new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_498]

I went to sleep much earlier than I've been last night. I think my body is in the stage of 'crashing', having fitful sleep patterns lately. Sleep is good and whatever sleep you can fit in is an indication that your body is yearning for it.

Sounds like a plan with downstairs as student accommodation. If I had space here I would do exactly that. But having said that, I don't like living with too many ppl - invades your space & privacy. I don't know if I could do that. I'm a private person and like my own space (though atm I crave company given covid and having no friends), so living with multiple strangers wouldn't be crash hot for me. It's an excellent plan for you though. Your house would be big enough. Your location sounds lovely, Ems - is it rural or suburb? Sounds beautiful.

Funny thing is, I was going to invest in a bike for exercise - gotta keep the legs and butt taught - but decided against it because when lockdown ends and businesses commence, I'll be back to the gym anyways, so my bike would be sitting in the garage taking up space. I can't wait to start exercising properly again.

Veggies and eggs have stood me in good stead in financially tough times and healthwise, I feel much better for it too. Aint nuthin wrong with taking meat out of your diet. I subsist on very little meat these days and I don't feel bloated or that yuck feeling. I have more energy, I feel.

Gardening .. gardening. lol. I'm terrified of slugs, centipeades, catepillars, worms - these collective nouns are eekkkkk, gross, gross, ekkkk. lol. Biodynamic garden sounds amazing though. Wish I could conquer my fears, as I'm sure I would love to garden. I'd like a green garden with box hedges and topiary trees. My heart literally like, palpitates at the sight of these creepy crawlies.

[Guest_498]

Yeh, I can see myself working until I much later in life in a career that I'll love. I can't see myself retiring too early -from mem, 65 is age of retirement these days, right? I'd have to look it up - can't see myself retiring at that age, no waayyy. What would I do all day, every day? It'll be as boring as heck.

[ecomama]

Lol you make me laugh about the "creepy crawlies" Blubes!

I saved a half dried up earth worm today... he's wriggling happily in my Chilli plant now!

Out of ALL my children only ONE has ONE fear of ONE type of insect.
Alexa and spiders lol. No, 2 - add leeches with Alexa too lol.

The rest are like me. None of them "bug" us lol... get it? bug.. oh I should be a Comedian lol.

Yeah me too about the retirement thing. Tbh the way I see it.. Covid has cost us big time and we'll all have to be paying it back for a long time.
Still it had to be done. Life is more precious than money. It is what it is.
My Super and other investments are NOT what they may have been lol.
So fortunate that I love my job so much. When I wasn't "allowed" to work, I volunteered in my job lol!

I'll get into Permaculture, Biodynamic & Community Garden Groups when I decide to go part time later.. as my so called tribute to retirement lol!

If I DID get students downstairs then I'd make that space fully independent of the top storey.
They'd be long term students over 18yo. Have their own entrances. I'd put in a kitchenette & laundry, there's already a bathroom with shower & loo.
I wouldn't mind if they shared the garden with me AT ALL.
But I'd be scrutinising any contract made between us and be pretty down the line if things began to go awry. The trains and buses nearby are a huge attraction for students... we have a Uni nearby.

We live in the suburbs (it used to be called the country when I was young lol!). We overlook a large bay and it's spectacularly beautiful. I forget how beautiful it is until someone goes out onto our balcony and gasps. God's country lol.
We have IDK 30 - 50 beaches within 40 mins drive of our house.
A short walk from our house to the waterfront. So peaceful.

We're in a cul de sac, so no through traffic. Then across the road behind the houses is National Park.. LOVE IT. lol.

The "white" side of our family has been here 160y I think.. Polynesian side about 90y and Aboriginal side... your guess is as good as mine let's say 100,000y lol! Yep in THIS area.

About gardening... my gardener is only $35 per hour. He's AWESOME too. A great co-regulator for me as I ventured into "PTSD territory" back then. I'm good to go there now at any time.

About the creepy crawly aversion I say pick your battles lol. No point in working on that for... living in an apartment really is there?
If you married a farmer then we'd be here for you lol!

Love EM

[ecomama]

Girls, just gotta tell you about this funny thing that happened today...

During the week I noticed that almost double my agreed Electricity debit was made to my credit card... (don't worry it turns out well lol)... but when I saw that I FLIPPED.

I knew I needed to calm down before phoning them.. and see how many times they've done this.

The last elec bill I read I was $400 ahead and that irked me enough... it's a 2y contract so I'd be $2000 ahead by end of next year so I was grrr.

Like WHY did they charge me double when I was ahead... grr...

SO I went back through my credit card statements... I kept going back and back and couldn't find a debit from them OMG...

WAY back in April was my last debit!

oh dear... lucky I didn't phone in that mode I was in. How wrong was I?

The other bit of info is that I had 24 solar panels installed in January... so the whole thing was confusing for me.

Basically they must've used up the $400 ahead, possibly figured in how much my panels fed back into the grid, so it only cost me $500 for 5 month's elec.
Huge family, I took the clothesline down lol and only use the drier now, kept air con on ALL during the colder months and we were home alot due to Covid.
I've never used so much elec but wow...

I'm very proud of my elec company for doing the right thing. And they really didn't have to because I signed a contract.

Wow huh?
EM

[Guest_498]

Lucky you didn't make the call, esp in that foul mood of yours, too. Im considering going solar but I cant afford it atm even with govt rebate. That rebate is due to end also thanks to Morrison. Ugh
Lol .. Comedian? Yep, as I will not being marrying a farmer thabk you very much!! Im a "metro" gal who loves painting my nail, eyelashes and fashionista - my little hands are not touching no cow manure or cows udder for milk, thank you very much. I like that bugs don't bug you though. 😆😆
Again, the student accommodation sounds perfect idea. Gotta spend money to make money. I like the idea very much.

[ecomama]

HI Blubes!

Well it's no joke but "tha car" thing has turned in to a LOT more... within 10 mins of son being home. (Oh thanks mama ugh).

Apparently that family want alot of his ahem MY furniture... oh my God.

Son's room was the only room without built ins. He had 2 matching wardrobes in there but one had broken this year. I bought "him" another one, he put it together etc. It's nice.

But it actually belongs to the HOUSE or me more like it.
UGHHHHHHH I wanted to scream. But didn't. I just said "What you mean that wardrobe?" That needs to stay in this room.

Oh and a few other things.... like what? Oh IDK.... (well I WANT to know).

Tha car
Tha caravan... lol now
Tha war-drobe! Grrr.

I said I'd empty a more sturdier wardrobe from downstairs WITH some warning, THEN they can pick it up.

I was thinking mmmm HOW will he get all this furniture back home if he's only staying a year?
It's a darned long drive!

And there are THREE subjects he has to study online now... out of 5.... not much point in paying fees IMHO but there it is.

Blubes about the solar panel rebate... just FYI... they offered me a 3y interest free loan (I don't do loans usually like this BUT when it's interest free I do lol better my savings sitting against my mortgage in an offset account)... so I took it. $45 per fortnight.
I organised this all a year ago so my memory might be a little foggy... That's been my only outlay from memory.
I think I got around $8000 rebate or it could have been $6000 sorry bit foggy... it was alot.
24 panels. Big roof!

But if it saved me over $800 in elec costs then I'm pretty blown away by that... like I said we've never used THIS much elec before lol.

BUT IF you are selling, IDK I wouldn't commit to this. I don't think it would greatly INCREASE your sale price.... maybe you can ask and Agent?
And not give them your number lol... I made that mistake ONCE. Never again.

Love EM

[monkey_magic]

Sounds like you're in a prime location Em. Wow I'd love to explore your area.

I love all that getting dirty stuff. I wear makeup- everyday since I was a teen, except if no one sees me..and do my hair but I'm also a nature girl. Have spent most of my life in the suburbs/ city but I'm drawn to the farms and beaches.
Love animals, even though we don't have any here.

I lived near the water when I was in Qld, I used to walk there and spent a lot of time in it, even though there were bullsharks,stingrays, and large turtles.
I prob wouldn't do that these days though.

Now it's the lap pool.

[Guest_498]

So when will he be due to pick up the car? Will you give him the wardrobe? Why cant the nuckle head family provide him with a wardrobe? And, no don't sign anything with them.
As for the solar panels .. I did consider it but na, I'll be selling, so no point.
Been looking at some apartments on realestate.com for inspiration and theyre pretty cheap in this climate.

[ecomama]

Hi monkey_magic!

I'd LOVE for you to come and explore "my area" too lol! I share it lol.

My bf describes it as "paradise" but then again he hates the snow and said living in Antarctica would be paradise if I was there with him lol. Still he loved being here. He's from San Diego originally, so he LOVES the heat.

We have more rainfall and humidity than San Diego.

I've got stained hands from helping Uncle today with the "Glass House Renos" lol! All black with this stuff... but the room is getting there! About another year maybe lol! IDK. It's going well.

We have farms starting about 10 mins away and TONS of beaches. Stacks.

Lol the lap pool... great safe place! Some times I can see sharks swirling around schools of fish in the bay out from my house. In the bay to the right of us is a breeding ground for sharks, that's where I grew up. I love sharks lol.
I have all my limbs but my Nanna taught me all sorts of signs to look out for about sharks... not just fins lol.

I saw lots of sting rays and blue ringed octopii when I was younger. My family all owned boats and were fisherman, many weeks spent on the water, sleeping on the boats etc.
Since having so many children, the beach was not the safest place to take them all.
My older children are all beach babies and can surf. My younger ones not so much except for Yvette - I call her my Mermaid with hair to match.

Now they're all workaholics, my father's family's trait coming out... yeah with me too.
When we can't handle our emotions or our situations? we work work work.
My Uncle is from that side and he laughed when I pointed it out to him today.
He got to see the kids for a "Hi Uncle!" and 15 mins later "Bye Uncle!" and he said where are they going, I said to work! They lined up for showers, they wash, dry and organise each other's uniforms for work (NOT school lol) and then they're outta here like a group tornado.

They "work together like a well oiled machine" as I commend them on. Real team members.

Come North again young lady.. you'll love it!

Love EM

[ecomama]

Blubes, I KNOW right?
He's home NOW. I picked him up from the train station tonight. Then drove him straight to his old work where his siblings are all working tonight.
Tbh I think that depressed him a little.

Within 10 mins of being home, tha "war drobe" convo came up.
LOL... fool me once... yeah I was prepared for the crap.
I'm NOT giving him the new wardrobe.
He gets one of the old wooden ones from downstairs.

pfffft THAT family GIVING?.... turn that thinking on it's head Blubes... that family only TAKES.

The arrangements to pick up son's car has changed 6 times now in 5 days. Couldn't organise themselves out of a wet paper bag.
I'M NOT DRIVING IT DOWN THERE.

The mother forgot the kids went back to school this week and she thinks having 2 MORE kids will help her?
Darned shame for the kids IMO.

Nope. If they want the war drobe and son's car then they'll have to come and get them both.

Let's just see what else they want to take.

Atm he's living out of his $400 suitcase - I hope THAT comes home. He wants to take another one because they AREN'T picking him up this weekend. He has to take more stuff down on the train and can't carry garbage bags - I wouldn't make him either. He may have to change trains and platforms twice.
Plus probably catch a bus at the other end on top.

I ain't signing nuttin' that makes me financially liable Blubes. NO WAY.

I AM signing over his phone to him so he can pay for it now. Diddums hey? So ALL the other kids get their phones paid for until they finish Uni.
I've got all phones on a family plan with unlimited everything (Alexa bartered well!). Now he'll have decide on how much data he can afford to pay for etc.

I DO feel bad drawing this line. But I won't be funding a train wreck as I said.

Uncle lives much closer to this place... he owns a trailer and when son moves home (bf gives it 2 months but I think son will stay to keep his promise to gf of 1 year only - pity it was in his last year of HS!)... so Uncle will pick everything up of son's in one fell swoop and bring it all back home.

Atm he's sharing with 3 other boys... fun! He had the BIGGEST room in the house being the eldest by 2 minutes to his next brother lol. And all on his own. With the kid's TV they all paid for and all the online gaming stuff. There's another set of upgraded stuff the other boys paid for and they live downstairs and LOVE it lol.
They'll enjoy the "Glass House Room" more than any of us.

AWESOME properties are cheaper atm!

xxEM