new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Hey J*, I do have some idea what's making you angry. You've disclosed enough about eldest d for me to GET that situation totally.
Then your sister, cheeses.
Then your parents, well yeah. I see them as very immature indeed (sorry if this is offensive).

But it's H you haven't disclosed much about and I respect this.

When our base is wrought with issues around communication then it can be a bewildering place entirely.

I love that you have your sewing room and garden!!!

Escapes. Of a type.
Respite? Relief? Reflection spaces?

It's difficult.

Having a strong sense of Justice and having to live in this world is like trying to meld two worlds to me. I felt freed by listening to the M.Scott Peck's book "People of the Lie" but it's a DIFFICULT book to hear!!!
After a few chapters, I felt FREE!
I had real AHA paradigm shifts.

I've become SO PICKY about where I invest my time that it's cut alot of ppl out of my life.
Ofcourse it's happened to me too!

I have to bathe before hospital this morning, so I'd better get on.

I didn't tell Uncle that I was going into hospital and he's coming up today to work on our house.
I didn't want him to hurry up on the Freeway trying to get here to see me beforehand. Hospital things REALLY trigger this Uncle and I understand why.
Keeping things from him isn't fair and I know this will trigger him too but I had to, for his own safety.

We had it covered.

Do you know that at my father's funeral, this Uncle rushed up to me and had a PRE prepared list of things he just HAD to communicate in a hurry. He said he was sorry that he hadn't seen us for so many years, that a wedge had been driven between us. I really hadn't known him since I was about 5yo!

Now that my father was gone, he wanted to get to know us all.
This took a very very long time and we didn't "know" each other.

Hindsight being as it is lol.. I know I've kept him at arm's length. Scared probably that he'd abandon us like my father did.

But he hasn't.
I'm grateful.

I digressed lol!
Bath time.

Love you lots!
EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Hehe, it's a great picture.

Interesting about the dreams. I don't claim to have precognitive dreams nor particularly believe in them, but I think there is a lot about the human mind that isn't understood. Might not be outside the realm of possibility.

I don't blame you for wanting to switch vets. You say the owners are good people, but if this is the norm for their employees, does this not transfer to being their responsibility? You know the old adage, all it takes for evil to flourish is for good people to do nothing. They have the power to discipline or fire incompetent people who are causing damage and distress. Maybe they are insufficiently aware, but that suggests they are being irresponsible with their practice by not knowing what goes on. There are distinct limits to my sympathy. The matter of the staples is reprehensible.

Glad you didn't have to Uber it to the hospital and can get a lift home with one of your sons. You need and deserve the support. Having a knack for attracting friends with Crohn's disease, I know something of these prep medicine blues, sorry you have had to go through that, they're decidedly unpleasant.

How did you go with the anaesthetic? I've never had general, but have some experience with being resistant to local anaesthetics - they often stick me with another needle or have to leave it a lot longer to work than normal. I really hope you didn't wake up during the procedure! Damn cheek for them to complain at you for being different.

No apology necessary, EM, I know the spirit in which you say the things you do. Honestly, I am definitely someone who needs to be poked to calm the heck down and look after myself better. Your words have reached me and perhaps tempered my zeal a little. I have sought a balance between my gung-ho approach and your "please stop doing all the things" approach. Now you have mentioned cookies, and I want cookies, hehe.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue

Feeling pretty rough and exhausted today after all that prep and hospital intervention.
They were extremely wonderful in the hospital. Public patients were referred to this Private one to help catch up with the Covid backlog.

I'm disappointed they found issues, so I guess I'll be on the trail to sort those best I can over time.

About dreams, yes I've had premonition dreams for sure. Maybe 20 shocking ones I can remember the details of right now. Maybe 1000s of lesser impact ones that helped me make good decisions. The BIG ones served a purpose lol, warning me ahead of time, IF I had trusted them, which I kind of did by knowing something BIG was about to hit.

Now I do trust them 100%.
These almost IRL, some with a spiritual translation, always come to pass. They're always about OTHER people's actions, not something I could necessarily create.

They usually tell me what to DO too which I follow to a T and find the most successful outcome out of awful options of paths.

Won't go there more, too yuck.

Yes it's still the Vet's responsibility. Hence us moving...out with the old!

Son got through his Interview for a Managerial position (at 18 whole years old lol) and he has the next Stage Interview today.

Yvette is struggling worse with her friendship issues. Apparently the whole problem with Yvette is that she's "too immature" LOL!! Omg talk about "projection"! She's the most mature child of this age I've ever met, and I've known ALOT.
The last friend turned her back on her. I don't see Yvette staying at school beyond the absolute age she has to now.
Although she's now looking at some type of Traineeship at her work... she's finding out about that.
I'm glad she's ONLY invited her work friends to her birthday party, some are 26yo! So much for "immature"!
 

Without prodding she said she'd do a Bridging Course at Uni if she ever wants to go there.
I'm fine with anything she decides tbh, we talk about options etc but it's HER life and she needs to feel empowered in this powerless situation.

Need to try to get housework done today. I'm not allowed to drive until 2pm due to the anaesthetic.

Yes I've had varying experiences with them.
1st one for a Caesarian, I was vomiting for 2 days. I was awake when they began surgery, anaesthetic wasn't working. Pretty shocking.
Others haven't worked or I've woken up lol.

Yesterday the young Nurse and young Dr nailed it! Awesome.
Things are improving there!

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Of course you're exhausted and not feeling wonderful after that procedure. I'm glad you were treated well, though, that's important. It's a blessing and a curse that they found something - of course you don't want more on your plate, but at least you know what you're dealing with. Standing with you through whatever the results mean for your future.

I'm not surprised you have some faith in your dreams if they come with such regularity. My mum has had a couple and I have no reason not to believe what she's said about them. I run on the theory that this sort of stuff isn't so much mystical hoodoo as just one more thing science hasn't explained yet. I mean, we didn't always know how rainbows worked, right? But they still exist. Scepticism isn't about denial, it's about looking for proof and explanations. I think a lot of people get mixed up about that.

Anyway, I won't press you further on that subject, it is clearly an unhappy one for you.

Yes, moving on is good. I'm sure you know to look for reviews of anyone you try from here on.

Good on your son. Best of luck to him. 🙂

Projection, indeed. That's kids for you, school really does suck. I imagine Yvette is mature, the life experience she's had will have thrown her into adulthood quickly. My childhood wasn't half as rough, but it sure accelerated my maturing and widened and already pretty wide gap between myself and my same-age peers. Honestly, this seems a pretty normal experience for someone in her situation.

It's great she's considering her options down the track. I think I've told you I left school young. Did adult re-entry for a time, which was great, though didn't finish for financial reasons, and discovered I could do a mature entry test for uni and skipped the remains of Yr 12 to do that instead. There are so many ways she could approach it in this day and age, leaving school isn't the stumbling block it may once have been.

Classic EM, making practical use of what you can do, when there's something you can't. That's a great thing about you.

Man, that really sucks, I'm sorry you went through that. Sounds scary as heck.

Again, glad the people you dealt with at the hospital this time were good. I have noticed a big difference between private and public - I think through the public system they are so understaffed and over-stressed that the patients end up suffering for it. Anyway, you caught a break, let's just drink that in for now!

Blue.

[ecomama]

Yes! You're right! The Private Hospital staff even PHONED ME today and asked how I was feeling omg lol... nothing like the other. Then I got to ask the Nurse questions which she patiently answered and put me at ease somewhat. I felt alot better after her call. Another "something to drink in" FOR SURE LOL!

I'll take it!

OMG BLUE.... son just got his promotion!! Just found out! Oh he deserves this SO MUCH!
He's had such a rough few years and had brick walls all over the place. It was HIS car that was towed away etc.
I'm so happy for him.
He's really developing as a person. His bosses like him very much and the male ones are AWESOME ROLE models!

Being a single mum, he doesn't really have good male role models.
My BF would be awesome but he's not here and BF gets VERY embarrassed about the content of my children's topics of conversations lol! The kids really do ask about EVERYTHING, I mean everything.
BF is extremely modest around company.

I'm really proud of the extra effort these young men go to, to be supportive of the younger men, boys and women and girls there. The female bosses are just as wonderful too. Hence my kids feel so good going to work there!

I KNOW they're training Yvette up too. I can see by what they're asking her to do.

Yes, there are many options now for ppl to go into Tertiary Ed. Only ONE when I was younger. That was it. HSC then Uni. Fortunately I got in by the skin of my teeth lol.

That son plans on joining the Police force after he loses his baby face and gains some maturity lol.
Yvette wanted to be a SA Psych for children. She feels that no one understands or can be as compassionate as the kids need them to be, unless they KNOW what it's like.

It's totally up to her. She knows she can stay at home for her whole life if she wants! LOL!
The complete OPPOSITE to my youth.
"When you're 18 you're OUT".
Mother insisted upon 16 and you're out, but my father offered for me to move in with him to finish my HSC, so mother piped up and said no. Until you're 18 then.

So I was out then.

Uni is SO entirely different now!
Full time WAS full time, 5 days a week, 9-5pm most days etc.
Now it's like 2.5 days is full time.

No wonder we have to do all the extra training, in our sector, when they arrive. And the climate has changed too. They HATE asking questions.

Anyway son has also found a car! Inspection on Friday... finger's crossed it's a GOOD ONE.
Then another trip to the City.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: GOOD NEWS + dealing with demon's family

You'd think I'd be telling you everything going on but there's so much more than what I can bring myself to write!

demon's family.... they're everywhere.

One person volunteers at my work place. When more programs start up, she'll be there again.
She's an older person and used to recognise me.
I've "changed" alot and I'm never sure if she does.
I've always used my Maiden name at work and there are LOTS of employees there.

Soon I'll find out.
I just hope I don't have to SUPERVISE this program!!
If I'm given this, I'll have to talk with my boss about swapping programs with someone else.

And our favourite place to order SPECIAL Birthday Cakes is owned by a really nice throuple lol... in that family. Majorly shunned at one point due to this factor.

Anyhow Yvette wanted her 2 cakes from there (surprisingly).
They'd taken their Website down, so I couldn't order anonymously.

She didn't recognise me UNTIL she saw Yvette, I could see her change towards us.
She didn't say anything but was VERY VERY WARM and encompassing.

It's been YEARS since I've been in there.
I didn't trigger which I just realised lol!

Then she had a BIG conversation with me about her Community Bank and loans etc... very similar to the good ole days, weird.

THIS IS IT, nearly ALL the kids are "adults" now.
THIS is when demon expected them to go running back to him, well ages ago really lol.

Anyway they haven't and feel extremely strongly about never having anything to do with him again. Don't blame them at all.

I guess I'm just reporting the "normalisation" and adjustments I have to make after leaving this extreme DV situation.

No PTSD reactions but I'll be aware of my dreams!
Alexa, Yvette and I have had some really strange ones lately.

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Hi Em, and Blue,

just a wave from me atm- this is my appointments week so busy. First aid course today. No probs. Except that thing happened where I couldn’t sleep beforehand, so a bit wrecked. Traffic is awful at peak time too! Nearly ran up the back of a car. Too tired.

em I’m sad that you have medical stuff to deal with. It’s great the kids know, and can support.
oh no, poor Yvette! That’s so tough at any age. And school is so hostile without friends. I hope she catches a new one soon, someone who deserves her. Even if it’s just for a short time. Immature my arse! Talk about projection alright!

take care girls, I’ll be thinking of you both,

love J*

[ecomama]

Hey J*, it's nearly "pumpkin o'clock" here lol ie when I get into bed at the latest when I have work the next day. Had a long sleep in this morning so that's my excuse!

Congratulations on completing your First Aid Course - YAY!
WELL DONE YOU.

Thanks for the well wishes for my health.
I'll be seeing a Kinesiologist. The Traditional Medicine world are terribly confused about what to do about this, complete OPPOSITE advice online from major medical centres, so I'm heading for Ancient Wisdom and Intuition.

The Nurse who phoned from the Private hospital I was in yesterday, to check up on me, agreed lol.

Yvette yeah.
She's really coming into her own power.
At the same time she's "coming out" too... oh well let's get this ALL out at once, GO GIRL! lol.

I gave her Brene Brown's advice about ignoring the haters in the cheap seats but she's a teenager so will do things her way. IE engage and try to educate ppl.

I want to post the 10 guideposts somewhere from Brene Brown that I read in Daring Greatly but its from her Gifts of Imperfection book.
Should I post it in the Quotes I like Thread?

I'd REALLY like you to see them.
They are SO beautiful!

So much so that I want to paint a watercolour imagery thing with each of them for our home.

I seriously feel like buying a copy of that book for EACH of my children.
I haven't felt that way about a book since Richard Bach's "Illusions", which I've given each child when they leave home.

Good luck with your appointments J*!

Glad your Guardian Angels were with you this morning!

Hope you're doing well in other sectors also.

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM (with a wave to J*),

A follow-up call? Wow, that's almost unheard of! And a promotion for your son, beautiful. Sounds like he was due for a break in the weather.

Glad to hear he has good role-models. You're right about being a single mum making it tricky to have good male role-models around for your kids. But heck, how many people have good role models of any kind? I sure didn't, and still don't see too many around. I've had to be my own. If your kids have some good role-models around, that puts them ahead of the pack, if you ask me.

Yeah, heaps of education options now, it's liberating. I'm sure all your kids will find paths to where they want to be, with the options they have. As for living with parents, there are less options now with the cost of living. I was one of the last who could just move out (not pushed, at least, but I'd hate to be my bro, still living with Mum, what a toxic situation at his age!). Glad your kids have such a supportive mum. 🙂

Uni was great when I was there. Not full time in such a rigid sense. I'm surprised that the new graduates you see aren't keen to ask questions. The whole premise of uni is teaching you to think and analyse. Can it have changed so much? I really hope not!

Yay, fingers crossed re your son's car!

It makes me cringe to think that you have potential contact with your ex's family members in so many areas. There's only one family member of an ex's in my orbit, she shops where I work and has never been rude to me or anything, but still - I find something to do out back, if I see her. That ex has no business knowing I even still work there so I'm staying off that radar as much as possible.

I can only imagine how weird it was with the lady at the cake shop. How are you feeling about it all now, with time to step back from just being shell-shocked? No post-event triggering? I ask because it's not unusual for things to catch up with me days after the fact if they don't hit during.

Your kids are all grown up, but they still need you. I'm not at all surprised they are quite keen to never see your ex again. Heck, my dad isn't half that bad and I'm the only one of the three of his offspring that voluntarily speaks to him (me being the one that can still see the usefulness of doing so without being emotionally engaged).

Hopefully not too much negativity encroaching on your dreams.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue

Yes you're right about role models. I know no one's perfect and I've tried to instil THIS point at least but maybe I said that TOO much when demon was around lol... the kids have lots of funny sayings (bit like their mum hey?), one being "If we do EVERYTHING the opposite to demon then we'll have a really happy and successful life!" lol.

They're right there I guess.
Sometimes knowing what NOT to do helps guide us.

I didn't know your brother still lives at home.
Good that he has a roof over his head, hard under that particular roof lol.

Well I've been knocked around by all the prep for surgery, the surgery (I'm sore) and anaesthetics etc. Came home from work & had a 5h nap today. SO exhausted. I KNOW the Nurse calling was surprising!
My feet are causing so much discomfort. Contacted a new Podiatrist today. She texted with me tonight, she's calling me after work tomorrow... she sounds VERY proactive by her Website.
Her hours are tricky & within my work hours but she's going in early in 2 weeks time to see me.

Yep more sick leave even if only 30 mins.

Re: seeing demon's family.
Gosh Blue, whenever I think about the effects of PTSD ie the presence or absence of them now, I think of you and all the others here, wondering how you're all going.
That trauma psych pushed me so darned hard, but I was up for it and so glad I did it all.

I simply didn't THINK about the cake lady with any measure of emotional reaction. I KNOW! SO WEIRD! lol. I avoided the shop for YEARS!

As I was processing it last night, academically not emotionally, I felt "WOW it worked".
This cake lady was NOT amongst the horrid rot whatsoever. In fact her family of about 13 children lol, are the ones most likely to stand UP against this stuff and have done that. One's a Journalist and has.

Not that I thought about any of that.
I just went to the shop and ordered the cake.

It was weird when I saw this "knowing" come across her eyes for us. Then the warmth of knowing we were family. She's just a sweet hard worker with a good heart. A VERY SEPARATE person in all ways to demon.

It was the PTSD that had me avoid her.
One of my Goals was to be able to do ANY activity I wanted to do in life without "avoiding" it bec of demon, mother or PTSD.

Doing well there.
Physically I need help! When I get the chance to book in a very healing Kinesiologist, I will.

Find out tomorrow arv if son's car is worth buying. Finger's crossed!

Love EM