new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Update: indecision, waiting, movement underfoot.

Not sure whether to enter into reporting.
Ppl say I "should" but unless they know what's involved in it all ie how you get pushed around to jump and act all the time, they don't realise how much of an impact it has on one's daily life and MH.

I'm tired.

I'm waiting for one authority to call back. |

Waiting for the huge Chook Palace to arrive in 3 boxes, then jumping in to action there - hiring a Handyman to help construct it. It's all a huge expense but one that has to happen to keep them and us safe. Or safer.

Last week, I sensed a "movement" in certain circles which has been confirmed by feedback from others.
An almost silent, peaceful, steady, strong movement - crushing of evil.

What played out during the Court era, was that humans stuffed things up all the time. I studied Law the entire time. I found errors in Lawyer's Barrister's Police detective and even COURT's paperwork ALL THE TIME. The incompetency was gobsmacking. I spent endless hours CORRECTING all of these ppl's work. I was disgusted.

I learnt NOT to trust anyone no matter what titles they had.
My mistrust was confirmed ALL the time.

I learnt to Pray harder, more consistently and specifically, beseeching God to work FOR me.
Miracles happened over and over. They still do.
My dreams directed me, with no earthly reason TO take specific action, my Lawyers eventually just DID what I told them to do.

I won.
God orchestrated all of it.

So now, as every level of every department around me, that usually would support me in my work and personal life is losing the plot lol!!
I have no one to turn to but I have GOD.

I had 3 dreams today as I slept, directive again.
2 days ago, I found my ex Pastor on YouTube and watched 2 of his sermons.
Friday night his sermon had the Full Armour Of God Prayer in it! The exact one I posted here a few days before.
Yesterday his sermon covered marriage.

I argued with BF yesterday. I've had barely any contact with BF for many weeks now. My work / life is too full on.
BF asked me to lean on him. There's no point. His advice is WAY off and he's too out of touch with the conditions of lock down here & what I NEED to do. he disagrees with my priorities.

I'm realising how strong I am. With God lol.

I DO need humans, they need me too, that's normal lol.
I just can't expect any sense to come from reaching out to others atm. My C was correct.

Many Blessings!
EMxxxx

[Guest9337]

Morning ecomama,

Thank you for the TW above, just mentally add a TW to all my posts, sorry, thanks and please Everyone.

I wore out my steel capped work boots doing a lot of leg work in them, now I wear ugg boots more often! but not in the garden of course.

I too felt a connection of Good recently... and grabbed it to my utter capacity, and am now recovered and ready for more. Gandhi is my hero of Goodness.

Buffy my fav dog is at my feet on my ex army sleeping bag, I got for free, and she has stopped shaking now... all it took was the wind to make the security door bang and that set buffy anxiety on fire. 15 min later I have helped her to calmness.

Unfortunately/fortunately (smirk), I have had to focus much more time on ultimate priority stuff and therefore haven't read any more of your thread. I've also been told to add Jung to my reading list. Where do I start with that? Shadow integration of course.

love dng.

[ecomama]

Thanks dng.

Update:
Indeed the inevitable has been leaked.
Our LD is being extended.
Our boss sent a very strong then wobbly email late last night.

MOUNTAINS of extra work being piled on us.
It's clear that other Govt offices are NOT coping with the demand, therefore we MUST. Crikeys.
The overflow on to us, WAY out of our job descriptions is so crazy.
Wonder what our Union will say about this.
Nothing probably, they sent an email saying they've scaled DOWN their support.

My C was more correct than she thought. No useful support to be gained from anywhere OUTSIDE ourselves atm.
My last C session tomorrow night for IDK 6 months.

I feel more bolstered at this minute lol.

P.son has NO IDEA what's happening with his HSC Trials and I intuit they'll be "cancelled" or severely changed.
Probably the HSC exams also.
He wants to stay living here anyway. I want that too!
He's showing strong signs of depression, it'd be far worse if he had to live down there during LD.
SO still a frozen limbo there, poor darling.

The family we are financially supporting are doing okay now.
I'm fine to go without heating as long as they can have a roof and food and clothing for their babies.

OMG good news... yeah lol... another son was told to go for an interview "just for practice" by his regional boss. We wrote his Resume, I used some data in it just for tongue in cheek fun tbh - very cheeky! He interviewed with 10 other applicants but he was only doing it for practice. He was pretty relaxed lol.
OMG HE GOT THE JOB.
What?
He's now an Assistant Manager for 6 months omg. He was only promoted "from the floor" about 5 weeks ago.
Now he can enrol in a Management Course and wants to smash it out whilst working FT in 6 months while he can access it lol. Good thinking 99.

"Our" shop is closing for a month for renos - ugh. I will have to drive my kids up to 45 mins each way to work almost every day omg. That's an extra 3 hours driving per time. IDK how I'll find the time or energy for all that on top of extreme demands of work. Pets. Laundry.

Blessings to all
EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM and all,

Oh, the songs are incoming. Sir Pecks has his little lungs full and ready to sing.

Yeah, parents. There's a lot to unpack, there. Interesting thing, Dad just asked me if I was willing to take power of attorney, should he "lose his marbles" as he so eloquently put it. Funny how he wasn't much interested to teach me anything about managing money but wants to talk to me about it after I figured it out for myself. All well and good for him to laugh at my siblings' bad management of it, but he had an opportunity to teach them, too. By the time I was old enough to know and teach them (being as I'm the youngest), the bad habits had already set in. Not so easy to undo. Anyway, I said yes to his question, but I am conflicted about the surrounding matters.

Not familiar with Duncan Trussel. What's the podcast about?

Yeah, some good things are passed down. Wonder how much is genetic, and how much is education? Probably a mix.

Thanks. I guess having never had it, I don't miss it, so that's something. As for your kids, yes it's unfortunate they don't have healthy contact with extended family - but they do have a loving and nurturing mother who is teaching them how to establish and maintain boundaries with unhealthy influences, and what a good parental relationship can look like. If you ask me, that's worth far more.

I agree, my Puffballs bring out the best in me as far as nurturing goes. LM, too. The relationships we have with our feathery friends are so important (LM is honourary bird), and definitely healing. I hear you about the mess, my two are prolific poopers, haha. Regular mopping and scrubbing of walls, chairs, curtains... oh boy!

I am delighted about the chook palace, it sounds great. I'm so sorry for your chooks and for you that this has been made necessary by apparent harm to your chickens, though. (Yeah, I read the post even though you said don't - not pleasant reading, but I'm a better support if I know what's happening.) I'm glad you have someone you trust to babysit them in the meantime. How is repairing the CCTV going?

Re moral compass, I hear you about "Do as I say, not as I do". Mum always hissed about that phrase, it was a catch-cry of her father's. Funny how she developed the same mentality in a more subtle presentation, though...

I do agree that we learn as much about what not to do from our parents. Often we swing too far the other way and screw up anyway. Balance is the hard thing to learn!

Outta words. Song from Puffballs.

Blue.

[Guest_1643]

Hi everyone!

Hope youre all okay. I can understand things sound extra pressuring for ur fam now with lockdown, more driving, and balancing everything. I hope you can manage through this patch and it does sound very hard!

I hope it was meaningful saying a (temporary) goodbye to ur counsellor, hoping she does okay back to (one of her) home (s) in America...its nic to have a home in different places... i like that idea.. but i'm sure she will be missed. The loss is hard when someone is so good and helpful!!

I have let out so much lately, been so honest and upfront with ppl about my feelings and needs, and it hasnt necssarily made things instantly easier... this therapy stuff is work, for sure. The work.

How are ur kids doig this lockdown?

Everyone seems to take this stuff so differently, its so perplexing! I know some ppl really enjoy it, which is so different to others who find it very intense.

How has work been, so busy?? So many aspcts of life affected by these world changes. I can see some positives in my lif, which is weird to note, but it has solidified some rlationships, if I can keep and maintain a friendship through lockdowns and global instability, i think that is a real friend. Sadly, some ppl do sort of disappear in crises, but those who stay, I feel much much closer to. I am noticing and trying to attune to this time, and let go of the anger and just ride with it. In crazy times there are tiny positives.

[ecomama]

Dear Blue

I love puffballs' songs, I need some joy, peace and just absence from harshness and harm.

Thankyou for saying that about me as a mum, it's very kind of you.
My kids are beautiful people, like ACTUALLY teenagers and young adults I would have loved to have had as friends when I was a teenager lol.
Stable, kind to others, SO CARING, gentle and just beautiful.

The boys have come to me with quite deep concerns that they've not had a "good male role model" Blue!
What can I say?
I seriously wanted to cry.

Instead, in EM style of not crying, I just said what I think... no one person is a "good role model", no one is "perfect" and instead of thinking you NEED to copy ANY ONE on earth, please reach down into your heart and soul to know who you really are.
I know who you are and you are brilliant.

Just be YOU.
If you like how this male friend is because he says he has an awesome dad, THINK about qualities you admire and if they fit with you to strengthen, then do that.

That's all I could do growing up.

Exactly, NOW I know that many parents teach us how NOT to be.

My mother had someone drop off a birthday package to me about 2 weeks ago.
My birthday came and went and it's still under my bed unwrapped. She actually wrapped it, in new paper, put it in a nice gift bag... so strange.

I know she hates me and loves me. It still hurts. Decades of NC and I want to cry.

I'm so grateful you found LM. I'm so grateful he loves you and you love him!

I'm still so extremely stressed with working unbelievable hours in lock down and virtually had to argue with my bosses today via zoom and they don't get it. They went between dismissive to authoritarian to plain dumb and stupid lol.
It's horrendous.

My chickens are safe. I will do whatever it takes to keep them safe.
No chance of getting CCTV fixed for a while. I saved $5k for a new fence (o..m...g) and it's there sitting against my mortgage waiting.... then the handyman needs to be paid when the Chook Palace goes up. Rates went from about $1300 / year when Courts finished, to over $2k now, like GRRR. They're due.
I'm helping p.son with expenses... long story.

If I don't have enough Leave to take to help Alexa with her surgery, I have to take half pay.

Lots going on.
Very scrambled sorry.

Need to learn higher tech stuff on my WEEKEND to begin higher level tech work starting Monday. Grrrr.
Kindly a colleague is zooming with me to help!

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Dear Sleepy

I'm so stressed that my friend since 9yo told me to take asthma meds but I don't have asthma!
It's anxiety. She was trying to help with housing my chickens at the time.

I'm hearing you 100% about sharing not always being helpful to us.
It totally depends on WHO we share with and what THEY are going through at the time too.
A pandemic means everyone's going through LOTS simultaneously.

So tricky.

Right now I find people are bitter and angry.
Well I AM TOO lol.

BF said I showed "too much competence" and did things "far too quickly", so bosses keep throwing mountains at me relentlessly.

It takes me a while BUT I HAVE A PLAN.
Last night I went full throttle at throwing things BACK lol.
I called them "Referrals", that sounds professionally sweet doesn't it Sleepy? lol.

The Psych got all the crises BACK. She's been to the BEACH every day for weeks for a PICNIC lunch OMG...
have these back.
I don't want them she said, you're very capable EM she said.
I'm not a trained Psych I SAID.
They're yours.

And so on.

So now ppl are panicking.
And there you go.

No, they don't consider anything going on in my personal life, I guess they don't have to.
But I do.

Alexa's surgery has been brought forward.
I'm taking a week's leave to look after her AND
Supervise p.son only now to do his HSC Trial exams same week.
Other sons Trials are replaced by extra assessment tasks.
Same with Yvette.

SO I WON'T BE AT WORK.

I'm handing it ALL back for a whole week - diddums.
They said "well we can't do this program now, and we can't do this one... "
Hey, yes you can!
I'm showing them how from yesterday lol.
I expect them to do it ALL.

There are 50+ staff after all to share, what I've been doing alone, amongst them all.
BEACH? Bike rides? Gardening, cooking, housework ALL during work hours? omg I got angry.
And referred lol!

MAYBE p.son will be transferring back here for work as of ASAP yay!
Other kids' bosses are pulling strings to get him BACK.
So happy.

P.son told me of revolting bullying for him only today at the school down South.
If he EVER has to go back there, I will be FOLLOWING that up 100%.
Even if he doesn't.

Part relief but a lot of anger here.

A FULL NIGHT'S SLEEP sounds heavenly.

How are you doing Sleepy?
Sorry I forgot to ask Blue, how are you too dearest?

Gosh I'm angry.

Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM & all,

No shortage of joy in the Puffballs. Peace is relative - Mr Feisty has spent a goodly portion of the night attacking my clothes and trying to pull hairs out of my arm. Couldn't ever be mad at him though, he's too darn cute.

No worries. The way your kids are is a reflection of both their nature and what you've taught them. I understand about the good male role model. My brother has grumbled about that at times, too. I think there's something to be said for the fact your boys recognise this, though - consider how many boys have just grown up and copied the males around them, however unworthy those examples may be. And you've said yourself how stable and good they are. Seems to me they've stepped into to being their own role models just as I had to. Didn't work out so bad for me, now, did it? Tell 'em Aunty Blue says they're doing just fine! 😉 Seriously though, I agree with everything you told them. Solid parental advice, there.

I can understand you being hesitant to unwrap the parcel from your mother, that's got to be stirring up all sorts of feelings. Are you sure under the bed is the best place for it until you're ready to decide what to do with it? LM and I have a policy - bed is the place for peaceful objects only, be it in or under or beside. There's not much sleep to be had where emotionally volatile objects are drawing one's attention, whether or not we can see them. Just a thought.

Thanks, EM. I am incredibly grateful every day for LM, and the life we are making together. He is beautiful in so many ways.

I hear you about work. I guess I was lucky lockdown didn't last long here, the demands at work were astronomical, as yours are now. I see from your post to Sleepy that you're working on those boundaries and bouncing the extra work back to the slackers trying to palm it off onto you. Whether or not they consider your personal life, they do need to consider reasonable workloads for any individual and that it's their job to do their work, it isn't yours! Maybe you needed this anger, EM, it's getting some results. Bit concerned about this business of learning tech stuff over the week-end, though...

So glad the chickens are safe, dear things. Urgh, all those expenses aren't making it easier! Here's hoping half pay won't be necessary (& that Alexa's surgery goes well).

I'm doing okay, EM, thanks for asking. I wrote on your garden thread about some fun things.

Puffballs send a song.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, thanks for writing back!

I had a nap, then a call to pick up the kids at midnight. Still stressed. Not good. Was going to begin working on programs again and said NO to myself. I'm too tired, will make too many mistakes. It takes ALL my focused concentration.
I have deadlines by Monday and things not processing correctly. A royal pain.

Can't believe I had to argue with my bosses, I really can't.
By Zoom of all things. I truly wonder IF we had been in person, would they have been so disrespectful, doubt it.

No choice but to have more Zoom meetings over the weekend. 3 booked in and work either side. Just like any authoritarian strategy, keep the person / people you are most dependent upon SO BUSY that they can't look UP, but that is indeed what I need to do - more.

I need a higher perspective of HOW to get above this absolute tangly mess.
My bosses have zero idea at all.

I have my Plan.
No one likes what I've revealed so far - they don't know the HALF of it.
Right now, I don't really care. I'm doing it anyway. I'd rather that than call in my Union.
What's happening now is causing a drilling anger through to my bones.

I have lost any trust gained in my bosses.
They're ruthless when they feel exposed.
I SEE them, they hate that lol.
I don't call them out. I have done their work!

Hence I'm transferring it BACK.

Basically the climate is that this lock down, working from home, will last well beyond August. P.son's school has announced no students back for the forseeable future. Maybe after Sept/Oct hols, probably NOT. Wow.
His school and our area are hours away but under very similar lock down levels.
It's getting stricter every day. Very scary tbh. I can't even look at that stuff beyond what me and my children need to do to remain compliant.

Above all we are all happy p.son is mostly at home. He's back down there tonight and can't stand it. We need to transfer his work back asap.

Kids are suffering their own stressors with all this. Doing ok I think, which is good.

I will tell them what Aunty Blue said, thankyou lol. They're quite remarkable kids really.

One son said all they have to do is look at what demon did all thru his measly life and do exactly the OPPOSITE and they'll be happy and successful lol.
Not a nice POV but worthy in itself lol.

I need sleep!
Nighty night Blue, thankyou for the beautiful songs Puffballs!

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: dealing.

ONE boundary I promised myself is to be OFF line by 10pm, so a few minutes to write!

YES I worked all weekend except for a short shopping trip and a walk with my friend today.
SHE brought CLARITY to the reasons behind one horrible thing that happened last Friday.
She mentioned jealousy and I always deny anyone could be jealous of me IN ANY WAY.
It truly seems ridiculous.
But that's what it is.

My Supervisor's husband and I went to school together. Long story - he tried to date me tons of times over a long period (not when he was married btw). He shows FAR too much attn to me any time (I've told him I don't like it blah blah revert back to wife etc even before she was my supervisor).
During ALL those Zooms with the Community he would pop his head in and talk to me (in front of wife) and say "Hello beautiful!" to me not her... I deflected as per... same.

I've been AXED from doing the Zooms with her!
lol I can see the funny side of it now.
Terrible.

IF my friend had not brought this all up, I'd still be in the dark. SHE went to school with him too.

I'm contacting my Union rep tomorrow.
I can't live like this.
No I won't mention the jealousy garbage.
Only work stuff I have evidence of. Not personal intuition.

My U.Rep JUST needs to be kept in the loop atm. He probably won't stay out of it. It really is bad.
I can't deny my intuition on OTHER things though. I'm too old not to recognise a strong collaborative PUSH against me.

So ONE heavy week and next weekend too before I go on Leave to help Alexa.
I need written PERMISSION to do this now (drive anywhere in hard lock down) but she can't get herself to the hospital and back after surgery so yeah.
A taxi or Uber is not as safe as my car, we've had so many Covid tests for p.son travelling down south.
We KNOW we don't have it.

I'd be fine to have a Covid test EVERY DAY morning and night if it meant I could help her. Crikeys.

I got MORE than my work done on the weekend.
I completed Phase 1 of my Plan too! lol.

And set up the Daily 1h Zooms I was told to do every day next week IN ADDITION to my overloaded work week.
Done.
Content prepped.
"Invitations" emailed.

I can't wait to go out with a bang to go on leave lol.

Then I Pray I come back to work and a far cleaner landscape.

Now to sleep.

Love EM