new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Update: they're thick and fast now lol.

A really bad, sad and scary situation at work happened today. I held space with the people and referred them on for more support - pity these "urgent" cases aren't taken up immediately!
But all over this family has made some massive changes and I'm so proud of them. They took all my advice. Moved house too! I just hope we can continue to support them all and they can come through these horrid challenges.

My boss has called me as a priority staff member to be working on site weeks earlier than planned. That's good if it wasn't for my kids still learning from home. I need to be in TWO places at once.

BF is sick, he may have to see a GP soon. Hopefully he can get better.

I got the help of 2 kids to bring out stacks of unwanted stuff up for a Council pick up tonight. 4 yucky mattresses, a huge lounge, old carpet and lots of rubbish. Plus filled the neighbour's bins too lol.

I cleared the back door entrance to the downstairs (Uncle had stuffed building materials all in there). So now we can access downstairs THAT way too.
I found a tall wicker basket full of building materials. I'm stumped that people do such strange things lol.
Soon I will power water spray that basket and let it dry, THEN I can use it as a Laundry hamper in my room. I don't have one atm so that's GREAT!

Constantly repurposing anything I can. Constantly ORGANISING this rabble.

Alexa is meeting Joel's mother tonight. His mum has been busting to meet her, so that's sweet. Joel is keen to meet us all too and get involved in our lives and DO stuff lol. He already knows I've lined up some muscle jobs we need his help with, hahaha.
Alexa got some GREAT news from her Real Estate agent today, a renewed lease for another 12 months with only a $5 increase per week in rent. Such a relief for her.

I whipper snipped and leaf blew for hours this afternoon and worked beyond dark. We all had leftovers for dinner.

I'm going to use my leaf blower in my loungeroom soon. I need to re-arrange the furniture and there are so many spiders around erk! I can blow them out to the balcony and off the ledge lol.

Then clean the windows again!

I'm getting a little anxy over Joel coming to our house for the first time. Probably his MUM soon after, eeek!

I don't need things perfect, just presentable lol.
Return and Earn NEEDS to be this week. So many things to catch up on now things are slowly opening up!

Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

I'm glad you feel I get where you're coming from. You're definitely not alone. As you say, it's unfortunate that so many of us here get it because of what we've been through. We didn't deserve what we got, but we're making something worthwhile out of it.

Those are good reasons to be fiery, I too am protective of my loved ones (most especially my birds). Granted I'm also pretty fiery about any sort of injustice, and about things disrupting my attempts to get things done around severe executive dysfunction. Grr!

I'm glad you've had a chance to let the tears out - I of course know all about holding them back, I've never been a fan of displaying vulnerability, people like us know all too well that can turn bad in the wrong company. That BF held space for you through that is really important. Of course with all the things happening around you there will be reminders of your past and that gratitude you mentioned for being able to escape it. There's a lot of stuff for you to process right now.

Ugh, I'm sorry to hear that your financial plans were undermined. Some people make so much mess for others, they are beyond redemption. On the flip side, you said BF is willing to contribute a significant sum, and you have a friend who can help advise you through tax stuff. Brilliant.

Great to hear your counsellor called, you sure needed her support and guidance. Glad she could help you work through some things with Yvette, too. You've had some positives in there, not just hard knocks. So important.

I see you've finished that course you were doing, go you!

Sorry to hear about your neighbour turning abusive, I don't blame you at all for going NC. You don't need that in your life. I do want to say, though, that doesn't undo the good of the day before - you were in such positive spirits in your previous post, and all the good from that day is still there, more important than someone who can't be civil or decent.

Work calling you back in early makes things tricky, do you have a plan for the kids that are learning from home? Also, is BF feeling better now, or at least been able to see a GP?

Great to hear Alexa's lease is secured without too much of a price hike, that must be a relief.

I think I've covered everything of note. I'm here and listening. Puffballs send a song.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, thanks for popping in and I love Puffballs' songs as per lol!

Oh yeah that neighbour, atm I'm just pretending she doesn't live there lol. I haven't blocked her number but I plan to NOT answer any calls from her again. I'm done.

Psych friend said that's the problem with boundaries... once we set them up we think "okay that was hard but felt good" and we think it's done.
Then it presents to us again and again, awful.

I'm ordering delivery or take away tonight. I can't cook dinner and haven't planned anything either.

I hurt my back very badly yesterday afternoon, as bad as 15y ago which was bad.
The difference this time, though, is that I've had so much advice since about managing it, that I've done that this time. Still so much discomfort, making it hard to breathe. Won't take pain relief because I know myself! I'll think it's all okay and work hard then, so no.
I called my Chiro and left a message for an emergency appt ANY TIME asap next week.

Yep the work thing - well it's changed THREE times this week, Lord knows now lol....
The kids are all good learning from home but getting used to NOT having mum around could be rather de-stabilising for them eg I've been making wholesome meals all day long for them.
They've been to absorbed to do anything like that.

p.son's NOT going back to school and will only go back for his HSC Exams in Nov. Today we planned how to move him home after his exams. Alexa and an AC offered to drive him down and back which is AWESOME.

I won't be going back on site for a few weeks (atm). We've had lots of sad crises in our Community which affects my clients, so having me working from home and covering all of these cases is our Client's best interests as my bosses have asserted.

Yep DONE THAT COURSE lol. Thank GOD it's over, I got so sick of it!
Finished another short one this week too.
Need to complete one from LAST YEAR this coming week (it must've been done while I was on leave last year).
Crikeys.

Alexa's a bit sad as her health issues are challenging even the best Specialists here 😞
She's joining my Industry Health Fund with Hospital cover too... the Specialists said she needed it as her issues will be ongoing as far as they can tell.
BUT on a happy note, oh so happy, Joel is a sweetheart. His mum LOVED Alexa lol (who wouldn't? says her mother), so all nice and happy there 🙂

I DID leaf blow my loungeroom lol. More to do but too sore today ugh...

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: strange things..

I have a feeling that the call from that neighbour last week was "staged".
I think her call was recorded.
She tried to get me involved with something and I blatantly opposed it, asked her not to do it herself on repeat and she tried everything to make me compliant.
She pushed and pushed so hard that, now I've processed it, I've come to realise that it was a VERY strange phone call.

I wouldn't give her (or anyone) demon's address - not that I know it anyway, not that I'd give it to her or anyone but the Police or Govt Authorities IF I had it. I only have last its addresses from Court docs and there were LOTS of those then lol. Bed hopping it was.

She also demanded his workplace details. IDK his details! As above, I'd only give share stuff with Govt Authorities.
Child Support stopped abruptly months ago, so as I figured a long time ago, demon would resign as soon as possible to avoid paying child support. I believe it has now. It never voluntarily paid child support, the $27 / month for all these kids ever... it took CS Agency over a year to begin taking the payments from it's workplace pay system directly.

The major point, is that I HAVE moved on.
She "accused" me of still loving him - LOL! As I said to her, "I nothing 'demon'".

My mind never goes to thinking about details of demons life now.
I worked thru that years ago, it's stuck in its own disordered mind and many addictions so nothing would have changed ONLY the people demon's causing harm to.

I'm a total advocate of the belief that the ONLY form of revenge worth anything, is living your best life.

I'm doing that lol!

My back injury has much improved but I still need an appt with the Chiro asap this week.
The injury radiated out further.
My pelvis fracture was so noticeable, like a tectonic plate disrupted and it was sticking out.
Now my same old 3 vertebrae are doing same.
Still pinching nerves in my hips radiating down my legs causing pins and needles in my feet.

Today I need to drive for the first time since injuring myself.

BF travelled from Montana home to Seattle yesterday for the first time in weeks.
He's been unwell and I suggested he get a few things from the chemist, which he did and was improving.
Not sure if he's 100% yet, will find out today 🙂

Due to my financial sitch atm, I asked the kids to heat up frozen dinners last night instead of take away.
It always costs minimum $100 for take away when everyone's home. Too much atm.

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: getting on with things.

Another day another dollar (spent) lol. I seem to be paying far more out in bills than what I'm earning atm but that's how it goes some months.

I'm doing REALLY well making all meals from scratch to save money. Only $200 spent on food the past 2 weeks so that's great. Digging around in the freezers and pantries to create "interesting" meals lol... the kids aren't complaining. Surprisingly they're really happy to have more home made meals, so that's nice.

Chiro made an emergency appt for me today. Hopefully he can put my back, back into place in many places.
My electric blanket has been a Godsend to warm my back all night. I've healed alot but can still feel all the places my back is poking out, sigh.

My kids are not happy to be going back to school. Yvette is the most upset about it. She's determined to leave school on the first day she's allowed to next year, by Govt rules. I'm leaving that decision up to her, she wants to keep working and take a break from any forms of study for as long as she wants to. I support this.

P.son is interacting with us all at times. He's sleeping well and alot. I'm concerned he doesn't want to interact with any friends up here but he's leaving that until after his HSC exams, he said, so that's ok. He has his first work shift back up here this weekend. He's feeling a mix of nervousness, excitement and relief lol.

Having my back injuries flare up has really put a stop on all my hard and heavy work.
I think the supplements I'm taking has increased relaxation of my muscles and even my mind, I've been sleeping well and alot, so I must've needed it lol.

The first vax made me feel nauseas for so long, that hasn't helped. Oh well it's the Govt's rules so that's that.

Alexa's children have begun at a non-Govt school now. It was at Shep's insistence so I was suspicious. His family has an interest in the school so that's another thing lol.
But the kids LOVE it and that's the most important thing. Alexa is good about it all now since the influence of the school has made Shep step up and be a better parent, at least from the outside looking in.
Still the kids have been very clear they'd prefer to live with Alexa full time, but this can't happen. Family law doesn't support this kind of thing any more, sadly.

Alexa and Joel continue to have a lovely relationship, but the kids are not involved in this at all atm.

Hope all are well!
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: coping well.

There's not a day goes by that I don't think about how different my life is now, now that the FV / DV is behind us.

Some days it's a numb feeling, sometimes I can't breathe thinking about what went on and sometimes I can breathe so deeply and freely and I'm grateful.
I'm still getting used to this "new life" even after so many years.

I'm grateful that I had the conviction to stand 150% by my decision to end it all, come what may at the hands of Family Law and all other authorities involved.
I have a lot more to say about all that went on afterwards but not tonight.

Tonight I was home alone for the first time in months and I was scared. I checked things like I used to. I turned on all lights possible etc.

Today was the first day this year that I wound up the heavy metal shutters on my bedroom windows.
I didn't feel comfortable with them open / up, but I enjoyed the free flowing breezes allowing fresh air into my bedroom.

I enjoyed finding my favourite Interior Designers on YT and have watched / listened to many of their clips as I got about my house work. I got so much inspiration from them, they gave me ideas to try out and I began doing stuff. They have such a POSITIVE attitude. They use many natural fibres, 'light designs' with some "moody" colours, really beautiful.
I won't spend money on things to change things up, not yet anyway lol.

Alot of it involved cleaning well, polishing up furniture AND taking lots of daddy long legs spiders out on my broom to the garden lol. They LOVE the corners of my rooms, but out they go!

Now the Hallway looks pretty classy. We did the bathroom last week, had a HUGE clean out and just left what we can use now, stored the rest to use later.
Still working on the laundry but it's looking so lovely.
Chipping away at my bedroom, getting there slowly.

I only have three major goals to achieve over and above the normal stuff before I go back to work on site... one is to re-arrange our loungeroom, another to wash and vacuum my car, lastly scrub the porch downstairs. I'd love to do this all really thoroughly eg Tung oil the floors etc. All depends on my back, so we'll see.

Still making all meals and enjoying how much the kids are loving this. Makes me smile.

The path of recovery is strange yet very interesting.

Hope everyone's doing well!
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: more discovery.

Today I got to speak with my psych friend. Amongst a lot of catching up, I spoke with her very openly about some things my Counsellor has said I "should" do, over time.

One thing psych friend said was (sic) "anything you think of that can't be dealt with today or isn't about planning positively for the future is simply 'anxiety'". Food for thought lol.

Anyhow Counsellor has said many times that I should be making more friends. I've skirted that every time, responded but deep inside I disagreed.
I've been quite anxious about this and last year sought many groups I thought I'd be interested in joining to no avail. Most were closed due to Covid and there weren't really ANY I'd actually like to join. I was just doing it to be compliant really.

In the absence of success doing this, I reached out to many old friends and re-connected.

Now, well I feel this is all "busy work". It was like my C had a checklist and needed to check that sector off or something. I also intuit around that time, that her marriage dissolved. Psych friend said my Counsellor was "projecting" her own fears about her future and put them on me.

Interesting.

I explained how this caused me lots of anxiety and Psych friend said "OF COURSE IT DID, this fulfills the purpose of therapists".... yet another upside down thing to do IMHO.

We're stretching sessions out to monthly or more now.

Also psych friend informally diagnosed me with ADHD. "Obviously" she said. Yep.
This is a long story, similar to the evolution of diagnoses for autism, so now I get it.
No surprises there for me.

I finally put my "new" electric lawn mower together today. I had some mini panic attacks, and knew I'd be unregulated and why, so BF stayed with me on the phone and talked me down and through the process.
I'm very grateful for BFs support and pretty proud of myself tackling it, albeit NOT actually by myself lol.

I'm also really enjoying doing the whole deep cleaning, minimalising more, organising and "styling" my indoor spaces. I took all the grandkids' art work down off the walls, I'll laminate every one lol. Then scrubbed the walls clean, removing framed photos and other art work, cleaning the frames & walls etc.
"getting there" wherever "there" is!

Feeling a lot better about the spaces and my capacity to cope with things in them.

Doing well,
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: more on same topic...

Psych Friend said that C has been "projecting" on to me in our sessions. I agree. Since PF said this to me, I realise there are other things she's done also.

I asked PF, Why would my C say these things? Because they feel like really undermining comments, creating thought processes in me that I wasn't worried about AT ALL.

Another has been about BF.
She's ONLY said I should break up with him. It's about having a long distance relationship apparently.

I guess since her marriage broke up, after moving here from the U.S. this is how SHE feels ie she should never have moved here.

Anyway lol I felt alot more grounded after talking this through with PF.
I don't bother her to talk with me all the time. She's so busy. It's nice when we get the chance though.

NOT racing around making inauthentic friendships has allowed me the much needed time for INTROspection.
Reflection. Ofcourse doing mountains of work in my garden and inside my home. All with the support of the BB forums.

I have SUCH awesome friends already. Some live a long way away and the ones close by are super busy too, but they're there and we love each other unconditionally it seems.

I'm reveling in the experimental approach to re-arranging the rooms in my home AND rooms in my garden.
Everything was in such a state of devastation, still spots of that evident.

So it feels REALLY nice to make things nice.

I brought up a HUGE change to the kids over dinner tonight and they were shocked lol. Totally changing the dining room all around. The SHOCK on their faces... yep time for a change lol. I said if we don't like it then we can just change it back! then they agreed lol, oh dear. It's literally been the same for 20 years hahaha.

I found a great cleaning combo involving my leaf blower inside lol AND a hand held vacuum. Great for getting all cobwebs off walls and ceilings and all stuff out of window channels etc. Then I've been scrubbing the walls clean.

I decided to get all the storage boxes out of the house (again) and keep them on the balcony for now. This way I can re-organise my bedroom and the lounge and dining rooms.
They need to go on the shelves I had constructed last year downstairs but it's impossible to get to them now, we took in more ACs stuff for storage - hmmm.

Always so much to do but it's been lots of fun getting things neat and pretty.

Back to work on site next week if I'm well enough, that'll be interesting lol.

Love EMxxxx

[Jstar49]

Hey Em,

Just finished catching up a bit here....wow so much change! So interesting to read you letting go, almost, of your...dependency?? on your C- that sounds really healthy to me, esp if as you say many of her comments were more about herself than you. It must be so easy to allow clients to become dependent upon us, as workers in the caring professions. I've noticed it myself. At tafe we were taught to let ppl do for themselves what they can. And now, in my work, I've noticed a tendency, in me, to do FOR ppl, even when they could do it for themselves.

I remember you saying your C wasn't incredibly supportive of BF and you, together. How strange now in hindsight!

It all reminds me a bit of a C I had. In the end I had to say goodbye, because I recognised that her own non-relationship with her mother was not helping me to process mine. I knew what I wanted to happen, how I wanted her to facilitate us, but she wasn't able. I haven't really trusted another since. There's a part of me that holds itself in reserve, and I'm clinically assessing what they're doing, and how useful they can be for me, based on their own limitations. I guess I know myself so well, and just need to work thru the disappointments as they arise. But know that nothing will be 'fixed'. I have to learn to live with the disappointments, in my case. For trauma I'm guessing it's different.

Happy to read of you opening your bedroom shutters and letting the breeze blow thru....symbolic!

Ha, adhd...? That explains some stuff....Like your phenomenal energy.....!! Is it hereditary du think?

The latest Grassroots mag has some great quick easy meals. I'll do a quick check....

pea and ham soup in the slow cooker- veg from the reduced section, ham from the deli aisle.....split peas...

Bacon and egg pies, using store bought puff pastry to line a tray, eggs/milk + ham added in, lots of parsley, pastry on top, sealed well, knife a couple of holes, bake flip, bake some more for a crunchy bottom.

Apple pudding, with pie apples and a sponge cake mix. shepherds pie.

I've been craving home made hamburgers, so I finally bought some fatty mince and mixed up a batch, with half in the freezer for lunches or surprise meals. It tastes so much better with fatty mince- lean mince just won't cut it...Wouldn't it be lovely to have a cook in the house, like all the old Enid Blyton books?

Love

J*

[ecomama]

Hey J*, hahaha.... I'm definitely the Cook in the house. BF LOVES to cook, he's got subscriptions to all sorts mainly Scientific cooking mags lol. His family has all sorts of contraptions to measure everything hahaha. They are MASSIVE cooks, love doing really fancy BBQs. 😳

Love Grassroots mags.
NOW I realise why my last meat patties failed. I used lean mince but avoided using eggs due to P.son's sensitivity to them... yeah.

The next feast I cook will be our Sunday Roast which is all Asian this week! 😂

Yes ADHD. Psych friend answered many questions I had, in that one Psych had said I couldn't have it due to having "high executive functioning" BUT indeed like Autism, those checklists used are based on males.
Females can exhibit different manifestations.
So yes I do. It DOES explain this energy very much lol and tons of other stuff.

I had TWO major goals to achieve (on top of all else) before returning to work next week. I always get distracted by ALL these other things that catch my eye and interest (yeah adhd there too). EG I spent 4 hours weeding the driveway lol. Bindii are driving me nuts out there.
1 was to rearrange, clean and "redecorate" our loungeroom. 90% of this is done now. It was SO dirty lol.
I need to buy some sheer material to latch up there as the curtains.

2 is to wash, vacuum my car, plus clean under the hood ofcourse! My grandfather would be so proud lol. With almost FULL water tanks, I can let myself do this now.

I'm BURSTING to use my new electric lawn mower!
Plus I need to buy an electric hedging tool. My trees need hedging I've decided. This makes me feel happier than cutting them down - eeek! Plus a reciprocating saw. I need so many tools to keep doing all this heavy yard work.

Yes I opened the shutters, finally. The cat LOVES it! hahaha. There's a ripped out part (thanks demon) that the cat can go in and out of. So I'm getting used to them open for my cat. Then I cleaned the windows AND the sandstone ledge out the front and the shutters - I've been going wild with the cleaning.

Yeah, not sure how I feel about my C. I know for sure that I'm supposed to keep up therapy for the rest of my life, apparently, due to C-PTSD. We spaced sessions out to monthly. I'll see how next week's session goes.

Better get back to work!

Talk soon
EMxxxx