new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_498]

Hi Croix,

You mentioned that your parents disinherited you in two of your posts. I'm sorry to hear that however, pleased that they did you a big favour by doing so. Instead of feeling 'white-knuckled' (using Ems word) from being abandoned, it has forced you to grow up fast and take care of yourself. This could be a good and bad thing simultaneously. Good that you've become mature and wise, bad that you've lost your enjoyment in early years. I'll second Ems, you DESERVE love and friendships with your marriages. You're deserving of them. 🙂

Blubes

[ecomama]

Thanks Blubes, now I'm home I feel like crying again. We didn't only lose son, we lost his gf too.

Alexa said she felt betrayed by son like he'd been unfaithful by lying and deceiving us.
She asked if I felt the same.
No. Not like he'd been unfaithful, no. But most definitely shocked by the way he could all of a sudden be in deep cahoots with a set of families not his own.

Yvette had today off school, she just couldn't cope. I phoned her at my break. She was dulled and quiet. When I got home she had cleaned her room completely, wow!
Brought notes for me to sign for school.
She took every shift available to avoid being home entirely since son's news.

Now my other boys are not home 2h after they were supposed to be.

It's hard being home without them here.

I asked how he went at the School Orientation, he said the school is really cool.
(I took girl from work's advice..) and replied very positively too.

There are less and less children here and I've spent over 30y of my life being a mother.

Alot of that time being a single mum. Even when "married" I had to do everything for the kids.

I'm not saying this to garner sympathy... just to say it... I don't know how to "be" I really don't.

Yes I spoke with bf and yes he was very kind and very upset too. He knew of the stories and was shocked too.

I made the decision not to speak with him as often and told him that.

As uncomfortable as real life is here atm, I have to BE in it. I need connections but I have tried so hard this year. To no avail. I found out how ill my friends are. I will remain in contact ofcourse until they're no longer with us.

Alexa suggested something for us to do together - a business proposition - but my work will not allow it. Not unless I am FT.. silly rules really. Even THEN I need to seek approval.

But the happiness factor I was seeking, I can't find. Not now I guess.

Maybe it's elusive for me.

Bf still intends to live here one day. But the requirements for that to happen may be unattainable. IDK.

Maybe if I stop dwelling on the problems... (I TRY not to!)... maybe then I'll have some peace.
Next problem lol... sorting the change of bedrooms.

Love EM

[Croix]

Dear Blubes~

That's very kind of you to say so, though in actual fact it just means there were two deluded females among all the billions on this earth.

As you would know, to find those you thought loved you turned out to be dry and alien is shattering.

I'm not sure I missed out on much, as a youth I felt it was an ordinary household, my assumption I guess, though in fact it was not, my parents seeing them selves as upper crust with strong ties to church and society (I came along just after the war where English society was very different from today).

What caused the rift? my intended was not "good enough". Well they were wrong and although I then realized there never had been love at home now I was going to someone where love was genuine (even if I did have to do all matters pertaining to the nappies:)😣. My own fault for being the only one who could get the ancient twin-tub to work.

There is no more depressing a sight as rows of cloth nappies on the line in the rain.

In middle age I remarried after my first wife died. So I'm blessed and say so on the Forum so others can take heart. (I did dither about this at first not wanting to have others see how sad their situations where). I'm also blessed there are no more nappies!

I'm sorry you are on your own at the moment, your ex-flatmate sounded very nice. Flippers crossed the replacement is as congenial. Some can be by themselves, I'm not one of them (and I have a sneaking suspicion EM is not one either).

I hope you are good at law (yes of course I hope you enjoy the study and getting there). I can't see you as one who is in it just to make money and believe many would benefit from your senses of priorities and fair play.

You will notice I squandered another emoji from my precious hoard

Croix

[Guest_498]

Oh sweetie,

Cry as much as you want. I'm so sorry darling, my sweet darling. xx I'm here for you hun.

Try relax your mind, don't think about the 'hoodwinking' family, your son deceiving you etc... relax that mind of yours bbg, you've have a BIG few days and week. Self-care time now and be in the here and now for you and your other children. 🙂

NOTHING anyone says here is seen as garnering sympathy, so get that out of your head please missy!! We're here for you.

Love Blubes x

[Croix]

Dear EM~

I've a pretty good idea how family oriented, matriarchal and just plain busy thing have been for you up to now. With your innate desire to do good and set the world to rights for those you are close to I cannot see this ever changing. I doubt you will ever have "time to find our who you are"

Between the odd adult child returning from time to time, and others who you feel compelled to help I think it will be business as usual.

With your son and his gf. Yes you would be shocked, particularly as her attitude and family history was one of entitlement. This may be the first time your son has been seriously exposed to that culture, it has its attractions, I'm sure however you have built strong foundations of your values into him. I guess time will tell.

The trust sounds an excellent idea.

If I might suggest when going though all those bedrooms and other places you are renovating keep an eye open for things you will enjoy in the future, and give thought how to have them to hand or on display when all is settled.

Croix

[Guest_498]

Uncle Croix,

I now understand your story with family. Yes, it is heartbreaking and shattering, to say the least. Family can hurt you so much. I'm devastated that's for sure.

I hope I'm good at law lol. I have yet to decide whether to practice as a lawyer or writing and advising policies - we'll see, I'll know soon enough.

Yes, so my ex-flatmate moved out but we've been in contact and he was here on the weekend to hang out. He got some chocolate icecream and watched a movie together. My new flatmate was here not too long ago to drop off some things. We caught up, small talk. We get along well, I believe. So far so good. He'll be officially in here on Monday.

Blubes

[ecomama]

Hi Blubes

I drafted a happy birthday text to son's gf last night, sent it this morning. A simple text. I hope that family is good to her today - I don't expect they will be. She said she's never had a birthday party with friends.. I had bought birthday party things for one her to surprise her.

She told me this when we had a party for another son's gf this year. She was so surprised. It was lovely.

I've lost 2 children. Now all those things will go into the party cupboard unused.

I'm really not doing well. I fell asleep after writing here and slept for 5h. I just couldn't wake up!
the kids grabbed some leftovers for dinner but most were at work.

Yvette and I cried when I woke up. I realised this morning that the son who left was the only one who helped her with her homework. IDK how to do all the tech stuff. He did.

I'm really just trying to take the next breath atm.

Son texted after I asked some questions. Yes he said the new school is "cool", then when I asked if they offered ALL his subjects (he's half finished here for his HSC) he said 2 he has to do in "online learning" because they don't offer them.

That's really awful because he doesn't have a laptop and now has to do 2 challenging subjects on his own and pay for school fees... expensive school fees. Just to get that family free and discounted fees for their other children.

Very much white knuckling it.

Thankyou Blubes
Love EM

[ecomama]

Thankyou Croix

Of all my children, that son is the one least like the rest of our family culture. He does have more of an "entitled" nature, his multiple birth siblings even, even being identical - are so far less like this. Much more generous in nature. Offering help and time..

The son who left DID have generosity of spirit with Yvette. This was beautiful and warmed my heart very much.

But he's also single minded. Where he is is what he thinks about. When he's been away it is weeks before he's contacted us and only in response to a text from us.... much later if at all.

He can't help his nature.

But I did say I have to assume he loves me, I wouldn't know it otherwise. He apologised and hugged me and sent a text later saying him leaving is no reflection of the value of he knows I have and how much love he feels.

He also did say that he knew we'd be upset but nowhere near as upset as we ALL were, including grandchildren. He's always had issues with empathy.

The mousewheel activity of running up back rent and leaving only to do it again and again, I can see is already in the pipeline sighhhh. They told me they are moving AGAIN in March next year.
So in the middle of his final year at school he will be moving house again. So he'll be moving house once now and then in 6 months time... to big moves at a bad time when I kept his home stable all his living memory. He moved here at 1yo.

One thing I know about myself is that I am maternal. My work involves supporting families for long periods, I'm still in touch with some after 30y.

I Pray my work will continue no matter what happens in my personal life. I have a HUGE mortgage now because of demon... I intend on working till I drop lol. There aren't many options for me moving forward tbh.

I'm keeping things in our rooms that give us creative outlets. My room will be bigger for that. Not sure if it will give me joy though. I'll keep tabs.

Growing organic food for my old age, to feed me, will. I'll rejoin my trading group and trade excess as I've done before.

Anyway the son who I thought was leaving next year has changed his plans alot. He told me Sunday night. He may change his mind, that's ok, but I was shocked because I was preparing for HIM to be gone next year lol... topsy turvy. He sees the sense in staying here and saving money etc.

Work now... gotta go, thankyou.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Well it gives me little comfort but the Deputy Principal called me and spoke with the same shock and used the word "Blindsided" also.

This Deputy is usually tight lipped and reserved but today she was NOT. We use the term "cone of silence" which she used and said she can't believe they're moving in with THAT family after everything she's been told.

They're putting in another Welfare Report for the children in that family.

Son is 18yo so no Welfare Report for him but she said she holds "grave concerns" for their safety.
Yeah me too!

The dad gf was living with also told the worst stories and now supports the move?
Yeah doesn't add up.

Deputy also said that none of the parents (there are a few) "have the capacity to look after the kids".
I know.

The Deputy said that she feels for me as a mum and they care about me too. That was a really lovely thing to say (and I didn't cry lol). Also they're going to follow up with the multiple birth siblings tomorrow and also Yvette and the other children.

She also said she knows how hard I fought through Courts for years to keep stability for the kids - this shatters son's stability.
Yeah I know.

They said the school will wrap their loving care around the children still there and do whatever they have to do to support them.

Uncle is insisting he come up again this week. I'm not happy tbh. I know that sounds ungrateful but it's too much this week and he won't take no for an answer. I've confined it to a 1 day visit. I'm hoping the visit can help "ground" me with hard work. At least the room will be closer to completion I hope!

I'm home feeding my blind chicken... she calls out when she can hear my voice and the kid's voices and we have to find her (she gets lost in the garden) then I feed her again. Little darling.

Love EM

[Guest_498]

It would give you some comfort that the deputy principal is so supportive and protective over your children and you, too. It's always great to have someone like that looking out for your children, as it helps ease your burden somewhat. Great that she cares enough. Good to hear.

Your blind chook sounds so sweet. How adorable getting lost in the garden. Naw. Gorgeous.

Uncle is not hearing you is he? I hate the thought of how much he's going to stress you whilst he's there. Ugh. Restricting it to one day only doesn't sound like a bad idea at all.

I hope you feel bit better today.

Blubes