new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Hey Tay

Got a headache so will be adding 1 more post after this one, then making some healthy food and resting.

How are you doing?

EMxxxx

[Guest_4643]

Sorry to hear that EM, I hope you feel better soon.

I'm ok, just wish I could contact my Psychiatrist.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue and waves to everyone reading

Thanks for the headsup about "Cash for Cars"... they appear to service this area so I'll give them a go! Good one!

I woke up quite late today bec I'd had to wake up 3 times with son having aching, cramping legs. He hadn't sprayed the mineral spray on his legs as I asked him to do at 1am after a bath with Epsom salts. I thought he had... so finally at 5am I asked him about it, then did it and it worked.
He used everything else BUT the spray omg.

So a late start today.
Went to auto store and bough a jerry can for the petrol and a hand pumping thing.
We need to empty each car out of the petrol already in it and put it into another car's tank BUT the only car we have here is full, lol.
We need to fill my car that Alexa has on the weekend with this petrol from car Number 1.
Then go thru the process with each of the cars we're disposing of.

Slow process but we'll get there.

Spoke with Alexa about so many things last night whilst doing all sorts at hers, including the Proposed Orders for Family Law Court she needs to finalise.
There's other legal, taxation stuff to sign off on first.
These are almost ready to go after over a FULL YEAR of negotiations ugh.

THEN that.
Had some great ideas about the Parenting & Property Orders and Alexa agreed.
Great.
Should be signed off this year we HOPE!

I basically have no car for 3 days now but IDC lol. I need rest.

Hope everyone's travelling well.
EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Excellent, I thought for sure you'd be able to access something like it for dealing with the cars. Much better option than dragging them to the scrap metal guy, I think.

Nice work on Alexa's lounge. Minimalism for the win! Happy gardening on Monday.

Ah, okay. I'm not getting the impression prodigal son is faring well with the change. The thing about humans is most have to go through the horrible things rather than just hear about them (especially from parents) to understand - be it about mineral spray or one's living arrangements. Experience is the great teacher. Ironically I think sometimes too, the most vulnerable people are the most impressionable and follow along with those who don't necessarily have the best advice. Maybe because it's different to what they usually hear, I dunno.

Leaving the recipe hunt alone for now. Too tired!

Oh dear, what a fiasco with the fuel. Sounds like a right pain in the backside.

You coping okay, getting hands on with Alexa's legal stuff? I can imagine it all being a bit triggering. I wish you could have a break from such things.

You mirrored my thoughts re car trouble. Mine ended up sitting outside work over Christmas, I just couldn't be bothered dealing with it after that rubbish day the key battery failed me (oh for the days when keys worked without batteries/transponders) and my partner came and picked me up. I was just too tired for it, so I'm hearing you loud and clear.

Kind thoughts to you, EM. Rest up!

Blue.

PS Hey Tayla. Ol' Blue is doing okay, just really damn tired. Long day at work. Hope you can talk to your psych soon and can get some sleep in the meantime.

[Guest_4643]

Thanks Blue.

I wish I could talk to him too. I feel like I really need him at the moment. I don't mean in an obsessive way, just there as a professional to help.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue

Yeah sorting the cars will take a while, lots of steps I guess and lots of cars too lol... it's exhausting. Pity about your car too. It's a pain all right. Grrrr.

I've been reflecting upon lots of childhood things since Alexa had D&Ms about SO many things with me this week. We always D&M but these were even deeper, less spoken of.

It had a flow on effect, reflecting on my own childhood as she and I discussed alot of (my mother is haunting her etc and phoning up crying at her all the time atm) and would you believe it.... a childhood affliction on my feet has resurfaced.

omg I can't believe it.
We were talking about around our ages of 7yo - 10yo.... this affliction caused me immense pain during that time even tho this is NOT what Alexa and I spoke of AT ALL.

In fact I doubt she even knows about this about when I was a child.

The deeply buried memories, deep grief, deep everything! My feet now have at least 12 veruccas on the soles of my feet. ONLY surfacing since our talk!! within 2 days.

This is what I had at that age. The body does indeed "keep score" - mine does at least.

It's too much detail for me to type out but crap the pain is excruciating. I can feel nerve pain travelling up my legs like mini electric shocks tingling them all the time. My feet are hot and throbbing, aching all the time, making it hard to sleep.

It was late last night I discovered them... I searched, then read a Research article on using essential oils to assist with destroying viruses (mainly about covid). But it led me on a research trail for helping my feet more specifically. I might make some lemon balm essential oils from it growing in my garden.
But I need to book in a Podiatrist asap.

This triggered me today but not full on PTSD stuff. I could feel myself dissociating - I'm positive now that I drift into dissociation when in pain or shock (shock only when I'm "safe").

I Googled the Louise L Hay association with foot pain and it's right on there! As per.

Maybe the lemon balm thingy (which takes over 6 hours to make!!!) could help before I get my Podiatrist appt. IDK I feel like I already have far too much to do... IDK I think I have to.

I have a foot bath that I could soak my feet in if I get a spanse of time TO soak my feet.
Using the essential oil I make when I make it lol... it's all too complicated!

Welcome to 2021 ecomama, burgeoning with issues from childhood.
Gotta sort them some time.

Love EM
PS: Best wishes Tay, hope you get some rest.

[Guest_4643]

Hey EM, thank you. Best wishes to you too.

Sorry I didn't read your above comment, can't concentrate that much right now. How are you?

Hi to everyone else here. I hope you're all ok and have a Happy New Year.

[Guest_1643]

hey EM

wow that is so interesting to read as i'm also having issues with my foot.... childhood repeating as well

not having shoes growing up etc.. sometimes i repeat that and wear shoes til they break or hurt which i did during the pandemic and now one foot is acting up a bit.... i gues you're right - we have to deal with it sometime. It's okay we learn and grow and we learn and we heal. At least we are not amongst those who spend their lives without a question... x

[ecomama]

Lol right on Sleepy, not being like those "without a question" and the next thought was they take no responsibility either.

Louise L Hay is a person I refer to when I think to. You can just Google her name then the physical issue. I have her little mini book of this which I can't find atm!

"Foot issues" represent a fear to move forward. Stubbornness. And more.
She then puts a positive affirmation at the end.
I think I've read this one before but have a vague recollection.

I need the book bec the online search brings up everyone else BUT Louise L Hay's words now, since she passed away I guess.

ONE search brought up PTSD anxiety and childhood trauma!
Yeah but WHAT NEXT lol.

Take care hugs. xxxx

Hey Tay

Just doing cleaning up and moving stuff today BUT Alexa wants me to go for a walk with the kids and their new scooters ugh! I haven't told her about my foot pain.

I'm still trying to chip away at moving rooms. Since is SEEMS I'm doing this all by myself... again.
That's annoying lol and probably flaring up the pain in my feet.

Anyway, that and making some healthy food for meals today.

Definitely JUICING again monkey!

Oh I've found so many of my much loves crafting projects in this moving rooms journey and they're so sweet!
ANY that spark joy I'm keeping.
ANY THING that reminds me of demon and trauma then no - chuck in BIN.

But with all this rain for weeks, the humidity is so HIGH and the mould omg, growing everywhere!
Alexa had to scrub all her walls down bec her air con broke and she's fighting an uphill battle there.

Our air con has been on almost 24/7 EVEN when it's been cool, just to push against the moisture in the air inside.

The kids haven't helped leaving WET towels in their rooms. So doing that too.

Yvette is singing and playing her guitar lol... then she swaps it for her ukelele lol!!
Such sweet sounds. Makes my heart calm and happy.

Back to work!

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Ugh, it's enough of a hassle with one car, never mind the bunch of them you have. Are the offspring helping with it? My car is fine again, thankfully. Glad I can fall back on using my partner's when I'm having problems with her, though.

It's been a week for deep reflection, hasn't it? Ultimately these things lead to healing, so I'm glad you're having these conversations with Alexa. Sorry it's led to an old affliction reappearing though, that really sucks.

Have you been able to make your essential oils yet? I guess making a podiatrist appointment is a bit problematic over New Year. Methinks maybe a psych appointment would be the next one to make, when you can. You may not have been speaking of directly relevant things to your foot pain, but clearly the thoughts followed on and want addressing. Not what you need right now, I'm sure, but I know you have the grunt to tackle it. Prioritise your health - and please tell Alexa you're having foot trouble! Now may not be the time for going for walks, or moving furniture on your own, my dude.

Blue.

PS Happy New Year, all. Started mine with a jolly good sleep, and boy did I need it! Sleepy, what a great thing to say. You bet I'm glad not to live without a question. Questions are the root of personal growth, they are so important.