new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

That's lovely that your friend's family "adopted" you and took lots of photos.

These are the memories we can hold on to and be grateful for (hopefully replacing the awful memories of our own parents).

T's family was like this for me.

T's mum (I went to the funeral for this week), the whole family also took me on holidays with them.
Overseas once too even. They haven't been overseas since.

T told me she has lots of photos of us on holidays together.
I must get a copy of those photos - since demon destroyed every photo I had.
I didn't have copies of those pics from holidays anyway, maybe that's a bonus lol.

Oh yeah re: friends having affairs.
I'll be honest.
I go NC. LOL!
NO WAY will I listen to that stuff.

I'm unapologetically 100% against affairs and make no bones about it.

All it is, is drama they INVITE into their lives, destroying families etc etc.
Using excuses which drive me crazy.
I want NOTHING to do with all those choices.

Yeah, there's one thing to be a friend and another thing entirely to be "a stepping stone".
I don't like it but it seems to be the pattern of our human experience.

This friend in Qld who I'm SUDDENLY her best friend to lol... made some pretty obvious statements about living at my house "until I get on my feet again"...
I can't. I won't do that.

I'm setting up some distance between us bec I just have too much on my plate atm. I'm still in quite alot of discomfort from my mouth and this work is ongoing, and the kids and no cars lol... it goes on!

How are you doing Sleepy?

Love EM

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy!

I've been meaning to ask you.... which type of Tradie did you use to mount your TV on the wall in your loungeroom?

That's all lol.

Thankyou!
EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

Hi EM!

I used a handyman that I got from my friend - I just looked at his website - he's kind of a jack-of-all trades. I made a list of things I needed to do around the house - like also install a hook to hang a mirror, hang up a painting, and a few bits and pieces. My friend uses him but I'm not sure how I'd find him on google. He gave me the option to either get a mount that was tilted or straight - I think straight looks better but titled is what I got.
Because more functional and it still looks fine.
I know Jim's does this as well - they have handymen who do it but this guy was a bit cheaper... I just got him through word of mouth, as a general handyman. Some of these guys have quite serious skills and I'd just ask i they've done many tv mounts before. He seemed pretty pro at it so I felt comfortable with him. It's not too tricky I think if they know what they're doing!

[ecomama]

Thanks Sleepy!

I had a very good handyman build those shelves downstairs for me for a really great rate as long as I kept the coffee flowing and fed him lots lol.

I hope you don't mind me asking more questions.... maybe this should be on the home improvements thread ugh...

So why do you think a straight mounting would have been better?

And how do you hide all the cords etc?

And... (sorry) do you have a DVD player?
If so where does it go?

We have the CCTV hooked up to this TV, so there's a box etc and I'm clueless as to where it goes if I mount the TV.

EMxxxx

PS: I think Blubes would be proud of me.... I've finally cleared out the entire corner of my loungeroom and am cleaning it REALLY well atm. Taking the windows out lol and cleaning the tracks YUCK!!!
And cleaning the windows too.

I'm putting the Christmas tree up in that corner, so all around it needs to look sparkling clean.
That's about the amount of stuff I've done this weekend.
My mouth is NOT happy.
I may have a dry socket but really hope not.
One hole hurts and the other is fine, oh dear.
xxxx

[Guest_1643]

Hey EM -

no problem asking

Since I'm renting I don't think I could do what is needed to hide the cords. They cut into the wall in a small way and hide them behind. The cords look a bit bad, I've concealed them as best as I can with accessories etc but it's not perfect. Same with the DVD i don't use it much but had it in an awkward plcae on the mantel. I wsn't able to conceal it.

I think mounting it just straight looks better - but if its very high up - like mine is - the little tilt makes it more comfy to watch. It's not that different the little tilt, you hardly notice it. I think the straight one looks cleaner but I'm okay with how mine looks.

[ecomama]

Thanks so much Sleepy.

It's a rectangular galley shaped loungeroom so I think straight may go better.
The walls are not high and we mostly see the TV from other rooms that are a step higher.

Mmmm food for thought!

I've been watching / listening to "The Detectorists" on Netlfix, cute and funny show.

I think I'll need some podcast recommendations for listening to whilst changing rooms over Summer.
AND if it stays cool lol... I might even do some painting, so a podcast would be great for company.

I put our new Christmas Tree up and the coloured fairy lights on it too. It looks so sweet in the corner. Really cheerful. :-))

EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

Yes I've seen it come up on Netflix.
Did you know that Twyla on Schitt's Creek is David's real life sister (Dan Levy).

I had no idea!
The house sounds very pretty and good on u for all the work you did sorting and decluttering

I have put all my books together in one plcae. They have become dusty which really upset me. I am very attached to them and they were sitting just on the floor. I think it hurt their "feelings" in a way.

Now I've wiped them down and put them in a shelf. I have about 40 books atm, and they are quite a weird bunch. Fiction, non fiction, self help, art, poetry, and the odd essay-collection. At least now they are all together in my room which is nice.

[ecomama]

OMG LOL okay yes! Now I can see the resemblance between them both.

Gosh Twyla is the sweetest personality isn't she?

I could never be that sweet lol!
I really love that show.

Oh Sleepy I didn't sort through that big pile lol in the corner of my loungeroom lol... I threw SOME stuff out but then just moved it or else I wouldn't have time to clean and put up the Christmas tree before work today.
It's all on the balcony in another big pile oh dear.

Doesn't matter.

I love how you feel about your books. They're amazing company aren't they?
Alexa says they're like her friends.

Btw I think Alexa is 'breaking up' with Angelo.
She said he's 'emotionally unavailable' and other stuff.
She's glad she took it real slow and didn't jump in boots and all.
It's a downer for her and us, on top of all her other health issues and her kids Court Orders not being sorted out.

Back to square one with all that.

The recovery in my mouth is taking so much longer than I thought. I woke up exactly 4h after the last pain killers twice last night and then this morning. I have to keep them up.

Back to work today. I have to talk to my boss about some issues she won't want to know about lol.. we've had auditors in for the past week and she's been stressed to the eyeballs.
I'm running out of time to talk to her hmmm.

Yvette has her formal tonight and no one in our family can make it for her photos.
After last year when the boys had theirs, EVERYONE made it.
Doesn't make her feel very loved she said.
I'll be there ofcourse lol but that's not counted. I'm part of the furniture.

HUGE day at work today... so many events going on I can't keep track. Object permanence and all that lol... I'm wearing Christmassy things just to join in.

How are things going for you dearie?
I hope you're doing okay?

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update.

It's pretty annoying when Drs aren't clear / don't tell you beforehand how surgery may affect you afterwards.

I found out AFTER the surgery that I should have had a week's leave.
Bit late to apply for leave after it.

So I'm feeling pretty awful now that all the anaesthetics have left my system etc.

I can only take the mildest form of pain relief, the Dentist said it won't be enough.
He was right.

In this case, I'm hoping I can heal fast.

Still work, life and the issues of all that and family remain!
I had a lot to do today. Even doing the minimum.

One son is trying to leave school and for the first time, I'm basically saying NO.
I am totally OVER kids making bad decisions then regretting them then begging me to help them mop up the mess. I know it's "life" but not when it's an obviously stupid decision IMO.

So many of our cars are kaput lol... oh that's a pain. We're playing swapsies 24/7 there.

So many of the kids phones are playing up.... oh thankyou with the timed breakdowns of technology.

Yvette is doing well lol... a bright bit of sunshine in all this for sure.

Alexa broke up with Angelo tonight and he cried his eyes out. He says he's confused about what he wants but that's all too confusing for Alexa so that's over.

Alexa got accepted into Uni tonight... doing her Psych Honours part time. She found that out AFTER she broke up with Angelo. I made a fuss and congratulated her. This time she's determined and I can hear that in her voice.

A few other things but hopefully they work out okay.

I hope everyone's doing well.

Nighty night
EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update

I had my last day at work for a month starting today, yay?

Tbh I'm feeling pretty weird about it. I'm actually afraid I'll have "too much time to think" on my hands.

SO in response to this I made about 8 phonecalls to friends and zero answered ugh... I left messages. More weird.

Immediately when I got home I opened a stack of mail and had to quickly go online and correct a Centrelink error but got pretty anxious when I couldn't find out how to do it.

Then mucked up 2 voicemails by accidentally deleting the messages.

SO had to wait on hold for ages calling back one place.

Gosh I hope I got that all right because it was about my Super draw down.

Because of all these weird feelings not working, I think I made the right decision about going back FT next year.

I ALWAYS have a lot of work to do at home but it's not really in the self-care realm, so I wanted to make IRL connections with friends etc and am feeling like that may not happen easily at all.

I hate nagging, so I won't keep calling.

I'd be quite happy to hermit myself away at home but I KNOW it's not good for my MH.

Vet and Chiro tomorrow. Vet for my rescue poodle not me lol.

Wrapped a few little presents I had already, so they're looking pretty under the tree.

Alexa is sad which I know effects me too.
Not even sure how to help her there.

Self-care my Counsellor would say lol.

So I'll have a late dinner and get to bed before midnight!

Love EM