new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

monkey I'm so sorry. I know you'll all be here that's why I keep coming back. It's the only thing I can do when I'm "white-knuckling" it through just trying to breathe & let myself cry.

For decades I had terrible experiences & wasn't allowed to cry. My mother was physically abusive and when I cried she told me to stop or she would hurt me for crying.  Teachers saw the physical impact & ignored them. One teacher in High School took me to the Principal's office & They phoned my father. He did nothing.

Later he told me to take a herbal treatment to quicken the healing of bruising.

Demon did as demons do.

I try to cry when I need to. But am stony faced so much.

Psych & Alexa (a psych also) are in contact more than daily. THEY are broken hearted too & going through their own grief, seeing son's life flash before their eyes too.

It's SO frustrating not being able to do ANYTHING about this.

Uncle went home thank goodness, we could barely cope with anything more being pulled apart but also the spending was beyond understandable. He lives a few hours away but wants to come back next week when I'm at work. Omg. No. It was almost impossible to control his actions when we were all with him. No way can he be here alone.

I have to hire the Handyman to help next time bec Uncle demanded help from my boys but they go to school FT AND one works 40h on top, the rest less but alot. They just aren't home to help. He bought so many things that wouldn't fit, then bought things to make them fit, they didn't fit, the receipts were everywhere... I gathered the receipts. Now there's stuff cramming my hallway to be taken back.

woah. Difficult to manage.

But I'm not sleeping well either. I'm only doing things I need to when the kids are at work or sleeping. Otherwise I'm spending as much time as I can with them. I've already been to Return & Earn and put "that" son's favourite meal on for an early dinner. I had bought the meat a few weeks ago but uncle turned the bottom freezer off so it was beginning to defrost.

I've made some other "light" decisions.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Well I had to make a heavy decision.... deal with the bombshell with son and gf face to face.

I had to tell them exactly what I KNOW they're getting themselves into.

gf was harmed so badly by her families. I found out today that she's seeing a Headspace Psych which made me very relieved but now I think she lied to me about that too. I think she may have used Hspace chat but that's a start.

She needs ALOT of support to recover from the abuse and neglect.
She has shown extremely unpleasant behaviours and I told her what I've seen her do, examples anyway... she's so immature and said "that's because I've been abused"... I said exactly and now you KNOW it then you shouldn't be doing it to others OR be seeing the ppl who abused you. Let alone moving to live with them. But it's your choice.

I told them EVERYTHING on my mind. I wanted to talk to son only but she butted in so I included her.

The warrior mother came out.

I ONLY said what I've been told by gf & her family and what I've seen myself.

THEN I got an abusive text, eluding to me making up things (which I did not and would never do) from a distant relative of gfs...

Welcome to the circus. Gf gave my number to them. How dare she.
I blocked person and told gf to never give my number out without my permission.

Then I texted gfs mother. Saying I'd blocked said relative and have nothing to say to him. Also that indeed the things I said were serious... they were all said by gf and her family.

The WORST things have happened in that family. It's all been reported to FACS, Police, Detectives, been in Court... some things were true re: drugs and children around.
Some things were made up by gfs mother - apparently, who would know.
When it got to Court it fell down because the children were being forced to lie by their MOTHER.
They confessed and told the truth.

SO son's gotten himself mixed up in a massive family with stacks of children and the drama never ends.
I just consoled gf and mothered her all through this garbage.

Months ago Alexa said not to believe what gf says.

Today gf tried to change her stories after years! So after years of hearing awful stuff she is minimising it all to manipulate all of us.
She probably exaggerated the stories to manipulate us all too.
I've Seen this before.

The truth could be anywhere! And it's NOT my family. I have steered SO clear of it all and I've been DRAGGED in.

No response from the mother.

EM

[Guest_1643]

Hi EM

stopped by to see how you were doing

how is Yvette going at the moment, how is her work?

That must be so frustrating dealign with your sons girlfriend. So annoying when suddenly you have her distant relative (omg really...) meddling ... i'm sure that's the last person you needed to hear from. I've never understood how some people suddenly send a team of people to do their confrontation for them, a distant relative nonetheless.

How is your house going, with all the "improvements" from uncle?

I hope your kids are all doing okay and you feel well xo

[Croix]

Dear EM~

My parents did me a big favor by disinheriting me, made me grow up fast, and yes my first marriage and now this second one are blessings I don't deserve, two is more than a fair share.

Your last post was all about people, those you love, those that are not straight with you, or do not appreciate you, and those that may well be opportunistic liars. Plus those that are straight upset.

It is a confusing shifting set of quicksand, and you reactions reflect the fact.

If it was me I'd think a respite was called for. To deal with beams, taps, toilets and all are inherently stable -often simply. You do some work, you see the result, your know where you are. Plus it can take concentration.

May I suggest your handyman fixes any vital roof beams and then works on the other thngs, delegating to you those jobs you can do.

Ban Uncle on some specious excuse for now and make sure he cannot get near -tell him the cameras are being monitored or you are too ill or - well I'm sure you can come up with something. Perhaps point him at the domicile of your least favorite person and mention renovations:)

Just for a while - equanimity is a vital commodity and you need it right now.

Croix

[ecomama]

Dear Sleepy21

Thankyou for asking about things. How are you going?

Yvette is coping remarkably well. I can see her inherited family coping mechanisms (from my side of the family which are questionable tbh) which are work work work, crying alot, distraction.
She told me just now she's had a headache from crying too much (over son) & hasn't been sleeping well.

But I hear every single positive comment from her & they strike me like a bolt of golden light & give me HUGE relief. You have no idea how relieved I feel. Having her feeling suicidal was the scariest thing and I still cry at that. I know she's not out of the woods yet.

But I will take ANY moves forward for her. Anything.

Yvette still plans to do Distance Ed at some point next year. I'm grateful she talks of this sometimes. I'll take ANY talk of the future. Alexa said Yvette won't do the school work.
Yvette said she plans on working alot of hours - as many as she can - then doing Education either side.

Seriously, I don't care as long as she's alive. I will do anything & everything I can possibly do to support her. She's so young.

This news from her closest brother shell shocked & traumatised her (me & the others too we are all reacting in different ways but all been crying). She said she doesn't know how she'll cope without him.

IDK either how any of us will cope. We're talking so that's good.

I KNOW! that relative was WAY out of line contacting me. That family was NONE of my business but all of a sudden it is ALL my business regrettably. We have SOME dim future light in that area with son THANK GOD. This family thinks the most extreme behaviours are "normal" & every family does it.

NO they don't!

I work with families. I KNOW what's within "normal" ranges... normalised stressors etc.
I KNOW what abuse & neglect look like. BIG difference.

House? my Uncle has the best intentions, I know, he wants to finish everything in a hurry! I'm only doing what I can cope with & only when the children are at school / work / wanting to help. It's a family trait to begin a billion things & not finish one lol. I kept bringing him back to the one goal (I work with families remember) & finishing ONE is a great enough goal.

He left last night & texted 3 x today lol. Ordering louvre windows from a company in Qld to be delivered. Huge stuff for me. I cleaned up lots down there but my headache got worse.

Son is seeing the fallout & negatives BIG time. At least he can see these.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Dear Croix

You absolutely DO deserve 2 beautiful marriages! It makes my heart sing to hear it too.

If you can take any positives away from being estranged from your family then well and good.

Thankyou for your thoughtful feedback. I just can't take this away from my Uncle. I haven't said this yet but he has a lesion on his pancreas (like Mara) and paired with his other motivation to help us... I can't take this away from him.
Uncle and his family were kept away from me by my father. They sent presents every bday & Christmas to me & my brother. I never knew why we couldn't see them?

They were ALWAYS SO loving towards us as children.

Then at my father's funeral, Uncle found me and begged us to be in contact. I find out more and more what happened back then and he does from me about my father also. We are both often shocked.

This is giving him more reasons to live he told me. He and my Aunty are the only family members in touch with our family now. We need this. We've lost so much. Too much and far too many people.

Instead of sacking Uncle lol, I'm hiring the Handyman Builder to assist him next time.
Kind of like a "phasing in" of support to see if we can manage it that way.

If not then I'll do the 'not right now' thing then 'hey presto it's finished'! Kinda thing lol.

My brother will freak because last time he was here (months ago and he lives a few streets away) he said "don't let Uncle work on your house"... fine for him to say. I said I have no other help.

And the work looks incredible. The top storey was falling more, it needed propping up another 10cm which was scary so we got it just in time.

It's so stable now.

It's being turned into an outdoor room. It will be really lovely later. We got given a massive leather lounge and it's going in there. My other sons are really excited there'll be a protected space for having their friends over.

SO is Yvette which melts my heart. She said she would love to have friends over more after it's finished. We'll see.

Yvette asked us to pick up a cupboard someone was giving away online. Uncle used his trailer and we picked it up. Yvette is moving into my room. I'm moving into sons who's leaving. His bed will be in Yvette's much smaller room.

We're going to rip up the awful carpet in my room and whitewash the floors together - Yvette's idea lol. Anything to keep her thinking of the future tbh. No time limit on the changing rooms thing, we can take our time there.

Love EM

[monkey_magic]

Morning EM,

Allowing uncle to continue his work despite his flaws is a very caring compassionate thing to do.
You're such a mother hen. Taking good care of everyone and everything.

Sorry to hear about your son. You all seem to be such a close nit family with everyone being affected by this.

The stable top story must be such a relief I'm really happy for you that things are coming to fruition. Proud moments.

[ecomama]

Hi monkey

Awake? yes lol me too... good morning sweet thing.

I'm having hot milo, it's FREEZING here all of a sudden.

Omg I had NO idea that my pointing out very firmly of the ridiculousness of the situation son is headlong into would have a complete turn around in son's attitude towards me.
I thought he would absolutely hate me after that.

What the...? He's hugged me about 10 x since.

He's not changed his mind at all. It was a fait accompli I was hit with. Organised by a bunch of randoms who can't organise themselves. AND it wasn't organised at all.
They think they're clever. But not 50% had been thought through. They can work it ALL out themselves. I wash my hands of any of it.

Oh well. I live and learn. They won't. Son is.

Alexa said she's on board 24/7 to be called to make the 7h trip WHEN son needs to evacuate, not if. Uncle lives closer & would help also. I'm not.

After the firm talking to, gf left in tears & son followed her. When he found out his favourite dinner was cooking he came back lol - how fickle.
Then after processing it all son said to gf, he was giving them 12 months (THE most important year of school mind you) and he's coming back home to live and go to Uni.

He already knows he may have to repeat Year 12 now in 2022 via a Bridging Course or such.

We found out more too. Grrr it gets worse and I'm angry about all this now. My friend lives an hour away from this 'other place' and happened to phone me yesterday on an instinct that things weren't good here.
I asked her how far away from ____ she lived. An hour she said and then "OMG HE'S NOT moving THERE is he?? It's as ROUGH as guts there" the crime rate is so high.
So high that the take away he works in here has one there and that one shuts EARLY due to the robberies.

Oh great.

I said to son today, welcome to your nightmare. I hope you know how to look after yourself.

My Counsellor laughed when I said we would start moving things in & out while they were still here. She wanted to see the looks on their faces being relegated to a shoe box bedroom. They went pale, SO shocked.

Oh well consequences.

Yvette gets the kids TV / online playing devices. The other kids stay put. I'm getting the BIG room. It'll be horrible being in there for a while but I'll do my best to make it mine.

He & gf worked their last shifts tonight, EVERYONE told them they're crazy for moving there.

The last 18th bday party is a Farewell now too. How sad.

Love EM

[Guest_498]

Hi Ems,

Many apologies I wasn't online yesterday. My ex-flatmate came 'round last night to hang out. It was good to see him again. I forgot how quiet he was.

Your uncle sounds like a nightmare, ripping things up that he doesn't like. A bit arrogant to assume that you don't like them either. And your son's gf with her family dilemmas and manipulations. These, together with your own dramas, are all too much for anyone to handle. Sometimes all you can do is cry.

I cry often as well. Like you, my mum was (still is) abusive and each time I would cry about something, she'll tell me not to cry because to her, it is considered weak. Crying is viewed as weak in my looney family, and they called the CAT Team on me?? Unbelievable. Glad I've severed ties with those nut jobs.

Cry as much as you want Ems, there's nothing wrong with it. You're not with your toxic mum and family anymore. They're no longer in your life to judge you anymore. 🙂

Blubes

[ecomama]

Thankyou Bluberry.... I needed someone to tell me that. Thankyou.

Maybe we have a few waterfalls of tears to make up for?

The Party started a few hours ago. Alexa and the kids were here waiting to say goodbye. Thursday night wasn't enough time with son - it's never enough time. They had to leave. I took photos of son with Alexa and the kids and their dog in the front garden.

I was still shaking from the reality hitting me sharply in the shop buying the soft drinks. THAT was a PTSD reaction... not full on but it happened.... I kept looking around at other shoppers and describing the goods in their trolleys and repeating "I'm safe. I'm safe."
I got to the car and calmed down.
When I dropped Yvette to work, I turned the car radio on and "our" Mariah Carey song - mine with bf - came on and I bawled. ALL THE WAY HOME.

Son is not safe doing this.

Back to the party: The kids are SO YOUNG at 18yo. They found some childhood toys this week unpacking the storage area and they broke these out and they're running around in the backyard playing with toys! With all their friends!

They are laughing their heads off. And this makes me sad. The only way I can be "okay" and even smile is when I put myself into denial about son's decision.

Live in the moment. Enjoy it NOW. I constantly have to remind myself to be in the now.
It's PTSD all right. Still not surround sound and visuals but the feelings of extreme anxiety.

And when I breathe OUT, I cry because it reminds me of being in labour with them. It's hellishly triggering.
So I can't do breathing exercises to ground myself.

I raked. And raked. And swept and raked.

You know the "What Would Jesus Do" thing? Well I was saying "What would Bluberry do" today, you must be pretty Angelic lol!
So I put on FACE CREAM lol! Hand cream. Had a VERY different hair do by hairdresser. I like it. I searched for nail polish and thought that's next. With grubby gardening finger nails lol... I'M COMMITTED to painting my nails.

God knows how I'll cope tomorrow when he says goodbye. I want to hold on to him SO TIGHTLY & never let him go.

Yvette cried all day till she went to work with swollen eyes. 4h shift but she's staying 8 hours to avoid the party altogether. She refuses to visit son with me bec she said she doesn't want to see how he has to live down there, she just wants to remember him in our family, living here. I'm not sure if I'll make the trip either. Don't think it would be safe for me to drive back home.

Love EM