new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Thankyou monkey

Yes the whole thing plus stress of Yvette and family is making me feel physically ill atm.
My headache won't shift.

With BF the calls are nice when they can happen but with the time differences it's really difficult to even call most days. During Daylight Savings for both of us (right NOW) it's 5h between us but only when he's home. It's up to 7h to 12h difference some times. Oh I say it that way but it's in reverse lol... it's the day BEFORE there.

I just can't keep up when he travels across difft time zones some times.

But I need to think of other things, it's difficult to distract myself.

I Googled "radical self-care" last night and had an awesome long read of memes up there.
They were lovely.

I started this post this morning and felt too ill to keep writing... I'm feeling alot better now.
I took more headache tablets and health supplements - that's radical lol.

I'm SO freaking excited for you and your new car lol... and your TRIPS!
Yay!
Allow me to vicariously live through you lol!

They say parents shouldn't do this but hey why not! I'm not your parent lol..

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

Hey EM - hope you're headache is easing up. That's so interesting and meant to be that Alexa's date's mum shares background with u. It makes things really nice to have friends who share that. I really love that. How are you doing today?

Blues - How beautiful that you and your partner have come through so much. Thanks for sharing. You guys sound meant-to-be.

Monkey - This car!!!! That air conditioning!! The plans and adventures!! You have accomplished so much so quickly. Soon as the drama exited your life you just went 100 percent and I'm so excited. Progress does feel good. It's amazing to see tangible changes. The aircon sounds so good and will make driving more pleasurable. So happy for u

[Guest_1643]

Em thats beautiful that ur boyfriend is surrounded by snow. I've spent some time travelling America and the snow was gorgeous. Do u know when u will be able to see him again? I hope he sends you beautiful pics of the snow and i love that you wake up to songs from each other.
That is a truly beautiful song by Desree. it was featured in Romeo + Juliet with Leo and Claire Danes and was of course at the most romantic part ( I think it's when they meet accross the fish tank but I could be wrong.... whatta scene)....

I hope you got to relax a bit today... sounds like it's been very busy at yours with the kids and of course chicken.
It sounds like the kids are doing really well and the girls are thriving. Alexa sounds very nurturing and warm - I get that feeling that she is someone who people are drawn to and feel safe with. How beautiful that she is like that.

[ecomama]

Hi Sleepy

It's SO COOL in all ways that monkey has her new wheels!

I can't wait to hear about her / your adventures monkey.

Can you get a camera thingy, as your ecomama wants?
I know you'll stay safe.
It'll be so FUN!

You've inspired me to draw down some Super - the whole paying for Yvette's selected Psychologist & Psychiatrist has been super stressing me out.
These won't be on the Victim's Services register. I want who we feel to be the best.
I'm sure VSs ones are great too just not within driving distance.

It's not till about March next year till my wages go up to F/T so I can't cope thinking about the pressure of it all.

Once I decided to draw down Super, my headache subsided.

Anyway I feel good about that & relieved too.

BIG NEWS.. Alexa MUST have had a great time on her date because they've been together all day today also AND going out for dinner tonight!
I still have her dog lol.

Yesterday she still had boundaries over whether or not she'll invite Angelo to SOME part of our Christmas or whether we'll meet him at all soon.

Seriously guys, it's totally up to her.
I support her decisions 100% in regards to this.

SO it could be quite a while before I meet his mum lol... if the relationship stays good.

All in good time.

And wouldn't you know it (I bet Alexa on this anyway & won as per)... Shep is edging closer. Questioning her alot etc.
Wants relationship counselling then cancels - same old mouse wheel.
Alexa repeated the focus is on the kids but he's doing the same ole.
She's maintaining her boundaries well with him.

She just needs Court Orders DONE.
And the joint Business Taxes.
Alexa isn't very focussed on ATO stuff - not good for her really.
But she HAS been under alot of pressure so I can't blame her lol.

Prodigal son isn't coming up for a number of weeks. It'll be a month minimum between seeing him. It hit Yvette & I hard but we're adjusting.
We've had nice texts in between.

The next 2y will be pretty hard. Sorting Yvette's MH stuff which will possibly take far longer. Financial / ATO stuff for me.
Within 3 years ALL my children will be over 18yo... doing whatever they're doing.
Me working F/T with big changes in my career on the horizon - INTERESTING.
Not great timing but when is it?

BF & I are chipping away at Bungalow plans.
BF getting his head around my way of thinking bec of my research, is tricky but he's super intelligent so that helps ALOT! lol.

How are you all going?

LOVE EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

You're welcome, EM. He absolutely is a miracle, most beautiful person on the planet, and I am grateful for every day with him.

Haha, I don't think millions will be coming my way. 100 grand would be handy though. I'll take what I can get and make the most of it for my little family.

I'm glad you phoned the helpline, EM, sounds like it was a positive and helpful experience for you. Having a look at the concept of "radical self care" myself, I think there are a few of us here that could stand to engage more with that.

Sorry you're struggling so much with being apart from your partner. How long is it since you were with him? There was a point during the worst of the pandemic here that I barely saw and couldn't touch my partner for two months, for his safety, because of the very crowded nature of my workplace. All the harder, not knowing how long he had to live, if he would survive surgery if there was a donor in time, etc. Parting isn't "sweet sorrow", it just sucks, plain and simple. I hope something gives in this madness and you get to be together again before too much longer.

Sounds like your daughter's new romance is quite a thing. I'm glad for her. And Y got her nose pierced - nice. It's a good feeling getting new bling, I had my eyebrow done recently and I love it.

Thinking of you, hoping you get results back soon for all the medical stuff - whether the news is good or bad, waiting is always the worst part.

Blue.

Sleepy - thanks, I think we are. He is amazing, I would take all we've been through over trying to make it work with someone else any day.

[ecomama]

Hi Blue

I'm glad you can be close to your partner again, it's beautiful!

My BF and I parted late January 2019, after he'd come to Australia for the first time ever.
He stayed for a month and it was really busy and really wonderful, considering all the circumstances going on during that visit. Alexa had fled to ours with all the kids and it was mayhem and highly triggering for us all.

BF was here for CHRISTMAS! He stayed at a local Motel, then his points (lol - Americans and their points & vouchers - it's AWESOME) bought us all a stay at a 5 Star Motel locally and we stayed there for 2 weeks.
Living in the lap of luxury lol.
As much as he doesn't realise, he's USED to living in the lap of luxury.
His friends call it "an embarrassment of riches" lol.

He's saving very hard indeed - 25% of his income into all sorts of investments - to be able to officially retire and afford to move here and live with me.
Gorgeous man he is.

I agree that the "radical self-care" concept is exactly what we need.

I'm doing that today by having today off work.
My head was still heavy from the averted migraine... it was the pressure of everything really getting to me.

Esp over youngest daughter.

Onwards and upwards everyone.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Well there's nothing like having a MH day off work only to have more shyte to process...

BF called today and he was in a talkative mood... talking about major life regrets! oh yay.

Awful.

Yet again the subject of this Business Plan of his has reared it's ugly head.
I cannot see in any way, shape or form this business working.

But he's like a dog with a bone over it.

So after many hours I did NOT want to spend "discussing" it AGAIN... him asking me to support him... even LIE about my support for it etc etc

I said DO IT.
Just DO IT.

It's utter madness, unadulterated madness.

But the ALTERNATIVE is to always have him resentful, regretful, angry and frustrated over it.
I can't live with a person like that.

I'm feeling extremely uncomfortable in our relationship over this.
To me it's JUST like gambling. But with potentially hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Basically I said "We're not married, so you can and should do whatever you want to do".

So now this eerie strange feeling of huge chasms between us all over again.

My parting words to him today were along the lines of "I'm feeling like you've fallen in love with another woman and all I want is for you to be happy, so be happy".

It also felt like maybe he might be resenting drawing up the plans for my cabin INSTEAD of working on his business idea - IDK.

Whatever.

I'm going Low Contact.

I have enough on my plate, or a mountain on a teaspoon more like it already, without the business stuff.

Anyway it's his life.

EM

[ecomama]

HI Sleepy

Sorry I missed your last post... IDK when I'll see BF again or even IF we'll see each other again.
He has a very high risk job. Covid has made it far riskier.

I'm feeling really down about it all atm.

I'm between a rock and hard place over his latest "decision" about the Business plan.

I need to go low contact just to take a break from it mentally.

Alexa had her 5c worth to say about it but she was very kind.

Anyway I popped on to say I looked at some colour charts for BLUE for my 1 loungeroom wall plus the long strip of wall under the windows looking out to the water....

I like "Dulux Blue Mystification" lol, so I might have to get THREE sample pots now!

But looking at a whole screen of that colour it's probably too much.... since I DO want the wall to 'disappear'....

Actually on comparing them ALL online, maybe a middle ground blue between all of our choices is Dulux Blue Ahoy.....

It's far more grey than Mystification but I typically don't like grey really... it's not me.

Would value feedback and sorry for being such a fusspot lol.

Love EM

I'm sticking with painting the brick walls WHITE but will get some advice about painting over raw bricks.
I think it'll need an undercoat first, as the raw bricks will really soak up whatever paint I put on them to begin with.
The top coat paint will be more expensive so it's best the bricks soak up undercoat.

I'll have to get advice from my school friend who works in the paint dept at Bunnings.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Em

Good on u for taking some space to think and just not have the stress IN UR FACE if u know what I mean

It does sound really stressful. Lots of decisions and pressures. Sometimes it can be a lot to deal with.

I hope a few days LC helps you get some self-care.

I can see the appeal of both of those colours. I prefer the Mystification - the grey is a bit dated I think but the Ahoy is more modern.

I actually saw this tabloid article about Winona Ryder selling her home. It made me think of ur space because on her top floor she has an amazing view of the water. All the linings and walls are white but she has a lot of deep blue accents in cushions and chairs. It had an awesome coastal vibe - I really liked it.

I have to think more about the blues --- is it just one feature wall? I think it would be worth adding the Mystification to have a look as I can see that blending in. I do like the idea of a deep deep blue with the water.

I have the same as you - rough, open brink, i think it will look gorgeous in white. Espeically with the water view - ohmigosh, such a light, fun look.

[Guest_1643]

oops i mean the mystification is more modern. I couldn't fully get into the greytoned one (the ahoy) it didn't seem blue enough.