new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest9337]

Never had a profile pic at all. Indeed, Spock in me says, fascinating and raises an eyebrow untouched by hair removal gel...

I have chosen to appreciate that further. The light blue background of the automatic profile picture implies for me clear sky and fair water, the oval white shape obviously a head, perhaps a headland or island, but it is detached from the neck and shoulders, which for me flip flops between disassociation, the guillotine, detachment, academic detachment, professional detachment, all influenced by my so far inadequate reading of your posts.

I note the avatar name “ecomama” and surmise further your “eco” part, by apply my own eco perceptions gleaned from wife’s long study in env. Ecology, yes, tho maybe economy or other eco’s – just tentatively. Islandification of nature. The division of beautiful nature by man made structures that isolate animals from their natural habitat. I delve deeper. I imagine a wombat wishing the head and shoulders had more lattice than sky. I long to cross from my high grounds to my low grounds, and circulate freely, but I am just a wombat, isolated and detached.

Then because I must be quite mad/glad/sad perfectly normal I recall the taste of emu and consider if wombat tastes the same. But yes further I poke my lack of perceptions. White head and white shoulders in a blue background, eco, eco,,, no more inspiration data required for further accuracy.

Then in some few seconds as I prepare to post in a flash, quicker than typing… I create, and forget, and recall. The utter steadfastness of the automatic profile picture, is it not the complete opposite of “CHANGE”?

Is not the act of making one single change to anything other than the automatic profile picture itself the expression you seek for? One could change it daily/weekly etc upon whim, or for a cause. Today I am rainbow cyclist, before that I was davidngoliath clipart, before that a beagle named Buffy, and before that the automatic profile picture.

Perhaps also, now I see, we could hold briefly that all new comers who also choose to utilise the automatic profile picture only might associate with others of same identity. Or that others might respond in billions of different ways to each new and changing profile pics we present, is not the inaction of choosing one akin to both staying within one crowd and being outside of another crowd?

Thus perpetually white and blue, beheaded and shouldered all at the same time? What would the french?cyberhugs dng.

[Guest9337]

And I feel weary of conflict/cooperation as I recognise "shouldered all" could be carrying the world upon my back, please ecomama, allow me to help carry our load.

We are not white, nor blue, neither beheaded nor all things to all people, but our burdens shared connect and enlighten.

[Guest_1643]

hi EM

pictures can't capture the essence, so EcoMama is good enough 🙂

i kinda like that we don't use pictures of our faces here, a break from narcissistic society and a place to just think of how we identify. Mayeb I'll try and grab another tree pic sometimes, becauase i find all that i can enjoy these days is looking at trees against the sky. So soothing. It's so cold but the trees like pretty regardless.

How was the beautiful meal you guys had tonight? sending warm welcome DnG to this lovely thread. Hope all are doing okay

[ecomama]

Dear DNG your posts made me laugh. Extremely entertaining to read!

We can be similar & we can also be very different.

I'm reminded how similar yet different my own multiple birth sons are!
Exact same DNA, many ppl still can't tell them apart lol!

Comparing this batch of humans to their friends, they ARE very similar to their identical brothers.
But those of us close enough, KNOW how extremely different they are!

I pondered the selection of my user name very deeply.
I didn't want to call myself how I was feeling.

I wanted to a name that described the essence of who I am. Or part of it.
Who I wanted to "get back to" & to focus on in my healing journey.

Years ago, in the depths of despair, I joined one site & named myself the exact opposite of how I was feeling at the time but the true essence of who I am. Lion Heart, later changing it to Spanish Corazon de Leon.

This time I wanted no capital letters either.
I felt diminished as a human being when I joined.

It's so sweet that Croix, I believe or perhaps it was Blondguy Paul? changed ecomama to "EM" almost straight away lol!
He claimed it was easier to write that than ecomama every time, so EM I AM!
I like it.

I love it when others give me a nickname, especially one of endearment.
I spoke with my friend of over 50y tonight and she gave me a nickname over 50y ago that spread to all of our friends of that era. Too sweet. I have one for her too.

When we would "hit the town together" in our younger days lol, we called each other our middle names to deter any potential "suitors" from approaching us. They are strange middle names indeed! Hahaha.

One cousin couldn't say my name properly when she was little so called me "Tarry" which is NOTHING like my actual name! Now all the cousins call me that. I like it!

Back to my profile pic
I stand as much chance of changing my profile pic weekly as I do of FLYING TO THE MOON WITH Elon Musk!
Not on my priority list, I'm far too practical & BUSY!

As my BF & I say "I could care less about what other people think of me to a dysfunctional degree". Rebels but only with causes.

And there is the difference between you & I lol!
I am certain there are many other differences which can make any friendship richer.

So nice to hear your wife has / had a long career in Ecology, how interesting!
Do you share her interest beyond eating wild life lol?

I've gleaned from your words so far that your focus has been Sports and teenagers.
Am I close?

Take care
EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Oh the FAITH you have in my culinary skills Sleepy!

Dinner was a TOTAL disaster hahaha!
AWFUL, yuck and tasted like it had moth balls in it!

Sorry Great grandmother, but it tasted like one of her stews she'd put scraps of all veg in to feed to her CHOOKS.

The kids had frozen meat pies instead lol.

It's getting bagged up in zip lock bags for Alexa's dog lol.
I have to cut off all the meat from the cooked bones - UGH! Grrrr.
Blergh lol.

I had all the wrong ingredients and it just DIDN'T work.
I was preparing it AND watching a set of videos for a Course I am doing for work AND thinking about what was asked of me to do by one boss this morning AND how I would do it etc etc.
We are not used to Service Delivery in a Working From Home format.
My mind in many places.

Moving on lol.
I got heaps of stuff out of our huge freezer on the weekend and I'm going to cook some of that up for tomorrow night. Darned easier!

My work has gone ballistic, cheeses.
IDK how I can reign it in now!
Fortuitously I crammed the compulsory Courses in last week because I'd have NO time to do them all from now on. They weren't due for 2 weeks but luckily I thought "Do them now".
I wasn't Clocking Off until 10pm some nights last week.

This week I'm really trying to draw a Boundary over that and am TRYING to only work 1 hour more than my work hours, but usually working through lunch and breaks...

I pondered whether to allow a messy document, another staff member wrote, go out Publicly.... then I bit it and edited it, all 4 pages.
Everyone LOVED it and that opened the flood gates even more.

I guess it's better for our organisation to have clear docs to read.
Not like my posts! hahaha messy as sister.

I had a romantic walk with my LEAF BLOWER this morning!
Omg I love that thing, I made the walk last an hour hahaha.
Saves me oodles of time, or does it?

I'm SO HAPPY p.son is home, doing his schooling from home HERE instead of staying in one room in a shared house, with zero friends around and 100% junk food.

Yvette's still like a pig in mud schooling from home.
Her school phoned me today asking how she's doing, she said "GREAT! I love it!" hahaha.
The teachers aren't used to THAT reaction she said.

How are you dear, sweet girl?
What's going on?

Stay well precious
Love EMxxxx

[Guest9337]

good morning ecomama.

I've worked with several twins over the decades, and one strange thing I've noticed about myself compared to others is that I am adept at telling twins apart, voice differences, hair preference, clothing, even mathematical proficiency are all variables between twins I have experienced.

I think I can tell that you have no interest in a functional profile pic, but I note that all the reasons you mention for not doing so are easily outweighed. That's cool, no worries, I too elect to dismiss it from now.

My ol' school buddies, well we made up names for ourselves too, geni, peacewise, farns, zarn, brubaker, timekeeper are some of the more fantastical names we had back then. Just trying on identities is fun.

Wife's career is environment and unfortunately the career such that it is, despite being long was so far, all academic study in Env management degree and masters, not yet employed, over 500 jobs applied for in 2 years and not a single contract. Wife despairs more than i do. sadface.

I intuited the essentials of your name quickly, it is well thought and descriptive of you, of what I read about you so far.

Have a pleasant day. dng.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM (and all),

Yeah, it really is massive. I'm wanting to learn more about the Schemas, the little I know does add some context to some of what followed into my adulthood. LM is in the same camp as us, reviling the notion of infidelity, though he's not (thankfully) had the experience of someone doing that to him. The ex that did that to me (let's call him man-child) had been on the receiving end of it, so I thought he would know better. He did have a more forgiving mindset about it, which seemed a good thing at the time, but underlying that I think is that the man isn't just forgiving, he is the awful flipside of that, which is permissive. Not okay with that.

No problem, glad to be of some help. I have some idea about the tax side of it, negative gearing and so on. I've done this year's tax return already, the estimate has me getting so much of it back I almost feel guilty. Ol' Blue is very much a socialist at heart (but very aware this isn't the govt. that will spend my tax dollars in a way that benefits the right people, so that's a thing...).

I can understand your desire to build the cabin without borrowing money. It's not ideal if you have to, but it's perhaps worth weighing up the benefits of doing it sooner and, as you say, the workaround of renting to family when it's a work in progress. A lot to consider, but you have financial wisdom on your side.

I forgot about the Out & About vouchers. I suspect I'll be wanting to use take-away services a bit myself in the coming days. We've just gone into lockdown, work is nuts and for various reasons both my manager and second-in-charge haven't been at work. It's a bit of a nightmare, and I am exhausted. The panic buying has begun in earnest. Damn fools. It's not like buying groceries is precluded in lockdown, for crying out loud! And no-one needs 2 years' supply of bog roll!

Great that prodigal son is able to just spend more time at home with you as a result of your lockdown. Yay for the whole family!

Puffballs send a song, especially Sir Pecks, who is singing with wild abandon.

Blue.

[Guest_1643]

hi Em, thats beautiful to read about ur username and ur essence...

probably the 21 part of mine was my young innocent self prior to some hairy stuff that would happen later. The EM stuck straight away!! Love the rythm we have here with our nicknames for different users, and its nice also when someone has a preference of what they like to be called 🙂 i find this place pretty amazing at time.

I'm sorry the meal didnt work out, I can totally relate, not having the right ingredients but giving it a good go! I've been cooking delicious asparagus x

I'm glad to read your lockdown is manageable for u guys and at a time where you can sit with it. A lot of ppl quite enjoy the lockdowns. I think living alone is really rough durng this time, but I dont know if living with ppl I didn't trust would perhaps be worse... those are the two ooptions sometimes. Hope the pimple popping vids are going good.... youtube is my best friend during lockdown. I watch old clips from The Office. Holds my attention span long enough!! sending love to everyone here. thank u for the way you guys inlcude and welcome ppl on this thread, and for keeping it safe and bubbly.

[ecomama]

Hey dng!

Hey Blues!

Hey Sleepy!

OMG my "update" is that I'm overwhelmed with WORK.
I popped in here while a program I needed was updating lol and I've only had time to read everyone's posts and then the program said it's COMPLETE. Ugh! so now I have mountains of work to do AND calls to make to distressed families in between FIVE hours of Zoom meetings, really?

And other staff members have said to me they're "bored" - grunt.

I will address each of you more specifically IF I get a moment to breathe over the next week but atm I'll be working all weekend also to get all the work done for deadlines.
So much for "boundaries"!

I was so exhausted I bought the kids take away and went to bed at 5pm!
P.son needed a Covid test to travel to work on Friday so we did that. The kids needed more technology, so we did that.

Not quite keeping my head above water at all right now.
Hopefully my swimming skills improve lol.

So I woke at 1am to hungry pets and kids still awake!
I told them to feed the animals, I had work to do.

So there it is. I'm back to work at 1am.

Will be back ummm later.
Sorry guys and THANK YOU for your posts!

Love EMxxxx

[Guest9337]

Fly in and Fly out gracefully EM, love u2. dng.