new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, so nice to SEE you lol... and imagine you and LM in your garden and the ORANGE TREE with Puffballs' songs too - a delightful image! Thankyou for sharing HUGS lol.

ONE EXAM DOWN for p.son. YAY! 7 days left of exams yet tho.
He's sleeping now.
All the kids are at work in various places.
PERMIT to travel for their work, is one their Company got for ALL their Employees state wide. So proud of that company, pity I can't say who it is lol.
Whether it was UP here or down South, they've tried REALLY hard to take care of p.son. What companies do that? Like none.
They do. So proud.

Overwhelm for sure at work.
Farmed all programs OUT lol with detailed descriptions of how to do them, but giving them the options of "making them theirs" wink wink. Hahaha.

One more email with attachments left to do Sunday night and I'm done for the WHOLE WEEK BLUE.
I need this break.

My U.Rep was awesome as per. By now big boss would've GOT that I called the Union in, altho I said no formal undertakings for now - just keeping them in the loop.
She called a Meeting with me, the Head Psych and my Supervisor about usual stuff.
My Super couldn't get IN lol and our meeting went smoothly with ZERO issues, finished ON TIME not 1 hour over grrr and we got RESOLUTIONS to specific programs too - surprise surprise lol ... so I wonder WHO the problem is?

Last night Yvette told me she is 48!! assessment tasks / lessons behind in her learning from home omg.
I offered to complete some for her and she said SURE, which I was shocked about. (She wants me to do the MATHS and omg that's nuts but okay I'll give it a go!)
6 months before she can legally leave school. She has a Traineeship and is all over that learning.
IDK - whatevs lol.

Boss said we should expect to be back at work on site, my first week back, so Yvette has to get it ALL done in the next week. I couldn't predict what our State Govt will do if you paid me a million bucks.
No idea.

No idea how to get a PERMIT to travel for Alexa. I'll work it out somehow.

Nice idea about having my Visual Diary at the dinner table.

My hands are swollen from using the laptop keyboard so many hours per day.

So much less exercise than when I'm on site yet I'm totally exhausted.
Strange hey?

I'm going to bed early tonight. Not sure if I'll get a midnight call out to pick up kids...

Love EMxxxx

[Jstar49]

Hey Em,

maybe try compassionate grounds for Alexa. I think it's a thing. You know, like visiting an elderly relative/neighbour.

Rest up my friend. Things HAVE been stressful, hope you enjoy your week off. Rest those hands!

Btw highschool maths? You're brave!

Love,

J*

[ecomama]

Hey J*

Oh for sure it's compassionate grounds, thankyou. I just hope I can find out WHERE to apply and all that carry on etc.
Such a palaver.

I think my hands are swollen from carpal tunnel.

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Just a general update but also a response to Blue & J* about other stuff I clearly avoided answering.

I'm so sorry if this Triggers you J* so it needs a ***TW*** - NC with mother stuff. HUGS!!

When I read something that kinda shocks me, I guess, yes I just spent some time thinking about it - followed the Trigger back to it's source & the IRL ppl from my past were there, so it's a Trigger.
Some weren't the "baddies"! They'd passed away though.

I truly believe that no one in our circles here TRIES to Trigger others but I certainly know it happens.
I just don't realise it's happening at the time.

My first reaction is AVOID. Dissociate.
It does happen IRL but not with everything I'm confronted with.
Other stuff Alexa NOW realises that I can't answer (she used to push and push and PUSH but now) she or I say "leave it for a few days to answer that one". It's far more calm and respectful. Her Psych studies have helped our relationship immensely.

I need a few days - my amygdala has flared.

I find myself apologising ALL THE TIME because the last thing I want the person who asked me the question is to think they're unimportant in my life, that their question was ignored, that they felt invalidated or ignored by me. It's THIS that makes me cry.

I've seen the look of shock or disbelief on others' faces when I've gone into stunned mode. Unable to mentally process anything.
A numb limbo.

Please know I'm not bringing this up so no one brings these things up.
My hope is that the more we "talk" about certain things, the less impact they have & the more integrated our thought patterns on the subject become.

1. Mark. On the gardening thread I entirely avoided responding to ppl's ponderings about where Mark was.
He's shared that he's been unwell. (The trigger for me is that my dad didn't tell me how sick he was, I never saw him again).
I went into total avoidance mode on the topic of Mark.

BTW I did go to sleep early last night yay lol. I wasn't woken to pick kids up.
I dreamt the most beautiful dream where my friend who's passed away came to me. I'll tell the dream more in my next Update.

2. My mum's present.
This is so sad for me to express knowing how opposite, in many but not all ways, J* feels.
IDK how I feel about the presents, her actions to get them to me etc. Still triggering I guess.
I've recycled the paper stuff, all mag clippings etc.
Will give away the rest.

Sorry guys, I'm happy to answer more but will prob need a few days.

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: dreams

I dream a LOT.
Some are very vivid dreams.
Some are with people I've loved dearly "coming back to visit", they've passed over.
Some turn out to be premonitions and usually at the time of the dream, I KNOW they're premonitions.
They can be very scary indeed but always turn out to be very strong guidance about what I need to do to get through.

~ major premonition dreams for years were of demon - which all turned out to be true;
~ strong guidance of strange steps to take with the Courts - which ALL turned out to be magnificent guidance (and REALLY off the rails lol - it took STACKS of persuasion to influence my Lawyers and Barristers to DO these things but they eventually DID and I "won"). So weird.
~ minor things like work issues, then what to do for resolutions.

My dream last night was of a much loved boyfriend, G, coming back to visit.
3 this year with G!
Only 1 in my whole life before this year. Immediately after my D Day, he warmed and comforted my broken soul. He was hugging me in a Genie form lol and swirling a bright, loving happiness around me, saying "You ARE loved and I'm choosing your next love!"
IRL I broke up with him. I realised how much I loved him and was scared of this. Secondly his "lifestyle choices" were incompatible with my career choices.
But we continued to love each other and over the years, it was clear that our love for each other deepened.
Then he passed over.

My dream of him last night was SO JOYFUL. So fun. Just like HIM! we were so young, doing all the things we did together; surf, ride our bikes to the beach, hang out with our families. This time we owned a house together - the same house each dream lol.
He makes me smile so wide and I'm sad here's not living.

In our "Safe House Road Trip" we stayed with a cousin up North I'd not seen for ages. She asked the DAY I arrived "Do you dream?" woah boy what a question!
I'd had 2 HUGE dreams that week.
She had a Biblical Dream Interpretation book and we researched the meanings of my dreams, they were POWERFUL meanings.
She gifted the book to me.

She also Prayed and did more to lift a "Curse" as she asked me questions and found out the actions of my fore fathers and mothers.
One Church here also did the same for us.

I want to make Animations of some of my dreams. One is to help women in DV / FV recognise such.
Maybe I'm being connected with the person to help do that.
Still Praying on that one lol.

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Hey Em,

I just looked it up. Not sure which suburb you're in, but even for LGA"s of concern A reasonable excuse is: to provide care or assistance (including personal care) to a vulnerable person or to provide emergency assistance.

It doesn't say anything about needing a permit, not sure if it's too early for all those details to be on the NSW health site. Just says to carry your proof of address.

When H had to travel outside our LGA we printed it off and he took it with him. I don't think the cops even really know the rules, so best to be prepared.

Hey I'm sorry to read that you're feeling triggered. Like you, I hope that gently talking it thru, at appropriate times, can be helpful. It's ok if you don't talk about stuff immediately, or at all. Whatever you choose is ok by me.

I'm here if you need to talk,

Much love,

J*

[ecomama]

Thanks J*, yes!

As new PH Orders came into effect at 12:01am this morning, I had to check this morning.

Omg through the quagmire of endless babble, I swear how anyone with low literacy could ever decipher ANY THING on their sites... grrr. They need a "READ ALOUD app" to use.

And I can't even share how someone with low literacy levels could USE this, since they're probably not reading here either 😞

I took a screen shot of the relevant parts of the Orders that apply to me.

I'm having a happy / sad anxious thing going on inside my gut atm.
I'm so HAPPY and tbh RELIEVED that Alexa has a sweet young man in her life as her "bubble buddy" - this calm feeling is nothing I've experienced with any of her previous BFs before, so it's an amazing feeling.

Then I think perhaps, I'm anxious because I don't KNOW FOR SURE that she's okay and it's making me sad.
I almost need her to send me a THUMBS UP lol or some happy emoji to check in every 2 days or something IDK!
Her silences in the past were bec of abuse.

I said if I don't hear from her then I will assume she's going OKAY.
Her pending surgery tomorrow is making me anxious. She had so much medical intervention during the dark ages here - little did we know what demon was doing mostly to her and I. The others had already moved out - yeah.

So now she has a BF, is back at Uni, we're in LD, she's working etc, we seldom touch base, which causes me to worry.

Knowing this helps. If she WASN'T having medical intervention tomorrow, I would not be triggered as deeply by demon.

Alexa + medical intervention > trigger > > > demon.

I put all mother's presents into give away garbage bags. We have 4 in the hallway now. To move to the Garage where there are more waiting till LD's lifted.
Someone else would better appreciate a new towel and new face washers. For me, seeing these anywhere > trigger > > > mother.

P.son is about to start his SECOND Trials Exam in 15 mins.
We've been awake early to make sure he ate breakfast, has a bottle of water, prepped his "open book" things ready.
He's logging on now.

The disparity between him and all the other students lucky enough to do assessment tasks instead is something I HOPE the HSC Markers consider very seriously indeed.
it's a mess but what isn't right now right?

He's over it. Noises of LD lifting and he's going in to a deeper depression. Trying. But not managing very well.

EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: what a difference a few hours can make.

I've been feeling really guilty about being so grateful for lock down because p.son was able to stay here at home. Mainly because so many people are suffering.

I couldn't see HOW on earth we could have both. My darling boy home & others feeling free of LD.
I had no control over it anyway.

Today it was my greatest relief that p.son's school announced that they were making the firm decision (they're an Independent school) to continue their 'learning from home' programs until the end of September, regardless of any changes in Public Health Orders.

He's staying home. So relieved.
This time leads into his School Holidays (he can still be home of course). Then only ONE more week of "school" then some Stuvac and HSC Exams, we're supposing in, whatever form these take or don't take.

The ONLY reasons I'm so extremely concerned for p.son to be down South are:
1. the intense bullying at school he only revealed last week (this is HIS major concern also)
2. his access to food and any other necessities.
3. his quite noticeably unstable MH atm. He's well tempered but sleeping extraordinary hours and seldom goes out of the house (as he shouldn't we're in LD BUT he could walk the dog as he used to LOVE doing, drive his siblings to work with me as he JUMPED at previously as it got his L hours up, he's not eating well and I'm concerned he's developed some type of eating disorder - BF confirmed this as he had a few years of issues with this in his teens also, factors seem very similar).

He really needs some MH support via a professional. He wants to wait until after all this is over / next year.
I'm thinking of asking his school to ask the School Psychologist to have phone appts.
He was seeing her quite regularly when he attended school.
She may help "tide him over" until he may engage a Psych up here.

who knows.

Alexa's surgery is going ahead tomorrow as far as we know.
I need to leave home around 6am to go pick her up, drop her to hospital etc.
Then bring her darling dog home to mind for the day.
Then wait for Alexa's call for pick up late in the afternoon.

SO I got some lovely gardening done today. lol.

Need to take poodle walking during p.son's exams tomorrow & EVERY day!
He was scratching at p.son's door during his exam ugh!
I took poodle into the garden but he was anxious about that.
He Loves a WALK so I'll do that tomorrow with 2 dogs lol.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: Alexa ***TW*** surgical procedures.

It was SO NICE seeing Alexa today. Yvette woke at 5am to come with.
I got to meet her BF! She's always saying how sweet he is, dear thing. He looked like a deer in spotlights at my visit lol. He coped. I was fine lol.

She had her surgery and it's worse than they thought. She has another procedure in 6 weeks. Almost a fluid diet. Pretty scary for us all tbh. She had quite a few things removed, they've been sent off for testing.
PRAYERS PLEASE.

Tonight she texted that she's doing ok. Dr said she needed to go to Emergency if certain things happened. So far so good. I am PRAYING THROUGH THIS TIME. It's freaking hard.

P.son finished another exam and said it went ok.
His identical was Zooming all day long for a Management Course, gosh I could hear it and felt proud of that company all over again - all day about the CARE of Workers! WOW. He's got homework lol.

Yvette actually DID some school work lol.

The others are at work.

It rained ALL day long, so no walkies for pups.
I spent so much time napping which helped calm any anxiety down a lot.

Apparently Thurs will be fine weather - for the Handyman and I and ANY other sons around to construct the Chook Palace. He's booked in Fri too but rain is forecast.

I will really have to think about drainage for my chickens... hopefully it will be ok but if not, yeah.

I have a fancy dinner on the go in the oven. Potato bake and more. Rice for Yvette lol. It's late because everyone finished late in the same room.

I'm loving watching the Eco channels on YouTube. So many wonderful building ideas. Makes my mind take off in so many tangents lol.

I hope EVERYONE is doing well.

Blessings to all
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: ***TW*** - surgical procedures

I gardened this morning since before dawn. Checked on p.son for his next exam then went back down.
EVENTUALLY Alexa texted that she made it through the night with no ER visit.

I was greatly relieved then didn't trust her. She avoids medical intervention like the plague, so often suffers for way too long before seeking any. I have to "hand it over" to her but not seeing her in person is the thing. She turns a certain grey / green colour when she's in pain and I can see that without her telling me. Thankfully so can her BF! He worked it out without any help, marvellous.

She has several clamps inside her now and they're supposed to dislodge in 3 weeks.

She has the best specialist in our city for this but even he was challenged yesterday and told her so.
Latest treatment for similar conditions is using a procedure usually associated with plastic surgery, so it's wonderful they discovered broader uses. GO them lol.
Otherwise the only treatment before this was terrible indeed.

I'm still wary since she said she didn't need any help with picking up the kids from Shep etc... I'm extremely polite to him and make exchanges as fast as possible! hahaha but still it's really uncomfortable for both of us as we ALWAYS used to hug at meeting (a cultural / familial thing) but I stay as far away from Shep as I can and the kids notice that. Not nice really.

SO handing it over! It's all created so much anxiety in me that I gardened for hours and hours to distract myself and try to ground myself too. Even after her text and I came upstairs, washed the many eggs etc, organised to go food shopping with p.son driving... anxiety took hold.
I need to have a long talk with that cuddly monster when I get home lol.

Truth is there's so much going on, no wonder I'm anxious.

I also can't do too much more strenuous activity today since we're beginning construction of the Chook Palace TOMORROW YAY! I'm really excited about it all. It's a project and a half there, ongoing, but still very exciting that my girls will have a wonderland to explore. They'll be happy 🙂

Wow I need to change my clothes! How filthy I got down there - what FUN!
Poodle "helped" me hahaha... he was tentatively stepping around, little darling.
He's next to me now, knows mama is anxious. He's a beautiful calming influence.

Love EMxxxx