new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_1643]

Hi lovely EM

the family of the gf do sound like a big stressor and just a lot to manage.
A big family I guess - lots of survival instincts there and just making things tricky to manage. I hope you are okay. The deputy principal sounds like a good person - it's always amazing to encounter people in education, or health services who honestly care and try to protect young people. I'm hoping your son is okay and that you see a lot of amazing things for him in his bright future.
I remember being his age and having really intense romantic relationships.. finding my way.... i didn't have anyone at all, and he has a proud and beautiful mama bear 🙂 Hoping that will hold all your brood in good stead!

you're doing an amazing job sending you cheers and hugs and sparkles too. To decorate your nails with 🙂

[ecomama]

Hi Blubes, Sleepy21 and other lovelies reading...

I'm feeling less distressed tonight, kind of.. what a God awful measure that is... After feeding blind chicken and all kids are working again tonight, do you BELIEVE that? ... recently the boss said they wouldn't cope without the "ecomama family", they'd have to close up shop... only joking but heavens.

THE UNIFORMS for their work.... 2 loads per day at the moment!

Yvette has gone from 1-2 shifts up to FIVE this week and 6 last week... one uniform lol.
Other sons worked up to 42 hours last week.
See what I mean about it being a family trait to throw ourselves into work when we're distressed?... it works for x long then doesn't. I told them that.

I napped when they all left. Sleep helps. ABC iView helps too.

I sent a text to son telling him to phone the school asap tomorrow. (I never normally tell my kids what to do... so ugh).
I shouldn't have to clean up his mess.

I held back saying anything Deputy said.... man she knew she was breaching confidentiality but she knows I won't break that trust. I work in an Allied "Industry" alongside supporting schools.
She knew by disclosing what she knew, she would then have to tell me she's reporting.

PLENTY of reports have already been made.

I held back texting son "Not my circus, not my monkeys" lol no offense intended on our monkey_MAGIC because she's a magical monkey and amazing and brilliant too lol.

Son texted back and sounded depressed. I think with ALL the costs mounting he knows what I said was correct, his savings will be gone in a blink. No job either. Hard times.

Deputy said he'll fail the 2 subjects he has to do online and I said ofcourse he will.
He doesn't even have a laptop for homework. But fancy paying expensive school fees for 2 out of 5 subjects with NO teacher? OMG... I also said "So son is paying for the privilege of failing his HSC and then the pleasure of having to fork out for Uni fees for the Bridging Course after that".
She said Yep, you see what I see.

That stuff was the mild stuff. I haven't said what Deputy disclosed - what I already knew.

I need some sparkles for my nails lol... they're actually numb since painting them. Oh well another sensation to ground me I suppose!

Uncle.. Yvette thinks HE thinks he's supporting us through this so wants to visit more often lol. Darling man. He does his absolute best. I'm pushing thru with "Manifestation" thoughts of a lovely room to enjoy.

No green wall but that's fine.

Love EM

[Guest_498]

Sweet Ems,
I'm so pleased you're feeling less stressed today. Excellent. I know it's rough atm but like Sleepy said your son has a proud & beautiful mum!! Believe that. Take this and stand in good stead, bbg.

[Guest_1643]

Hey EM - i'm glad you got some sleep, thinking of you and your self-care after you had a stressful few weeks. You're doing great!

"Sleep helps. ABC iView helps too."

- so true.

[ecomama]

Thankyou Sleepy21 and Blubes

I replied early this morning but my post disappeared.

Thankyou for the sparkles.

Feeling much worse.
EM

[Guest_498]

oh Ems,

Is there anything that will cheer you up atm? I'm feeling down too. From time to time, I just feel like I'm stupid, dumb and not a worthwhile person. I feel this way today.

[ecomama]

Blubes why do you feel this way?

Why are you saying those things about yourself? Did those awful things come from someone else saying them to you?

Please don't. It hurts me to hear you say that about yourself. You know that's not true!

Nothing is cheering me up. I'm just sleeping alot and feeling tired when I'm awake.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: Triggers and shattered family

Today was probably the worst day of triggers because of texts from son's school again, I had to phone them, many texts with son and he was not answering me directly, so I realised he was trying to deceive me.

So there I was trying to be focussed at work, only to be bombarded with texts I had to respond to ASAP as they were demanding this from me. I had to phone the school TWICE and deal with the normal run of stuff for the other children DURING my work hours on top.

I felt harassed and triggered by these texts.

It's not fair that I should have to constantly clean up a mess I didn't create.

I am SO sick of this. It's just not my responsibility! He's "an adult" like 'they' pointed out - well as expected NONE of this is being dealt with by responsible people.
So I have to. NOT FAIR.

Today I got angry. It didn't last long. Long enough to text son to stop lying to me. Then no response.

I'm being calm at home. There's no one losing their temper or stuff like that.

What's happened this week is now clear.
My family is shattered.

None of the kids are coming home straight after school like they used to. They're allowed to stay out and hang out with their friends but they've never done this more than once a month or so. Not all of them at once either.

They'd hang out here and chat even if they had to go to work and if they didn't, they'd play games and do their homework together, eat dinner etc together.

This week, every day no one's home. No one.

I haven't bugged them at all about it.

Again the vase of our family has shattered and the shards have flung out in different directions.
Not even the adult children (ACs) keeping in touch.

This will be the first Thursday in I can't remember when that none of them have come for dinner.

The ACs put more than usual in to their siblings 18th birthdays this year, buying big balloons with 18 etc...
They're not even asking how I am or how anyone else is or whether I've heard from son.
Nothing.
3 Days before responding to a text from me asking how they're going.

When the kids get home they go straight to sleep.
Or they're at work.

Love EM

[Guest_498]

It's called depression love. Depression is seeping in for you. 😞 No, no one has said anything, I just feel like a complete bone head at times. I guess this comes from my childhood abuse and I guess I believed I was dumb. Idk, I just feel stupid from time to time.

I get upset when you're feeling flat too, Ems. You're usually so bubbly and cheerful and to see you like this makes me wanna cry too. The home feels sad at the moment with everyone impacted by son's affairs. No, it's not fair on you or fair on the children either. Thinking of you all.

Love Blubes

[ecomama]

Yes I believe it is depression. I actually thought about seeing my GP for meds but I've tried them twice before and it was awful. The consensus was they don't work for me.

Seriously as a parent it can feel like I have to get up and brush all this off me and apologise to son (not sure what about tho) and get on with it.

Yvette cried again to me... sighhh.... she was really was closest to this son. She misses his kindness to her.

I hate that the only time I'll see him is to sever the ties more, because he wants that. No nice time to look forward to, just "business and paperwork" yuck stuff to sever him.... awful. Meaning that he needs "this and that" done for him so we have to do that together. His demands not my doing.

He's been used to me paying for everything and is getting the shock of his life about how much things cost.

He said he'd come home on the weekend because he needs to do this stuff but after today I think he won't come. That family want his car so they'll probably pick it up. IDK. Such a mess.

But what also hit me big time today was the absolute knowledge that this whole plan has been in the works for a LOT longer than a week as he told me. It's just not true. I asked for him to tell me the truth and thinking he was protecting me or doing me any favours by lying was NOT what I want or need in my life.

Yvette said son needs more money. It's always going to be this way but he can't get it from me.
Working 3 days covers the mortgage and some utilities, the rest is from my savings and they're almost gone now with Uncle spending like there's no tomorrow.

I don't think there's any other way for me but to return to work full time next year. I hate mucking my bosses around like this... I'll leave that for now.

Love EM