new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_4643]

Thanks Jstar, you can call me Tayla, that's my name.

Yes you're right, the forums are special. 2 of my cousins I'm referring to (there's 3 boys who are the sons, & their wives, so 2) have mental illnesses, so they should be understanding but they don't appear to be.

That's true about surviving Christmas unscathed. I slept until 2pm on Christmas Day, lazy, I know. Because I didn't care, I was depressed and didn't even feel like opening presents. I normally get excited but not lately, sigh. I feel bad for my parents because they tried but yeah.

It's also hard for my Dad because his Mum passed away on 28th December when he was in his 20s or 30s.

- Tayla.

[Guest_1643]

Hi everyone

just saying hello and sending a hug

[Guest_4643]

Hello Sleepy, sending a hug back to you and others

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Funny you should mention being a garden slave, the voucher I gave my sis was for garden work - she has no end of trouble getting help to keep her lawn under control, so I thought that would be good. I did home-cooked meal delivery for my bro, he likes my cooking a lot and doesn't do much of it himself, too much take-away in that house, he needs something proper. I know he'll be happy when he gets it. He asked if I do any Morroccan cooking - one of a few cuisines I don't know well, d'oh!

Urgh, those tactics. Sickening. Glad you're shelving the letter and not responding. Better for you and for your family.

I'm exhausted just reading about your car troubles. There are places here that will come with a trailer and pay cash for scrap cars, I bet there would be something similar there, they just want to see the rego to know it's the owner selling it. You don't get much money, but it takes the hassle out of it, have used the service a couple of times.

Here's hoping for a good outcome, contesting those fines. I know that's going to be harrowing for you. Lending you some strength to deal with that circus.

I'm a little curious about those books you mentioned, boy there are a lot of resources for me to look up. Gotta start a scroll to keep 'em on, haha.

Interesting your lads have trouble with raw egg (thankfully without other traits from their father), I have that too. Haven't always, it's developed over the last handful of years. Rude surprise, frankly, I can't lick the spoon when I'm making biscuits and cakes any more, grr!

Blue.

PS Tayla, sorry to hear Christmas has been hard on you. Your family's lack of understanding is on them, not you. I know that doesn't make it easier, but I hope you're not taking it on board yourself. Between you and me, I would have loved to sleep until 2 on Christmas, that's not lazy, you're a hero. 😉

J*, glad you're in a better place today, that nature time with your furry friend had to be a winner. As to your question re presents for ourselves, nothing for Christmas (not really worried about that one), for birthday, got my hair cut so happy with that.

[Guest_4643]

Thank you Blue's. My Parents understand, it's just other so called "family", so an Auntie & cousins, who I no longer bother with. I blocked the Auntie but the cousins are still on my friends list but I'm not going to acknowledge them anymore.

[ecomama]

Hey Tay Tay

I had a HUGE nap for like 8 hours so wasn't back to see my thread!

My Christmas was great actually!
The crappy fine... whatevs! I hate legal paperwork, guess most ppl do lol!
That's a while away to deal with so yah a future concern.

I'm compartmentalising.

My Christmas was one of the gentlest & quietest so far!

Gentle as in everyone showed love & patience with each other.
"Quiet" bec no Police were called, omg what a thing to say!

Then I wondered how many times Police have been called to Christmas gatherings over my lifetime.... I stopped counting at 5 isn't that shocking? I don't want to "go back there".

It took me to "leave" those ppl before things took a LONG darned time to improve for me mentally.
In no way was this easy AT ALL... it wasn't a case of walking away to go merrily skipping along a rose lined path... it was the opposite in fact.

Many years of feeling terribly depressed over family & nothing to guide me.
I was so alone in my path.

I did do alot of things though, ofcourse raising children was most of my time and focus.
Trying to survive the tremendous poverty demon had us in was the worst of it, trying to feed and clothe them so hard and sad for me.
I found the garden and with it a WHOLE other world.

Taking each moment as it came was important and I've now learnt to be kind to myself, this helps the MOST.

Compartmentalising is important to practise when you can Tay.

On the forums you can feel safe to "let it all out".
Same with therapists and helplines.
When it comes to regular ppl around you, it's not the same.

I use ocean & sea analogies or stories to think and express myself quite often. Sometimes gardening & nature stories.

When we have MH struggles some times we feel like we are drowning, flailing about or "going under"... it's hard to breathe & we are calling out for help.

We need others to throw us a life buoy or floatation device! We need help in so many forms; physically, emotionally, so much.

It's like that for EVERYONE suffering MH issues.
So your family members would be exactly the same.

You cannot save someone else when you're drowning. So expecting others to understand us is like expecting a drowning person to save us.

It's not that they don't care, it's that they can't because they're going under too.

Realise who CAN help and who can't atm. Put them in separate compartments.

The BEST thing you can do is SELF-CARE.
Get stronger, you can do this!

Love always
EMxxxx

[ecomama]

OH J* I HEAR YOU lol...

We live in a hilly area too. I didn't own a car till my mid 20s because I DID ride my bike everywhere.

I would do this again if not for the kid's pickups up till 2am from work. Being holiday time here now it's more dangerous for them to be out late than usually.

Sadly it's always risky for them to travel alone bec of the evil ones.
It's dangerous for me to be on a bike in broad daylight tbh. Or even cross the road, Police told me NOT to walk across the road if I could help it.
I park as close as I can to the shops and only go in day time.

I seldom ever go out at night except for in groups.

My family have extremely high security. On Police emergency call out lists etc etc. Huge metal shutters on all windows. CCTV that Victim's Services put in. Our loungeroom TV that shows all the CCTVs is on 24/7 when the kids are anxious (meaning demon et al have been circling around)... it's now been on for so many months I've lost count. Maybe a solid year now.

If I dare turn that TV off, it's turned back on within minutes by a child.
I leave it on now.

It's always recording whether the TV is on or off.

And we have a DOG! LOL... he barks at the slightest of things so he's AWESOME!

demon hates dogs lol.. he's scared of them the coward.

But in saying all that, we are getting used to our lives this way.

We had a choice of going into witness protection but I couldn't see how that would keep us safe at all. they'd find us so no thanks.

We've done well staying in the community that know us and know demon et al.

We didn't have to change schools or workplaces even tho demon et al caused havoc at all places, still tries to.... the head ppl at these places finally saw how demonising it all was and have become VERY hard instantly at demon's appearance anywhere.
My bosses called the police instantly, "Enclosed Lands Act" and all yay!

The kids still have their many friends and their friends love visiting the fortress! LOL!
Their parents LOVE that there's so much security here too.

Crazy world really. I'm one of the most peaceful ppl you could ever meet yet... one of the fiercest protectors of vulnerable beings.

I can't get my bikes to the repair shop till I have my own car back ugh!

Throw it on the to do pile I guess! lol.

All good.
Love EM

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy

HUGE hugs sweet friend.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Hey Blue

Metal recyclers here will pick up metal, there's a minimum, but they won't pay if they pick up. Fair enough.

Hopefully Alexa's car will make it!
One son's car should limp in... not sure about the other one.
We may get $200 per car to take them in IF they make it. It's only about 6klm away lol.

There's more money in cashing in Rego & Insurance. Sighhh we're going to try to do ONE car on Wed... the whole process.

SO bec p.son's Insurance company was closed today (not mine... HIS) he has to call later today. I can tell he's anxious about speaking to them so I HAVE to be with him on speaker to help him through it. Other kids want me to drive them places but I can't, I have to be with p.son.

P.son has the worst responses out of all the boys (so far) from the traumas.
He's also having a REAL hard time living down there but tries to make light of it all to keep us calm and not worry about him. 1 year left for his promise.

Your vouchers are GREAT! I'm vouchered gardening for Alexa but with the storm, we're moving furniture at her house tomorrow afternoon / night & I'm bringing dinner. Her kids are having a BALL at their rich Uncle's lol. Crikeys they had a drive in a Lamborghini omg... we're limping cars to recyclers LOL! I'M NOT quite ready for them to have rides in their helicopter tho... so funny the opposites... and BF thinks that's pretty normal. HE had a helicopter license for theirs...

where do these ppl come from? lol! I grew up with a "pit toilet" and no running water. The paradoxes are crazy, BF was sending me diamonds when we had no money for food... isn't life weird?

Ahh anyway Moroccan? cous cous with all sorts. You probably know you can cook REALLY tasty cous cous. I boil mine in stock instead of water to increase the flavour. Adding fresh parsley, raisins, any chopped veg really... omg I MUST post my recipe from dinner last night! It was the BEST Boscaiola I've ever made lol. SO CHEAP too! I'll do that soon in the recipe thread.

I LOVE the Moroccan Almond cake aka Mediterranean Orange and Almond cake but I bought almond flour in 20kg lots so it was cheaper (stored it in the chest freezer), I have my own egg & orange supply. Less eggs in Winter but more oranges in Winter lol... living in tune with nature is tricky! 8-12 eggs in that cake but SO WORTH it! It freezes perfectly in slices too.
I only baked it for birthdays / special occasions. I go all out with King Island cream dolloped on the side. YUMMO!

Hope that helps!
EMxxxx

[Guest_4643]

Hi everyone. Sorry I'm just replying now.

I'm so tired from insomnia and my meds don't seem to help that. I can't even contact my Psychiatrist because the Telehealth company is closed, and the person I normally email isn't back until Jan 11, and my GP is away also I believe, I don't know. I don't see them both until mid Jan.

I'm scared because I feel like these aren't working at all and I don't want to keep changing meds as I've already done that a few times.