new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Dear Blue

Thanks for your post, I know things are really tough for you too atm. I've just written on one of your threads. HUGS.

Yeah being back at work, I wrote to Sleepy about that. Sorry Sleepy, you probably didn't even ask about that!

Work began with a BANG on Monday with that darling mum phoning me. Gosh I wish I could help them all so much more. We live too far away from them to visit legally and I wouldn't be allowed to via my work but it's WAY too much for me anyway.

And triggers of my own mum being absent for sooooooooo long and so many times when I was little.
Talk about triggers from infidelity too, throw it on the pile now....
Father GRRRRR. Thank God he's dead because I'd rip into him right about now if he wasn't.

That's ANOTHER letter I could write. But why bother. Piece of garbage.

Mama's Cubby lol, a much more pleasant topic!
I dreamt that we had a tressel table in storage under the house I could use in there - yay.
Also thinking of hoisting this HUGE old heavy work bench off of my balcony with lots of help, over the railings, sliding it down 2 ladders and into the Cubby too lol. (I was going to repaint that for inside but it's annoying me up here and there's no room inside so hey... that's an option).

I WILL need to pay someone to remove the laying roosts and set them up in the Chook Palace. A H of a lady at work does some odd Handyman jobs for staff - for payment of course, I dreamt of that solution also.
My girls just need their familiar beds. I don't want them in my Cubby so hopefully that'll help them settle more.

I forgot to call my friend R yesterday. I've been putting off calling her. She's a sweetheart but some things she asks about are just too hard to explain atm.

Basically I'm passing out due to all the triggers. Sleeping immediately.
Dreaming gently of solutions which is kinda cute that my psyche keeps searching for answers to help my real life lol.

Alexa is another topic. Horrible situation for her health there. She's barely speaking or communicating with me.
P.son trumped his Maths exam (almost 100% omg). He's extremely happy he's definitely a Band 6 for Maths.
His Maths teacher phoned him BURSTING with pride for p.son, that really made his day / week / crappy year lol.
Mr G said p.son was a SHINING STAR in his classes, just all the right things a dad would say also.

More triggers. demons family would call p.son names about his marks. they always did about me & all my kids academic achievements.

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: calming triggers.

Heavy triggers this week. Barrel loads of memories, I'd not remembered before, came rolling in.

My Journal: I intended to write to my C while she's away, I realised I wasn't being as open and honest as I needed to be.
So for the first time in my life, I decided to be 100% open and honest in my Journal.

Yesterday I was able to speak with BF very openly and told him my memories in detail. I could cry a little.
He was beautiful.

Then friend called also. She told me to forgive my father.
I said I wasn't ready to forgive him as my FURY at him had only just now surfaced.
I will allow myself to be absolutely FURIOUS with him. Until...

Alexa phoned and I didn't talk at all to her about anything that happened this week.
This allowed her the space and time to open up about what's been going on with her.
Sometimes she just needs her mum.

We're meeting today for a walk in the park with the dogs. P.son and the grandkids too. I'm really grateful we're still able to meet atm and that Alexa WANTS to. It was her suggestion which is lovely.

So the shakes have calmed down alot. Still there a bit. The sudden sirens going past multiple times all day and night aren't helping.

I was able to process each of my memories with an Exposure Therapy technique and cuddling those monsters strategy I've developed.
It's working, I'm grateful.

Alexa is ordering supplements for me to take before a vax shot coming up.
I wasn't going to get the vax. No point really. No vaxes have ever "taken" in my body, my bloods prove this over and over. But to keep my job, we're being forced to. A violation of Human Rights IMHO.
I've also had all the childhood diseases that my blood should show also, but don't.
It's a rare "condition" but Alexa has it too, so does one of her children.
All my other children / grandchildren have been so well, they've never had a blood test. Unsure if they have same condition.

Anyway I'm pretty pithed about the one size fits all approach when clearly it doesn't!

Will spend some time with my chickens, then make pancakes for breakfast. Yum.

My American grandson's birthday this weekend. He calls me Grandma lol. My Oz grandchildren call me Nana.
BF gets to go to his party, which is a novel idea to us in LD.

And so this LD goes on!

Take care everyone
Love EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

HI Em,

hang in there, thank u so much for sharing how you are going and the triggers and waves, connected to ur mum and memories, and also how you weren't told til later....

i can understand all of that

sometimes i watch movies and see little moments that no one else would notice.... like a movie i saw a few nights ago about a deadbeat dad who really doesn't help his kids, but once in the movie he apologises to them... it struck me as odd and weird....to me harm wouldn't be so hard to suffer if there was a big I'm sorry. It doesn't excuse....but it humanises...

You're doing amazing in my opinion..... did you get in some good rest???

so nice alexa and p son were keen to walk, ur lovely family seems to enjoy being together. xx

[ecomama]

Dear Sleepy

I think we do get along lol... mixes of some more than others at times but all round the kids get along really well.

Alexa & I worked out what's happened in our communications... I haven't been getting her texts via regular phone app since MARCH this year. She also texts via WhatsApp sometimes.
I thought she wasn't talking to me much and she thought I wasn't talking to her much.

We enjoyed ourselves at the park but it wasn't like "normal". Ppl were being all suspish at others etc. Ran into an old friend and she was really distant but works at a Respiratory Centre where I decided to book in for a vax. Need to cancel my other appt.
My anxiety alleviated somewhat for a while.

But after my nap this afternoon, it's back!
I'm not sure what to do about it at this time of night. It's raining so yeah, that too outside, so will be muddy in the garden tomorrow.

Watching that silly comedy game show Would I Lie To You on ABC iView but it's not cutting it tonight lol.

I know, I'd like to search for some stuff for my Cubby. Maybe Solar powered lighting (I'd love some fairy lights in there) and I saw a wood burning thingy that boils water in the urn around it but also powers up your phone lol!

I was watching a Tiny House Channel on YT and love seeing how well they organise their spaces. It's so interesting!

I also love the Greenie / Food growing Channels. Gets me in the mood to do things like Organise / clean my garden tools. I'd like to go through my seeds too... but they're all downstairs and I've found lots of spiders around lately.
I guess with my girls cooped up, we're going to see more spiders around now darn it.

Love you lots, hang in there, really feeling it with you atm, take care!
EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Yeah, things aren't great for me at the moment. Your hugs are welcome.

I understand how much work is affecting you at the moment, your empathy and the quite significant triggers there couldn't fail to have an impact. Apologies for the triggers re infidelity, I guess that would be coming from my thread. On one hand, you invited me to talk about it, on the other, I'm not nuts about harming you in so doing. 😕

After mentioning your father, you said: "That's ANOTHER letter I could write. But why bother. Piece of garbage." Assuming you mean writing a letter to him (the kind that was never meant to be sent even if he were still around), you know I can answer the question of "Why bother?". It isn't about him or his worth. It's about how you are feeling and what you need to get out of your system. But I suspect you already know that. Says me who has never followed that particular piece of advice re anyone in my own history...

Mama's Cubby must be a decent size if it can fit a big work bench and possible a trestle table as well. Did you actually have one in storage, or was that just a nifty idea your dream offered you? I hope you've had some time to do stuff in your cubby and/or garden in general. Hopefully you can resolve the problem of getting the chicken roosts into their new palace soon and without too much expense.

I've been known to put off calls like that. You're in struggle town at the moment, it's okay to defer a call or two when you can't deal with it. I'm glad you are getting decent sleep - not glad about the triggers, of course, but I guess at least they've been a catalyst for getting you to stay in bed, you've worked like crazy and need rest, even outside of the extra mental stress on top. And dreaming of solutions is neat. I barely dream, and they're usually pretty wacky if I do, no solutions there unfortunately. Meditating is good for that, for me.

Glad to see you have a mere technical glitch to blame for communication problems with Alexa. Hopefully that can be rectified now and you can reach each other readily.

Great work for Prodigal Son on the exams, he deserves some positive feedback and to feel proud of his achievements. By all means pass on my congratulations. 🙂 Sorry that also comes with triggers - maybe that can be turned around with the positives coming his way this time?

Honest journalling now, too. You're a step ahead of me, there! Proud of you, friend.

Puffballs send a lullaby.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue,
Aww sweet! I LOVE a song bird lullaby lol! Thankyou Puffballs!

And thankyou also for the congrats for p.son, he's chuffed. And he also got his transfer through formally today! So he can begin work up here sooner or later... his work boots are down south sooo yeah another expense to help out with no doubt.

No Blues, the talks of infidelity with you didn't trigger memories of father's crap lol. It was the mum who went into a psych ward last week (a family I support thru work), it was THIS that triggered OH SO MUCH, oh so much. My brother's wake - father didn't turn up to after his funeral. Mother frantic that father must've had an accident on the way home. Then she phoned everyone she knew and when there was no one left to call, she realised in that moment father must've been having an affair and was with her instead of with us.
And he was the dirtbag.

So it was the mum last week, not you at all dear lady. Never.

It triggered all sorts of "lost" memories of days of neglect from the day after brother's funeral. My own mother admitted herself into a psych hospital and I was left alone for days at 3yo. I'll be honest, back then I thought everyone must have died like my brother.

Change topic lol!!

I agree about that letter or 50 chapter book to my father lol!! Right now, I don't feel like going there in my Journal. I'd have to burn it! hahaha. But I am angry and that's an emotion I don't recall having about him much before. More pining and not understanding. Hey I'm growing up and have the REAL emotions about him now.

So I'll let myself be angry for X long.
Then be done, the POS excuse for a parent. I crap all over all of them as parents. My Father's Day wishes said so lol, all my kids thanked me for being their mother AND their father.

Cubby, yes it'll fit a long tressel table (from under the house) and probably this big thing on the balcony too. Will start with the tressel first. When the roosts are removed, it'll fit more in there, just only want to bring stuff IN there that's worthwhile and usable. The dirt floor is on a slant so that's problematic.

Atm I'm more thinking of how to re-organise my bedroom better. Tough decisions to make! What to do with all broken wardrobes; keep? Alter? or chuck out? I probably need them ALL so IDK right now.

Off to your threads now, see you over there.

Love EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

hi all! Hi Blues, thanks for always thinking of me as well here and that warm welcome always... thank u so much. it makes me feel really encouraged always to join in. much love to u both and to J, Croix, Mark

How exicting for P.son!! how has he been doing since he got that news??? so happy for u all!!!!

Hi EM I was wandering how you've been, are there still loud sirens? how hard to talk and connect through that with BF. hope u can line up some quiet moments.

I love the skincare chat, how was the black soap??? such a cool treat. I bought a blush which I was excited about, i saw a model on a "go to bed with me" kind of thing where they show thir nighttime routine.... she said she puts a little blush n the top of her nose (tiny bit) to look just a little sunburned.... lol... like fresh and healthy. I hope the blush will make me feel fresh, on the parts of my face that are visible!!

Hope ur doing okay and finding ur beautiful self care is helping.

A DV counsellor told me rcently that self care is a powerful act of resistance. it echod as true to me, what do you think? much love to all here, thinking of u all and hoping ur all safe, and doing good. 

Blues, did I remember you were doing some baking? Sorry if that was a long time ago. Would b interested to hear what you're making.

I tried making some cocount rosewater cupcakes. They're pretty fancee x

[ecomama]

Hey everyone,

Hi Sleepy! Sorry I missed your post um SIX whole days ago! I think my Thread was put onto Page 2 so yeah "Object permanence" lol. Sorry dear.

Oh yeah I used that black paste stuff once but I think it's a MASK oops. My skin felt so dry as it dried that I quickly washed it off. But my skin felt really nice afterwards lol. IDK, so wary of "dry" feeling stuff, I think my skin IS dry already, quite the opposite of my children.

Hope the blue soap works well!
Seriously Sleepy, I don't have a "routine" lol! I carry around the thickest Nivea moisturiser, like I have 5 pots of it. One in my gardening bag, one in my car, in the bathroom, next to my bed, on my balcony. This way if I SEE it, I'll put it on, usually.
Otherwise not much else as a routine.

Re: that Counsellor's explanation of self-care being an act of resistance... I find that strange tbh. Like it's in defiance we can be doing this. Can you ask her in resistance to what?

If it's what I think she meant, then that's still "attachment" in my POV.

My aim is to DE-tach from acts and experiences of the perps.

I think self-care is just that, acts of SELF-care (quite the opposite of habits we may have developed and had reinforced by perps of abuse). I think quite often survivors of long term DV / FV can mimic a perps words and actions to themselves, neglecting themselves etc in efforts to satisfy the demands of the abuser...

so perhaps it's an act of defiance but I would really rather not think I'm "against" anything, rather behaving normally and doing what normal ppl do lol, regardless of my diagnoses! hahaha.

I think Blue bakes a lot!

Look at you baking fancee rosewater cupcakes! Wow I'm so impressed! lol.

I'm cooking heaps due to financial pressure atm. Sorted thru our pantry, dug out almost everything from the deep freezer. Found a Butter Cake mix, soon I'll add some strawberry yoghurt & almond milk I found, instead of using our cow's milk in it. Plus making a Thai Soup tomorrow. Nigiri tomorrow night. Got lots in the works lol.

P.son is fighting depression atm. The school wants him to go back down there in Oct and stay for a full 5 weeks - 2 weeks for a "study program" - bit late for that! then 3 weeks KSC exams.
I said not to. Exams are plenty!
They'll hardly kick him out by missing 2 weeks this late in the game. Plus they'll want his RESULTS lol!

Talk about being defiant lol.

Talk soon Sleeps my friend!

Love always
EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

Hi Em, no worries lovely! Sorry Ur lovely son is struggling but great he can take the time at home and sounds good he can have those two weeks. Shudder, study sessions ar school....never was a fan either ! Go you with the defiance

Defiance always needed LOL

A lot of ppl say "don't let the abusers win" not sure how u feel about that, I feel mixed....I agree there's always this engagement with them, a lot of me still feels affected by them ...

Sounds like gardening has been awesome during lds, how are the lovely plants? Sending love

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy, yes lol he's not going to that 2 week study program, he said he's better off at home & I completely agree 🙂

I'm about to meet Alexa & the ACs & grand kids for a physically distant walk / fly kites in the park soon, but I'll be back.

My thread went to the 2nd page again so I missed you sorry again! I've barely been on the forums bec my work ramped up big time and the making ends meet financially hit the fan with making all food from scratch, digging around in freezers & cupboards, planning all food to the nth degree etc etc..

But I allowed myself a huge go back to bed after breakfast today. I needed that sleep!

Re: comments like "don't let the abusers win", if it helps at critical points then use it! Use whatever helps you.

I totally agree with your words about the engagement, even mentally & thoughtfully, as we're forging paths AWAY from those relationships. Not sure if recovery is possible when we're still IN those r/ships tho.

I liked the phrase that goes something like, "The best revenge is living your own best life".

I think recovery is based on US. Plumping up OUR lives to live the best we can, no matter what it takes to do so.
Just like recovery after a critical road accident. The injured may need STACKS of support to get better.

Some ppl who inflict major harm walk away Scott free, abusers do.

I found it really helpful to KNOW what type of ppl abusers are. In hindsight this work was probably akin to building the foundation of the 'recovery house' which is my own life - however it manifested and however I CREATED it to be.

Knowledge is power in this instance.

Abusers simply don't care about others except for what they can GAIN from using them and the glee they receive from abusing.

Once I could "type" them / "coin" them, I found it FAR easier to walk away and disengage, then pulling my focus on to myself and my life (mainly the kids, my career).

It's difficult for an empath to do, it was monstrously difficult for me and I can see it's difficult for you too, being an empath also.

Abusers target empaths. Knowledge is power.

My plants are awesome lol. Doing more hard yakka construction in the garden than plant based stuff. Put up 3 shade sails to help protect them. Have a bunch of rehabilitated plants I got from ppls curbside rubbish, they look good now. Am finding places to plant these and that's lovely.

Love you lots!
EMxxxx