something. Grind and force and extract the power out of ALL of this.

We feel so low and vulnerable and powerless at times.
What you've had to fight for Sleepy shows JUST how powerful you are!

We may have to white knuckle it at times.
But you CAN and WILL do this.

YOU asked for help today!!
And you got it!
Yay! lol.

Onwards and upwards. You're a Champion.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Hey Blue

You're not supposed to be inspired by ME to minimalise!
I'm inspired by YOU! lol.

It's going to be GREAT. I have SO much to give away and with the covid shut downs here that's not good for giving stuff away. Even the Dog Shelter here stopped taking old blankets, linen, anything. They're asking for money instead. My friend kept my stuff for them and hopes they'll take it all later.

So many Blue Bins for Op shops have disappeared.
Even our Return and Earn for bottles and cans are closing.

IDK I can't even GIVE it away. First world problems right?

Thanks for saying I've helped you. It means alot! Hugs!

I didn't address the anger stuff you were talking about on other threads.
Not sure how to tbh.
My kids disperse their anger by using the gym downstairs, archery in the back yard lol!
They used to chop down branches etc but being less angry, our trees are WILD now.

They TALK about what they're angry about with me.
I am SO FORTUNATE that they have exceptional relationships with each other and rarely EVER argue with each other. Maybe once a year I hear a faint argument, then a "Oh I didn't know that, I'm sorry" then "Oh that's okay, I should have told you. I'm really sorry too. I didn't want to upset you". Crikeys they're ANGELS.
Broken hearted Son came in late the other night & cried to me bec he felt SO angry about not being "good enough".... the truth is that he's too good. He's so good that ppl walk all over him.
Assertive boundaries necessary, kindly expressed & maintained (he has his mother's genes).
I've been working on this with him since he was a toddler!

Your childhood seemed "devoid" of emotion you said?
Whilst mine was rolling Tsunamis of emotion from my mother & HIGHLY volatile family.
Alot of alcoholism. Not mother. The others.
HIGHLY emotive interactions between mother, her siblings and parents. omg all the freaking time.
Flooded in it. I get hot flushes when I think about it. YUCK.

So here we just talk it through. Do HIGH activity activities. I work hard in the garden.
The DV FB group taught us to do things like that and "Angry cleaning" lol...

But then how do you disperse the root cause for the anger?
SURE I agree that anger is a valid & healthy human emotion.

It's UNchecked anger that boils away for ages and ages that creates the flood of not so healthy hormones in our bodies, creating DISease.
So the root cause needs to be clinically incised and removed lol... or understood.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: depression, enmeshment, triggers, exposure therapy

I had good sleep. Good food yesterday. Felt improved somewhat yesterday.

Today it's all crashing on top of me.
The triggers are in places and things they weren't yesterday.

It's depression.
Even the lawn mower man for next door is annoying me with what he does! He leaves a long strip of about 10 cm against my land. So my lawn looks worse after he's been.
Yesterday I was thinking to ask him to just mow the front of my land for me when he comes for neighbours but today I have resentment towards him.

I can't be bothered really pulling THAT apart! lol how stupid. I know it's my perspective thru a depressive lens. He's just doing a thing to get more business lol but if it hasn't worked in 20y then IDK why he keeps doing it. I think he resents ME! (I'm going to hire my gardener soon to help me).

I woke with huge feelings of guilt.
Feeling the kids missed out without 2 parents contributing to them all their lives.
Blah blah blah. Depression. (I'm going back to FT work soon so it will improve financially but less in person emotional support from me for the kids).

Then the triggers. Sighhh I need to do exposure therapy on them. Having mild panic attacks in the garden as I type. The turkey is even triggering me with it's destruction but I know he's only building a nest for his babies.

Alexa's clothes. I destained them after she cooked for us all and got oil all over them. One thing didn't work. I'll do that today and feel better but she'll feel guilty so it's argh!
I haven't made contact except for a short text after she texted the kids worried about me.
I need to have the convo my C told me to have with her but I can't do that as an opener.
More than anything I want to salvage the r/ship but only with respect if she does too.

Grocery shopping. The supermarkets are into full swing covid mode. All the sign ins, stuff missing from shelves from hoarding. We need pet food so I have to go. If there's no pet food then I have to get food to cook and prep for them so just another job to add, I don't think of things htis way when I'm not depressed.
I just do it.
So with that knowledge I'll just do it.

Pushing through today.

Hope you are all doing well.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: triggers, exposure therapy, boundaries, working to get well.

Triggers are there still, I did ET on some. I'm fearing the convo I need to have with Alexa.

I'm eating well and sleeping whenever I need to. Had a 5h nap while kids were at work. Woke up and felt awful.

BF and I hadn't spoken for a few days (my choice). Before we spoke today I made the decision to end the call if I was triggered. Make it a shorter call.
I was triggered and ended the call. He can't understand even though he thinks he can and does.
That in itself is triggering.
Being told to do THE most ridiculous time wasting thing, like something HE would do, just sent me off... I kept my cool. Said I wouldn't do that, I have too much USEFUL stuff to do. Ended the call.

Glad I ended the call before I started crying. I grounded myself after the call and got back to work for 2 hours. Then had a rest, felt like sleeping, so did for about 5h wow.

I feel sick at the thought of talking with Alexa. Even just a chat. Really deep seated hateful resentful things came out from her to me on the weekend (C said she was projecting but that's not my issue to solve - she needs to seek her own MH support). Alexa MAY want to rug sweep and just chat but maybe not. She may want to go all in for the jugular again. IDK.

All feels so SHUT DOWN and black and white, which is ISN'T when my enmeshment is so strong.

Yet again I will offer for Alexa to choose a psych to be in the room for her to offload, vent, whatever at me. It's like she won't be satisfied UNLESS she can purge.
The things she is purging are confused lies from abusers, with a HINT of the truth.
Hearing this will trigger her worse IME.
I doubt this will satisfy her.
I don't know the way forward with Alexa.

C said I'm not strong enough for this; that I'm getting help & working on my own MH and past issues, Alexa has to do the same. Black and white. No enmeshment. Not sure how this converts to an ongoing relationship?

The last thing I want to do is go NC with my daughter also.

So the car situation is in limbo atm.
2-3 weeks max to sort it.
I have to give Alexa and 1 son a deadline. Just told son, he gets it.
We have to return p.sons car to him by then.

Changing rooms is progressing slowly but surely.
Deadline for basics is by next week and we're on schedule. Yay. lol.

EMxxxx

[monkey_magic]

Hey Em,

Life sounds rather hard and difficult but I also see you getting back up by engaging in self care which is awesome.

Sometimes no contact can be crucial for a relationship to go back to being healthy. Time apart can be healing. I've found that in most of my relationships.

Your councillor ( C ?) sounds like a strong guide for you to have. What she says makes sense. It's really good to have that when it feels as though the wheels are falling off.

My car is out of action too. Waiting for a mobile auto electrician to come. Oh well.

The challenges we face each and everyday make us who we are.

You're doing good!

[ecomama]

Hey monkey

That's a pain your car is out of action, it only feels like last week that you bought it!

I hope all goes well with the repairs.

Yes C is for Counsellor. I just did that it was easier to write lol.

My next appt is 9:30 Monday morning.
We'd been able to scale back to almost monthly but now this time less than a week.

We agreed I call a helpline between if I am drowning in this stuff. She offered for me to speak to her Head Psych but 1800RESPECT has notes on me / us and all but one of their trauma psychs have been beyond incredibly amazing. The one who wasn't so much WAS at 3am so I can hardly blame her! lol.

IDK I wondered whether doing the whole changing rooms wasn't a good idea now but it HAD to be done.
All this clearing out is SO MUCH better for our ongoing management of our MH.

Yvette is so FULL of beans about it and we've been up doing another whitewash coat of her floorboards after she finished work tonight, she's so keen.
Fresh start for her.
Bigger room.
New floors.
New furniture she bought herself. I bought her a new bed last year - first new one ever.

It's good for us and a very welcome and worthy distraction too.

In the long run I think it's helping to ground us and prepare for our time ahead.
GREAT to get rid of garbage and stinky old carpet! lol.

All good.
Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

I've found myself running short of time and energy for the forums the last couple of days, but wanted to stop in and remind you I'm still paying attention in my way, and I haven't forgotten you.

Completely understand the depression, the triggers, the resentment about irritating things happening around me, and that feeling of "Oh great, another job". That's all part of my every day, so I hear you, I get it.

I also see your hard work, trying to combat how you're feeling right now. You're the proactive type, and that is a great strength to have. Hold onto that.

I'll come back to the more specific things you said to me when I'm up to it. In the meantime, just know that you matter.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Thanks for popping in Blue, I do understand how busy people are. No pressure to post on my thread at all. xxxx

Love EM

I need to do a general Update so I can track these depressive waves. EM

[ecomama]

Update: tracking depressive waves

* woke up more depressed this morning. Felt like I needed to sleep all day.

* have to cash son's number plates in this morning (the car's in my name so he can't do it).

* got up and dressed anyway.

* found car wasn't here and boys nowhere to be found. These sons never spend the night out without telling me.

* I got more frustrated that I got ready to go and no car.
I felt so much worse.

* they texted me they'd picked up day shifts and one son is doing manager training.
We're not used to sharing one car.

* ended a call with BF very late for him last night bec I got so frustrated.

* my C was concerned on Tues that I was heading down hill fast, we organised my safety plan.
This in itself shocked me. But she can tell before me, so I'm glad I have her.

* I'd told BF all that & how I was feeling worse than Tues but he still wanted to get into a tangled discussion (that we've had before FAR too many times) about Trump, U.S. politics and covid over there. Add the new president. Like I would care.
It's rubbish I have zero control over.
We ALWAYS argue if he brings up those topics. I thought I'd had "the convo" over never the twain shall meet. No go zone.
He got more highly spirited about it all.

I ended the call.

* Alexa texted last night and I didn't read it, still haven't.
I just want to shut down and go into a cocoon. Rest, be kind, zone out.

* I'm far too sensitive atm and feel I have to put on Armour with all my relationships esp BF and Alexa. If not armour with my kids at home, just a performance.
Armour to go out anywhere.
It's exhausting.

* I realised I'm the opposite to mother; she goes all out never being home for days and weeks on end.
I close down at home where I feel safer.

* I had my day planned out and now probably can't do those things. I wasn't "pumped'" for it, just dressed.

* I think darling chicken is leaving us, she's not eating again so that's sad too.

* I'm so sad & need to cry. C said to cry but only for a short time. IDK how to do that.

update - son came home, I dropped him back to training, went and did half things.
Plates cashed in. Had to come home, too many sirens on the roads. Now to call CTP.
- need to stay in Wellbeing sections, my home and garden and nurse myself.

EMxxxx

[Guest909]

Hi EM

It looks like the demons are out and running amok. Just when you thought you had them under control.

I've been reading through a list Mark Twain aphorisms; I thought some of them might be relevant. He was a smart man.

• “It is wiser to find out than to suppose.”
• “The secret of getting ahead is getting started.”
• “I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”
• “Don’t wait. The time will never be just right.”
• “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did.”
• “Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you would rather have talked.”
• “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”
• “Give every day the chance to become the most beautiful of your life.”
• “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.”
• “Why not go out on a limb? That’s where the fruit is.”
• “Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other.”
• “If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man.”
• “If you think you can, you can. If you think you can’t, you’re right.”
• “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.”
• “I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.”
• “Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you too can become great.”
• “The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.”
• “A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.”
• “Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority it is time to pause and reflect.”
• “Continuous improvement is better than delayed perfection.”

One day at a time!

Paul.