new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Dear Blue

Thankyou so much for your kind words, understanding and forgiveness.

I cried at anything & everything today. Darn it that sunglasses fog up when we have to wear masks to go into a shop and have tears are welling.

This may need a ***Trigger Warning*** dissociation, trauma.
But there it is just in case.

I'm so muddled in my head.
It's been pretty scary today.

I Googled 'dissociation' and there are so many forms. I have the 1st 3 forms at least. After reading the first 3 I couldn't read any more thru tears. I don't want to scare myself any more than I need to in the zone I'm in. The rest can wait.

Previously I'd relied on psych friends, Alexa and trauma psych to explain it to me.
I'd not Googled it before today.

The vivid descriptions of what my mother did yesterday when with Alexa (who was distraught when she was telling me) was strange but eerily familiar. I held space with Alexa really well yesterday. I wasn't reacting emotionally as maybe she expected or wanted me to? IDK?
I'm trying to work Alexa out tbh.
I said things like "I'm so sorry you had to deal with that today darling" etc.

Alexa thought all this stuff mother did would shock me I?
It was shocking, but this person raised me, I've seen all that and far worse before NC.
THAT was my life.
Far worse as she was instantly and without warning very violent.
Hence police, hence NC. I didn't say any of this.

I chose NOT to be offended by anything Alexa said yesterday but ofcourse things she said hurt me. I just didn't react. Just listened and affirmed her emotions.

When she left yesterday she thanked me for "regulating her emotions".

Today I guess they were raw. Alexa finally has a MHCP but hasn't chosen a person to see yet.

So much else came up today. Too much to write.

I REALLY need to put time in to myself and self-care.
Trying to do self-care reminds me of me trying to learn how to ride a bike without training wheels on - it took me YEARS.

I took care of 3 spider bites I got today, that's self-care lol. I have to watch them now. Not sure what type of spider it was but the webs were sticky. Oh the things that happen here.

I need a rest. My bed's in pieces. Maybe my mattress on the floor tonight.
EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

hi Em i was a bit worried with ur bed in process that u'd not have somewhere to sleep

i hope u get some rest tonight

thank u for sharing what u went through....i ahve compassion for what both u and alexa have experienecd

i dont want to trigger you at all but sending love

[Croix]

Dear EM~

You are person full of love and strong emotions, sometimes that combination is too much for anyone, so one has to build barriers. Fortunately you have good instincts.

What you have said about your interactions with Alexa show that you are getting there, however as you have found it hurts and sometimes leaves you feeling you should have allowed more closeness.

The same applies to holding that information back as you did. That was a kind and restrained act.

It is essential to have those barriers, not only for your own sake, you have to survive, and hopefully have times of happiness, you also have to be there for others, even with distance you are a pillar to them.

I hope the mattress on the floor is not too uncomfortable

Croix (who hopes at least some of the paparazzi will not recognize you in your mask and misty cool shades -a terrible thing to be constantly mobbed by them:)

[Jstar49]

Hi Em, hi everyone,

I have been catching up, and am just quietly sitting with you Em in this difficult place you're in at the moment.

I'm sorry my friend, It sounds like it's all piling up.

Is there anything we can do?

I do so wishh I could be of physical help in your time of need.

I am glad that you are expressing your needs and emotions at times to your kids- and proud of you for what you are doing to absorb all that emotional blah from Alexa- it sounds like you did an amazing job. It's tough to do and hopefully we can help to hold that space for you here, as you sort through what it means for you.

Only you can know when you need to say enough, and when you can be available for others. It's so hard with our children tho. It sounds like you really need to be available for them because of what's happened in the past.

I had to google veruccas- sounds painful! Does wart freeze work?

I have a copy of Louise Hays book if you need to know something and can't find it. Her work on mind/body/spirit is amazing.

Em, you do so much to support others, both here and in your real time life. I hope that you will take the space you need to heal and reflect and nurture your self, and not feel like you have to be there for others all the time.

Much love

J*

[ecomama]

Dearest Sleepy

Thankyou for your foreverly (a word I just made up clearly lol) love, support and strength.

You are one of the strongest people I know. I see that so much. Hope you will come to see how incredibly strong you are.

I just got off the phone from my Counsellor.
Then drove kids to work and more texts.

Trigger territory now after the texts.

My Counsellor gave me some great advice.

I'll be back.

Thankyou Sleepy. Hope you're doing okay?

EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Dear Croix lol so you have the same issues with "the pap" as I do? LOLOL, I DO dress incognito some times but it's not from media paps! lol.

Thankyou for your wise words as always. You hit the nail on the head with probably EVERYTHING you said lol... oh at the moment I don't know lol. Still a bit swirly.

But yes. The ONE thing that stood out with what my Counsellor said today was that I have to "state some VERY firm boundaries with Alexa*" (*not her real name).
NO more conversations about my mother. Alexa will not take to this at all well, I am sure of it.

And the reasons why, you'd know.

In addition to the obvious reasons, it's my incapacity to cope with this information.
The "enmeshment" I have (psych scored me in high 90s which was 60 points higher than any client previously in 40y crap it) was triggered.
Counsellor said "you went No Contact for a reason and this needs to be respected".

She also said that mother was having "an episode" on Saturday - I was able to describe in more detail the things mother did. Tbh it wasn't what mother DID but it was how distressed and unable to cope that Alexa was when she came here.

I was "present" with Alexa and validating every thought, feeling, reaction she had.
Heck I had those to a lesser degree all my life (but didn't say that).
Just "This must've been scary" when she said she was scared etc.

BUT ANOTHER thing I learnt today was my "freeze" (Sleepy this could be yours too at times IDK?)... it's not so much a freeze but a zone of sharp observation. Observing the person ranting, venting etc. This is a trauma response from C-PTSD, apparently, gauging the level of danger in the situation.

The sucky thing is that I've lived with a level of danger for so long, it's all melded into "the norm" of my life.

So I sit. Listen intently. Gauging, gauging.... measuring "is this getting into the too hot to handle area?"

Sadly she also said that Alexa had "an episode" on Sunday at me.
She:
* projected
* blame shifted
* swore
* screamed and shouted this all.
All in an instant when I asked for the milk to be dropped off.

BF said "So she dropped the milk off when she came right?"
No she didn't. She picked up something she'd left here.

Thanks Croix, what you said all matches but the events were far more severe than I've disclosed.
EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Thankyou so much J*, lol I hope to find MY Louise L Hay books!! omg grrr if demon threw those away too I'll GRRR and then re-buy them again!

I can't do wart freeze stuff, there are way too many.
I'm absolutely gobsmacked.
I literally haven't had ANY in around 50y, since that childhood period... THAT's the gobsmacking part.
They came up in the days after answering Alexa's questions about this childhood period.
Even tho I didn't mention them at all. Freaky!

Today I texted my friend from school who works in a Podiatrist's and they re-open on Monday.
I'll phone them then.
My Counsellor wants our next appt 1st thing Monday morning.
I'm to call a helpline if I need to.

BUT Yvette was contacted by Alexa bec I haven't answered any of Alexa's texts since Sunday.
What do you say to "How are you feeling?"
CRAP? and the rest... no. Had no answer I could text and I would trigger her if we spoke.

Can't do that.

Counsellor's advice was "in an attempt to salvage the relationship with Alexa" I have to state clear boundaries.

***Trigger Warning*** family relationships...

This will be far harder than even my Counsellor thinks.

I know that we need to have a psychologist be present for Alexa to get out all of her resentment etc in a family counselling session. But I can't cope at all with that.

Both of us have far too much trauma, enmeshment, abuse lies Alexa believes still (clearly) and crap to deal with.

So when do we "live".

My Counsellor said just put up the boundary and it's Alexa's problem in how she deals with it LOL! OMG wow. She said I have far too much and can't manage it.

C also said "to allow the release of crying but don't allow it to go any deeper".
Hmm ok. lol. Lord how does THAT happen?

Thankyou J*. I'll do some self-care and allow the space for myself. As much as I can.

EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

I wish these conversations with Alexa hadn't done so much damage to you. I do agree with your counsellor that boundaries are necessary here. I don't know what Alexa does or doesn't know about your upbringing, but surely she's connecting some dots between your choice to be out of contact with your mother and the things she has just experienced? Ultimately, I guess it doesn't matter - what matters is that if she is adamant about retaining that contact herself, she doesn't bring the harm back to you. It's her choice to bring that into her life, it isn't yours, you actively chose to remove that danger to yourself and I too will affirm that needs to be respected.

I am sorry you are experiencing dissociation, and are feeling muddled and scared. I had to look it up myself, to understand. There is more to it than I thought, and I can only imagine how disorienting it must be - I've touched on it at various points, but not to any significant degree. Is that easing at all? Has talking with your counsellor helped?

I'm glad your counsellor could clarify some things for you, about yourself and about Alexa's "episode". I understand the "freeze" or hyper-alertness. Danger should never be normalised in a person's life. You deserve better.

You really struck a chord with me when you asked J* "So when do we live?" Boy have I asked myself that so many times. The answer is you live now, you live every day. That's what self care is all about. Knowing when to put something down if it's too heavy and give yourself what you need to build strength and will to pick it up again later - if it needs picking up again at all. Pare down your responsibilities to the minimum, put as much time as you can into anything that makes you feel well and whole and strong. You need it, and you deserve it.

How are those spider bites looking? Are they healing okay? And is your bed back together? If not, you could make a blanket fort over the mattress, pretend you're camping. 😉

Kind thoughts to you, EM. And lots of encouragement for that self care. Puffballs send a song to kick start some nature time for you.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Thankyou Blue, thanks for the songs Puffballs!

Had a long nap, need to pick up kids from work soon.
Depression has deepened.

Lol, the spider bites, 3 bites between my arm pit & elbow. Still have tingling under my arm pit & a sore hand, esp joints.
I had to use a heavy cleaner to get the sticky webs off my arms.

We got my bed together by 2am that night. It's a much quieter room so minus the dreams / nightmares it's a better place to sleep. I can sleep longer if I need to. Sleeping in means I can't have the car if kids start early so it's a trade off.

Yes my Counsellor (C) helped A LOT!

Dissociation - without harking too much to my childhood (C said to avoid this as much as poss) I think I remember I was around 3-4y old when my brother died that I first remember it happening. So much violence experienced / witnessed then & since.
It's been such a thick thing in my life, I doubt I can completely remove it now.

The thought of getting another psych & risking the heavy harm from a psych, it takes a long time or forever to get rid of.... a calmer life sounds a preferable thing right now to me.

If it or my trauma responses / depression gets any worse IDK.
I'm getting to have nearly zero faith in the MH profession. It takes one straw in a haystack to be able to help me.
That's the C in complex.

My Counsellor is ONE diamond. She usually hears AND listens, calms me, hits nails in succinct words, I often end up laughing by the end of the session. From sobbing to laughing.

She gives me "just enough" to work on.

At the end of today's session she said in her American accent (omg she's SO KIND!) lol.. "So even though we know you mother had some questionable parenting practices..." I said OMG that's the understatement of my Century! and laughed and laughed and she laughed and said she was glad I saw the sarcasm lol.

C said "You've done so well in your recovery... you're a bloody marvel" lol I said I AM! and laughed.
Then I said that all my learning has been from ppl like her, others along the way, my profession, BB forums, research, gosh even the police, NONE of it was modelled to me by my mother.
Then she tooted my horn for absorbing it.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: Counselling session post family member's episodes on the weekend.

That rolled off the keyboard but is NOT something easy to think about, talk about, disclose due to retraumatising myself.

In addition to what my C said above to me today, she added "the most important thing you can do is give time to the "5 things" we've worked on".

The 5 things was a strategy given to me by a Closed FB group to prepare for and attend Courts.
The group supported women escaping DV.

When I rebooked my C after reporting to Police (I'd seen her briefly after I got demon out but couldn't afford the sessions)... I told her my 5 things strategy.
I've had free sessions for years now.

Today she said to BUILD on the 5 things.
She knows how many children I care for & the amount of time, movement, housework this entails lol. There's no real 'decent time out' for me.

But there's management to consider.

So the additions to 5 things I can see hear touch taste smell... is to do with this INTENT.
Spend minutes attending to each thing.
Making a conscious DECISION on what to focus my attention ON.

We practiced this and she laughed at the one I could see... the Brush turkey destroying my garden lol... and said to choose things that are PLEASURABLE... so the Brush Turkey's OUT I guess lol.

I chose a beautiful flowering agapanthus. And we went through the process.

I EXPANDED upon that to make it also about my conversations with the kids.
I realised I dissociate alot when talking with them.
EG they mention going to the Mall, I silently freak out and wonder how many angles demon can attack from... he works right near there.
Tonight, instead of doing that (and it's a tough habit to break).... I listened intently and found myself laughing at their stories. Deeply engaging in a better way.

I think THIS is how to LIVE in the post-trauma era.
Yes Blue I hear you, am trying to GET what you're saying, it's hard to process for me to learn.

I texted p.son and simply asked how he's doing?
He's the sweetest thing, truly.
He's coming up next week lol and wow that put a bomb under us! All the changing rooms stuff is great for me and the kids to show us what we can do, achieve something and learn alot.
Sometimes it's even FUN!
I can hear the kids doing stuff in there right now.
They're excited p.son is coming home too.
P.son is going to take some stuff away from here that we don't want and they need yay!

Bunnings tomorrow. That's ALWAYS fun lol.

Thankyou everyone.
Love EM