new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_1643]

Hi EM i have read that book and I also listened to her CD in my car years ago

I found her personal story so so interesting which she puts insome editions of the book

It was a brave and honest story

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, Sleepy, Tay Tay, monkey, J* and all lol,

I'll do point form lol:
* yep have a Counselling appt, crikeys! On Tuesday lol. I book one ahead. She's way more helpful than the psych I was seeing. I dumped the psych.
* will phone Podiatrist on Monday morning for later in the week. Tomorrow I want to make my essential oil from my lemon balm growing. Then USE it. I want to give my body some extra supplements too beforehand. I have to get a NEW podiatrist too since Shep's mum used to work at my previous one.

* Alexa told me today she didn't realise how deep our convos were a few nights ago as she hasn't been able to stop thinking about the content - aha me neither. They were DEEP DEEP lol. Scraping away at stuff we absolutely NEED to.
* I told her about my feet then she went shopping and bought a feast to cook up for all of us.
* It was rainy today so no walk lol.

* Sleepy did you mean Louise L Hay's book / CD? or "The body keeps score"? I think you mentioned the latter on other threads?
I got into Louise Hay's stuff so long ago lol, before you were born maybe LOL! BUT object permanence and keeping score of how deep I get into things psychologically, well we can only remember so much.
* I can't wait to have my much loved and often referred to books in my new bedroom! Then to figure out which ones are missing and re-purchase them!

* aha yes the kids are working out the car situation WITH me, or me modelling how to do the process lol... they're so young and their first cars and all. I've never had to dispose of a car of my own before, I always traded in on a better one or sold mine etc SO it's a learning curve for all of us.
Alexa can do her own. I hope she gets her new car soon!!! Then I can get MY car back from her.

Well HAPPY to report lots of progress and HELP from the kids between shifts with MOVING heavy furniture today! Huge pieces and HUGE cleaning up YUCK.

Moved the entire loungeroom about and cleaned it all.

Moved stuff between 4 rooms and really getting somewhere now. Cleaning takes the most time.

Dismantling my King sized bed will NOT be fun. I have to remove p.son's bed 1st. No he's not helping, he went back to his other home a few days ago and may not be back much now these school hols. I'm packing his stuff up in boxes and he can deal later.

NOT fun having a smashed in garage door! We can't open it or close it now. I'm glad no one was injured and the car's ok too but yah mmmm.

Onwards and upwards I guess lol!

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update:

Already 'what a day'. Couldn't sleep last night. Felt dreadful.

I think my system is so sensitive that I can't really eat anything "not healthy" IDK. I bought choc etc as a treat for NYE and it's made me ill. blergh.

Woke up with sweats. I wondered if they're those weird fleeting panic attacks or something when you don't know if you're being triggered.
Maybe I am IDK.
It could be a fever. IDK.

I think it's more likely fleeting panic attack sweats. That interstate 'friend' who I spent HOURS over about 5 separate days listening to is phoning me almost daily. I'm ignoring the calls.
This is the one who assumed she could move in to my home, with her comments.

I know she's going thru a rough time but she was NOWHERE when I was.
She knew what was going on but never called over those 7y.
Didn't answer when I called her.

Now she's a few hours away visiting relatives but I just don't want visitors, much less those who are "like that" ie call forever when THEY need you, including somewhere to LIVE and never care about hard times for you. My house is in complete dishevelment atm with changing rooms and a busted garage door blah blah - A MESS!

That's what's giving me anxiety. I can't lie without it almost traumatising me lol... not even a "white lie" nup. Yep it is. Just had another one.

Alexa phoning early about my mother not being home for their arranged outing, didn't help.
She was triggering about that and seeing the hoarding the worst it's ever been.
I said "Hoarding will only GET worse darling. We can expect this". She was close to tears.
Then mother arrived.

The garden's chocked full of potted plants in a jungle (OH hello! Mine's getting that way lol! Thanks brush turkeys and lantana grr).

SO I've been cleaning this morning. Scrubbing floors, about to scrub down walls. My new b/room has the worst walls. so much damage. It'll be hard work but not impossible lol.

I just want to "do my thing" and not be bothered more than with my kids / grandkids, my house, maybe my garden lol but my "lot" including recent issues atm.
That's enough!

And my poor dog was sick all over the house last night. I think stirring up dust and all the more potent cleaning stuff made him unwell. Not nice to clean up but poor bubba.

I'll get the boys to take him downstairs more today. He needs company lol but not with this going on upstairs!
Add the dog.

CAN'T wait till I'm free to potter around. NOT moving heavy furniture!

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Glad you have a counselling appointment soon. I find mine more helpful than the psych, too, but there's an element of me to that - the not wholly voluntary "public face" with in-person psych appointments vs online chat and shared journal with counsellor. The format makes a huge difference to how one communicates.

Oh dear, more triggers with the old podiatrist, then? Good luck with the new one, and with the things you're doing for your feet in the meantime.

Yup, conversations like that can catch up with you later.

Glad the kids are getting involved with the car situation - and that you haven't had to "dispose" of a car before. Three times for me. I only once chose to get a new car (came into some money and the old one was too far gone from being too poor to maintain her, off to the wreckers she went). My first two were stolen (found one, it was wrecked, hence Cash for Cars). The one I chose to get was totalled about a year later in an accident not of my making. Following one, accident. The one after that, timing belt went, off to the wreckers and I was driving my partner's car a full year before I could afford a new one of my own. Urgh. The garage door scenario is one I haven't had. You must be so frustrated.

Great work with the moving and cleaning. Not the most fun thing, but so satisfying when it's done. Dismantling beds is annoying. Good luck!

If you're not in a good place mentally, it's understandable you'd be reacting badly to junk food. Sorry you are though, bad timing. I'm sure you have grounding techniques for panic attacks if that's why you have the sweats. Employ those, they can't hurt, right?

Maybe if you speak to that "friend", just be straight with her? I think I would. She'll either see her failures and try to do better or get mad and bugger off because you've called her out on what a bad friend she is. Problem solved either way if you ask me.

I'm faintly surprised Alexa is maintaining a relationship with your mother. I guess she's got to come to her own conclusions. Gods, the hoarding, it definitely just gets worse. I always have a profound urge to clean and minimise when I've been to Mum's house or even spoken to her.

Hope the kids are on board with taking care of your pup, poor little guy.

You absolutely should just do your thing as much as you can, EM. I really hope you can catch a break soon.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Thanks Blue

Sighh Alexa's here "diffusing" after spending a mental day with my mother.
The things she did omg... can't begin to explain. Crazy.
Alexa is the ONLY one of my children making voluntary contact.

Aha after these visits and talks, sure does get some grunt happening on the household front lol.

I started cutting and ripping up the carpet! YAY! omg yay that there are raw timber floor boards!!
Double triple YAY lol.

My bed's STILL in there but not much else now - yay again?
LOL I know you're my biggest encouragement to keep on minimalising!

Be back later.
EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Hey Blue

Well I'm glad I had expert advice about disposing of cars from you. You've had a bit of practice sadly. We still haven't emptied the fuel tank on No1 car... rain again today. All that later.

Yeah that friend.... I have told her straight up about not being able to live at my house Blue, 5 times now. Not for ANY length of time.
I'm thinking "didn't you hear me the first time I said no?".
I had to say "No not until you find a job, not for any length of time. I can't believe you think I could!"

In fact I thought she was JOKING the first time she mentioned it, so I laughed.
Then I realised she was serious. Then 😮.
Now I'm like 😠.

You don't ask ppl the FIRST time when you have plenty of family with spare rooms and all the rest re: our r/ship.
I'm certain she only wanted to visit over this time with the single minded intention of poking around my home to SEE our rooms.
Then put it to me in person.
YUCK.
Hence I'm not answering her calls. She's trying to verbally manipulate me by trying to evoke mountains of sympathy.

With all that's going on HERE I feel sorry for myself! LOL! Not really but you get my drift.
I can't deal with all that.
Not my problem at all.

BLOCKING from my mind for now.

Progress with room stuff.
P. son's QS bed is now dismantled and in the loungeroom.
Yvette is home tonight and offered to sort thru his stuff so I said YES PLEASE!
She's doing well with the chucking lol!

I've been cleaning walls, windows etc. Using some tools (which is fun lol) to remove nails and screws from spots.

Getting tired now. Had a horrible sleep last night.
Potentially a big day tomorrow to help Alexa get a new phone. We have a family plan together for unlimited data etc.
Hers fell in the loo! omg the antics here.

I got some really cool plants from my mother's overladen garden. Alexa chose well!

Happy days lol!

EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Glad my unfortunate vehicular experiences have at least led to useful information to make your current escapade a bit easier. You could certainly do with a few shortcuts to getting things sorted out.

Ah, selective deafness with this one. I don't blame you for just not answering her phone calls. At that point, I wouldn't either. Too hard basket. She has plenty of other places to go for support and isn't giving your situation any regard at all. You're right - she is not your problem. You have every right to keep your focus on the mountain of stuff you have going on at home.

Wow, you've really gone to town with the rooms, you're doing great. Makes me want a nap just reading about it, haha. Glad Yvette is helping out, and that using the tools is fun. Oh, and floorboards. I found lovely floorboards under the carpet I pulled up at my last place when I moved out. Wish I'd done it years before, would have if I'd known - the carpet was ugly (also birds do not do nice things to carpet, much easier to clean floorboards). Glad I'm of some help, encouraging the minimising. I admit, I'm a bit passionate about that subject. 🙂

Oh dear, a phone down the loo, now. I dropped the work phone in the loo once, haha. Still works, no-one knows. (*evil grin*) I gave it a good clean, of course. Definitely need to have yourself a good sleep (or as good as you can) for going out to replace the phone tomorrow.

Has Alexa told you why she still persists with your mother? Not that I expect you to divulge that information, just wondered if you know. Guess you got some plants out of it. Hm.

Take care of yourself and those sore feet.

Blue.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Em I really like the boudaries you put with ur friend....

sounds like she's just an extra worry/concern which isn't needed. It's really hard to say no and put in those boundaries and to even recognise what is happening withthem

Well done Em!

That's nice you're having deep and honest conversations with ur daughter, and that she'shelping you out

sometimes those talks are just the best thing

so did you rearragnge your bedroom? does it look cool?

Great to have changes 🙂

[ecomama]

*** Trigger Warning*** DV SA Childhood trauma.

Hey Blue & Sleepy, please don't read if you think it'll be too much. I love that you responded & I'm sorry for not responding well today.

Not doing well at all. Making typos. Slept ok. Woke aching. Felt dreadful.
Depression is back.

Alexa has been really "zingy" not sure what mix it is maybe Anxiety ADHD stress trauma?
I think she has PTSD. This morning's phone call went from I was at "ok" to 150% from her.

I know there's far too much she really wants to talk to me about (from her childhood) & can't / won't / is too scared to let her anger fly. Many times she's sensitive about how much I can handle.

She expressed deep remorse this week at how extremely harshly she treated me over many years & remorse at what she thought of me. She's very judgemental. The abusers in her life ie demon, Shep, my mother convinced her of so much about me, they were terrible lies.
They tried to have the kids taken off me, have me sacked, told Police, everyone.
"The GUILT I feel" she kept saying. I said she didn't know, it's okay!

The abusers made up whole stories about every part of my life.
Lies based in tidbits of truth eg your mother was brutally abused therefore she is x,y,z = cannot care for children. Your mother married lots bec she was having multiple affairs... I did marry with years in between but never had affairs.

Changing rooms has had a deep impact.
SAs in my "new" room. So much harm done in this room I now know by kids disclosing in Courts. The holes in the walls are a deep reminder of the harm to us all & it's breaking my heart.

I can't stop crying today since Alexa phoned most esp. I was cheery to her when she called but when she said it would be a hassle to wear masks & go to do her phone I jumped at that and said OK. Masks compulsory since midnight last night.

She was doing something for the kids nearby, so I asked (I hate asking for anything, help, anything at all, the Detective who supported us said we were the most severely DV affected family she'd ever met bec we never ask questions which shows extreme coercive control over many years).

I asked her to bring the milk I'd left in her fridge.
She triggered.
I said please don't worry about it (I said it kindly and said I know she has a lot on her plate & that I can handle it, it's ok).
She started swearing at me, saying all sorts of stuff, telling me stuff I didn't do (the lie stories), bringing up horrible things from her childhood, the lot.

EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

You've nothing to be sorry about, you have so much on your plate right now. Give yourself some kindness and room to deal with it.

It's clear that recent conversations with Alexa, even before this morning's madness, have been weighing heavily on you. I'm sorry she flipped from apologetic to abusive, you don't deserve that. Is she getting any help with her mental health? A psych/counsellor appointment in the very near future would do her good, methinks. It's understandable she's reacting to so much hurt in her past. It's not okay that she's taking it out on you. I know too how hard it is to ask for anything, and the more responses like that you get - that are abusive or unhelpful - the harder it is going forward.

I do worry about you remaining in the same house where everything happened, but I also know your reasons for staying. Would working on patching up the holes help with how you feel about them? A symbol of putting your life and your children's lives back together after everything.

You've had some success with 1800RESPECT, maybe now is a good time to chat with them.

I saw in another thread you were thinking about stepping back from the forums for a while, that you felt you were "blundering too much". I sincerely hope our recent conversations haven't made you feel that way. I want to remind you that any human interaction is bound to come with misunderstandings. Each individual is a complex system full of thoughts and memories, perceptions and emotions, much of it undisclosed. It is literally impossible to avoid misunderstandings sometimes. It's what we do with them that matters, and you ace that bit. What you contribute here, on so many threads, is hugely valuable - please don't underestimate your positive impact.

That said, if you are overwhelmed, don't push yourself to do more than you are able. Take the best care of yourself that you can. You deserve any time/space/kindness that you need, and you should have it. At the very least, take yourself out into the garden (maybe with a decaf with cream in it) and soak up some of nature's beauty - I know how healing that is for you, it is for me, too. Let yourself breathe, all the worries can wait.

Here for you, friend.

Blue.