new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_1643]

Hey EM!

I understand being cautious with the c, Hope u land exactly in the right spot of either staying, going or questioning her.

The meal Ur making sounds super.....a good meal during these wild times, with loved ones, gratitude and blessing .

I've got a kmart weighted blanket that I'm hunched under ATM, it's not as good as maybe a fancier one... LOL.. but it's nice.

I really related to u writing about how some things don't change much with lockdown opening. Like it changes maybe the superficial things, but so much is, has been and will be impacted, so opening for example, reasutrants, doesn't really affect our lives...

Sending love and good meals

[ecomama]

Sending LOVE and lotsa good wishes to you too Sleepy my friend 🙂

I know it's amazing isn't it, how "everyone else" (because it's not REALLY everyone else) could be talking about this & that & all else they missed doing during lock down and ALL the things they want to do at opening up... but yeah, nothing much at all will change for me, and I see by your post, you either.

IDK it's just life for me / us atm.

I've been thinking quite deeply about it all lately (and a BIG spur on thinking about it all last year at my Cs insistence) and I don't know what I'd change anyway.... possibly being able to have BF visit Australia? If it means him having to quarantine then he can't come. He'd be LUCKY to get 3 weeks in a row, so yeah IDK.

IDK is the response lol, to SO many things.

It's hard to believe but I have SO much more to do here... there are spaces downstairs I haven't even ventured IN to since the demon era. (Wow autocorrect just worked for the first time). Hmmm.

I'll absolutely love making the Asian Roast on Sunday lol. Yummo.

Weighted blankets are all the rage atm aren't they? Do you find it comforting?
One son swears by his. Alexa suggests them a lot to her clients and they're helpful. Me? My feet wouldn't cope with the weight. Not sure exactly what's going on with my legs and feet, one podiatrist said my muscles were "too over developed" and will cause pain... then guess what lol it happened.
I took a long hot bath with Epsom salts and having magnesium as well seems to be a good combo and lasts for a few days.

I think with my C, I'll see how next session goes. I'm kinda getting the feeling that she's retracting. I've found this can happen when a therapist feels they can't help you any more. Like I've used up all she has to offer but IDK. She helped me so tremendously through the continuing DV abuse carried out by agencies because of demon. Plus a lot with my relationships with my children in the midst of it all and in the aftermath.
Even now too.

I've said to her before that I really need an objective "sounding board" to keep me on track with approaches.
Especially since there was no one to model good parenting in my life. Most of my learning about it all was through reading / study, trial and error.
She's brought so much light to how my reactions to things (I didn't realise) were from events from my childhood. No one else has been able to recognise any of this stuff. She's gifted as a Counsellor.

How are things going for you?

Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM (& J*, Sleepy & all),

Again, sorry I haven't been around much. I'll expand on that in my own threads, suffice to say my energy has been at rock bottom.

How is your back doing now?

Sorry to hear your counsellor seems to be projecting. Chances are she doesn't even realise it - she may have a lot of insight about a lot of the things you're dealing with, but her own stuff she may well just be too close to, to see it for what it is or what she's doing.

Interesting your psych friend thinks you have ADHD. Honestly, it wouldn't surprise me. I remember you saying one psych told you you couldn't have it because you had "high executive functioning" - the very words you told me when I first questioned if I had it myself. I think executive functioning is a very difficult thing to quantify from an outside perspective. Sure others can see we have jobs and houses and whatnot. What they don't see is us bouncing from task to task and doing a million useful things that were not at all what we needed to be doing. What they don't see is the sheer amount of energy poured into the most basic aspects of functioning. A twenty hour work week knackers me out like twice that does to a normal person. I still have the normal household and family stuff to manage around it, and all that stuff, with no actual deadlines or anything to keep me on track, takes way longer than it should and tonnes of energy to keep even slightly on task. And yet I've had periods like you of working heaps and doing a lot at home and looking to all the world like I function. The personal cost of that sort of thing is huge, though. What compels us to be active, or overactive, also unravels us at the most fundamental level and it catches up when we have a moment to stop. If any of that sounds familiar, it's entirely possible you have ADHD. Psychs without background in the condition can come back with really daft reasons to deny diagnosis, though - my ADHD coach said one told her she didn't have it because she didn't have a history of substance abuse. Er, what? Not everyone follows the worst case scenario trajectory, dude!

Sorry I'm a bit scattered with this reply, the longer I leave posting, the more backlog there is to reflect on and the harder it is to keep track. Anyway, I'm listening and here as always, even if I do get a bit scrambled. Kind thoughts and a song from Puffballs.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, thanks for dropping by. I'm REALLY unwell from the vax atm, getting tests done, urk. Hope you feel better soon! Hugs.

Re: ADHD, yes, most of what you've described fits. I seldom have the "come down" though. Psych friend keeps up with cutting edge research, so is very much 'ahead' of the general understandings.
Saying that the diagnoses' of ADHD is troublesome for females, similar to Autism, due to the criteria being based on males as with Autism made a lot of sense to me. Now that this is more understood for Autism, more females are being diagnosed, many quite late in life. Apparently this is similar to the issues of diagnosis of ADHD for females.

The relentless stories of how different (and difficult) I was to manage as a young child, mainly with crazy endless energy, needing very little sleep adds to my understanding. Nothing's much changed there lol. I was very "naughty" but conformed quickly at a young age.

When I presented as unwell to my GP yesterday, I said "I had a multiple birth pregnancy and worked over a 70h work week, travelling 100klm to work and back"... after the first phrase of that sentence both the Nurse and the Dr jumped in and said "OH so you had really bad morning sickness"... I had to finish my sentence. The thing is that NO, I didn't. My symptoms right now are 50 x worse than any feelings of morning sickness I had or the feelings of sea-sickness I've ever had.
My energy levels were still SO high with a massive pregnancy, it remained this way during the entire time. I was even put on bed rest in hospital lol - I couldn't stay in bed. The midwives were NOT happy with me ugh.

I DO 'lose focus and switch tasks minute by minute' as you described. I had huge struggles with study. Things that worked for other ppl, didn't work for me. I had to develop my own strategies and they were convoluted!

Work has been tricky but I think staying in the same profession for decades has given me time to do develop the strategies needed. I have LISTS everywhere, mainly on my phone now.

But it's all tricky as many of my 'ways' are also because of trauma. Having some AWFUL bosses has not helped with triggers in the workplace, not only for me, but for others also.

I hope you can rest well and feel better soon.

LOVE Puffball's songs, thanks fluffy babies lol.

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: illnesses due to the vax.

I haven't made it common knowledge but I never wanted to get the Covid vaxes. I just had a feeling that they would impact my physical health in a really negative way and that's what happened.

The first vax had a horrible impact. My Chiro measure my blood pressure and it was the highest on their records of almost 20y. I had nausea that diminished over 3 weeks but was still present at the 2nd vax.

My health has gone ballistic after the 2nd one. I saw my GP yesterday and he ordered tons of tests. I have baseball sized swelling of my lymph nodes under my arm. It's very painful. Today they're hard and feel more painful. All my joints ache, from my neck to my hands to my joints in my legs. I have nausea all the time.

I woke at 3am after the vax, not being able to swallow my own saliva. My tongue had swollen so big, I was unable to swallow. When I tried to talk, I was difficult to understand. I couldn't breathe properly unless I was sitting or standing upright.

I have waves of fevers, getting really hot and sweating then feeling so cold that I can't get warm. All within 30 mins. Back and forth on repeat.

This isn't fun.

So I'm off work. Not happy.

I hope everyone's doing well?

Talk soon.
Love EMxxxx

[Paw Prints]

Hello Em,

Oh lass that really sounds like you are in a bad way... I'm worried about you having trouble swallowing etc... please lass make sure you have one of your kids at home with you at all times in case you worsen & need to call an ambulance...

Sending you gentle hugs

Paws

[ecomama]

Thankyou so much Paws, that's good advice!

Thankfully one child just happens to be home all the time atm, so that's good.

Well I got a whole lot of results today, which threw up even more questions, so more tests are scheduled to be sure of some things.

My GP put together a Care Management plan for Chronic conditions - something to that effect. Feeling pretty sad. I don't have the "hopeful" view but it usually comes after I validate myself, hopefully it will come.

It's times like these I really miss my Nana, my Pop, my elders. I just want a big hug from them.

I don't feel grown up enough to be "old" and the Matriarch of my entire family, I wonder if they felt this way at my age. Well Pop didn't make it to my age, so yeah. Nana used to be so open and honest about ANY question I asked her about anything. Even stuff like this I asked her about, just not THIS question specifically.

So tomorrow I have more blood tests, these are "fasting" ones.

I one diagnosis turns out to be correct, then it would answer so many questions as to my dizzy spells, feint feelings, probably even nausea. Certainly some of my food intake issues.

I've also had sudden weight gain the past few months, which I though was just due to sitting at a computer, working from home for months. My GP thinks I am "Insulin Resistant", not good.

My GP immediately put the plan together when I told him about the previous poisoning. Omg his eyes nearly popped out of his head when I told him.
My Chiro has wanted this kind of approach for me for over a decade, so he will be stoked lol. I included him in the Allied Health Professionals section.

If I was able to visit BF in Seattle, I'd be making an appointment with Dr Joe Dispenza. Maybe I can anyway?
Maybe via video call... IDK.

I want to book in Hypnosis sessions, just need to get a bit more well first as it's a long drive to the major city.

Re: the previous list of ailments including the swollen lymph nodes and swollen tongue, fevers, joint aches... my GP put it down to 100% the vaccine.

I plan to report this on the Govt website. I've heard through some medical friends, the Govt plans to take the vaccine I had OFF the schedule for us, so yeah. Great.
I guess we're always guinea pigs in trials like these. Another reason I didn't want it.

I hope everyone is okay? Or doing MUCH better than me atm lol.

Love EMxxxx

[monkey_magic]

Hi Em,

I too didn't want to get the vax and then succumbed to family/ social pressure and just did it. I also won't have a job if I'm not double vaxinated.

I was terribly worried I would be adversely affected but so far so good I think. I feel for you having to go through all that. I hope things get better for you.

[Guest_1643]

Hi EM, Hi Monkey ,

I've struggled with insulin resistance, and similar to u guys I wasn't in a rush to be vaccinated at all. I didn't do well on Vax 2 either.

Did u have to fast all day for the tests? Those ones are tricky I always put them off!

Even the overnight ones.

I hope u got some answers and are feeling OK. X

[ecomama]

Hey monkey, thanks. Yep so many people were in our situation. So snap!

Still having pretty awful side effects. All of my joints throb and more.

So much for the "you need the jab to work"! I can't work because of it!

And we're in isolation and need to be tested again because Yvette's school went back for 1 week!
So crazy. Grrr.
She only attended for 2 hours last week but is happy she doesn't have to go tomorrow lol...
we're putting off getting her test until tomorrow so she can wait until negative results return 😉

I haven't even checked my work email to see what's happening there.

People in our work, family and friends circles are so confused about what we're supposed to do in this or that event.

What a mess.

Hope you're doing well darling girl,
love EMxxxx