new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_1643]

Good on you EM - I love how you are just NO to their ridiculous demands. Some might be taken by surpise and just give them what they ask for... I'm impressed and happy for you that there are boundaries with this family. I'm sorry they are tiring you out so much.
Your house sounds aweosome with space and levels to house different people who can live together and still have space - I love that.
I agree Blubs seems like the market is good now to buy and some of those apartments in Melbourne's nicer suburbs are so spacious and comfy. My friend lives in one of them with her kids and it always feels spacious and beautiful. You sound like you've got some great plans.! And new flattie moving in soon!?

[ecomama]

Hi Sleepy21 and Blubes and monkey and mocha and Uncle Croix and others reading lol...

Thanks Sleepy21. Setting up boundaries is one brave move - and scary tbh.... maintaining them is the exhausting part lol!
My experience with abusers is that they never let up with their demands.
They PUSH your boundaries.
They just never stop even beyond No Contact! Some of them.
Just shows their utter disrespect for the victim, also overblown entitlement etc.

I'm seeing the "overblown entitlement" flow in from son, sure it's his exposure to such behaviours being 'normalised' but I taught him better I thought lol. I can blame "them" and I do somewhat but as I said to him it's HIS responsibility to keep his knowledge of what's right and wrong firm in his mind. There's a rabbit hole right there when we mix with ppl like this and it's a VERY slippery slope indeed.

Barricading ourselves; our values, morals, thoughts and behaviours can ALL be effected negatively by being surrounded by abusers.
His are. Tbh we don't hold out much hope for him whilst he's living there.

And if it gets him what he wants then woah... maybe no going back.

It will take BIG consequences for him to realise and not blame everyone else for his poor choices. But he's not into blaming others.... yet! lol. Not yet.

He still has strong plans to attend Uni here and do Accountancy.

We decided not to sign his phone over today, it's cheaper him being part of my family plan and I have his money to deduct the bill from lol. He's got a cold and feels pretty yuck today. He has to go back tonight and help move rooms around. The ACs and grandkids were coming over anyway this afternoon so they all get to see each other which is nice.

I hope you find a great place Blubes. Your current place sounds lovely and suitable for now, is it?
And your flattie moves in tomorrow right?
All systems go there lol.

Are you guys happy with how things are going in Victoria? I AM. And just to say it here, you guys are CHAMPIONS! You made it through. I'm proud of you all.

xxxxEM

[Guest_498]

Hey lovely ladies & any other lovely person reading this,

So, we are down to one (1) case today with ZERO (0) death. OMG, OMG. It's nearing the end, I hope - though we're not out of the woods yet as the mystery cases are still a concern. Hopefully, these will not cause further outbreaks.

So, NZ & Australia travel bubble is a one-way journey and is restricted to NZlanders flying in. Australians aren't allowed to go to NZ yet (media misinformation here).

Yes, my home is beautiful and comfortable. I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm bit OCD about my home being clean, tidy and aesthetically pleasing. It's modern, 2 levels and I style it ultra modern with touch of older-style things scattered about the place like reupholstered antique chairs etc. I picked up a Louis XV occasional chair painted in silver leaf & off-white stripe fabric not long ago (before hard lockdown with curfew) I purchased on Ebay. For the interior, I like the colour scheme of white, chrome, black and grey. Yes, very modern look. I break these colour up with touches of subdued pinks, red and blue in wall arts, cushions & throws. Mirrors & glass create illusion of space as well. There's still a lot of styling to be had, but that'll come. Costs money lol.

Lord, whites in my home & my cute, grease monkey flatmate. Omg guys. White couch, white dining chairs .. omg. lol. Speaking of which, he moves in on Monday. You said Ems "All systems go there lol". Yup, it'll be all 'system' for me alright. lol. lol.

Happy Saturday to all.

Love Blubes xx

[Guest_498]

Ems, don't you have a party this evening? It would be your last?

[Guest_498]

If I had enough money in the bank, which I don't, and could survive whilst I study, I wouldn't have to sell up. I'd be working way too hard just to meet the damn mortgage, bills, food, beauty etc. It's hard enough for a couple with 2 incomes to meet these, let alone a single income. It will not do - I won't be about to study.

As much as I would hate to see it go, I'm looking forward to a new home, location and a new life. This home holds good memories but its also marred by the CAT Team & my family causing damages to it. So, letting it go would be ok aswell.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Blubs - can understand the appeal of a fresh start. you deserve it. Sometimes a change of scenery achieves wonders. Or maybe the new flatmate will bring some new vibes! Let's see 🙂

Hey EM - how are you? How is your son? Hope ur doing okay.

Yes in Victoria.... yay. I think we are grateful and happy. I'm very disappointed that they reduced jobseeker/jobkeeper though. But i'm grateful about the mental health funding although lord knows it was overdue!

[ecomama]

HI lovelies... that covers all!

No, last party was last weekend. It turned into son's farewell party also. Yvette chose to work to avoid it altogether so yeah...

Son arrived home last night, wanted to stay till Sunday but he was harassed so much to go back & with a variation of unbelievable reasons... he went back this afternoon.
He did get to spend SOME time with grandkids & ACs but he knows what we're all thinking & not saying.. we dropped a few one liners here & there not as digs at him but making light of the situation.

I had a HIGH FIVE with Alexa because even tho I didn't WANT to be right grrr I was right in one of my predictions.
I won't make you guess... yes he was called back to help mind all the children.
WHAT THE...

Basically DEMANDED back. Son told me that yesterday they knew he was coming home & they all came down on him to help them with a myriad of ridiculousness (like they've never ADULTED before without my son omg). He just said "I'm going home, seeya!"

And came home.

I gave him a "code sentence" to use whenever he wanted to come home but had no "good enough reason" it's to ask how our dog went at the vet?
Then I'm going to make up a family event he needs to come home for.

phew hey, not good.

Anyway Alexa just brought home a cat she found wandering our street. She's skin & bone, little darling. They searched FB & found posts for a lost cat. She's been missing since September! She looks SO OLD. She's got no energy. We're feeding her BBQ chicken in my bedroom and whispering. But she purred in my arms after feed No 1 lol she's up to feed No 4 now. My kids contacted the owner and she didn't think it was her cat but is coming straight after work at 10pm... it's her cat, we know it.

Alexa said she wanted to keep her but I said she couldn't break another family's heart, Alexa agreed.
Almost 3 weeks of searching for your pet. What a miracle she survived.

So yeah. Son's gone again. There were more shenanigans disclosed to me about the family. Nothing reportable because defacto dad was already caught driving without a license. (GREAT role model!) It'll be interesting to see how they get son's car... only one licensed driver an' all.
There are 12 licensed drivers here & none of us offered.

I agreed to keeping son's phone on my plan. He was relieved, there's so much paperwork he needs to do already. I'm taking the cost from his savings I have.
He's behaving as if he's broke already. He probably is. After Week 1.

sighhh
Love EM

[Croix]

Dear EM, with a wave to Blubes~

It looks to me a bit of an ownership deal, his family is well aware there are still strong (if slightly strained) bonds between himself and you , his special sister and all, so calling him back seems right on target. I think the sort of problems are going to be overuse of his good nature, looking after the kids may be one, and a temptation to drive without a license for practical reasons. Kids sometimes have to learn for themselves, though he has a very strong safety net .

Croix

[ecomama]

Yes Croix I believe you're right.

I'm not getting involved in a tug of war. I don't need to control my son but I did inform him last week of ALL the issues I could see on the horizon for him down there.
"Babysitting" was one of them.
Hate to say I was right within a WEEK on that one. Heavens.

They'll take whatever they can get their hands on of his.
Alexa said whatever furniture goes down there won't come back, even IF Uncle turns up with his trailer in a year to bring it back... Hmmm.
I can't send Uncle or he'd end up calling the Police... better just to write stuff off if that's the case.

It's fine if the timber cupboard doesn't come back lol.

Alexa also said "(son) isn't going to get his Learner hours up down there is he?" and I said no.

I might even talk with son later on about selling his car or even saying it's mine now.

If the defacto step dad already lost his license for driving without one (with a fantastical story of why), then he may try to drive son's car also. This person had already lost all his point too.
Said to me by son like that's "normal".

I haven't reacted to that.

More info for son to have about his responsibility for his car.

He seemed pretty stressed, he goes into a "zone" when he's stressed and being harassed via text by all of them is enough to completely stress him.

They're absolute bullies and VERY greedy.

I won't bully him. I don't lol. I'm certainly not greedy over other people's things either. Or greedy at all.

He knows he has a safe haven here and can come back and leave again any time.

I bagged up some things and put them in his car. I did say he shouldn't take the car until the rego's sorted into his name and the appropriate insurance is on it.

But I can't trust communicating anything via text.
I don't even think he can talk with me over the phone in privacy.

It's looking more and more like a DV thing. Too many boxes being ticked.

I want to put up some Covey quotes about "Highly Effective People"... these qualities WERE son a while back, he's being fogged up by many manipulative techniques now.

I hope he can cope for this 12 months.
Bf said he'll only last 2 months... I think son will want to honour his promise and save face on it too, so stay the duration.

Alexa said this will be the biggest crash Course for his learning if he can see it.

EMxxxx

[Guest_498]

Naw, how good is it to be reunited with your cat after 3 weeks of searching? That's such a beautiful story. The cat will recharge its batteries as soon as it gets back home with the owner. Naww cutie patootie.

It was good that your son spent time with AC & grandkids today prior to leaving this afternoon, as the drive to and fro for visits will be pretty far and time-consuming for him. I hope he hasn't forgotten anything, either. How come son is not driving the car home, why does it need to be picked up? I must be missing some posts in between. Nevertheless, he is a young adult now and matters such as this are his responsibility. Secret code amongst the family to flag danger or anything is a fantastic idea. Good thinking Ems.

Sleepy, tomorrow's announcement will be good I think, however it'll only be gradual, tentative steps. Here's what I'm thinking... the 5km bubble will go; up to 5 ppl allowed in the home; masks will still be mandatory. I don't believe businesses will open yet (I think Dan will wait another week before he'll announce this - so next Sunday). This is my guess. We'll see.