new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Update: lol it's like a Daily Diary atm.

I emailed my Union Rep this morning and asked him to phone me any time today. He didn't but he could be on Leave, IDK. The communications are nuts BUT still missing vital info for us all working from home.

2 weeks ago I did something on purpose. Emailed a colleague with the fact that I could've called in the Union but my bosses promised to act in time... I knew over time this fact would get back to our bosses. I only told ONE person so I know where the "leak" is.

Bosses acted then loaded far more on my plate!
Not the "acts" I thought they understood to be necessary!

So a comical "Schedule" for my work days was emailed to me today... funny because they left SO many things OUT.

Mmm they seem to get it now.
Sad one has to say they'll call in the Union to GET any changes.
But that's clearly the case for me atm.

I emailed signed consent to supervise p.son's HSC Trials tonight.
wow it's all happening. They start this Friday and I've got lots of Conditions to uphold - all covered.
I have SO MUCH RESPECT for the teachers at that school!
Doing Zooms for every single lesson in their normal timetable and actually TEACHING, not just assigning work like my other children.
They're ON TOP of this but obviously stressed out.

Ex GF has no one to supervise her - no surprises there grrrr at all the adults in her family. Not my problem.

So I get to actually COOK for my family tonight lol.

Things are still tough but getting clearer.

Much clamping down here and me hearing it and witnessing it in my short trips within 5km.
I feel for those who live outside these areas and need services in this area.

I hope the Govt has enough Staff to send out letters of Permission for travel in a timely manner.
I hope my Application for Permission will be enough to carry with me for Alexa next week if they don't.

P.son got higher level approval for his TRANSFER for work up here again and I'm SO GRATEFUL for that.
He beamed when he found out.
At least whilst working here, he'll have "some" social interactions he hasn't had in almost a year.

I'm off to finish cooking dinner.

I bought a Visual Diary to use instead of my Counselling appts while she's away and some pretty erasable coloured pens lol.

JOY is my focus, primarily.

Love and many Blessings to all
EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

Hi EM,

good on u keeping them on their toes and advocating for ur rights. tiring work, but im imprssed!! u go girl.
The lesson about trust i hear loud and clear- sometimes better to be a little suspicious of ppl in terms of legal stuff. hard to do.
Happy for your son to come and be with u and get that social connection and support!! amazing, and well earned, he deserves to have a nice time after all hes gone through.

hope he does great and that he flourishes back home. i'm sure he'll be amazing.

LD news here is all too much for my brain, i'm confused and a bit shocked.

My case manager and I can still meet, super happy about that! but a lot of other stuff has been postponed or moved to telehealth, darn.

We are trying to have hope here. I cant always see it but try lean on those who can hold it for me.
big hugs to u x

[ecomama]

Thanks Sleepy.

Spoke with my U.Rep today & he kept gasping - (gasp).
JUST keep him in the loop should I need him IF things spike again.

Thanks for your messages about p.son, the plot thickens there but TBH we hope he can STAY home with us.
If LD continues he can. Hell on wheels for him if it's lifted.

A true paradox for us.

My favourite saying in times of TRIAL for my family.
Being an Honorary daughter lol this goes for you too!
"While there's breath there is Hope & Hope Anchors the Soul". That last part is from The Bible. Not trying to convert you, as far as I'm concerned you're totally "saved" lol!

When we find it hard to HOPE, remember you have breath.

So glad to hear you can still have SOME visits with your help team. Great! Go you staying "linked in", you are powering through this.

I know you don't like call stuff. It's not for everyone!

My Visual Diary & pretty pens are on my partner's side of the bed lol 😞
But every time I go to bed to start something, I fall asleep.

I had a nap this afternoon. A nightmare woke me up. Gosh it was revolting. About BF sadly.

From this Friday we need "Permits" to travel outside 5km.
My kid's store, they work at PT, is closing soon for renos... OMG.. THAT store is within my 5km but none others are!
They will all be farmed out to various stores and work across the other 3. MANY klms from my home.
THANKFULLY the Brand actually applied for a broad Permit that covers all it's Employees!

Now to work out how to print it out so I can carry it with me in the car.
Half my trips, I won't have any children in the car wearing their Uniform - meaning I have them IN the car to drop them off but then drive home alone.
Same in reverse to pick them up.
I got scared at the prospect of dealing with authorities multiple times over this.

PTSD "humming" is something I'm aware of now, maybe not soon enough after a trigger lol.
I've collected data on myself.
It takes 4 days before the "humming" in every cell in my body quietens down and switches off kind of thing?
But this ONLY happens if I sleep quite a lot. (A lot for me is about a 4 -5h stretch, which I can sometimes go back to sleep after & repeat now which is good).

My work & friend Psychs (and U.Rep) ALL said the bosses were TRYING to see how far they could push me and wanted a huge reaction.
Well they didn't get one lol.
I'm smarter than that.
I pushed back sure! But POLITELY.
Then did far more effective things lol.

Onwards and UPwards Sleeps!

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

smart cookie EM

when ppl want a reaction from us - and we power through 🙂 yay. moving mountains!!

i can understand the humming, and love tht the sleep helps settle.
How is lockdown going? how are the kids' studies with h/school??

my case manager let me an ipad (ish) thing to connect to tele-supports, set it up tonight, cute lil thing. Grateful.
I'm a bit scared to touch it lol. It goes back to her in few days and many sites are blocked... b ut its nice.

I hope the drives back are okay... that is so stressful.... trying to manage all this and that fear of the authorities. i hate it too.

hope everything settles with work... have they agreed to what you need? it seems every workplace tries to "push" a little bit, hey? to take without giving that much back. Self protection in that regard took me years to learn.

I love the image of the beautiful colors nxt to ur bed!! sparking joy for sure!! u deserve some sparkling things... so... i bought a pretty hot pink candle which i put next to my bed atm 🙂 and ordered some stuf from kmart as well, some pots, to gets some plants indoors. my lockdwon indoor jungle.
I'm pretty sure everyone else did this at the very beginning of covid (remember the bunnings madness) but I guess i've saved it for last 🙂

thnks for love and support. I dont know wht i think about all this covid stuff.. my head is too full and its hard to speak openly about it as ppl are so angry always. but always god to trust our beautiful inner wisdom, with wise EM protecting and nurturing us to believe in and trust ourselves. love xx

[Jstar49]

Hey beautiful Em,

I don’t think I’m all caught up yet, but I HAVE to reply now!

oh my darling! Your poor chooks! What nasty person has been so cruel! And to trespass on your sense of safety and security, and for your children also! Honestly, am NOT surprised that you have gone off ppl a bit- or a lot....So hard to fathom.....

You do NOT deserve this Em.
I know you know this.
LOVE the sound of the chook fortress- well done! Am hoping it’s up now, not sure where you’re at but will keep reading.
AND well done on passing all that workload back! BF is correct- you are entirely too capable. It’s amazing what we expect of ourselves! I’m just so glad you could handball it back before (hopefully?) you had a breakdown ......

Im in a carpark atm. I have 3 hrs to fill waiting for a client, and most of the shops are shut. Lol! Irony! Last week it would have been great- could have got a massage, ( which I need, my neck is spasming regularly when I turn), hunted for new work clothes ( it’s getting so warm)

Instead, I’m listening to pink Floyd and catching up on your thread.
time well spent! Cannot believe what you’ve been going thru Em, and only hope and pray that this is a cycle ending, that the power of good is being released in your life in an awesome and powerful way, banishing evil for ever.

ok, back to reading.

HEAPs of love ❤️

J*

[Jstar49]

Dear Em,

loving the thought of you being on leave soon- tho seems unfair you have to take half pay after working quadruple time!

How bloody incestuous to have to have work messed up by high school ex-crushes! Sorry couldn’t think of a better way to describe.... Does not sound like an ideal work situation with your boss/ supervisor. Maybe there’s a new job out there for you Em. One where you can have more power over the work environment, as well as the staff , training req’s, everything. You could set up your own business! You’ve already got half the work force just in your own home! I’m sure your clever kids would transition easily....

Honestly the thought of you doing all those miles atm is concerning. How long until someone gets a licence? Such a difficult sitch and yet you seem to take it all in stride.
I hear you about taxis and ubers, don’t blame you for wanting Alexa to be safe. Hope she’s ok, sending love.

stick it to ‘em at work Ecomama! How dare they! Back off, I say!

please make time for a picnic on the beach yourself, in your downtime.

Love,

J*

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy, you're so sweet, I almost cried at your words at the end but stopped myself (as per lol) and felt deep gratitude for you.

I also thought hell yeah, everyone NEEDS to be themselves. It's so darned hard to do so in this weird society. Can't think of all the words I need to describe it. Sometimes my home land language can describe things so much better. Maybe it's because I was born there that I need to use those words to describe feelings lol, then there's English and well it can't cut it in some situations. There are no direct translations. (It's unfeeling lol).

I read what you wrote about meeting ppl who say 'you're the only one I can talk to' etc... yes it's a red flag if you've only just met them. I agree it's a huge responsibility for those of us with deep empathy, caring and concern. All I can say is BOUNDARIES lol. I am SO happy you recognised this in YOU. That's the first step. Then I take the bull by the horns if I need to and state my boundaries. I'm getting very used to these conversations now.
There's the hand.

How's LD? Oh nice question lol! Umm weird. I might go to call BF at noon but there are too many sirens & helicopters overhead to call him. The U.S. has certainly got Oz coined in the media he's told me about! Tbh they put it mildly from my POV. He can't even believe some stuff. Well I CAN. I'm living it and so are you Sleeps. And I don't watch any news, it's what I'm witnessing first hand with my own eyes. Dreadful.

I push it out of my mind as much as poss. Look within the parameters of what I CAN do. You are too, I LOVE the idea of an indoor jungle at your place! I know Blue & J* would love that image too. GO YOU!

Kids are doing ok with home learning. I'm at Officeworks almost every day grumph. I have a NOTE pad for Officeworks, another for Coles / ALDI, the last one for Bunnings. Do the kids use them? Nah just mama lol.
MUM I NEED x right now or I can't do x y z and it was due a week ago! Story of my life lol.

END of Aug: Before I do all that travel for kids' work shifts, I need a screenshot of the Company letter / PERMIT to travel. I'm thinking to phone my Lawyer for a Human Rights Lawyer's name.
The things I've seen in my few short trips within 5klm is sobering & I don't drink.

P.son is not doing very well at all. He's studying extremely long hours, not eating as much as he needs to. I offer food to him 24/7, it's concerning me very much. At least the LD is keeping him HOME. For that I'm grateful for it.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Hey J*, thanku.

Chook palace hasn't arrived yet grrr.
When it does, it'll take DAYS to erect, weeks, maybe months to set it all up where I'm satisfied with it.
So yeah.

Some of my boys do have a license, not all have a car & none can drive my beast lol.
Those that do have a car - it's great. But for the others, their shifts rarely align so it's just life atm.
I wrote my plan to Sleepy.
Alexa carries a crystal quartz on her person lol.

No I wasn't able to pass even near the amount of work back that I needed to.
My Leave will certainly be a sobering thought to those who have to do 1/30th of it. I've farmed certain programs out, split that massive section I do up & delegated.
MY IDEA.
They're not replacing me as per, they say "no one can do your job".
So without thinking WHY can't any one do EMs job, they just wait for me to get back!
Clearly my push for Staff training in these areas for years fell on deaf ears.
I said to my Supervisor "Now instead of patching all the leaks in the huge ship on LAND as we could've, we're out on the middle of the Ocean of LD, in rough swells & the leaks are everywhere! And the only solution? Oh EM can do that".
Yah EM CAN do that but cannot do ALL of everyone's work for them when they are SUPPOSED to know at least X. But I'm doing A to Z.
Ignorant "leadership".

I'll check my Leave & let you know about whether I have to take half pay. I do do this usually just to lengthen my Leave available. So instead of using up 5 day's Leave, it's only 2.5. Then there's more left in "the bank" if I need it later. P.son may need me down South later on, Alexa will need me for her next surgery and those are only the ones I know of, so it's a balancing decision.

The nice thing is that I'm getting LOTS of positive feedback, like TONS. Thankyou letters via email, some client's families in tears over my support, calling my bosses, emailing other Staff (lol THAT's gonna go down like a lead balloon). I'm very satisfied my help is being well received for clients & their families at least lol!

SO on my return I'm only taking back that section on a case by case review.
The rest being Daily Zooms with clients with specific focii, then following up with referrals etc, will stay & I want it to stay.
Staff are getting used to me telling them what to do bec there is NO leadership. Fluffing about like fish out of water from them. It's almost embarrassing to see.

Long hours tomorrow then I'm off! lol.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Hey J*

I forgot to write about the possibility of me changing jobs.
It's not on the table atm in any way shape or form lol.

My work place is about a 10klm trip.
Usually takes 15 mins max if there are no road works lol.

If I transferred then I could be placed HOURS away and that's NOT gonna happen. My kids and grandkids need me far too much and I hate a long commute!

I've worked in positions up to 4 levels "above" where I am, people really PUSHED me to go for promotion positions but in the end (working for a Federally funded program) I hated it. Working a minimum 70h work week. Awful.

I wanted to be on the "ground level" - working with the people I CHOSE my career for!

Even ONE step "higher" and I'm not doing that any more, ughhh the hours are thankless, so many after hours programs - yuck.

I looked at beginning my own business - have had 4 in the past but not in my field. They were fun. But I really missed my field of work.

The pay is really very good for me in my field.

A friend left and began her own business in our kind of field a few years ago.
She struggles big time and her earnings are very little compared to the work hours she puts in.
Her H wanted to retire but with her decision, he can't now. So things are tough there.

If I ever retire I may start a part time business but will do some training before then.
One that amalgamates my field with others.
Not thinking of that atm, though.

I have about 15y before my mortgage is paid off (thanks a lot demon and family law) but better that than no home at all!!
So won't leave work or semi retire or retire at all until after that's cleared off the table as a debt.

No, my kids are all sprouting off in to very different directions for their chosen careers.
I support their independence 100%!

No way would I start a Family Business lol.
I've seen the wrack and ruin in my own family from doing this.
In BFs family also. It's a financial and familial mess, with lots of resentments there.

The more financially independent of each other we are, the stronger we become as a family from my POV.

The kids are all doing really well financially.
Alexa chose to go Private for her surgery with no health insurance and paid it outright already.

Hope this all makes sense lol?
Thanks for the thoughts though!

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM (wave to J* & Sleepy),

It's coming off your words in waves how overloaded you are, EM. I understand it very well. I think you're right about their strategy of keeping you so busy you can't look up, and I hear you about the loss of trust in your bosses, what is happening now is grossly unfair.

I see since you wrote to me that you've been in touch with your union. Good! I'm really glad you're sticking to your guns about pushing for your rights at work. I know how hard it is, and how much backlash there can be. You did all the right things, trying to get people trained to pick up the slack when you are overloaded or not present, this isn't on you, it's mismanagement plain and simple. Your employers have to take responsibility for the workload they take on and having sufficient appropriately trained staff to manage it within the human capacity of any given individual to do any given part of that work. No ifs, ands or buts.

I'm sorry you now have the added worry of needing written consent to go anywhere beyond 5km from home, that sounds pretty stressful given how much of it you're going to have to be doing with Alexa's surgery and driving various of your offspring to and from work. Aaargh! Any progress in getting the paperwork organised for that?

You mentioned prodigal son getting a transfer to work at your end, and filling in consent to supervise his HSC exams. Pretty positive stuff for him. As much as lockdown is making life complicated in general, I'm glad it keeps him home where he is doing better and feeling safer. I know there is still stress for him, coming up to exams. Where better for him to be than with you, right now?

I believe your leave starts soon. Though I know the reasons aren't the best, I am glad for you to at least have work off your shoulders for a while, you need a break from that. I hope you can get out in the garden in that time and do things that make you feel like life is worthwhile.

How is the visual diary going? Might be an idea to sit with it at a table for a few minutes before bed, if you can't be awake to do anything with it once you're in there.

I am covered in birds right now, Sir Pecks is riding on my wrist, and Mr Feisty is on my head, playing with my hair. Very cute. They send a song.

Blue.

PS Sleepy, EM's right, indoor jungle sounds great!