new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[monkey_magic]

What a surprise with Alexa's pay! That's really good news. Have fun car shopping for a super nice car if you're doing it together. My car has made so much difference to my life. Way easier to drive and I feel much safer in it. I enjoy driving a lot more.

I really hope you do get approval for your super. When the money's there life just flows...stress and depression can rack off lol...yes music is such a saving grace.

The girls sound like they're taking leaps in life. That must feel really good.

Oh and a funeral. Won't talk about that because I'll feel sad. Since I've found my new lease on life I don't even want to think that I'll die, or others...but it's enevitable. Just have to pack in lots of good times. Hope you get through it ok.

I have another work day tomorrow for the week then off to do whatever I please.

Keep shinning!

[ecomama]

Oh I know! Alexa's pay... crazy stuff lol. She just did 1 month's adjustments tonight and that alone was $2000 so times 5 that's another $10k.... craaaazyyyy.
She's looking at a $22k Audi lol.
She's having a lot of anxiety about "this is the most I've ever spent on ANY THING!! IDK if I can do it!!" stuff... but that's what she said about the $2k TV she bought a few months ago then more for a beautiful new fridge after that..

I just kept trying to settle her feelings about it all.

I just sent her a text about what Brene Brown says that 95% of people do... "foreboding joy"....

When things are going really well, they / we think OMG something's gonna happen.

The way to quell these feelings is to express GRATITUDE!!!

So I'm SO GRATEFUL you told us all about your Super draw down adventure lol.
I'm grateful you're having so many realisations about how you want your life to be.

I'm having a few realisations myself about myself and my life. Lol. All good tho.

A while back I was freaking about going back FT next year.
Then had a vent to BF about it on the weekend. He was great, just listened and mirrored lol instead of trying to fix everything.

I've come up with a few solutions to helping the stuff at home go more smoothly.
Gardener once when I'm not here and once WITH me - every 3 months or so.

Also thinking about an easy, healthy food delivery service, one that has some frozen meals too. But only buying for ONE person just to give some foundational food to the house bec the kids and I have so many different schedules, we seldom see each other for days some weeks.

And I want some FREE time even working FT.
So this can free up some time for me, I'm hoping.

Yep the funeral tomorrow. I've had to delegate 5 jobs including taking poodle to the groomer etc just to keep things going while I'm there. It'll be sad. My darling friend has been through far too much. She's a strong one.

So before I go, I'm thinking to do some gardening lol. Then come in and have a scrub then go.
Just do something peaceful and settling for me.
The whipper snipper is on CHARGE, so watch out garden lol.

The weather is so beautifully COOL tonight!
Loving it.

What are you doing on your days off monkey moo?

How is everyone else doing?

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update:

We had a beautiful funeral for my friend's mum today.
It was really so beautiful. Lots of memories shared and lots of tears but when we went to a Club for the wake, there was lots of laughter and fewer tears.

She was an absolute unique card of a woman. She wasn't into tears at all.
So it was fitting.

I was called back home early due to issues with stuff because we're down more than 2 cars now.

Tonight I had to swap three cars around houses, what a palaver.

I caught my first Uber and that was FUN! lol... why not make everything fun hey?

Then I contacted my friend in Qld who'd called me and I had to miss her call.
Her relationship has broken up. She is so perplexed, bewildered, shocked... she even cried for the first time I ever remember to me, even though she's been through so much and we've known each other for 30y. She thought she'd be with her partner for the rest of their lives, as he said.
We're quite sure he's met someone else.

She's coming home.
I'm glad for that.
Her children and grandchildren live in our state plus ALL of her best friends.

Her only sibling cut her off this year too. BIG stuff.

I really hope she can get through this and find some happiness over time.
It's all hard this stuff, like really hard.

IDK it's just hard.

So I'm checking my enmeshment there too.

It sounds cold but I've been advised to do this for a LONG time.
Very explicitly lately.
So I'm taking heed, since most other things Counsellors, psychs and BBers here have told me is extremely valuable.

Everything I've learnt this year is working well. Self-care might be a far better remedy than I gave it ANY credit for lol.

I'm learning.

Early wake up tomorrow.
Interesting dental surgery tomorrow afternoon.
A lot to fit it over the next week or so.

BUSY TIMES.

I hope everyone is travelling okay?

EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Sorry it's been a while. Work and all that. I'll save that conversation for my thread.

I'm glad prodigal son's visit went well, and that Alexa has had such an improvement in her finances. Who would have seen doubled pay coming? I won't lie, I'm a bit jealous. She sounds like someone who will really make that work for her.

Sounds like the funeral went well, that's good. I know it's hard losing someone you care about though, I wouldn't downplay that. Sharing the memories and celebrating her life is a good thing.

Sorry to hear about your QLD friend, that's rough. Seriously, no-one is having a good year, 2020 needs to go.

Checking your enmeshment is definitely important. I'm not a high empathy person (which isn't to say I don't care or understand, but I don't feel others' emotions along with them), so I don't struggle too much with that sort of thing, but I've seen how it impacts those who do. Compassion fatigue is a thing and not so different in its damage to the fatigue you get from your own stresses. I think also that stepping back and being separate from the pain of another person allows us to give them better, more objective and useful support.

You're doing really well with self care, it is so valuable, I'm glad you're taking it on board and getting the benefits. Even those that involve the dentist, haha. Yeah, I know that bit isn't fun, but getting healthy is worth it. You've got this.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue

I'll catch up on your thread. Hope your week was okay just the same, hugs.

I'm sitting here with Lord knows how many stitches in my mouth on both sides, only on paracetamol and have to take antibiotics for my mouth for a week. It was INTERESTING. I came home and slept for 4 hours lol. Still haven't eaten. Can't have hot or cold food etc etc.
What a palaver.

Yeah compassion fatigue. I have to watch it! That same friend is BESIDE herself! She called again this morning for hours. She's not coping at all. He lined his ducks in a row, to me this was coming for the past 2y, she's beginning to see it but all that breaks her heart more. It was a 4y relationship but he's not a good person. I think as Sleepy shared, possibly a covert narc.

No one wants a broken heart.

Tbh I think she wanted me to offer that she live here. (😮)
I haven't and won't. Can't do that stuff. I know my limits!
BUT I think she's working on it at me.

In reflection on our friendship, she was NC with me throughout the entire separation / divorce / Courts fiasco. Never called or answered calls.
Strange how she's leaning on me almost 100% now. 🤨

So this realisation made me feel "meh" over it & helped my detachment.
Plus her vocab to describe other people's reactions eg "they'll be DEVASTATED"... yeah no, no one will be devastated. It's not a natural disaster.
I'll be nice & take one call per week from now at the MOST.

OMG GREAT NEWS!!!! lol... I got approved for the Superannuation Draw down. So relieved.
You can be jealous of Alexa's fortune lol but I think the better word for it is "envious".
You're too nice to be jealous!

Between you and me, so few ppl would DO the work she's done.
Cleaning out porta potties, starting work at 11pm till 8am. Never knowing when she's working till the last minute. There's more than that. TMI otherwise.

So I should have my Super by the end of the week.
It's going to my teeth, Yvette's psychologist / psychiatrist costs, new tyres + rego for my car, CHRISTMAS presents for all the kids & grandkids. Maybe lending some money to one son for his new car. His car is going to the recyclers soon ughh.

Plus Uncle's building projects around the house.
He was very understanding this morning, yay!
He said I could pay him later.

Just spoke to a young friend, whom I met thru my work when she was 9yo. She's now in her 30s. I'll be meeting her 4th baby soon. Love them to bits.

I'll be nursing my mouth all weekend, hope I can work next week.

Love EM

[monkey_magic]

I knew you would get your super withdrawal approved!!

Ouch with the teeth. Stitches, were U awake for them? How did it feel? Scary stuff. Ur amazing for letting them do their work. I've stopped them before. Dentists are traumatizing, in my books, lol.

On my days off- so far I've been to a Lebanese restaurant with a friend, the markets and bought clip in hair extensions, big gold hoop earrings, makeup, a bag and I'm going to be making some juice for weight loss.
The ingredients are celery, apple, carrot, beetroot, and watermelon.

Might also pop in to see a friend. Hopefully he's having a BBQ tomorrow.

Life is so unfair at times...still feel unwell a lot bcas of the psych drugs I was forced on for 2 yrs. I'm permanently unwell 😒 but have to keep living...girl at work thinks I should sue...don't know if I'm game, but I do know that stuff is life altering even after you've stopped using...in a negative way.

Lots of good stuff going on in your posts above.

Take care with the mouth...I really need a check up at the dentist...and I have to woman up at some stage. I do want a clean though.

[ecomama]

LOL @ monkey and your comment to WOMAN UP lol... crikeys monkey you've achieved so much in getting off the forced drugging, you don't have to prove anything to anyone anymore.

Still a clean would be nice lol.

Oh just a side point, there ARE Lawyers who represent you to sue and if you don't win then you don't pay. Sounds good but check their rates if you decide. A fixed % would be an okay way to go.
Not a pay by the minute (or "unit" as they call it - I call THEM units sometimes lol).... so many Lawyers hearts are in the right places, but not their bosses so much.

Think about it.
Not sure of a statute of limitations etc.

You can get free legal advice from Govt legal services and ask.
I'm so sorry you're still unwell sweetie girl. Hugs.

OH YEAH I got the moula! Well it should come by Friday! It's been approved anyway so YIPPEE! lol.

AHA I was awake the whole way through two large back teeth extractions. Then bone grafts WOAH then gauzing then lots of stitches. The stitches come out mid January.
Yes it was re-traumatising. I had flashbacks to some emergency procedures during the births which I was also awake for.... so hmmm I really needed to do alot of grounding exercises today.
My hand and arms still feel quite numb which is one of my symptoms of PTSD triggering.

The FUN of it all hey?

I LOVE YOUR JUICE MIX and self-care list!!! LOVING IT lol.

I was half zonked yesterday in the chemist awaiting my script after the dentist and bought some make up too lol... not sure if I like it today LOL!!
Bought 2 pairs of earrings too lol... note to self... not to go shopping after the dentist.

Yvette was feeling SO crappy today. A revoltingly rough week for her friendship and work wise.
So I took her to an expensive seas side town and we had lunch and ice cream together.
She talked a lot and I was so happy she did.
She feels so much brighter now.

Yvette asked for braces a few years ago, as all my other children have had - seriously the $$ I've spent on teeth could have bought another WHOLE house, but then I'd have a toothless family LOL!
So we're going to look into braces for her or what type of things for her teeth.
She has THE most beautiful teeth of us all. Most of my kids do. But the investment has been there. She won't need much but it's important she has same opportunity from my POV and hers too lol.

Off to the self-care thread lol.

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

I have some idea of what you're going through. It's not that long ago I had all four wisdom teeth out at once. Stitches and a whole lot of pain. I got it done in the chair, not the hospital, so local anaesthetic (I could feel the tugging and hear crunching) and they turfed me out shortly after, still bleeding. That was a good look, waiting for a script in the chemist after. I guess at least they gave me decent pain killers. Sorry to see your experience was triggering for you. That sucks.

Funny how it's the ones that disappear when you need them that suddenly want your attention constantly when they need something. Your reflections on your relationship are encouraging as far as self care goes. That ability to step back and look at it as a whole will serve you well in avoiding compassion fatigue. Good work.

Really glad for you that drawing some super has worked out. That should take some of the pressure off.

Yes, envious might be a better word. I'm a word nerd, but I still had to stop and check the difference, they are so often used interchangeably. Okay, now I know her work, I am doubly certain she deserves the raise! As you say, not many people would do it (and I still suspect it's better than my job).

Fingers crossed the money comes through soon. Glad Uncle has been understanding about things.

When you mentioned your friend's baby, I couldn't help but think of you in your fragile state sharing the baby's teething rusks, haha.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Lol I have such a prolific breast milk supply that I CAN'T HOLD babies at all. I only visit those who understand.

THAT'S a self-care thing too lol.

Yeah weird that friend... almost ALL her family (about 25 ppl) live in a major city about 1-2 hours from here. It's very beautiful here so I understand her wanting to move here BUT she only knows TWO people here.
I know I have a very big house BUT I also have kids living in the garage... (by their own choice) and there are absolutely ZERO spare rooms.

It sounds tough but it's a definite no.

She sounds SO desperate, and no one would want to be in this situation.
I've most definitely been there. A number of times.

I didn't see anyone racing to help me lol. But it's not about that.

It'd be a very stupid move to let her.
BF said she would never move out. He had same situation with a relly once and they had to MOVE HOUSE to get her out.

Next time I speak with her, I'll suggest she put her name on the Public Housing list. Some units here are BEAUTIFUL! I'd live in those in a heartbeat!

Anyway she texted today. I haven't responded.
She's off work but I'm NOT lol.

She was repeatedly trying to get me to tell her ways to get her partner back... 😮
I shut shop if someone says they're done.
I'm done too.
Don't let the door hit you on the way out!

Haven't seen her for c20y and suddenly I'm her best friend? Aha weird.

We've got a situation here with so many cars absolutely and totally dead.
Eldest D is bringing her bike across to us tomorrow lol.
demon damaged our bikes here and I need to get them to the bike repair shop to see if they can be redeemed.

oh demon family are circling.
Yvette told me today about another 2 events last night.
A different relative not taking no for an answer and one son AND THE BOSS telling her they'll call the police if she doesn't leave.

Cunning how they're using different people so we can't get AVOs on one person who's repeating actions. Soon they'll face the wrath of the company instead which is a lighter move for us!

I have less than 24h less of "bed rest" lol... nice lunch on the beach is almost bed rest in my books!
Yeah I had 2 wisdom teeth out at a time, 2 weeks apart but had one dry socket each adventure.
And my HSC exams in amongst it.
Not fun.

Oh the memories.

Looks like we have an "After Party" here this week after a High School formal.
That's cool. Should be nice for the kids. 😆🤣😂

EMxxxx

It's wearing on the kids.
And me as per.

[Guest_1643]

hey EM!

I just read about whats been happening - awesome to hvae the party at your house! lovely that they'll have the memories at urs - so cool.
I remember my "before" party from my formal - it was so nice. I took lots of photos with my friends mum more than my own lol. She was this nice mum who treated me as her own. Always asking after me. The family took me on a holiday with them too. "Adopted" Lol. Fun times.

I was so cheering for u in what you said about your friend - that the language she uses is so off about things - Your'e right "devestated..." so dramatic. It's hard being involved in break-ups when one person can't see what's before their eyes.
Do these people ever see it?

I had a friend who had an affair while still married and talked to me through it. She since divorced him and picked up a new guy - I've never heard from her since then. She leaned on me the whole time, then discarded me.

It doesn't really hurt any more but I think for some ppl female friendship is just a stepping stone while they're between men. The only time I've heard from her since is related to men she wants to date who I might know. Other than that.. I don't exist. Coz, you know, I'm not an eligible man.
So, like, who cares right?

She also tried to set me up with her husband as she was divorcing him. That was fun, lol. People!!