new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Hey Blubes, thanks for your kind words, as always.

Our Christmas Tree looks so pretty. I have a string of coloured fairy lights around it and no other decorations on it. Prob won't put more on either. Simple is sweet sometimes. :-))

Oh I know you're not jealous lol... it's envy maybe but not jealousy. I had this conversation with Sleepy a while back lol.
Alexa wants to buy a Mazda CX7 or 9... when she has more secure finances she wants to up it to a European car like an Audi or such.
Not now she says.
So not a NEW car just a new car lol.

Since she's driving mine atm, and one son's is pretty much had it, we are now sharing p.sons car with NO air con.

I'm going to see if the bike shop can fix my bike or do a deal with a different bike shop for a new one - totally nuther story. But I need MY car back to do all that. My bike won't fit in any of the other cars.

Yes I saw "reef" and chuckled, I do that when my mind gets ahead of my typing lol.
It's certainly a WREATH and why not hey?

So if flattie isn't spending Chrissy with family, do you think you guys will do something together perhaps?

I hope so!

P.son and gf came home quite late... they'd been tripping around with another friend all day.
Son was falling asleep at Yvette's concert lol then they took off with another friend straight after who just got his license today.

I can't deny their fun times with friends. It's what healthy teens do after all.
So I'm grateful for it all.

They thought it was wacky having the Christmas wrapped bed pillows on their bed lol.
Well they TOOK the other more expensive ones!!
So they needed others anyway.
Why not wrap them up! lolol.

P.son intends to go to Uni down South after he finishes Year 12 next year down there.

Oh boy did I have pangs of IDK what watching Yvette at her formal this week and knowing I can't be there for p.son's one.... very sad face.
My friend there said to take leave to travel down there.... I'd had a dream about that the very NIGHT he told me he was leaving. The school down there locked me out.

So I guess that's how I feel, pretty much locked out from his life.

It was different bec p.son and the other children still at home were whom I fought for for years through Courts.

I always thought I'd have TIME with them but they grew up in that time.... so it's lost now.

But to stop myself from crying I have to think of NOW and our future.

It's up to us.

And we're all "safe" from demon which is the main thing.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Hey monkey

What's going on with your dad? Have you written about that on your thread?

Sweetheart you know that's never really the case until it's ACTUALLY the case don't you?

I always say "where there is breath, there is HOPE" and "Hope anchors the soul" but that last one is from the Bible lol.

The only thing we CAN probably guarantee is that he won't change.
So if you can tolerate more of the same then that's the relationship you'll have.

It's really up to you. The ball's in YOUR court.

Yeah man Yvette is in LOVE with her new phone lol!!!
She got the brand all her friends have so she can use it's apps to communicate with them.
Not that they've all been NICE friends lately!!!

oh yeah demon is rotting in it's own excrement lol.
A friend of mine thought she saw him but thought nah, he couldn't be THAT ugly lol... then checked his FB and yes he is!

It comes through in old age I think, how evil a person has been. It's splattered all over that thing 100%.

And simultaneously p.sons gf was out with us for dinner tonight and she said her dad was ___ so he's much older than ecomama.... Alexa said OH NO ecomama is older than your dad LOL!
So gf looked at me in the face alot closer.... we were nearly nose to nose... I always play jokes... and gf said, it's not fair to compare ecomama with others her own age, she doesn't look nearly that old.

The MAIN reason why this is so funny is that demon was ALWAYS going on about how I was older than him (not by much but not that it mattered I thought)... then absolutely HATED it when his friends thought I was younger than him.

He hasn't gotten the braces for his teeth he wanted me to pay for.
ALL of my kids have had braces except for Yvette, it's been a blinding nightmare lol!
Lucky for extras Health Cover!!

I offered them to Yvette the other day. My Lord her teeth are pretty much perfect in every way but all my other kids have "American teeth" or as my BF says "they're not American Teeth baby, they're HOLLYWOOD teeth" and he has them too.

Yvette was actually excited omg here we go... oh well fair's fair!

Yep we went to the pools.
Then had the kids all here and all had showers and got dressed for dinner out.
I washed all the grandkids while Alexa had a break lol...
Then we had dinner out.
Then we all went to Yvette's dancing concert.

Now we're all exhausted lol but it was great, really awesome.

Yeah work can be a 4 letter word so sorting it is a THING!!!

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update

Gosh we all slept really well last night lol. Although Yvette had a weird dream we tried to analyse this morning! Still she was laughing at bits of it so all good. Nothing triggering which is SUCH a relief lol.

I'm beginning to withdraw gluten from my diet.
I won't carry on if I have it but I can tell that it's negatively effecting my health.
When I eat it, esp "too much", then I get bloated and feel really sluggish.

When I don't I feel energised, light and my digestion has far less issues.

So that's me.

I read a "Psychology Today" online article, some of their articles are BRILLIANT.
One said stuff about minimalism (lol @ Blue's!!) and it said every time you leave a room, make it better than when you entered it. Hmmmm. I like it.
So I'm doing that AND spending my 30 minutes minimum decluttering (on top of the loads of laundry, kid's stuff etc etc).

I'm STILL filling the neighbour's bins each week with our rubbish. Mind you the kids DO buy alot of stuff - far more than I do besides groceries - so it's not all my rubbish.

This week I have TONS of Christmas shopping to do omg.. so much. It's ok, I'm off work so it makes a huge difference.

Also our NEW Family Traditions for Christmas around the different foods we like to eat need some planning and timing of prep, par baking etc.
I always do a Traditional Christmas Roast but no Turduckens here lol.

So I need to schedule pretty tightly where I can on this lead up, all good! I'm determined to have a happy time!

I'm off to begin this process by writing out our Christmas Menu (for mine eyes only, in case I run out of time lol) then following that the comprehensive Shopping List for groceries.

THEN the last Christmas presents. There are fussy presents in there that need a special trip, which drives me crazy lol... so I put them in when I'm already going out that way.

And the beautiful dentist first thing Monday morning omg... yuck.

I was going to invite myself to my Great Aunty's on Boxing Day but looks like p.son and gf will be either here on that day or arriving that day. IDK whatever lol. I'll try to squeeze in a visit to G. Aunty's some time on that day.

Love EM!!

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

I've seen that quote you mentioned, re leaving a room better than it was when you entered. It's a good policy and one I tend to default to. If there's rubbish or dishes or general disorder I do something toward fixing it. Feels better.

Your Christmas plans sound good, if exhausting by my standards. Good luck getting it all organised.

My other post on here that disappeared just turned up, you'll find it at the end of the last page.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Blue's Clues said:

Hey EM and all,

This thread has been crazy busy since I last posted, I'm afraid it's beyond me to keep up. Still, here to say I'm thinking of you and you bet I'm proud of the minimising efforts, haha. I'm glad you have so many people here to support you, knowing you're in good hands while I've been too overwhelmed with life to stop in. Your Christmas tree sounds great (I agree, great colour scheme) - making the season yours and enjoying it as it exists in your life right now is important, I think.

Blue.

Hey Blue

Thankyou for your post, it finally appeared lol! Not sure why that happens or how I missed it but I do appreciate it Blue!

I know you've been exhausted with work and I imagine it's a BUSY time of year in your sector!
So thankyou!

And thankyou for your next post also lol.

Yeah, I'm run off my feet most days but now the kids are getting older, I'm able to nap here and there which is AWESOME! lol.
I just had a nap before coming online and it should be an early night tonight after a very late one last night.

I think my efforts of minimalising unnecessary things in our home is really helping my mindset.
It's also EASIER to put things back in "their place" once I find a place for them that is.

Ofcourse after Christmas our home with be in quite the state since we're changing over 3 rooms, swapping ppl about... it will be SO worth the work (I'm hoping lol!). I need to rip up carpet in a large bedroom and do all that entails getting back to the floorboards so I'm keen for the end result but am not really looking forward to the MESS!

My room will take the longest to organise, potentially years to get it right. I'll just make do with whatever furniture we've already got since the main living areas, some jobs in the garden and bungalow are far higher priorities for my money. Plus the kids ofcourse whilst they're still at home.
Plus my intended room has holes in the walls from demon. The kids covered them with posters lol. Uncle is planning on repairing them over Summer.

I just need a CLEAN and organised room. Not a picture perfect bedroom atm.

So many more repairs and maintenance to do, mostly by me, but that's okay.
We'll get there and attempt to enjoy the journey along the way!

I am LOVING changing up the colour schemes in the house.
Makes the world of difference having a "make over".

Talk soon
Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Thanks for understanding, you bet it's busy this time of year. Looks like our union talked my company into paying penalty rates for Boxing Day now, so at least working what should be a public holiday (and is in every other state) won't be quite the same insult it was.

I'm glad you're able to get naps these days, naps are the best.

You have just stated exactly why I am a minimalist. Anything you don't use or get enjoyment from just saps your time and your energy, takes up both mental and physical space - better to get rid of it! And you bet being able to put things away easily makes life better. You reduce the visual clutter that pulls at your attention and can feel calmer. It's a win win.

I don't doubt your work will be met with suitable reward. Ripping up carpet is satisfying, it's one of the first things I did when I was moving into my house, the carpet in here was revolting. Out it went. I didn't even mind the mess that much, it was stuff we could put in kerbside collection and it was evidence of hard work. You may find the same.

Even just beginning the change in your room and patching up the holes will feel good, I think. Clean and organised makes for a much more peaceful sleeping space, you'll thank yourself for it, I'm sure, and for the process of fixing and maintainging everything.

Couldn't agree more about changing colour schemes. Just things like curtains, cushions and throw rugs really change the feel of a house immensely. I loved getting heaps of black stuff after I split with the ex, he hated me getting black things, thought it was "too emo". Well, I'm a bit emo, so I'm having black furniture! That with the dark green suits me down to the ground, and my partner is happy with it too. Glad you're having fun changing colours at home.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue!

You posted that message JUST as I was about to come and scream in frustration on the forums over the whole changing rooms thing.

I hope I can get a 2nd breath for it tonight!

I spoke with BF about it all today.
I have a mish mash of storage (no built ins) in my new room. SO I was going to put my Winter clothes in containers with lids and store them downstairs.
Since p.son & the other kids are also using all the containers, I've run out!

It's expensive!
Garbage bags just won't cut it in the downstairs storage area.
GRRRR lol.

And I need LOTS of help to move heavy furniture OUT of p.son's room so I can move mine IN.
One bookcase that Alexa wants took 3 men to move it IN there!
I'm going to have to hire a Handyman, I just can't do this by myself.
He can't do it by himself either I think... hmmm.

P.son came home and we really enjoyed him being home. GF was flitting in and out but when she was out and went back South, son just SLEPT! He is EXHAUSTED!
He said he wants to have lots of kids and he's sure getting a taste of that life living down there lol!
BUT I needed him to sort through a mountain of stuff!
AND his previous school's book work. He needs some of it still so.... waiting waiting.

I hate to even think this but BF said it's my only option.... fill up my lovely tidy loungeroom ughhh!
I'm going to do that after Christmas, it's just the most efficient way to get it all moved around with the least amount of "moves".

Just put son's stuff in there until Yvette's b/room is cleared out (a few weeks yet at least and AFTER the carpet is gone and rubber scraped off etc). No our Council won't take carpet, sadly. That's classified as "renovation" materials so we have to pay to dump it. OR cut it up in small pieces for the red bin ugh.

WELL I AM GLAD you may have some good news on the pay front for Public Hols!!
PRAYING for that for you all! YAY!!!

Better get back to it.
My red bin is full and I have bags of garbage for the neighbour's bins waiting in the hallway as per usual omg!

Lots of love
EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

I can imagine the frustration, trying to get everything organised. The chaos of cleaning/organising tends to get worse before it gets better, in the process. But it will get better. From everything you've said, it sounds like you're doing a bang up job. Go you!

D'oh about the containers! Have you got a Cheap as Chips nearby? They do some fairly decent storage containers pretty cheaply. No, garbage bags are not the way to go! The thought of it gives me chills, you've no idea how much of my mum's stuff is piled up in garbage bags around the place. She hasn't the courage to look at what's in them and sort it out, so instead she lives amidst it all, letting it haunt all her days and nights - i.e. a far worse scenario than just dealing with it. It's been that way with her as long as I can remember. I get so angry with her sometimes.

Wow, that's one hell of a bookcase! Would a sack trolley help move it? I imagine less manpower needed. Great little inventions, those.

Can you ask prodigal son to just take all the bookwork and sort out what needs to be kept, at home?

Oh dear, filling your lounge, that's a painful prospect, isn't it? I guess if it is the only option, it is definitely motivation to get through the job quickly. Though do you have shed space or anything for some of the stuff? Yes, after Christmas, let your lounge room stay lovely for a while.

Oh, that's annoying about the carpet. A good stanley knife will cut it efficiently though, I've had to do a bit of that, myself. You can quickly make biggish chunks and use the huge garden rubbish bags to get it moved fairly efficiently in the red bin.

Thanks, I'm glad to be getting properly paid for working on a bloody public holiday (whether my state's government want to acknowledge it being one or not).

Haha, oh dear. I remember being at that stage of minimising, it really wasn't that long ago. I still go on semi-regular purges but there is a lot less stuff to cull these days, I do reasonably well at stemming the flow into the house. Gotta work on getting my partner to do the same, though. He's decent at it, but could stand to refine his technique a bit! Good luck with all the clearing out, I am enjoying the gusto you're tackling it with.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue! Thankyou so much for your thoughtful and detailed post! lol.
Miss Attention to detail there lol.

Yeah I DO have some idea of the hoarding habits.... my grandmother would buy all whole haberdashery SHOPS Stock that were going our of business. Then donate it to charities over time. Needless to say her entire roof cavity was piled high with garbage bags of it when she passed, so it was dolled out to everywhere.

I have lots of her antique furniture.

My mother has hoarded herself out of her entire property. So that's a motivation to us all.

We don't have that store, I've never heard of it lol. We have others, and the containers are a third of the price to other places.

Yes I have a dolly to move furniture but it won't cut it with this bookcase lol! We'll work it out.

Gosh I really had no idea how much trying to contact those friends would trigger me this morning. 2 have responded but a few others have now too and woah!!! Their anxiety over covid is through the roof!
Once the holiday period began we've had a lot of tourists and are now a hot spot after many months of zero cases.

My kids are coping well.
Wearing masks at work again etc etc.

I'm just doing my thang with extra precautions ofcourse.
WOAH. I need to go low / no contact again, oh well. That's going to take some mind work on my side.

Yeah p.son can't take all his bookwork atm, he only travels with one backpack up and down.
I'll pack it up if he hasn't dealt with it by the changing rooms stage and leave it in his new room in labelled boxes. He intends to study between the 2 homes and WORK down there too. It won't work out as he sees it, they're calling him to work extra shifts down there.

He's the least of my concerns really lol!
He culled or took 50%... but I have ALL the kids stuff here. Even those who've moved out lol,, cheeky monkeys.

Yep I have a stanley knife, a few of them! It'll be a DISGUSTING job ripping up that carpet.
I'm going to put strips of it on the lantana trying to come up way down in the back garden.
Works a treat.

Gotta get on with a about 5 things I forgot to buy, ingredients for recipes for the few days.
Then cook and prep more food today.

SO HAPPY that you're finally getting fair pay for public holidays, what rot that is that they're complaining about THAT, they've made a motza this year so phooey to that.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: really gotta follow my instincts 100%.

Being Christmas Eve with a large family, it's been a busy lead up & busy day today.

I scheduled all things out for the last week as there's usually a "left field" thing thrown in to shake things up lol... aha. ALWAYS.

I got the BIGGEST lesson in following my instincts by NOT following them 100% today.
I did about 80% but that wild card 20% was enough to blow this afternoon out of the water.

BF has been extra emotional this week and I understand that. HE'S usually the rational one, so I was very patient, loving, giving him lots of time ie hours per day.

Today I wasn't much in the mood for talking on the phone, even to BF, bec I had so much to do and my headache was back.
Still I answered his call.

STUPID mistake on my behalf. The call escalated, and I learnt ALOT about him, or it was cemented in my mind more, so I guess it was beneficial but yuck just the same. Can't remember the last time I cried! And boy I cried this afternoon! (trigger to follow... blergh).

I need to make a PROMISE TO MYSELF to follow my gut instincts!! 100% and no less!!

I emptied my letter box bec it was overflowing with BILLS and junk mail lol... throw them on the pile.

ONE LETTER... omg I was on the phone with BF and I saw the handwriting on the letter.
I only mentioned today on Blue's thread how I am relishing the FREEDOM of not having demon m-i-l in my life ANY MORE.

It was addressed to ME alone from her, how dare she use "Mrs.... " vomit.
I started to shake. Was shaking opening the envelope.
Their address was even on the back of the envelope..... what IS that....

a woman who lied in Courts saying I was violent to her every single family gathering for over 20y

a woman who lied to every single govt authority to try to have me ridden of entirely

a woman who goes to church and did this and more

now she wants.... what?

FROM ME?

she wants to get her evil tentacles into our lives again

never ever ever again.

ON a far higher note, p.son is on the train now to come home for Christmas.
I'm so grateful he's coming home. I know it's also to try to pick up his car! lol but it's the only one working atm, Alexa has mine, so it's not happening either.
He doesn't have a license anyway, he's only on his Ls.

What a shame this stuff happens at Christmas or any time.

NOT opening letters with that h/writing from now on.

I need to journal ALL this vitriol OUT asap.

Love to you all
EMxxxx