new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_498]

"Covid would kill this demon bec of health issues" - this might be mean but .. I hope it .. (You fill in the rest).
Xx

[Guest_498]

Hey darling,

Let me tell you one of my stories .. about 15 years ago, I was with a man with 2 kids. He was residing with me in my home. The ex-wife got jealous and tried to cause problems to break us up. Out of the blue one day, she came 'round to my property (never been on my property before this) demanding the children go home with her. She caused a scene in front of the children outside my home in the front yard. I was scared and called police. I lodged a report. Next day, I got an intervention order. In my application, I stressed I was in FEAR that she may return - unwanted visit. The judge ruled in my favour and granted me a 5 year order. The only evidence I had was a police report and my then partner's statement. I represented myself whilst she had a legal aid lawyer.

That's my story - this is Victoria.

Blubes

[Guest_498]

oh, I forgot to add about the unwanted phone calls I'd receive from her aswell leading up to the inccident. The phone conversations were always of the nature where she'd speak disparagingly of him in an attempt to turn me against him. She didn't deny this in Court either. She lied as well. The Magistrate saw this and reprimanded her BIG TIME. Justice was served.

[Guest_498]

Hey Ems,

putting all the negativity aside - the great thing you have that I don't have is a loving family. You're now partying and having fun with them whilst I am FREAKIN BORED AS!! I would trade places with you 🙂 You're very lucky to have them Ems, and they're lucky to have you.

We will get through our issues someday and come out stronger and better ppl. Chin up, and I'll try to do the same, also.

[ecomama]

Bluberry said:"Covid would kill this demon bec of health issues" - this might be mean but .. I hope it .. (You fill in the rest).
Xx

Oh yeah that's why I wrote it lol.

I've had 2 other AVOs against people.

I know how they work - intimately. Here at least.

One I hired a Lawyer for because of the corrupt police here at the time.
I had the support of the Ombudsman for over 6 months because police weren't responding appropriately and neither was the Chamber of Magistrate in 3 local Court houses.
I ended up going way up North almost an hour to near my work and lodged it there, with the Ombudsman's name for the COM to phone.
I had written evidence of threats etc. Stalking me to my workplace with witnesses. Cut phone and power lines, smashed windows etc.
And all bec the idiot ran into my car and refused to take the blame (I had 11 witnesses to the accident).
Still the police wouldn't respond. AT ALL. The perps friend was an ex cop.

Got it in the end. He was arrested trying to attack me and yelling threats on the way out of the Court House.

The second one a Govt Agency took out for 6 women being stalked by the previous office of Centrelink worker, me included. THAT was a miracle but I won't explain. They sacked and charged that worker.

So I know how it works HERE at least.

I'm glad you have the Victorian police. I'm sad we don't!

Yes please, enough of talking about it. I get stressed talking about it all the time.

Love my family, hard fought and won there too.

EM

[Guest_498]

No .. Vic Pol is just as useless here hon. Lol. A LOT of evidence required before they will even do anything!! It really depends on individuals circumstances, good & willing officers, not to mention SMART officers. Many have very little knowledge of the law, unfortunately, and other extraneous stuff as well.
I have NO confidence in them... I would just try 'justice' and hope for the best. At times, it may be a win. Mostly, it's UNJUST.
In the above case, it was instigated by me, not police. The horrid person took out a cross application for 'illegally detaining' the children .. Lol. This made her look pretty bad!! Her lawyer looked like an idiot. Lol but boy did he try!!
How's the party coming along?

[Guest_498]

What is up with all the court cases, police incidents etc? Is this what life is ALL about as we get older? Ugh. I sometimes feel as if life is JUST about pain & misery!! I'm OVER IT!! What is going on? At least you, Ems have ppl who LOVE & SUPPORT you. I'm just FREAKIN SAD!!
Let me tell you .. I had to defend myself in court early this year from allegations made that weren't true. Case got withdrawn. I have to get myself in a position soon re: drugging& scam. Before this, I had police called on me for freaking NO reason, just because I wouldn't put out which caused his anger. My ex ex broke me badly and deceived me, i have no family. I have no friends or support. I have no job atm. I cant go anywhere coz of lockdown...IM SAD!!!! Id trade places with you any day!!
Sorry for whinging BUT I have nothing to look forward to.
Your bf although ldr is there for you. I don't even have one nor one i could possibly trust. I say this Ems, you deserve the love given to you. I keep thinking the reason i dont is coz I'm a horrible person. This is what i believe. I hate myself & my sad existence.
End rant. Thanks for reading.
I hope this isnt too much for you to deal with. Sorry in advance if it is.

[Guest_498]

Life shouldn't be this hard. Is it?
I feel like a fraud because I'm here trying my guts out to help another human (sometimes, overly so), but i can't even get my life in order. Im a fraud. My mum was right, i am just a BIG LOSER. I feel like one every day. I want to cry. I cry most night.

[monkey_magic]

Hey Bluberry,

You sound so very down on yourself. Watch out for depression skewing your thinking.

Life has its pitfalls, sure, but as you know there are better times to be had as well.

You have your old, and new flatmate and I'm sure you make friends easily. You get involved in serious matters, are knowledgeable and powerful, supportive.

This covid thing is a bump in the Rd and there's not too much longer to go, hang in there.

I'd be feeling depressed as well, but there's not a lot you can do unfortunately until restrictions are lifted, and they will be.

Then your personality can mark the people you meet and I'm sure you'll have a new bunch of ppl to hang with. It's time to be patient.

I'm preparing for my tribunal hearing. Writing down what I need to say. I have to go into lawyer mode as I'm representing myself. I've had advice from lawyers. Hope they really hear my convictions.

And you have all that to look forward to...lawyer in the making!

[ecomama]

Hi Blubes

Please don't be under any illusions about my life past and present.

I'm sorry you're feeling down, I call these periods in my life "Winters"... but my analogies are from nature.... during Autumn when things are falling away from our life and left to die on the ground... Winter comes and it's cold and lonely BUT if you know about nature... you know that during Autumn and Winter the MOST activity is under the ground...

I liken this to our choices as humans as time for self seeking, getting in and working out our crap, being busy with our minds and how we think. Sorting it out.

The trees that put their energies into their root systems during Winter, come out in the warmer months as stronger, more fruitful and full of flowers to attract the bees.
Just like us.

Trees stay stationary, we have choices.

Asking questions like 'was life meant to be this hard' presupposes life was meant to be easy lol... life isn't easy for any mammals! Watch them. They work all day and night to get food and shelter. The more babies they have the more they have to work day and night to feed and protect them.
They are scarred with attacks from predators, they live, they die. That's life.

We are gifted and burdened with a frontal lobe that complicates this process of just working and feeding / sheltering ourselves. But if we PUT our mind in the great headspaces offered to us via our gifts of reading, viewing, communicating then we can make decisions for our future.

Firm decisions. Create our future. Hold strong to visions. Open up to the endless possibilities.

So in fact as mammals, our lives are far easier than our cousins. Zeropoint in expecting it to be otherwise.

Love EM