new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Hey Blues, Thankyou for the hugs, the songs & your post.

It is sad. I had a little cry writing that, more about disbelief that a parent could be so cruel but in a very weird way she was THERE at least, father didn't care at all as he wasn't. So it was Stockholm syndrome.

No one could really effectively replace my C. My past and present is too complex, I am too. My C is the most experienced there. Another one would just annoy me lol!

Mama's cubby got more stick / weed removal from the walls yesterday. I didn't really have a "break" from working hard, just from work which atm is tediously sitting at a laptop ALL day long. Didn't take more leave, I'm not rostered ON site this week. I get to stay "under the radar" there. If I HAD to attend, I'd def let them know & NOT go.

As per I'm frustrated (angry tbh) about the incorrect Govt info online grrrr. There WAS a Testing centre open yesterday, found out too late grrr. Just GRRR.

Now we have to get priority vaxes. I wasn't getting the vax, none "work" on me, long story. Total waste on me & mine but lets inject the stuff anyway hey.

It was period stuff we felt unwell over. Really if we DID have it then wow, barely a symptom at all, gone in 2 days.

I'm up early prepping food for the girls lol. Will spend some time from dawn till 7 till I begin work, the did prefer their old ladder. I took the screen out.

Zooms all morning today, yuck. Gosh I'm complaining alot lol.

Yes Thank God for Alexa, no milk, bread, pet food. BIG stuff for us.

I could whinge about my brother NOT offering help but why bother lol.

Got tons done in the garden, looking more "tame" now hahaha. Removed gosh another 12 lantana stumps by myself. Need to burn them up. Moved lots of buckets of soil to even out some grassed areas. Moved tyres to the seating area we want to make. Still got piles of stuff everywhere. Just chipping away at it. Can't pay for help atm, esp now we know p.son will need to LIVE down South for longer now, that'll cost me a packet.

Hope I've enough saved for the fence. Save for CCTV repairs next I think? Um no, saving for the roof THEN CCTVs. Need to get my car serviced but need their loan car and can't have those during LD.
The boys' birthday is coming up, that's always exxy lol.

6am and light enough now to see my girls. Better go.

Have a great week.

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: first day back at work

***TW*** families in crisis, admission to MH facility

Lord I had no idea of the work I'd be doing when I joined this field. The difficult side of my work has become heavily laden with welfare. It's pretty sad that's what's happened bec we have appointed people for the welfare side.

We didn't have a "plan" for a pandemic.

We allowed families to choose contact people and my boss allocated the highest priority families to me as too many families chose me. Which is beautiful but not sustainable for one person.

Today a mum phoned me. It was such a privilege to 'be there' for her. She cried and cried. They've been through so much. I held space really well, then had to have a few cries this afternoon.
She's being admitted to a MH facility tomorrow for around 3 weeks and worries for her children. I'm the only Staff member she could tell.

Without permission from my bosses, I offered to call the kids every day. I offered the mum to call or text me if she wanted to from the facility, she's allowed to in this one. My bosses approved this after the call, thankfully.

Another miracle happened with work. My Leave was an incidental opportunity to PASS BACK so much work that others said they couldn't do. I trained these 7 ppl before I left (elements they've claimed to know before LD btw). Some did well, other I already knew would have trouble, didn't cope well with it.
My bosses listened to their difficulties and came to the miraculous realisation that I was doing too much!
So they made the ones who coped ok to KEEP their programs going and only ask me if they needed support.

So thank God for that. Now I have time to complete the many Courses I've supposed to have done already, or some of them at least lol.

Other than that, we all had our Covid tests today.

P.son FINISHED his last HSC Trial exam and he's happy!

My chickens seem anxious in their new coop. P.son and I are trouble shooting why that might be and plan to make some additions and changes to it for them. I'm thinking more walls. Already put their old ladders back in and took the screen out.

I got to spend an hour gardening this morning, removed 2 Ficus tree of all things. I thought they were lemon trees lol. Weeded heaps. Moved more tyres down. Moved the screen back UP! Found the spot for one bath worm farm. Unsure where to put the pond bath still.

Loving my time in the garden.

EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Hey everyone

Our tests all returned negative so we are now allowed out, as much as this continuing intense lock down allows.

Still the sirens persist. Each time one goes past when BFs on the phone, he says there's another up to $22 grand for your Govt! May be, maybe not. The longer this lock down goes on, the more the penalties increase. BF doesn't think this would deter anyone, I disagree. As much as I haven't SEEN anyone being arrested lately because we've been so confined. It's happening and I can't forget it. It's clearly adding to the PTSD.

We're about to go OUT and spend our last $25 vouchers for dinner that expire tonight.
Take away Pizza is the plan.

I ordered some Body Shop items which arrived tonight and they're lovely. After dinner I'll use some of these products. They're all based around my own self-care. I also bought a nice product for BF which I hope is allowed through the post lol.

Yvette finally bought a heap of linen online with my credit card. Plus she got some lovely jewelry making things too. This makes her happy. She's making lots of connections online with friends from school. They gamed and "streamed" together for hours last night in a "closed group". Glad these kids are keeping themselves cyber safe!

I worked out some potential issues with the Chook Palace. The girls couldn't access their food and water well via the new containers darn it. I might move them to the centre on the weekend by attaching them both to a star picket. I cleaned up their old water basin and filled it for them. Plus their old fave wok they used to eat from. Plus a timber crate they used as nesting, I don't think they like their new plastic stuff - recycled from the garden. They seemed alot more settled after that.

No movement at the neighbour's house. Not sure what's happening there. I keep adding to my savings above what I think the fences will cost which is around $5k, I hope NOT more.
I forgot we need a new AC next. I'm saving for that now.
Then CCTV.
Then the roof works.
THEN the ceilings.

No doubt LOTS will pop up in between 🙂

I "chooked" & gardened before work lol. Brought up buckets of soil to the worn areas way up the top of the back garden. I need to move tonnes of soil, I have places for it. So much has moved behind a retaining wall, pressing against the BACK fence now. This has to be moved.

I weeded heaps! Moved more tyres I found omg.

It's looking more "organised" at least.

Love EMxxxx

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Em,

I just popped in to say how very happy I am that you all tested negative...those few days waiting for the results feels like 3 years😂...

Stay safe lovely lady....and please remember to take a break from the hustle and bustle of working life...Sitting back and watching your chickens for some mindfulness practise even for 5 minutes a day...can make a difference to your beautiful soul....I think would be funny watching chickens....My neighbours chicken go crazy when I throw over my veggie scraps...I love watching them..

Kind thoughts Em....

Grandy..

[ecomama]

Hey Grandy

Thankyou so much. Yeah it felt like ages lol! I also felt bad asking Alexa to buy and bring us food, since she hadn't yet recovered from her surgery, so that was pretty sucky. She wasn't very happy doing that for us.

Being independent of needing that type of help was a relief.

Other than that it's business as usual in LD lol!

I DID take 5 mins to meditate in my garden this morning. It was beautiful. All the blossoms coming out on the trees. I could smell a really sweet fragrance, maybe orange blossoms?
I took all the jasmine down on our side of the fence but it could've been jasmine fragrance too.
Those few moments set me up well for another challenging day working from home.

Chickens are such beautiful creatures, I wish we had more scraps to feed ours! I found some weevily brown rice in the cupboard and thought YUM lol I cooked that up for them, but they're really fussy. They ONLY like rice with flavouring! I keep all the kids left over sauces from their take aways and pour them all over it, only then they'll eat it lol.
SPOILT chickens. Lovely things.

Our eggs have all bleached since they moved in there. They ate so much grass there, maybe that's what bleached their shells? IDK but they're still make great poached eggs lol.

OH and we went to use our Vouchers tonight and the pizza place didn't accept them ugh!
I paid for that and most kids didn't want pizza anyway lol.
So we got the staff discount at their workplace instead and then realised the Govt extended the expiry date for the vouchers until June 2022, yay.
I paid for that too and kept the vouchers. So much for the saving some money tonight lol.

Back to home cooking tomorrow night. It was nice to have a break from that for a night.

Another son's been promoted, he just told me.

Showing UP during this LD is really shining a positive light on my kids and myself in our workplaces.
P.son is hibernating but that's best for his MH atm.
He told me he's learning French lol and just bought 2 novels in French to read. I thank God he's doing so much better. He really needs a long time feeling safe in his environment.

Sooner or later he'll have to return to his attic room down South but hopefully ONLY just for a very short time and then be back home for good.

Thanks for popping in Grandy. I always appreciate your posts and you.

Love EMxxxx

[Jstar49]

Thankyou Em,

for your prayers. I really do appreciate them becos I know what a huge heart you have for family, still, even after having your love and trust abused.

I don’t know! What kind of mother does that? Sets her child up to fail, and then abuses her for it. It just doesn’t make Sense!

Do you have any warm memories of your mum Em? I know you’ve mentioned some stuff which you admire about her- is there any happy moments, where you felt loved and cared for?

I know you’ve said you got those experiences from extended family, and I’m so glad you did. ❤️

I wonder if we’d be better off being able to wipe certain memories from our mind.... Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind..!!!

But our life experiences make us who we are, and you are one fierce mama! Wise and smart and sassy!!

Long Live the Sassy mama’s! Who love their children deeply truly and sacrificially. And will fight to the death to defend them!

Your inner child needs a mama like that Em. I’m so glad you can be that for her now.
HUGS!!

J*

[ecomama]

Dear J*, I Pray for people I love, so ofcourse you're in my Prayers.

You asked "Do you have any warm memories of your mum Em?"
No. I don't.

and "I know you’ve mentioned some stuff which you admire about her"
Yes I admired her abilities to raise us on very little income. Her Nursing skills.
Dare I say her cunning ability to hide her true self to many ppl? No, maybe not lol.

and "- is there any happy moments, where you felt loved and cared for?"
No. None.

I was only a pawn to her... a possession, an acquisition. A punching bag.

That's all. Nothing more. Oh yeah one more thing from 14yo - a person she could easily steal money from.

Tonight I was so happy to see Marie Kondo has another Netflix special. Her first episode is on gardening then it went into the human connectedness factors. I could take from that what I could, had to erase the rest from my mind. I watched another episode then the 3rd was too much.

What runs far closer to a parallel of my story is the Darrell Hammond Netflix doco.
Apparently I'd watched some of this last year, but I only remember his face, not another thing about his story - I must have dissociated.
Tonight I watched it & observed my behaviours throughout. I kept distracting myself. Not wanting to watch it, yet KNOWING I NEEDED to watch it.

So I did.

He speaks of maybe if he could've cried to show the abusers how he was already upset, so they wouldn't hurt him. He found it hard to cry. I wasn't allowed to cry J*. I'd be beaten more badly if I did cry. And was told so. Shown so.

I wasn't taken to the Dr or hospital for my injuries. Teachers at school saw them. Phoned my "father" who did nothing. At times, I was left at my extended families houses with no explanation. They NEVER spoke of the abuse to me. They spiked if I tried to in adulthood - hence no relationships with them now. They only phone if they want something from me.

No. There was no kindness, only abuse.
If you watch Darrell's story that's the closest thing I've seen that almost aligns with my story.
Except for the extreme substance / self abuse he reverted to. I didn't do all that in those explicit ways.

But I did cry with him. I know that pain, still feel it sharply.

More of my life's patterns make sense to me, not because of his show tho.

Thank God I believe in heavenly retribution. I couldn't live life the way I do if I didn't. Plus I don't want to harm others with or without God "watching".

Love EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

Hi em, blues, j, all reading,

I know what u mean feeling u need to watch something, and watching the triggers. Are you OK, after watching it? Was it rough? It is always intense resonating with someone's story.

I had that with this youtube series where ppl told stories of their childhood. One woman really touched my heart.

Hope u are going gentle, ,much love

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM (waves to Sleepy, J* & all),

It's more than understandable to cry whilst writing about that, and probably more so during what you told J* of your mother as well. I can see your point about the comparison with your father, too, though I've only known the neglect side of parental relationships. I'm angry for you that they could even conceive of treating their daughter like that.

I see your point re your counsellor, too. I wish it were otherwise.

Some progress with Mama's Cubby is good. I know you haven't really had a break from hard work. I think there's some difference when it's working toward your own goals, though - it somehow doesn't seem as hard. How are you coping with being back at work?

Sadly govt. sites are pretty rubbish for accuracy or ease of use. Sorry you got stuffed around re covid testing. At least you have negative results now and can get on with life, insofar as lockdown allows it.

More progress with the garden, and chickens getting more settled, glad to hear about that. Sorry you can't afford help in there though, you really do have a lot of expensive stuff on your plate at the moment, I can imagine the stress for you.

I know there's more going on, I've kept one eye on your thread. Poor brain is a bit too fried to say much more on individual things, just know I'm here as always and doing my best to keep in the know and be here when most needed. Kind thoughts, and enthusiastic songs from Puffballs.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Dear Sleepy

Well truth time! You picked it. I was triggered so deeply by actually ATTENDING to that Darrell Hammond story, so many "same same" moments. So many moments when I thought "wow you were so lucky, I didn't have that" even in his story.

So what happened on Monday (I wondered if it would cause C-PTSD issues for me) was that a mum from my work community called me and told me more truths of her situation. She was being admitted to a Psych Ward the next day. It's worse than that.
Enough to say I'm very close to this family - not related - but they chose me as a support person on staff to help them through JIRT stuff this year.

I offered to call once a day to support the kids (and parents). It's a situation filled with strife for this whole family. The dad is super struggling... mum's in a Psych ward...

Then watching Darrell Hs story.
Then other stuff here....

By lunch time yesterday I was passing out. I went to bed and almost slept 13h with very few wake ups. I just did a couple of things then passed out in bed again.

I dreamt about 9/11 just before I woke at midnight.
Then saw a new Netflix show on just that which I WON'T watch (fears for BF will be triggered there).

So my own mother was in and out of Psych hospitals and I never knew this until MUCH later in life.
So this family having this happened has triggered memories I hadn't remembered until this week.

Long periods of no one looking after me, I didn't know where my mum was and had no one to ask.

Seeing the stuff Darrell H went through, SO similar to me, made a resurgence of so many other "new" memories (re)surface. His memories were also suppressed, being far too violent and his little mind just put them away, until he said his mind knew he could cope.

But he had a full Psych Hospital staff to help him cope.

I don't and now these memories are HERE, well passing out was a better option for my mind than going through C-PTSD full surround sound movies. I began writing in my Journal for me / my C but just kept falling asleep.

So dear Sleepy lol THAT'S how I'm coping with being back at work lol, barely coping.

I've cried a bit more but I need to cry oceans. So many memories. I really need to write them down in my Journal.

I dreamt of walking in my garden and I think this is to GROUND myself. Which I'll do tomorrow.
Being scared of the dark has made it's reappearance, the WHY is now so clear to me.

Woah, too much atm.

Love you lots
EMxxxx