new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Thankyou monkey

I've had less than 2 hrs sleep. I had nightmares. One was that I was in a forest full of the most dreaded weeds around our feet and I was trying to follow son but he kept falling over and getting injured. I couldn't help him because the weeds were tangling my arms and legs, I couldn't break free and I couldn't yell or speak.

I couldn't reach him. I tried so hard and with everything I had but I couldn't get to him.

The weeds swallowed me up and wrapped around my chest.

They trapped me and I couldn't move.

Son never even looked at me. He kept walking away.

He had to sleep in my bed last night so Uncle could have his bed.

I must have been crying and struggling in my sleep.
Son rubbed my arm and said I'm sorry mum.

I woke up and started to cry so came outside to the balcony to cry and not wake anyone up.

I'm utterly devastated.

Yesterday after son told us. I comforted Yvette who had locked herself in her room.

Then I went to the waterfront.

When I came home I saw dirt on the floor and began to sweep it up and just cried and cried thinking "If only I cleaned better, If only I did something better, this wouldn't be happening. If only I was a better mum"

I don't know how to be a better mum. I've tried everything.

I took 4 month's leave the day after this son showed tremendous trauma responses and couldn't get out of bed 4y ago. I had no idea what to do so I held him in my arms on my lap and rocked him like a baby as he sobbed. I tucked him into bed 20 times a day. I fed him and bathed him because he couldn't so anything for himself. Only cry.

SO many moments of his life flash through my mind. SO MANY beautiful moments.

He used to get so ill with vomiting and diarrhea but I didn't know demon was poisoning us. I used to change and wash him as he was too weak to move.

I kept his garden toy he loved and slept with as a child. He tried to throw it out once but I got it out of the bin and put it back in the garden. I pat it when I'm gardening. I miss my little babies in the garden with me.

What he told us yesterday can't be undone.

The family I was working so hard to hold together has smashed. Again.

Fog moved in last night. We never get fog. I've never seen it here on the water, not in 30 years.

It's still here this morning. My nature is reacting to us. But we can't be comforted.

I'm worried this will end Yvette. This is her favourite brother by far. She's so close to him.

[Guest_498]

Your stresses are manifesting in your sleep with terrible nightmares. I still get nightmares & night terrors.
I don't know what has happened and the bombshell that was dropped but can only imagine how terrible the news wouldve been.
You do all you can to provide and protect your children, all of them. So how can you even question "if only I was a better mum"? Don't.
I prayed for you last night.

[ecomama]

Thankyou so much for your Prayers. I'm Praying too. Thankyou xxxx.

Thankyou also monkey for saying I have strength... I couldn't respond to that early this morning it was all too much.

I thought about that comment of yours all day and your Prayers Blubes reminded me to still my mind and be present.

I had no strength left.

Beyond the cathartic observation of you Blubes about me working hard to clean things out...
I was in SUCH a hurry to try to make this home comfortable, homely, warm and loving.
Not the demonised demolished tip demon made of me, my babies, our home and garden.

I worked with Uncle then had phone Counselling. I took my cup of tea and drove to the waterfront.
Thank GOD she phoned right on time... I was intensely desperate for her to call.

I was so desperate all night and early morning that I nearly called a helpline about 15 times.
I spent hours awake in the ded of night just staring at the water from my balcony.

I can't believe that "evil" has come from a different set of people now... I didn't trust them, but didn't think I needed to. Nor protect my children from this attack. And robbery of the worst kind.

Alexa is still in shock, so much so that she can't deal at all. She's terrified of the trauma this will cause her children and I am too. My self and my other children here are deeply traumatised.
Beyond words.

I was worried that it was ONLY the PTSD causing these responses. My psych friend and Counsellor both said no. This is a deeply traumatising event for any parent and family.

Yvette cried all the way to work in my car and I cried too.

My darling gardener was so sweet and kind. We smashed the last huge area of lantana... not the roots yet.... then I found another one growing. Just one.

So I realised today that I've put all my anger and frustration and contempt into sweating hard in my garden - hoping to create a safe sanctuary for us all. Putting these huge horrible feelings into creating something beautiful... and Uncle helping but now IDK why this has happened.

Alexa has so many questions for son. He hasn't spoken to her even though she asked him to.

Tomorrow is another day. Uncle stayed another night.

Even with all the "building site" look of the place. Yvette and I have decided to change everyone's rooms around, rip up carpet, paint furniture, forge something out of our deep grief and relentless sadness that just can't seem to go away.

Alexa is coming early to help tomoz.

I miss you all.

Love EM

[Guest_498]

Its ok youre not good company. Its expected.
Great to see you spend time with Alexa & uncle today. Hang in there.
Blubes

[Birdy77]

Dear EM,

I haven't posted on this thread before, but i have read a lot of your posts.

The distress and anguish you are currently experiencing absolutely leaps from the page.

I am so sorry for what you are going through right now.

I know you do this already, but just a reminder to take strength and peace from the bature that is surrounding you.

Your beloved garden sanctuary, that you have been clearing and nurturing, let it now nurture you. Amazing the way the fog rolled in ....

A poem by Wendell Berry:

"I go among trees and sit still.
All my stirring becomes quiet
around me like circles on water.
My tasks lie in their places
where I left them, asleep like cattle.

Then what is afraid of me comes
and lives a while in my sight.
What it fears in me leaves me,
and the fear of me leaves it.
It sings, and I hear its song.

Then what I am afraid of comes.
I live for a while in its sight.
What I fear in it leaves it,
and the fear of it leaves me.
It sings, and I hear its song.

After days of labor,
mute in my consternations,
I hear my song at last,
and I sing it. As we sing,
the day turns, the trees move."

Wishing you much strength and some moments of peace during this tumultuous time,

birdy

[ecomama]

Thankyou Blubes.

Thankyou Birdy77 I just cried all through reading your post and beautiful poem.
Thankyou for going to all that trouble to give me that poem, it's very deep and reflective.

Exactly how I'm feeling with deep waves of grief that I can't keep at bay.

It's really too much.

EM

[Croix]

Dear Em~

Your son has confided in you and his sister, probably just doing that may make him feel guilty, but it was a good thing -and a tribute to the two of you to have his trust to that extent. If it is what I suspect your support and validation is gold.

You are a person of strong emotions and strong protective instincts, there can lead to a feeling in you that you were in some way at fault -"I wasn't a good enough Mum" or "I should have looked harder " and all the rest of the self-accusatory feelings that are so completely misplaced and wrong.

Trying to make the world a better place in the face of the terrible is understandable and can be good, getting rid of all the garbage outside to make a peaceful garden is one such thing. Exercise and thought ending in obvious accomplishment.

If I might make a small suggestion, if you have not done too much already can you leave hte interior for now. Living is the midst of a building site may add to your stress, where planning how to do it in the future might be a mild distraction.

Birdy has offered some verse, it is good,

mute in my consternations,
I hear my song at last,

Blubes who has followed your life step by step thought your posts and has assured you there could be no better mother -believe it.

I'm glad there is a god side in your family, your uncle sounds lovely. and I'm glad your psych was able to allay your fears of it being PTSD symptoms.

Croix

[ecomama]

Dear Croix

Thankyou for your wise words again.

My Uncle turned the house into a building site.... over 3 days. He is a kind person and told me to hold on through this and that it wasn't a reflection of me as a mother.. then started about 50 things and didn't finish any of them.

Uncle & I had planned only to start and finish ONE job - big enough for 3 full days with help at hand. This was definitely not cosmetic work. It was to stop our top storey collapsing after demon took all the beams holding it up away. We put some stabilising things up years ago but only to see Courts through... didn't know whether I'd be able to keep our home or not.

Alas I think my Uncle has ADHD. He pulled things apart EVERYWHERE... yet this was nothing compared to the bombshell son dropped.

My son did not confide in me... he blindsided me and the entire family.

I thought of you alot today Croix and how your family wouldn't accept your first wife and you became estranged from them.

I'm very sorry that happened to you. You seem to be a very sensible person, I can't imagine you any other way.

Both your marriages seemed to be very solid.

This is by far the wildest thing I never imagined could possibly eventuate from this son especially.

Tonight Alexa and the other adult children experienced the "darkness" in son.
They shared with me how this terrifies them, they couldn't believe what I was saying this week through tears.
They saw it themselves tonight.

But from the little I could share and the heartfelt support here in response, I can glean a calling that has been burgeoning from inside me for a long time. But I can't do it well.... begin to look after myself much better.

Something Mara and I (and maybe many others with PTSD in the face of family issues) experienced time and again is an overwhelming need to enact change during and immediately after a trauma filled event.

I held my self back SO MUCH from completely and thoroughly freaking out.
I restrained myself.

I've cried a LOT but I haven't gone crazy - apparently lol.

I kept repeating to myself yesterday monkey said I'm strong monkey said I'm strong.
And Prayed.

Whilst Uncle was pulling our home apart, I Prayed lol.
He left this afternoon. The ACs helped me put some things back together.

That Handyman Builder was a really good person to employ. No bs, just get on with the job.
I like that.

But I still had time to reflect.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: trauma without PTSD?

I wake up and momentarily I'm in that beautiful, peaceful space where I think 'it was only a nightmare' and then realise it actually happened. It's happening.

Not just a nightmare. No. This is my real life.

Those 2 almost tangible nightmares I had on the first night after son purged were reflective of the many fears I have for son. And us.

I'm not having the full surround sound, physical trauma of PTSD re-enacting violent events.

I'm grieving so deeply it hurts my hollow chest. My hands go numb - apparently an anxiety reaction. It's difficult to breathe deeply. I'm crying a lot and have to wipe my tears away to eat with my family, to cook, to do most things like type here.

I was too tired to read my Bible last night. I just cried to God to protect us from another of the devil's arrows.
"Be still and know that I am God". I have to put my dear baby in God's hands because there is NOTHING I can do. My Counsellor told me there's nothing left for me to do.

"Lord forgive them for they know not what they do".

I create, evil destroys.

Again I am shutting down many things to protect the rest of us remaining.

It was difficult to see my beautiful boys crying yesterday, their hearts are shattered.

Yvette is just working as much as possible. Using the toilet breaks to cry. Taking ANY shift she can. She's taken one tomorrow night to avoid the last party tomorrow night.

When she was crying to me and I was holding her and we were being relentlessly interrupted by Uncle, I said I have no idea now why I'm fixing up the house, she said "I will use these spaces mum, I will invite my friends over" she's staying alive. I'm grateful for her deciding to stay living. Even if it's through hell for us all again.

The collapsing top storey was my MAJOR concern. Uncle ripped apart anything he "didn't like".. he didn't like the shower head so took it off... he didn't like our water saving toilets (that suit us fine) so told me I need to buy new ones for him to install, so he pulled those apart... he didn't like light fixtures (which we do like) and pulled them apart all over the house...

I kept telling Uncle that I don't have the money to replace all these things, he keep asking why not? I said I need to stay part time for Yvette because she's going to Distance Ed next year and she needs me, he said "Why does she need you?" even though I'd told him she was suicidal this year.

Still it was nothing compared to son's bombshell.

EM

[monkey_magic]

Morning EM,

You've got me crying too. I felt the pain in your words. For real, I'm literally crying.

I would get uncle to put everything back together again. It's your house not his. You and your family are the ones living there and need to be satisfied with it, not him.

I have no words EM, just be ok.

We'll see you through this.