new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_4643]

Hi everyone, just coming to say hello

- Tayla

[ecomama]

Hi Sleepy, Hi Tay Tay lol cute nickname,

Yeah about the colours.... the thing is that the horrible styrofoam ceiling panels will take your attention if I DON'T do a feature wall in a colour.... ie IF I painted the WHOLE room white...

Plus the whole room was white during the first 10y of being here and I don't want to trigger myself.

If I got some A4 pages of all those colours, I'll see which one I can imagine would work best.

Anyway thankyou for helping.

I'm not doing well today.

Alot more made sense to me as I reflected upon my Convo with BF all night last night... Alexa also pointed it out too... he's full of fear about moving here (remember he needs hundreds of thousands of dollars to do so anyway by Govt requirements due to his age). It's a very complicated and demanding process bec of his age.

I know he loves me and I know I love him.

If there was any doubt about his love for me then it would be a far easier decision to break up - but it's not easy.

None if it's easy.

I sent him a long text message asking for the plans of the cabin to be emailed to me.
That he's choosing to risk everything, including our future together, but that it's put me between a rock and hard place... 1 I can't live with a resentful, regretful angry person and 2 I can't live with a massive gambler.
SO he HAS to do this business.
I wished him luck.

I'll find someone else to do the plans with me. Lord know who, IDK.

And now Alexa wants her chickens back. She's going to ask the landlord if she can have them.

I am happy for her - these last few are hers.

Blind darling chicken is mine so I'll keep her.

But woah what a depressive feeling I had over that this morning coming out to feed them all....

too many adjustments too quickly.

I have shakiness, dizziness and vertigo - which symbolises PTSD for me...

Alexa and her neighbours have so many spiders and the chickens would eat them.

Plus they're her pets anyway.

And I can't get more... not atm... the foxes moved in and I can't handle more chickens living inside.

The laundry is AWFUL due to them all living in there and it needs some heavy, deep cleaning when the chickens finally leave.

Work today.
I hope I can stay focussed and work well.

I hope you all have a great day.

Love EM

[Guest_4643]

Haha thank you EM.

Sorry if I don't read some replies, just so tired lately, stupid insomnia

[ecomama]

HI Tay Tay

No need to apologise AT ALL dear thing!

I must find your thread lol...

I'll try to get there soon.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Hi Sleepy!

In response to your question about Angelo coming on Christmas Day, the answer is I have NO IDEA lol.

He'd be here with bells on tbh, probably go the whole hog too but it's Alexa who's trying to keep their relationship those two only (no family - enmeshment I think lol just yet).

Plus she's not introducing him to her children for a LONG while yet. She needs to get Court Orders done re: Parenting and Property FIRST bec we all know Shep will hit the roof over her meeting someone and probably withhold the children all over again.
It's very stressful for the children and ALL of us when he does this and he's done it so many times now.

So she will have the kids at some point on Christmas Day and she's not sure when yet.

The kids and Alexa will want to do a visit and meal here I'm assuming lol.

Oh did I tell you that his older sister works for Chanel?
LOL!

Angelo dresses like a full on hippy - just like Alexa in her element. She said it's SO funny to see people's faces when they both step out of his $100K car and look the way they do. They both look like teenage hippies lol.

Apparently he went to the bank today to see about a mortgage.

My aim re: interiors for Christmas is to do my best to have a very clean house and clear any clutter from the main rooms.
Also some decorations up.

Then the usual feast but I have no idea WHO will be here, so I hope I get an idea closer to the time lol.

I do the opposite to what my mother did all my life till NC, I never make a fuss over where my family "should be" at Christmas. Mother made month's long fusses and tantrums, she always ruined EVERY special occasion, it's part of the cause of the complex part of my PTSD.
Some fights she had with family lasted 2-3 years.
Ruining times when we SHOULD have been there.

Anyway that's her. She's started up already btw with my eldest children and brother but I'm not talking about it here yet lol.

BF responded via text this afternoon but I haven't read it.
Something like he won't do the business so don't worry about it I saw flashing past.

So there we have Option 1 - a resentful, angry, frustrated person and probably blaming me now.

LC there.

You know come to think of it, I'd RATHER not paint in a hurry before Christmas unless I do it in my own timing.
I'd rather all of us SEE the difference between now and then.

The kids are loving the changes already tho :-))

Love EM

[Guest_4643]

Hey EM, Sleepy & others.

My thread is called "hi everyone, I'm back" if you wish to check it out

[Guest_1643]

Hey EM -

wow Chanel as well - like Rachel from Friends who worked at Rachel Lauren.
They sound like very ambitious people. It's a great quality.
I can imagine it's a lot of excitment getting ready to have everyone over over the holidays... I'm sure Angelo will come though!!
How was ur day?

I've been thinking as well that I have to clear out my spare room - for my mental health. I don't even know what's in there it's just disorder. I thought maybe I'd put couches and a desk in there, but I can't exactly decided what it'll be - I don't want it to be confused - like I want it to have a clear purpose. I thought a rug and couches and books like a chill out space. There's not that much junk but just the way that it's piled up gives me chills so I avoid delaing with it.

[Guest_1643]

hey Tayla thanks for sharing your thread i'm sure everyone will check it out so that's really helpful

how are u

[Guest_4643]

Hey Sleepy, you're welcome.

I'm a bit sad, how are you?

[Guest_1643]

Hi Tayla, sorry to hear you're sad. Is there anything you want to talk about here ? Happy to listen.
Do u have any coping strategies that cheer you up? I try and have a hot drink or watch a funny show. Sorry u haven't been feeling well. Hope you feel better soon.