new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Hi J*

Thanks for joining in, & no, I wouldn't want ANYONE to feel they had to read this entire thread, Lordy be!

We must've been writing our posts at the same time bec I missed yours.

A predicament over demon ex mil, the things I'd like to do! Including getting every part of the Bible & write it out for it! It was an ex nun you see & has never "read the Bible", said it didn't need to blah blah whatevs.

I have to keep the rotten thing in a shoe box for evidence, Police directions.

Speaking of shoes lol! YES! Although I'm NOT a centipede, I actually do wear all of them, just not all at once. I didn't buy them ALL, Alexa used to be related to some unbelievably rich people & they gave me heaps. So rich I just heard they had a spa bath cut from a single piece of quartz in Europe & shipped over.... lol!
So even tho I've seldom bought ANYTHING with "a label", we own lots of Prada etc, quite crazy.

Yeah 47 (lol) includes my gumboots, thongs & slippers. Some are falling apart but are so comfy, I think about 15 pairs will be binned next year.

I walk up & down 6 stories of stairs at work every day, up down all around. They get worn out FAST! Working FT next year, they'll be trashed soon enough.

There's a brilliant listen online but maybe for later if you're interested, it's by M.Scott Peck that brilliant Psychiatrist who wrote "The Road Less Traveled". He also wrote "The People of the Lie" and it's unapologetically Christian BUT is absolutely INCREDIBLE if you can get past certain things. THIS BOOK created a paradigm shift in me that I really needed this year. My Counsellor (who's also American like Peck and my BF lol!) was shocked that hearing about the most evil of ppl but from a psych's perspective actually FREED me.

Peck hoped that one day the Psych world would be allowed to scale "evil" along a spectrum & know the ppl who could not be helped bec they were totally consumed by evil, too far gone.
This is exactly demon, its mother & father. Plus quite a few other relatives of theirs.

My mother is not evil. She is very mentally unwell. I understand this about her. I love her but not in the "verb" sense since I can't be in her physical presence due to violence & the rest.

NC is NC. I'm NC with all of them.

NC means NO contact, not even sending pathetic bs letters back.

Thanks for joining in, I welcome yours and anyone's feedback!

Love EM

[ecomama]

Omg Sleepy!

A "menace"???

Are you joking?

You would have to be the LEAST menacing person I KNOW lol... omg. That's so crazy.

Darn it, I've never been called a "menace" lol! Maybe something to aim towards?

I've been called "delinquent" by the bank during the Courts stuff for not paying a $10 bill!!!
I called them and said that was the FIRST time I've been called delinquent in ANY way shape or form.

So ridiculous! Ten freaking dollars to a bank who'd charged me probably tens or hundreds of thousands in interest.
Who should be called a delinquent?

Needless to say I DUMPED the bank asap!
Menace.
Delinquent.

OMG.

After today I don't WANT to drive a car!
Alexa had to give my car back.
She's stressed about no one in our family knowing about buying a car.

Maybe Uncle but I think he'd drive us all crazy with THAT project! My sons are already asking Uncle to keep an eye out for cars for them in the Big City. They're far cheaper there with less klms AND less chance of rust than local cars here with all the beaches and winds.

Uncle's tickled pink to be given so many projects LOL! HAVE THEM!
This has kept Uncle off my back from spending mindlessly on extraneous house improvement items lol. But the kids have to SAVE money, so they're working stacks and lucky me is driving a billion times a day back and forth.

But Alexa is so busy she's finding it hard to Invoice her clients, with lack of time etc. So she's trying to do that while the kids are at Shep's rich relative's acreage down South.

Yvette and I are going over to help Alexa on Tuesday with her overgrown garden and housework.
The freer Alexa is to work and Invoice then the faster we get our OWN car back lol!

Selfish but not in other ways lol.

See ya round Ms Menace,
Love from your Delinquent friend! xxxx

[ecomama]

Heya Blues

Yeah those vouchers WILL bring a smile to their faces once they get the gift lol.
My sil did the same the first year and was smiling ear to ear when I was around there being her garden slave!

Oh evil ppl exhaust me.

I'm doing the whole NC with that pathetic letter.

I'm 100% certain they want a HUGE reaction! demon mil KNOWS for sure I wouldn't want any association AT ALL with their surname. Let alone the crap written in there omg LOVE written 3 times.... sickening.

I have HEARTS all over my house and garden. LOVE is and has always been my strongest motivation.

demon got in there for one of their desperate ppl conferences and told her all that. demon's stench is all over this.

a psychopath using it's minions to triangulate again.

Exhausting.

Well I promised I would do a Cinderella alot more and be in bed before midnight lol...

I have to try to get new tyres tomorrow on my car before giving it back to Alexa. Hope they're OPEN! And hope I can get a booking too!

P.son has to work out the issues with being able to register his car online tomorrow morning before heading back down South. UGH!!

My other sons went off their heads about p.son's mistakes with it all. I asked them to be kind to him bec he already feels SO bad about it. So they said nothing to him, just to me.

So the next week is looking very different to what I'd planned. Talk about making allowances for left field events happening!
Cars to metal recyclers.... 3 so far have to go there.... hopefully they can GET there and we can take number plates to cash in rego, and cash in insurance.

Plus move furniture!! lol I'll be happy if this can happen more!

Better get some sleep.

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Yikes! Em! Thats awful!

What rotten bad luck, even if it could have been worse. Poor son- he must feel bad- altho poss not bad enough....

I remember as a 20-something swiping my dads car on a post and not even considering how much it cost to fix. He probs 'should' have made me sort it. So I'm glad your p.son stayed home at least to register it. We do learn by our mistakes!

Fines are a horrible waste of money tho. Except at the library. I sort of don't mind there, even if it doesn't go twds buying books.

Thanks for the welcome.

Love

J*

[Jstar49]

Ps love Peck and the Road Less Travelled.

Shall look out for People of the Lie.

Thanks

J*

[monkey_magic]

Hi Em,

Bad luck with the fine. Once I paid for my rego but it apparently didn't go through at the road and maritines end even though my green slip company said it did. I was blindly driving unregistered for over 3 months.

I did however get out of the fine when I explained what happened. I was arguing with the police officer at the time which he didn't like very much.

On the news it was saying how many ppl forget that their rego is due. So many ppl and so many fines.

Just finished making white Christmas slice. It's now setting in the fridge.

Bought a bag of oranges y'day to make some carrot, orange, apple,ginger juice. Me and my juices, lol.

Have you been able to get to the beach. You have been busy by the sounds of things. It's quite humid today here.

How was the juice?

[ecomama]

Hey J*

I LOVE The Road Less Traveled omg lol, my mum had the book when I was young and I tried to read it but couldn't lol.

Then I borrowed a copy from my psych friend up North where we fled one time. I kept that book for 2y and dipped into it SO often!!! Trying to work out the psych make up of the demon etc... the International online forum helped me the most tho.

The People of the Lie is FAR darker tho so it comes with a ***Trigger Warning*** esp for those who've experienced childhood / adulthood trauma I think.
I only found it free online as an audio book THIS YEAR. At the perfect time maybe? IDK.

It's deep and dark and based in Christian ideology of GOOD vs evil. It's also a culmination of Peck's life's work as a Psychiatrist and based on Case Studies.

I can get past the American accent lol since those accents are part of my closest world now being my BF, my beautiful Counsellor and other friends.
Add Brene Brown and Kristen Neff!

Well p.son TRIED to sort the rego but his Insurance company is CLOSED today and I believe the mistake lands there but also son's complete inexperience in doing the entire process ofcourse.
He TRUSTS when ppl say whatever, I DON'T! And double check, quadruple check lol.

Yeah he feels REALLY Bad about this, he was bawling his eyes out and the Policeman could hear him on the phone. Son offered to pay for the fines meaning they go on his list of what to pay me BACK for.
But I'll take responsibility, just won't tell him yet! LOL, he needs to really feel it.

I'll contest it with ALL the things the Police man pointed out to me, whilst I was sitting there sweating from the heat and having rolling panic attacks. I didn't cry then, I only started to cry when telling BF about it all this morning. The Policeman escorted me driving the car to a derelict laneway and I had to leave it there ofcourse.
I just hope the poor abandoned car isn't looted, ugh.

So now we have 1 working car for over 8 ppl! And all but one working all sorts of shifts.

So I'm in the car driving even more! I need to be careful what I complain about lol!!

I AM GRATEFUL, it could have been SO MUCH worse!!!

I'll get the fines in about 2 weeks and let everyone know how my Contesting them went. I might not find out for weeks after that I suppose. Whatever lol.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Hey monkey,

With all that palaver yesterday / last night, the juices were NOT made.

Hopefully I'll make some this arv.

I have to watch my digestion closely bec of FODMAP. Too much fructose and it's an upset tummy.

I've eaten too much wombok lol, so have a dull energy from cabbage veges. Bit of a tummy ache. Lots of trips to the loo!

So juice needs to be take in low moderation for me.

Speaking of food sensitivities, looks like my multiple sons have sensitivities to raw egg!! Just like demon ugh but nowhere near as sick as a person, even physically. being a demon must make one ill lol...

But all sons had extreme stomach cramping after eating my chocolate mousse! Raw egg!
I could tell it was the mousse by the TIMING of their unwellnesses.

Now I have to make SOME choc mousses for SOME family and create an eggless dessert for the others for Christmas Day. Maybe a special ice cream dessert, store bought. I can only do SO much lol!

Anyway I was moving to a far healthier Christmas menu intuitively this year.

Better get over to the Gardening thread to report the FUNNIEST thing happening in my garden, which I only just realised.

Keep pumping that healthy lifestyle monkey!

Love EM

[Guest_4643]

Hi everyone.

Sorry to hear some of you didn't have the best Christmas, neither did I. Birthdays, Christmas, etc are always hard for me. I mostly bought my own stuff, I got some stuff from my parents but that's ok.

My Auntie, one of Dad's sisters, ruined my Christmas again by attacking me for no reason & holding my AVPD against me. I blocked her. And now my new found cousins (one of Dad's other sisters who passed away in May's Sons, & their Wives), are ignoring me too. They just say I'm a downer & talk about SI, well maybe I can't help it & I haven't had the proper therapy to be positive (CBT etc). She did this to me last year & I was trying to get a hold of my Psychiatrist who was overseas. He was concerned about me. I feel like I ruined his holiday.

[Jstar49]

Hi Em, Hi mb 20, and everyone,

I'm listening to a mix cd and Black Betty came on- love that song!

Just popped in to say hi, and I got some junk out of my system last nite and had a lovely solitary (w/dog) walk on beach this morning so am feeling heaps better.

Em I am so glad you are the sort of person that views money as energy, and you're not letting this get you down. You are inspirational, and I can tell it wasn't easy for you, esp at this time. I hope more abundance comes your way soon and esp in the area of cars and transport!

I keep determining that the next time my car breaks down I will just walk or ride everywhere- which if you saw where I live you would laugh! It's not really very practical- rural/regional small town and very hilly.... 🤔 bring on a decent electric public transport system for small towns!

mb20 I'm sorry your Christmas wasn't real good, and I'm sorry to hear that your cousins weren't very understanding. Whats your thing about effing family Em? There's certainly no guarantees.

It's very hard to find safe places when you're feeling down isn't it. That's why the forums are so special. We've all been there, and ppl can shine a light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. Well, we've all been somewhere! Somewhere awful I mean. surviving Christmas relatively unscathed is an achievment in my books- altho it does sound like you've copped a whack to your already fragile self esteem mb20. Lots of self care needed!

What pressies did everyone buy themselves?

J*