new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Hey Paws!

You are such the sweetest person on earth. Hugs!!!

See that electrical charge go between us in that HUG???
I did lol!

That's so kind of you to say... just thinking you wouldn't be ABLE to feel a flicker if it wasn't there ready to set ablaze!

IT'S IN YOU ALREADY.

You have as much right to this incredible feminine energy available to all of us as ANYONE else.

About a year ago I listened to the Amanda Frances podcasts, title of which is NOT acceptable to BB guidelines lol!
And omg she made me laugh!
She's NOT a comedian but boy does she have this POWER to behold.

WE ALL DO.

Years ago I probably would've been put off somewhat by her accent and bold way of talking but as my BF is American and it feels like an emotional massage every time we talk lol... it's all good now.

I needed him to access stuff like this!

But Dr Joe Dispenza has almost the exact accent as my BF. So I drift to sleep listening to his meditations and feel SO refreshed upon waking.

Deep inspiration can also be received through Stephen Covey's books (I think J* might agree) and the thing he talks about as setting his core values in life is DEEP.
Once we have those 2 or 3 core values clear, it becomes a compass to the rest of our life if we let it.

Thanks so much for dropping in Paws!
Feels like I've known you for so long now lol but I haven't been on the forums for a year yet!

Please pop in ANY TIME and share ANY THING.

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Hi Em,

no I can imagine that your kids are NOT herd thinkers!

good thing too. We need thinkers and dreamers. Apparently our education system is hell bent (lol) on competing with the Chinese style of raising mass produced efficient minds, whereas what Australia has always cornered the market on is creative thinkers. Go us! And you have my total support for letting Yvette choose her destiny. She may as well now, it will possibly save her many years later trying to discover her own mind!

love your office- it’s gorgeous!

as always your plans and dreams are full of adventure- I’ll be watching this space lol! Ps passion fruit vines usually only last around 5 yrs, so maybe yours will be ok for a bit...?

im doing ok lovely Em. My therapy in my sewing room is really helping. H is sure I’m having an affair tho... 🤣

cheers

J*

[Jstar49]

Hi Paws,

she def has a way with words doesn’t she?

nice to see you here

cheers

J*

[Guest_4643]

Thinking of you all.

[ecomama]

O.... M.... G.... I remember those days, lol, apparently I was always having affairs, I didn't have time to use the loo! But sure, whatever lol. (Between you & me, ONE demon was more than plenty for me erk).

Maybe you could show H your affair partner! your gorgeous patchwork!

Sorry J* I realised I completely pushed aside the thing you brought up in your thread.... asking for advice about sharing our low feelings.

I haven't thought my response through very well, so pardon my rapidity.
We can keep talking this through for many posts because it hits on many more issues than 1.

J* I have to ask, does your H read your posts on the forums? I'll ask if I can share some things depending on that answer.

Anyhow back to the "sharing partner's MH story"....

I know H is wonderful.
I understand H also asked you NOT to disclose any parts of his "story" on this anonymous forum...

Therefore how does he see what he did today ie sharing YOUR story with IRL friends as an acceptable action?

I don't.

The stage was set with HIS expectations of you.
What's good for the goose etc.

I'd say something to that effect to him to lock this down, if possible.

About sharing... ref Brene Brown... I'd ONLY share with people you KNOW (or believe) to love you & have your back.
NOT people who may use this info against you.

You'd know better than I about the next point... you may not be suffering with a "clinical depression" or depressive mood disorder.... you may have feeling of depression BECAUSE you're sad!
And for extremely understandable reasons too.
From my POV it's similar to grief if not deep grief itself?

You've suffered a tremendous loss with eldest d (not adding family issues coming more & more to light), therefore it's completely reasonable that this loss is creating grief.

Grief & depression can come at the same time. Or after same event. Even after same realisation.

I'm not sure if this is how you feel.... when I read once a long time ago that depression can be prolonged, suppressed anger over a situation, I decided then & there NOT to suppress my anger. I didn't go all hellfire no, lol.
I gardened HARDER!

Later I read about a strong sense of Justice.
I have this.
When things were "not fair" I would get angry, suppress it. Feel depressed.

After reading alot more on this I've accepted that things are NOT fair in this world & never will be.
I CHOOSE things to stand up for. Inclusivity of all cultures, care of children & animals.

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM (with a wave to all),

Sure got busy in here! I've lost track a bit, took a minute or two to find your last reply to me.

Glad Alexa is enjoying all the features of her new car. And a long drive home to discover them all, too. Neat.

How's pup doing? You said staples were coming out, and poor thing has an infection. Have things settled down a bit now for her? No doubt she's happier without the staples.

How's the glass room coming along? You sounded pretty pleased with progress so far. I'm getting a better sense of the glass you've been talking about. In my experience louvres are just the dingy, tiny bits of glass in the dunny window, so I was perplexed by the costs you were quoting for them, haha. What you're describing now sounds rather more impressive! Good call getting toughened glass, I think. Is it all working out within budget?

I hear you about the foreboding joy, but glad you're doing well. Make the most of it while it's there, I say.

Good on Alexa for standing her ground with the slack landlord. It's not good enough, not fixing the air-con for four months. A landlord's duty is to have the house and all its facilities in functioning order. Glad it's sorted, now.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue

Thanks for asking about Alexa's pup... she's doing alot better now. Her infection settled well, she got that even though she was put on antibiotics by the emergency Vet ugh!
But they didn't take ALL the staples out - they missed a few (3% Rule grrr. Btw this happened with me in an ugly story lol)... SO Alexa has to take her back AGAIN.
OMG they tried to charge Alexa for taking the staples out! ANOTHER $200 after around $2000, Alexa's on a run now... she refused and said it was an ALL inclusive charge, she won't be paying it. The wound is still leaking. Awful thing to happen. It's been so scary.

Pup loved coming to Nana's to show me, she as SO PROUD to show me lol. She's a darling.

So grateful the surgery was successful and she's "well"!

The glass room lol! YES THE LOO GLASS hahaha.
These ones are each about 5 foot tall.
VERY old fashioned in our minds lol.. but definitely coming back into "fashion" not that I care about fashion lol - never have.
I've ALWAYS loved them and yes remind me of my childhood homes quite a bit but that's why I'm putting them in.

The MAJOR reason is functionality. You know me Blue, when I can design something in a solar passive way to reduce energy expenditure ie allow light (and reduce issues like mould etc) then I'll do it. Louvres can create incredible air flow. These placed where they are, will do that.
We only need to build 2 "walls".
The 2 windows in already are placed one near the house (for light and air) and the other near the corner of the room. A big section between them to place my antique cupboard. I'd planned to make a stained glass window for there but those were dreams when married to demon, so renewed my plans / designs completely.

The front wall will be almost 100% glass.
It'll look awesome when we're done. The teens use that area almost every day as an outdoor loungeroom (being under the top storey), they always entertain friends there.

Yvette's party will be down there but all our visitors are used to seeing our home in the midst of building works now lol.
All good!

How are you doing?
This is the first post I've read of yours today so I'll catch up now!

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Glad to hear pup is getting along better. Heck of a circus getting there, though. Alexa is showing her strength again, dealing with the unreasonable expectation of paying extra for getting those staples out. It's not her fault or liability if the vet refuses to be competent. I gather it's not a wholly uncommon thing though, for animals or humans. You've got to wonder about how these people find themselves in such responsible positions. I guess the people in charge of deciding who gets to do it are in the 97%, too. Ugh.

Anyway, pup doing better is good, if not the fiasco to get to this point. Of course she is proud to show you. 🙂

Haha, giant loo glass, then. 😉 Yep, I know you, functionality is important. You can make a space both beautiful and practical, just gotta have a good eye for the details, which no doubt you do. Sounds like a great space for entertaining, there's something a bit magical about a well put-together semi-outdoor space. Never had one, myself, but I love them when I come across them. I'm sure Yvette's party in there will be great.

Me, I'm ticking along okay-ish. Saw the physio today, it helped a bit. I'll go into that more on my main thread, I think.

Blue.

[Jstar49]

Hi Em,

Gosh thats so true! I also read that link between anger and depression, many moons ago. Reading it again today I touch on a deep sense of righteous anger, (it's so not fair!) combined with a helplessness to do anything about it- which is probably why I have been suppressing it! I won't even go into everything I am angry about, tho I'm sure you'd have some idea. Food for thought.

Yes, also not sure about clinical depression, as such. Definitely processing grief and depressed mood. I'm not going to let it sink it's teeth in, if I can help it. Thanks for the anger tip. Garden does need work lol! I also used to bust up plates to use for mosaics. Very good therapy- I highly recommend it to anyone if they have an empty brick wall on a concrete slab.

Saw the new Doc today, for T as well as me. In process for (hopefully) getting a psych. Got a list lol! Tay if you're reading along, it's apparently my turn for the shop around! Wish me luck!

Interesting about the disclosure by H. No doubt he thought it was ok as it's a trusted friend of his, but yeah, it took my breath a bit. The reason I felt I had to decline dinner invite was due to feeling vulnerable, and not super safe with this particular person (wife of friend) so it was a bit difficult. I do see your point re: me disclosing about his issues here. I wonder if he will? and no, he doesn't read my posts at all. Occasionally has read over my shoulder so I have chosen to show him a couple of posts, at my discretion. Just so he can understand it's definitely not a place for hooking up!

Talking to Doc today affected my mood again, very tired when I got home.

Thanks for the love and wisdom mama,

Love

J*

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, yeah giant loo glass lololol!

The funny thing about the louvre windows is a recurring dream I've had since I was a child!
I know you're not much into esoteric stuff etc but this is confirming to me... it was AFTER I chose louvre windows that I realised my recurring dream had glass louvre windows in the house and looked out to the water!

You could see the water from this downstairs room IF I cut the trees down lol!
That ain't happening lol.

Just a funny thing.
The dream came during some of my most difficult times, like a beckoning to my future to hold on. Before I'd even MET BF in real life I had the same house dream with HIM coming to my home, so much older and with a bag and his beautiful smile.

Enough on dreams lol.

Yeah the Vet's practice screwed up alot with both Alexa's pup and mine too, so we're changing Vets. It's further to drive but who cares. I feel sorry for the owners of the practice as they are really wonderful, caring people (a married couple both vets), it's the other workers who REALLY let it all down and even fail.

I will talk with the lady who owns it at some point, just to let her know why we're leaving and if the workers were like her and her H, we'd stay for sure.

The fact that staples were left IN is pretty disgusting tbh. No apologies given. Just a "bring her back in" comment.

I'm going into hospital this morning.
I was going to catch an Uber but I had a later admission time than I first thought, so Alexa will drive me down.
One son offered to pick me up. Not sure when I'll be done but boy this prep medicine is making me feel ill blerghhh. So ill. Up every 30-45 mins. Awful.

Hopefully I feel ok after the general anaesthetic. I usually vomit alot after those and have woken up DURING the op / intervention for some unknown reason, so hopefully they get it right!
I know I'm an anomaly so I never complain, THEY complain to me like I have some control over it lol! I don't.

Sorry for pushing you on your thread about your health.
I care about you so much, so want you to know that I try to push for your best interests and only have those at heart.
I also know you're a smart cookie and know what you're doing.

Love always
EM