new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

HI girls

You seem to be forming up plans and I HIGH FIVE you for those.

(Thanks for the bday wishes lol..)

Seriously with a statute and the way things are atm, I think it's a case of "feel the fear and do it anyway"... you know you have a MASSIVE cheer squad here!

Brene Brown's work is fantastic for understanding fear and courage and shame and vulnerability. I'd keep her Netflix special going on repeat to give you courage.

I understand you feel down trodden. I know that feeling!

But when you get to ground zero there's only ONE way and it's UP.

Best wishes
EM

[Guest_498]

Thanks Em,

Your words of encouragement are well .. encouraging and inspirational. So much so, that I have started editing my letter of complaint (wrote it some time ago but had to put it down because it was causing me too much distress). With that, I aim to lodge it with the Ombudsman in the next week or so. I get once chance at this with them so I want it to sound right.

[monkey_magic]

Ecomama you are a champ!

Well done Bluberry!

I'm seeing my psychologist tomorrow for a clinical diagnosis and psychiatrist on Fri for the same thing. Need to turn all this around. If that doesn't work it will be letters of complaint from me too!

[Guest_498]

That's great news, Monkey_magic. You have our support. Get yourself off the meds if they're causing you harm and distress. The meds do not sound right if they're compromising your health. At least you know when they're giving them to you. I didn't. They drugged me and never admitted to it. They said to the Police officer that "it might've been something from drinking from a water bottle or something". I didn't drink any water out of a bottle. How could the officer believe them so quickly over a person reporting the crime and was clearly in distress? I can't believe the world we live in sometimes.

[ecomama]

omg Bluberry and monkey_magic YOU are the champs lol!

I'm not sure if you guys joined the Red Heart Foundation on FB but whether you have or not just always KNOW that you have all women, all people even, who've been abused badly behind you ALL the way.

YOU are important and valued. YOU are so worth this battle.

When I was a child (abused and neglected) I often spoke to the "ecomama" (lol) 10 years from now. I asked her questions about what I should do? How I should feel? Where I should turn to?

She ALWAYS answered back softly, warmly and gave me the BEST answers lol! Ofcourse I spoke to God too, begged and pleaded mostly.

I've done this lots of times.

I know I didn't fight the battles I faced without God behind me.

I also wanted to know that I did the VERY BEST I could.

And if after I gave it 1500% of me in all ways possible and it still didn't work?
I could rest knowing I did the very best I could humanly do.

The strange thing is that now I look back, the things that failed led me to the most wonderful things that made a far bigger difference in my life.

That's God looking out for me. I PRAY so much for you both right now that your paths will be guided and at EVERY turn the right person is put in your path.

I know I'm blessed in finding this forum and Mara and now you both too. (Not to mention all the other beautiful members who soothe us all - Hi Croix and Sleepy and Grandy).

Be Blessed and move forward with confidence that you are doing the RIGHT thing for yourself and for others who follow.

With you all the way.
Love EM

[Guest_498]

You are! You're very encouraging to us both! Who knows, you might see me on the news one day with my story (if the ABC decide they want to run with it). 😉

Thank you, sweetheart. I'm pleased to be on this forum too.

[ecomama]

monkey_magic said:Ecomama you are a champ!

Well done Bluberry!

I'm seeing my psychologist tomorrow for a clinical diagnosis and psychiatrist on Fri for the same thing. Need to turn all this around. If that doesn't work it will be letters of complaint from me too!

I'm pretty superbly impressed lol!

YOU GO GIRL.... You have the power within you to change this around.

Present well.
Compose yourself.
Bring yourself down to ground level.

Right people, right path is our mantra.

With you all the way.
EM

[Guest_498]

EM,

I know I'll feel released once I lodge my complaint, but will feel terrible should they choose not to investigate. If they don't then the perpetrators will simply get away with their crimes. I'll have to accept that. I'm of the view that life isn't fair and that life offers no justice. It is what it is. There is no justice. Once I come to terms with it, I will feel better knowing that I've tried and have put them on notice, anyhow. Sleep tight.

[ecomama]

Update: moving on without shaming psych!

I'm feeling SO MUCH better.. reasons being:
- YD is doing so much better (even without a psych she's vastly improved)
- ED is also a workaholic but reaping it in & doing much better too
- my short week at work had TONS of challenges but I handled all of them well & my bosses & colleagues were happy for the support
- I guess I should mention I got engaged lol... ooops maybe should have come first lol! Sorry K!
- SO HAPPY the kids will have a Dual Passport one day - if we all make it through this
- interim decision about my next 2 years work days made by me felt pretty good
- job seems pretty secure after a major strategy was introduced. I'm the only one fully qualified & experienced in it all on my job site - Thankyou God for the intervention!
- new fridge arriving Friday!
- getting into the garden more and doing hard work
- a "loaves and fishes" scenario happening with my finances, can't really explain it but my intention is out there so it's coming in... I've been on half pay for months yet things remain stable, miraculously
- got INCREDIBLE MH referrals from the most unlikely places...I'm going with them to see where they lead for YD
- YD is enjoying YOGA omg... how wonderful, I'm so happy!
- still have my Counsellor which is lovely.

I absolutely KNOW there's something bubbling with ex psychopath. I got the "feeling" first then asked myself "rationally" why? it's a psychopath so it needs no reasons and they are never rational... but knowing how it thinks now... there are SO MANY reasons.

There's even weird evidence of a 3rd party "buy back" attempt... lol right... NO freaking way.

Not if it was the LAST human being on earth would I even breathe in it's direction.

Without even trying to find out, I know so much.

SO hatches are battened down tightly. So happy that the schools are getting far tighter for entry by ANY one outside staff and students. It's due to covid safety measures but I'll take ANY safety measures.

Kid's workplaces have CCTV so it can't enter there without "evidence". 😉😊

One son here is hopefully getting his Ps soon. Makes for safer travel to and from all places - avoiding public transport.

Psychopath will move fast for this window of time before sons begin studying Policing and Law.

LOVING Brene Brown's "Braving the Wilderness" AND breakthroughs from listening to "People of the Lie" by Dr Peck.

Enjoying this time while it lasts!

EM

[Guest_498]

wow - congratulations on your engagement!! Congrats, congrats. I'm so very happy for you. And glad to hear things are going well for you, too. xx