new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_498]

Thanks for you kind positive words, Ems & Monkey.
I still feel horrible and wish the angst & pain would just disappear.
Ems, you're doing ok and managing best you can atm with demons contact (envelope & stalking), as well as dealing with your daughter's abuse situation. Youve got a lot on as well. Im proud of you.
Monkey, can't you get a lawyer to represent you for the best argument & outcome possible?
Blubes

[Guest_498]

Monkey, I'm down on myself at times very hard on myself because I've been told repeatedly that I'm not a good person. My family has nothing nice to say about me and they put me down a lot. They turn their arrogant, toff noses at me. Ive been feeling very low and unworthy for a long time now. I get called dumb & stupid all the time. I get called the s word, cheap, dress like a s, no man would ever love me because Im no good, when they get to know the person i really am, they run a mile, etc. These are just a few. I'm not any of those descriptions. But it's hard for me ro believe im any better.
Its sweet that you described me as powerful. I don't feel it. My family are. They know ppl with money & some level of influence. Ex footy player, Sam Newman being one of these ppl. I'm just a nobody. I feel like just shyte & worthless sometimes.
Going to shop to get Barramundi for dinber soon

[monkey_magic]

Hmmmm....

Why are you letting others dictate how u feel about yourself?

You need your own self approval, that is all...

If u stand firm in your own beliefs about yourself, everything else will be secondary.

Perhaps you need to change the beliefs you have about yourself, but you have said I'm not any of these descriptions.

I've had loads said about me, including bad medical files, but I know who I am, and that's all that matters.

[ecomama]

Dear Blubes

I sit back now and wonder WHY anyone would WANT to know you or I or monkey or anyone they called such horrid names to.....

I don't have to wonder long, I know the answer lol BECAUSE they know we aren't those things.

Otherwise they'd want nothing to do with us.

We can all compare notes about what happened in the past. But it's a complete waste of time.

And why on earth you would RUMINATE over other's opinions of you is beyond me.
Seriously.
Don't.

After x amount of abuse and name calling from people I COULDN'T easily detangle from, I would simply say a number of things but my faves are....

"Did you know opinions are like a$$holes and you're showing yours to me right now?"

and

"You don't have the CREDIBILITY to say that to me. You clearly don't know me at all".

And it's the truth.

Crikeys and WHO CARES who knows sam whatitsname or whomever public profile or not.
Cheeses.

Do you deeply truly and HONESTLY thinks that makes a dot of difference to how good a person is?

Heck I wouldn't WANT to know most public figures. They'd BORE me to tears and I am not a sycophant, plus the word "bored" is banned in our home lol .
They'd get NO WHERE with getting adoration or even attention from me.
I simply don't care.

My best buffer to all this "idolising / persecuting" public figures is to live my real life and NOT be on social media.

The amount of ppl on BB complaining bitterly about their lives also complain bitterly about what they see on Soc Med and TV.
Ludicrous.

You can always phone a helpline anonymously and talk through these issues with a trauma psych on 1800RESPECT. They are BRILLIANT.

BUT in the end or better put in YOUR beginning of the next phase of your life, you will NOT be carrying this. You alone need to make the decision to end these thoughts with or without counselling.

Even WITH the best MH Counselling, it is 99.9% up to US whether we use and take on board what's going to help us. There's no magic wand to Mental Health, it's completely up to us.

Love EM

[Guest_498]

I can't help it Monkey, sometimes it just hurts. I can't shake it off and very weak at times. Not as powerful as you may think i am" Monkey. I used to be. I used to be very strong happy and confident. That was a long time ago.
Somedays im ok. Other times i let it get to me.

[Guest_498]

Good luck with your case Monkey. I hope itll be the outcome youre hiping for. Ill be praying for u. Fingers crossed
🙂

[Croix]

Dear Blu(e)berry - wiht a wave to MM and EM~

Bear with me for a moment while I go around the long way please. I have a spinal condition and if my back gets in just the right (from my perspective wrong) position it is ambulance time. I can't even predict what the position it is, or what not to do to avoid it. There is an injury in there and sometimes it acts up.

It is not me being particularity strong or weak, it is just sometimes injuries have a mind of their own.

I'm rabbiting on about this becuse you have said and I think beleive

" and sometimes it just hurts. I can't shake it off and very weak at times
I used to be very strong"

Injuries flare up, fact of life and one can only do so much to minimize them. Strength does not come into it, pain is pain.

If I got my arithmetic right you are 40ish. I remarried a bit afterthat age when my first wife died. A tempting matrimonial opportunity with PTSD, bouts of depression, constant anxiety, no money, told Id' never work again and sometimes suicidal.

So what does that say. First there were two silly women in the world and they managed to find me and secondly you grab the snippets of happiness you can. Mine worked out, 20++ years later still together in love, mutual support, working and getting satisfaction.

Still get those times I'm back in the past living thefeelings, still on therapy & meds, but happy with it all.

Instead of physical damage, yours is to your regard for yourself. Does not make these negative thoughts true, or that life cannot hold joy for you.

EM~ Thank you for helping me de-code your missives

MM~ As usual good luck, take your pick, the medical panel or the lottery:)

GO Croix

[blondguy]

Hey EM Bluberry Magic and everyone!

I am late comer in the conversation EM....and havent read much above as I just logged on....that aside I just read something special you wrote....

EM mentioned 'Even with the best MH Counselling, it is 99.9% up to US whether we use and take on board what's going to help us. There's no magic wand to Mental Health, it's completely up to us'

This is spot on EM! If its okay I am going to 'borrow it' and stick it on my refrigerator too

Nice1 EM

Paul

[ecomama]

lolol

Hi blondguy Paul

You are most welcome to have and to take whatever helps you and others. Whatever floats your boat!

I much prefer having this attitude during our journey towards Mental Health because it is empowering, it builds capacity within us and this is the whole point - healing.

It also points towards taking responsibility for our own MH.

The whole "compliance" and awful things people feel (and should if they DO feel that way) means they're either on the wrong track with the wrong MH professional for them IMHO, and or put all responsibility for their MH on others which is very dangerous indeed... and sadly lastly, after having MANY deep and honest conversations with psychs about this recently....

some people don't WANT to become better.

This makes me so utterly sad.

I asked what the answers to this last one was.... many and varied and ofcourse some unknown.

I can give you what answers we gathered. They have the potential to be quite confrontational to some ppl I would say. Offensive even.

But each person is an individual. I hope they are treated as such, which is most often not the case.

Thanks for popping in, always a pleasure Sir.

EM

[ecomama]

Dear Croix

Always a pleasure to have your kind words extended. I know Blubes would appreciate every one.

To Bluberry also... to me it seems you are at a crossroads in your life in many sectors also... you have CHOICES to make.

The choices of ruminating on the past will only lead to cementing those feedback loops in your brain and not allowing your new feedback loops a chance to establish.

Not allowing the natural 'synaptic pruning' to occur. Getting rid of patterns of thought that don't benefit you.

When the pruning occurs you will feel that you can BREATHE.

I'm concerned you can't talk to someone with MH training to support you through this.
I completely understand you don't want to get your own therapist - that's FINE.

But to have these ruminating thoughts similar to PTSD mousewheel stuff is not good for you.
It's too much.

It's not a COMPLETE fix phoning a helpline but it can be just that, getting help to pick you up one step and they often give directions of other stuff online for you to read, research etc.

Please use it at your worst times.

Crying every night is very sad. I think it's understandable and you may need the release of these hormones for sure, but the thoughts are sad and destructive too.

Please do some self-care. Or LOTS of it.

Love EM