new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Jstar49]

Hi Em,

Awww honey, wrapping you in big soft non-demanding hugs, making you a cup of tea, puting some soft but totally not annoying music on, and getting the cushiest pillows in the WORLD!

Hey, I just re-read what I said- It sounds like you really need to be available for them because of what's happened in the past. I think, given what you've shared, that I ought to have said ....It sounds like you FEEL like you need to be available for them because of whats happened in the past.

And it does sound a bit like you're taking on the responsibility for Alexa and her responses to your mum. Blues is absolutely right, in my humble opinion (given that I know almost nothing about your situation but here goes!) You have gone NC with your mum, she knows that, but still continues to have a relationship with her, of sorts, and wants to bring it home to you when it's crazy and difficult to deal with. ???

So, how is that your responsibility?

You are not responsible for your mums behaviour. Are you? Do you feel responsible for how she treats Alexa? It's awful, and traumatic, and absolutely shouldn't be happening, but thats why you've gone NC isn't it?

Someone once said to me that the way we behave teaches our kids to behave in certain ways. So when we set good boundaries with them, we show them how to set good boundaries. When we accept behaviours, even from them, we teach them it's ok to accept it from others. Which kinda turned everything on it's head for me. Not that I implemented it very well probably! And I struggle with the whole fear of losing my kids love.....As you'd know.

You can do this.

You can look after you.

You need to look after you.

Totally here for you.Big love.

J*

Ps If you set your intention when you need to have a cry, it will help to keep things handle-able. Ask your angels to keep you safe. Trust yourself. Just don't stuff it down!!! Love you 💖

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Those spider bites sound concerning. If they don't improve soon, please see a doctor.

I'm glad you got the bed together, and can sleep better in the new room. If that means you don't always have the car, is that so bad? Getting enough sleep is hugely important for regulating emotions, so while depression is poking at you it's extra important now. Lots of sleep for you!

Honestly, I'm not surprised you are dissociating, that is your mind protecting itself from everything you've been through. It doesn't feel fun, but maybe try looking at it from that perspective. Is it possible to be mindful in a dissociative state? If so, it might help demystify the experience a bit to simply observe what is happening.

I understand that a bad psych can do damage. I haven't had the best run with them, myself, and my troubles are less complex than yours. Honestly, I've figured most of my stuff out myself, so I know what you mean about the mental health profession. It isn't up to standard, sadly. If your counsellor is your best help and where your confidence lies, and if you are not feeling up to seeking a psych, make the best of that. Give yourself room to set the pace of your treatment to what you can manage, that is self-care, and that is what will help you most.

I chuckled at your counsellor's words, too. I do appreciate comedic understatement, haha. She's also right that you're a bloody marvel. You've worked hard to improve things for yourself, you deserve to give yourself credit.

I have read about the 5 things on the self-care thread. Very good strategy, I could afford to use it more, myself. Chuckling at the brush turkey, maybe not the best example, haha. Fantastic work, engaging with your kids.

Yep, this is what I mean about living now. You're on the right track, friend, I'm proud of you.

Great that you're seeing positives in changing rooms and the kids are too. And prodigal son making another visit soon, yay! Ha, yep, I like Bunnings too, when there's money for it.

I know it's all crazy hard for you right now. I know too that you are strong and will get through it. You're still doing things that are good for your mental health and that is so important that you are. Kind thoughts and puffball songs to you.

Blue.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Thankyou J*

It's really kind of you & all extending so many kind words.

Yeah it makes me cry but on a crying scale lol of 1-10 with 15 being how I cried to C yesterday... I was a 2 with being wrapped up in those loverly things. Tears of gratitude.

And I Love you too.

Yeah I totally agree about the modelling to our children.
It's why I left Alexa & the ACs dad even tho I still loved him.
What he modelled was NOT ok & I worried about Alexa, mostly, partnering with someone like him bec of it.

So I left.
NOT easy.
We had marriage C for years but he couldn't control his addictions.
At least those children don't have those at all. THANK GOD.
And exH wife continues to be stressed out of her eyeballs trying to manage & cope with it all.
Her lot not mine.

Next H was FAR worse but a sheep in wolf's clothing. A psychopathic narc.
He locked in real fast & it was almost impossible to rid ourselves of him.
But I did.
NO WAY was that easy, so much PTSD added bec of all that.

Then my mum.
Darling Alexa is the only family in contact with her.
Alexa frets for her safety etc.

I get that.
I feel sorry for that.
But I can't take responsibility for mother.
I tried for near 40y but ending with police was it.

I couldn't risk losing my children over her.
NO WAY IN GOD'S EARTH would I ever risk my children.

J* I think when I have "the convo" with Alexa about total NC with mother for me, it could be that Alexa chooses NC with me.
She's done that so many times before & it's nearly killed me.
I'm trying not to break my own heart thinking about it right now.

Alexa forgets who I am.
She's had years of "overlays" of lies told to her by mother, demon, Shep which have shaped her view of me and our relationship.
IF she could cast off those false lenses and just LOOK AND SEE how I am, what I do, WHO I am then she'd see me.

Ofcourse she's recovering from severe abuse from Shep also.
Mother doing maniacal things too but ongoing.

She's afraid that seeing a psych will impact her future career.
But I think it should be a pre-requisite for DV trauma psychs to have SURVIVED DV.

How can we know ANY THING unless we've 'been there'?

I said she might not FINISH her studies without the MH support.
But it's complex. So she needs it but how to GET it.
Mine's been a 50y work in progress. A jigsaw puzzle of support.
I'm empowered enough to recognise when I hear bs and motives of psychs.

Hence the support from the forums being GOLD.

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

hi Em

u are trying really hard and doing an awesome job juglging so much

glad the bed is comfy now .... how's all the changing styles going on? I don't really know what scandi style is but I know it's popular, cool and desirable by many - so go u!

I hope ur feeling a bit better. u've had a lot on these few days and are doing so awesome

the NC is really hard. Endlessly hard. But comes with these massive rewards.

I got my desk back from my family and they were so insane with things they were saying. My friend came with me and she could see it. Is that man your father she asked? She doubted it, by the cold and ignoring way he was to me. Also because I didn't really get into anything with him etc - we were so distant. So that was a win. Although of course it is technically contact, I decided to reclaim my things being worth it for me...

Stay strong Em. you got this

[ecomama]

NB: @ J* about modelling...

I've GOT to tell you the funniest story that one son gathered me and the kids around to tell....

so we had gotten demon out and were huddled waiting for it's next move.
FACS had told me to withhold the children which Family Court judges VERY harshly so I was terrified tbh...

anyway one quiet night this son asked for a family meeting.

He said he'd been reading research about the effects of a child's parenting from each parent, affects that child's choice of partner.

He said basically in our family make up, that hetero boys choose a female just like their mum.... then he looked at all the boys and said "So we're SET FOR LIFE boys, we're gonna marry someone just like mum" and they all laughed.

Then he said "Sadly Yvette, you're done like a dog's dinner!" (meaning she would marry someone like her dad).
Man was she angry! PS: she hadn't disclosed at that point.

NOW the last joke is on YVETTE!
Today I walked in to her new bedroom & she's put a rainbow flag RIGHT where you walk in to the room, like it smacks you in the face lol!

Maybe she'll be partnering with some one "just like mum" after all lol.

As much as we could be waiting for her to "come out"....
I've always said how unfair it is that anyone has to "come out".
Hetero ppl don't have to.
We'll know when we've "made it" in that sphere as a society when NO ONE has to come out and everyone is just themselves.

So Yvette is just BEING herself lol!

EMxxxx

[Jstar49]

Oh LOL!

She is a wise young woman that one. Good choice!

Funny son too. You have a very grounded and capable family by the sounds of it Em.

You've done so much work with Alexa. This too shall pass. She will know the truth, in time. Do not fear, only love. If she goes NC ( as difficult as that is) you will know that you have done your absolute best in the window you have.

Em if she can't see who you are, it's because she can't just now. Blind Freddy can see who you are. No lies can cover the truth of your being.

Hugs,

J*

[ecomama]

Hey Blue... yes EXACTLY about what you said I need to vanquish this depression.
Sleep. Boy did I sleep last night! Had a nap last night bec I needed it and there's no good schedule atm. Then late to bed. Then woke up to sons eating in the kitchen after work (1 draw back to that bedroom being close to the kitchen! LOL) then had a chat with them. Then SLEPT omg till noon.
LOVING THAT.

I've given my hand until tomorrow afternoon to show major improvement or I'm phoning tomorrow night for an appt. Check.
My arm pit feels weird so my system is working hard to rid the toxins.
I can't count the spider bites I've had living at this house.
It's a thang here!

Yes I totally agree with the MH profession, it's REALLY sad for those who are AWESOME!
Like they work so hard, are dedicated & CAREFUL.
Then there's the others stuffed so full of arrogance & condescension I cannot believe it.

My C STUDIES between our sessions, ISN'T SHE AWESOME!
I mean studies & accesses support from her colleagues and Head Psych TO SUPPORT me.
Not studies studies, researches, gets info from colleagues...

She said to me about 3y ago (lol) that having me as her client gave her the HUGEST learning curve of her career.
I said "WOW so are you thanking me? LOL!!!"
Then said "omg you POOR THING! I am SO sorry!!"

She said it's been FANTASTIC for her.
She hates what I was going through but would always try to give me the very best she could.

Her humility should be bottled and sold to psychs lol!

But she said she's taken notes of what else I've accessed and shared it with her other clients when applicable.
And the CONTACTS I made to support me through the Courts was so many.
I think I counted over 300 at one point.
Including all the free local Food Pantries.

Thankyou so much for saying you're proud of me, that's so kind. I'm so proud of YOU too!
And everyone on BB just never ever ever giving up to TRY to get themselves and their situation BETTER.
It shows such incredible resilience to just keep on. Even to wake up, get out of bed shows huge strength!

We've got to stick together.
Thankyou.

You're right. Dissociation HAS been helpful. I think it "saved" me somewhat.
But ofcourse it's not normal but then I wouldn't have needed dissociation if the situation was!
From research, I understand that dissociating long term is a dangerous habit for our psyches.

I'm at that point so I hear your suggestions Blue, it's the same as my Counsellor's, lol, funny that!

Thankyou!

Love EM

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy

You got this too!

Oh yeah NC with family is so freaking hard. The difficulties with it seem eternal.
20+y and I'm STILL having to deal with boundaries.

Sleeps NEVER ever beat yourself up about any contact you have to have.
Your NC is different in nature that mine had to be.

Get your stuff FOR SURE. I'm so glad your friend was there and saw the crap that goes on.
Some ppl are so ignorant.

If my D went NC with me (and one HAS before), I would be almost kissing her feet if she came over!! And I wouldn't even care if she didn't want to talk to me. I'd make her favourite food and put them in take away containers, so there was no imaginary hold she could think I was having over her about containers lol.

I'd do almost anything to stop NC with my children. I know J* would too... hugs to you all.

It's devastating to a person.
Such alot of rebuilding to do in one's life.

I'm glad you got your furniture back!
Are you happy you did?

I still have thoughts of my darling furniture at my mother's. An antique dressing table my grandparents bought me when I was younger and LOVED.
It's all hoarded over now and my brother said he's bulldozing the whole house later. He said there's NOTHING worth saving. It's like a rubbish dump.

I'll just be grateful I have what I have here already.

Scandi style lol OH that's in the future... I'm just putting my stuff in my room and doing same with the kids.
BUT we've chucked out SO MUCH! It's awesome.
Our bin was emptied last night plus 8 garbage bags in other ppls!
Today our bin is almost full again.

I'm doing 'a little' towards the Scandi style though. Leaving out some things that don't go with it at all.

Funny thing - I want to meld my Asian stuff with it.
It's WHO I am to have some Asian things in there.
So it's more like Chinoiserie; European interpretation of Asian style.
Makes sense because I have a French Chaise Lounge in there, the cat loves it!

I'm giving myself a year or more to get my bedroom the way I'd like it.

I want p.son's room the way he wants it. He's a true minimalist so he's going to love his new room.

The son who's getting my entire bedroom suite downstairs is over the moon about that lol. That'll take us ages bec we need a rest before embarking on another changing rooms.

And Yvette is flying the rainbow flag proudly so SHE'S happy too!
Lol she's taken so many extra shifts this week and is rapt about her bank balance!

Did you get the Gumtree drawers in?

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

hi Em

i feel the joy and pleasure in the decorating and changing, giving the kids new stuff which matches their style...

I like a mix of styles... the scandi will be great... 1 year is a nice framework - i know u'll do an awesome job with it

I'm really happy and quite emotional that I got my stuff 🙂
Ur right their coldness was a tell - and it showed me something in a sharp way

They really had very little to say or do. My friend is that man your father

Just a man in the house lol. It seemed that way to her. My mother told my friend that she has a new pet in the house... I didn't know that. So during the pandemic they got a pet.
Thanks for getting it EM it's a soothing feeling to not be alone in this and to have others who just get it. And you just get it straight away

I saw a man going into his house today opposite mine, youngish, and asked him to help me with the drawers. He grabbed his housemate and the operation was completed. I haven't had a human being in my house for so long. It was quite freeing. I'm really happy. It's an ikea one, modern lines, clean. helps me with my fresh start. 🙂

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Sleep is the best, EM, glad you're getting a whole heap of it. Good for physical healing, too. Hopefully helping a little with your feet.

Yep, we're in Australia, spiders can be a problem. I was amazed there weren't any in my work shoes after I was off work so long, haha. Glad you've got a timeline for when to just go to the doctor.

Can't say I've encountered the arrogance you mention, just plain incompetence. That said, there is no doubt as to the worth of your counsellor's humility. With humility comes the willingness to learn and improve, which is so important in any profession and just in being a decent human being.

I can imagine the learning curve for your counsellor, I am pleased she has been doing so much research - I assure you it is good for her as much as for you. And here I will be honest with you - I hardly know the tip of the iceberg when it comes to your experience, but the conversations we have had have been hugely educational for me, too. In the course of learning about your struggles, I have followed trails of research that have also revealed a lot about myself. Not the same things you're experiencing but things that intersect and catch my attention with a ring of personal truth. That's been eye-opening and very, very helpful in my own personal journey. I want to thank you for that.

Thanks for saying you're proud of me, too. We're a tough bunch, we keep at it. To borrow a line from Chumbawamba, "I get knocked down, but I get up again", haha.

Sure dissociation isn't normal, or something to aspire to. But it has it's place and I guess what I meant to say is that makes it something to be understood not so much something to be afraid of. Dealing with it from that place is apt to be easier.

Well, if your counsellor is saying the same things I am, there must be something to it. 😉

Delighted to read about your minimising efforts and the enthusiasm with which you tackle them - you're re-inspiring me! Your design ideas are fun, I think Asian with a twist will look great, interested to hear how it takes shape as you go along. Oh, and Yvette's rainbow flag - love it!

You're great, EM. Just sayin'.

Blue.