new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_498]

Awesome to hear about 'grey area' 'prodigal child' son. Excellent. Hope he won't change his mind.
Have you got cctv cam yet? Please organise to have that chked out.
Xx

[ecomama]

No, they're shut today - Public Holiday.

I have to organise a few things at once there. So I'll talk with my Uncle first then get a list then call the CCTV guy.

The Builder wanted cash ready at 7am tomorrow to pick up and buy the materials for my shelves he's building tomorrow.

I think I have more to move.
Son moved the kayaks today all by himself little darling.

We also have the Council pickup tomorrow night! YIPPEE!
But MORE had to go out lol.

We're not allowed to take it up to the curbside until THE night they told us or we can get in trouble.
It's all caked in our long driveway atm a HUGE mess lol!

We're allowed I think 4 cubic metres of household waste per year... We're pushing it. It's much more than that I think.
More like 8 lol.

Oh well, they'll leave what they will. I can take that to Alexa's skip bins.

Plus up to 6 cubic metres of green waste if there's not household. But the WAY we have to leave green waste is a pain. I don't do it.

Getting a bit anxy about Uncle coming.
He gets in my face.

Only one son home tomorrow - the rest are working or away on holidays.
That son who's home is working till 1am every night so he won't want to wake up to help - UGH.

Oh well, I'll deal because I have to lol.
it's ONLY 2 days and 1 night (so far) so it'll be over by Thursday.

Gotta get more stuff up from the garden for Council.

Love EM

[Guest_498]

Have an early night, tonight Ems - if you can.
About your uncle, I know he would be causing your anxiety. I feel the same way with any of my family members when I was in contact with them. Can you get someone to help with gardening or somethibg whilst hes there?
Blubes

[ecomama]

I did go to bed early, it was good!

I'm awake now bec of pains in my oesophagus. The damage was done by ex directly.
I'm having an appt with a specialist that's been put off for months due to covid. It's in Nov now.
They do "routine" colonoscopies & endoscopies.

This Uncle is from the "nice side" of my family. The supportive side, albeit there's very few ppl in that family.

I booked the Builder to be here at the same time all of Day 1.

Then my gardener Day 2 - he could only come in the afternoon. I have Counselling in the morning anyway. Uncle prob won't like that but too bad, it's important.

Uncle is so intense. My Aunty lowers his "in your face-ness" but she won't be here.

I really think that just like bf, my Uncle craves attention, like FULL ON attention. I find many men exactly like this. My gardener isn't like this, he just gets on with it.

Looks like my Uncle could be correct about the weather! He said the forecast was for rain, so he will leave it till the last minute to decide whether to come up or not. Then changed his mind again and said he would come up and do "inside work" if it was wet. There's LOTS to do inside and outside lol.

IDK I just feel like my 'personal space' is invaded nowadays... I've only had kid's friends stay here for years and years. They're FINE.
I used to have my friends from interstate stay here alot then demon made it REALLY uncomfortable for them, telling lies about me, I didn't find out for years why they stopped coming.

Feeling pretty ill atm. Hope this discomfort settles.

Only joking about the U.S. guy lol. Nice to have someone who supports same as us.

EM

[Guest_498]

How is your discomfort today? I hope you're feeling better. yeah 'in your face' ppl do invade your space BIG TIME!! What do you do? Gosh, I don't know.

[Guest_498]

People telling lies about you behind your back and destroying your good reputation and having people not wanting anything to do with you is something I know well. I understand the devastation. I know what you went through. Glad you're not with him anymore. I'll be even happier if he stayed away. I don't like narcissists. Theyre horrible.

[ecomama]

I wish demon was merely a narcissist.

He's a psychopathic one.

I received some hollowing news from my son today.
I can't say it.

Its not about demon.

I'm in another dimension tbh.

I was blindsided. Completely.

Yvette is bereft. I haven't been able to stop crying or stop thinking about it since he told us.

Alexa is in shock. Her children will not cope. None of us will.

My other children are all at work and will not believe me. It's really too much.

My Uncle has been supportive. He had kind advice. I miss my extended family so much at times like this.
And I can't tell a soul.

Our family was totally shattered years ago by demon... now the shards are breaking off.

I have my Counsellor tomorrow.

I held all my babies in the hospital when they were born and looked at them and said "You'll be gone in just a moment" meaning all grown up, leaving home. Gone.

I can't believe it. It only takes a minute. Then your hands are empty and numb.

[Guest_498]

I hope you are ok Ems. I hope your son will be alright. Thinking of all of you in this terrible time. Ill have you in my prayers tonight.

[ecomama]

Thankyou Bluberry.

I can't even tell you. Anything I write could be misinterpreted.

We've had so many tears tonight.

Even our pets won't leave son's side.

To think this morning I didn't know, yet I woke up ill.

[monkey_magic]

Hi Eco,

I just read that you've been feeling ill and something happened that ended up leaving you all in tears.

I'm sorry to hear about this sad time. Sad is probably an understatement.

One think I've picked up about you is your strength. It's there to draw upon when the going gets tough.

It's really good that you have the support of a councillor as well.

Lets us know how you go with your injuries. It was hard to read that demon caused this again I couldn't be happier he's no longer living there.

Sending you lots of loving & healing vibes

🤗💗👣🍀